FIRST IMPRESSIONS (10/15)

Title: 3/5

Before I read the story, I did a quick search on the title. I found that there are multiple stories with the name “Worlds Apart”. For me, the title is very common and it isn’t that memorable. The title was not exactly relevant to the plot. However, some people may be intrigued and continue reading because the title is somewhat mysterious. 

Description & Foreword: 3/5

The description is relevant to the story which is good. However, I feel that it is a bit too long and is revealing too much. A good description is one that is short, sweet, and simple and captures the reader’s attention. The last paragraph should be taken out or shortened. 

Format (Graphics & Layout): 4/5

The graphics are nice and the colors suit the story in a way. I like the character list since it helps me remember who is in what pack, but I think it is a bit lengthy (however, this is not a big problem and it is only my opinion). You should include the main characters and a few side characters. I also think you should let the readers figure out the characters themselves. Revealing that Lu Han has a “hidden side” will annoy some readers. When someone begins to read a story and they don’t know the characters well enough yet, they don’t want to be spoiled.
I like the layout, and the words are large enough that I don’t have to squint to read a chapter. I have no complaints about that.


WRITING STYLE (15/25)

Grammar & Vocabulary: 5/10

I would like to comment on your spelling and grammar. There are many glaringly obvious spelling and grammatical mistakes in the description and in the story. Also, many sentences throughout the entire story are awkward and very difficult to understand because of the wording. Here are some examples of what you should fix or reword:

italics - missing words/punctuation. bold - spelling/grammatical errors. underlined - fragments/sentence structures. strikethrough - unnecessary words/punctuation.

Description:
"Jin Ari is the next Alpha to take over the position as head Alpha and lead the pack." - This sentence is a bit confusing and is awkwardly worded. The line “the next Alpha to take over the position as head Alpha” is difficult to wrap your head around. I suggest altering this sentence and saying something along the lines of “Jin Ari is to take over the position of head Alpha and lead the pack.” This way, you do not have to repeat the word ‘Alpha’ and the sentence can flow.

"West and East don't work together yet her father has made a packed with the other leader before she was born." - The sentence(s) should look something like this: “West and East don’t work together. However, Ari’s father, who is the leader of the (West/East *not exactly sure at the moment which one it is) pack, made a pact with the other before she was born.”

"Ari and Luhan hate each other guts, living in the same village with one neutral zone was the school." - As both alphas were brought up with certain rules and tasks I suggest you reword the first sentence because it does not make sense. And if they live in the same village, then how could Lu Han cross a border (I am referring to the next two sentences)? I think you mean that the village is split into two; this makes more sense anyways. Also, the second sentence does not relate to anything around it so it is not necessary. Reword the sentences into something like: “Ari and Lu Han live in the same village and hate each other’s guts. The village is separated into two with a neutral zone; the school.”

"Tresspassing the others turf was strictly prohibited." - First off, ‘trespassing” is spelt wrong. It is with one s, not two. Change “others” to other’s. In the sentence, the word is a singular possessive noun. You are talking about the two sides, therefore it is only singular. However, if you were talking about several different packs, then “others’ ” would be a plural possessive noun. You would change it to others’. All in all, it depends on how many people/groups you are referring to.

"But as Luhan one night crossed the border to attack an unknown omega." - You can reword this. Say something like “One night Luhan crossed the border to attack an unknown omega.”

"Ari comes to the rescue of the omega but screws up big time without knowing." This sentence is strange. You should reword it to make it easier to understand.
"Because you never ever come between an Alpha and "his" omega. That was what they were thaught." You should reword the first part. Say something along the lines of “You never…” Take out the ‘ever’ because it does not sound formal. Adding “never ever” doesn’t sound as mature as the description should be. It is spelled taught, not thaught.

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Use spell check or a dictionary if you don’t know how a word is spelled. Don’t leave the word there because when a reader comes to check out your story, those spelling mistakes are noticeable, especially since they’re in the description (the very first place the reader looks). Also remember to improve your vocabulary and grammar as well as the structures of your sentences. I’m not sure if English is your first language, but if it isn’t, I suggest having another person look it over to see if anything doesn’t make sense.

Writing Style: 10/15

It is good that you chose to write a supernatural story, since your voice suits the genre really well. You are able to capture the reader’s attention. Your voice is able to create the paranormal type of feeling to surround the story. I feel that you probably read this type of genre more than others. Overall, your voice as a writer is great and you have potential to become a greater one. Just remember to expand your vocabulary so your descriptions are much more visual. Read more books and if you are unsure of the meaning of a word, search it up! You should have more of a choice in your wording.

Be aware that your audience will be of people of different ages, so make sure your writing is sophisticated. Sometimes it seems that you are unsure of what words to use so your sentences don’t sound as mature as they should be. What you write can sometimes sound childish, but as long as you are aware of your audience, your writing will improve and mature over time.


DIGGING DEEPER (32/55)

Characters: 15/25

In this section, I am going to discuss the character development and the characters in general. I am only going to analyze the main characters: Jin Ari, Lee Lu Han and Kim Joonmyun (Suho).

First off, I like the idea of a strong female character. Jin Ari is the epitome of a compelling and powerful character. I like how you don’t portray her as a typical weak female character whenever Lu Han is involved. However, in the chapters when she’s 15 years old, she resembles a 7 year old. I feel like she didn’t mature at all from when she was seven, which is obviously a problem. And when she interacts with Lu Han at age 17 (when she gets offended when he calls her “babe”), she seems younger than her age. This immature behavior is not a good trait. She’s supposed to be a leader, but her character seems more like a child. She also has frequent mood changes. I understand she’s a teenager, but these changes are not really needed for the plot to evolve. Nonetheless, it’s good that you involve these mood swings to deepen her character, although they may not be necessary. She’s also curious, which is what a good leader should have. This is a great characteristic; if only you would mold her into a more mature character. Lastly, what I really like about Ari is how she is determined to save others. It’s a great characteristic to have in a main character; especially a female one.

Lu Han’s character is very, very predictable. He is the ruthless and cruel love interest that doesn’t care for anyone and loves to bully the main character. Honestly, I have seen so many of these and it gets very repetitive. I know you want to make him bloodthirsty and therefore cold-hearted, but it’s just really common. I also feel that you should add more of a back story to his and Ari’s relationship (for example, scenes with both of them from a very young age instead of age 15). You should show how they bonded and how he could have started liking her instead of just implying it and leaving it for readers to wonder. He doesn’t show up too often in the story so far (it’s mostly just Ari). He shows up occasionally, so I can’t comment too much on his character. The comments above are from what I can gather.

The most interesting and unique character is Suho. He’s this supposedly powerful wolf from a legendary pack, yet he was raised by vampires. They made him terrified of his kind and he is the complete opposite of what people may expect. You didn’t change him from what he was brought up to be — someone who is afraid of werewolves. However, you did make him comfortable with Ari way too fast. Although he seems scared at first, he relaxed fairly quickly. I understand she’s the main character and he’s probably one of the love interests, but isn’t this way too rushed and obvious? For almost seventeen years, he was taught to be scared of werewolves but after a short interaction with a werewolf, he’s suddenly not afraid and willing to trust them? You should make him much more frightened. But I do like how stubborn he is. He is so intent on proving that he is not a wolf which is great. His character is intriguing — I really want to see how he copes with the fact that he’s a vampire (you should make him horrified...) and how his character develops.

I feel like there wasn’t much character development. However, you only have ten chapters so I can’t exactly comment on it.

Plot: 15/25

I think the plot is good. I like how you stuck with the different legends and folklore surrounding werewolves and vampires. The two different creatures do despise each other, and I loved how you displayed that and kept it consistent. I also like how you add small things (like how wolf bane is poisonous to werewolves) to enhance the accuracy of the story, since there are so many legends and stories that talk about these mystical creatures. Kudos to you for that!

The arranged marriage involving Ari and Lu Han was a bit cliché, but it was absolutely necessary since it is a bit difficult to unite the packs without a reason that ties the two together. In addition to this, however, it is also extremely common in stories when both parties in the marriage dislike each other. If it were me, I would have made both of them fond of each other, but then after an incident involving Suho, their relationship becomes strained.

I would like to mention something that I think is a bit odd. In the latest chapter, everyone reacts calmly to finding out that Suho is part of the legendary Blue Pack. I feel like you tried to make them seem surprised, like with Kyuhyun and his anger, but it didn’t really show. When the characters discovered that Suho is part of the Blue Pack, they don’t seem as shocked as they should be.

A problem with the plot is that everything goes too fast. For example, one day Sehun is fine and suddenly he disappears the same way Tao does. Although Tao was taken 8 years prior to when Sehun was taken, it felt more like a few months. (I would also like to add that no one seems concerned about Sehun after a chapter. Or Tao. They aren’t really even mentioned after a few chapters. Shouldn’t the wolves have more of a reaction and shouldn’t Ari think about them more?)

I know time changes are awkward and difficult to maintain, but the plot just goes way too fast. Don’t rush it. This problem cost you a lot of marks in this category. However you can fix it; so don’t worry!

Flow: 2/5

Sometimes your sentences are awkward and seem to be forced. This disrupts the flow. Be sure to ask someone to check your sentences to make sure that it flows in their mind. Asking for a second opinion is useful, so please do. Another thing is that the story is going quite fast. This makes some ideas harder to understand. Instead of jamming everything into one chapter; spread it out.

FINALLY (3/5)

Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
I think the story was just not for me. I usually don’t read stories that involve supernatural creatures, and in the rare cases I do, it’s either a hit or a miss for me. In general, stories that feature werewolves or vampires are really not my cup of tea. I feel that the idea is great, but some general mistakes were just too distracting that I couldn’t read it in one sitting.


TOTAL: 60/100 (C)

ADDITIONAL COMMENTS: My objective is not to criticize but to help others improve in their writing. This is my first review, so I may have been too harsh. I would just like to remind you that my comments do not define your writing as the areas I discussed are just a sliver of your story and your voice. It is in my best interest to help you improve. Anyways, I’m so sorry for the long wait. This is my first review so it took way longer than I had expected. I hope you are pleased with it! I apologize if I seem very inexperienced (mostly because I am ^^;). Know that you have potential as a writer, so continue writing and creating good ideas! Thank you for requesting and be sure to credit our shop in your story’s foreword!