the stranger next door by writerfairy



Criticism Level: 8-10

Title: 4/5
A pretty unique title. When I first saw the title, I thought it would be about Illiana falling in love with Kyuhyun who is her next door neighbor and I guess I was quite wrong about that. Still, I do not think that the title is very relevant to the story because the plot isn't very centered around the whole next door neighbor idea, but more on the relationship between an idol and a non-idol (in my opinion). The title itself isn't very eye-catching, but for some reaosn, there is a fun element in the title which can attract some readers to check out your story. It doesn't reveal too much or too little information; perfect enough for your readers to speculate on what the story will be about.

Description & Foreword: 4/10
The wording of the description is odd. I don't know how to explain it exactly but here are the parts that I find strange:
"She doesn't know much about the world anymore, because of lack of communication in the past two years." - I am guessing that you meant that in Africa, there isn't any electronic gadgets like televisions, laptops or phones to let the people know what is happening around the world. The news isn't really conveyed to them. I think this is more of a phrasing issue.
"He gets in trouble by doing something little that turns out to go big and viral because of his job." - I suppose 'something little' means getting involved with his fans when he isn't really supposed to. Perhaps you can phrase it in a way that his movements are very restricted, and because he goes out of his boundaries as an idol (although it would be seen as harmless if he has a normal job), his fans/the paparazzi makes a big deal out of his actions.
"When they meet, they wouldn't dream of falling for one another. But as soon as everyone finds out, the trouble begins." - Personally, I think that the first sentence is irrelevant and somewhat out of place. The second sentence doesn't tie up with the first one; what did everyone find out about?
The description is focusing a bit too much on unnecessary details in my opinion. Perhaps you can use their meeting as the focus point of the description. I don't think the description itself is very intriguing but I like how the description all ended because it kinda added into the fun element. As usual with other stories, I don't think the character introductions are necessary. If you want to, you can also consider writing a foreword for the story that introduces the readers to the story.

Characters: 13/20
Illiana's mastering so many languages is quite unbelievable. The story is quite long so I may have missed the reason but how did she become fluent in Korean? I don't know how long Suzy has been friends with Illiana but doesn't it usually take people years to master a language and become fluent at it? If she's fluent in only Korean and English then maybe it is okay, but where did the other languages come from? Granted that she isn't fluent in all of them, but to be even conversational in so many languages is a relatively big feat.
Illiana has this slightly competitive and sassy(?) image but she can go slightly OOC when she is interacting with Kyuhyun. It has been this way when they were still getting to know each other as friends, as if Illiana has become more demure (is it the Kyuhyun effect? huhu). Her fear for spiders and her love for her brother really makes her character seem like a real human. Personally, I think that their relationship progressed way too fast at the start, as in the whole "falling for each other" part. Nobody falls in love that quickly, and maybe because of the whole idol-normal person thing, their relationship couldn't really be developed.
Now moving on to the male main character that is Kyuhyun. Compared to Illiana, he hasn't developed much; as in he doesn't have a fixed image. I get this "nice guy" vibe out of him and nor do I know much about him, except that he is the maknae of a famous band Super Junior. He also doesn't have many flaws that I can see, and because Illiana is more interesting, she is starting to overshadow him. In this story, it is like Kyuhyun discovering Illiana and more than anything, I wonder why both of them have fallen for each other. What has shaped their love? Why would Kyuhyun worry so much about Illiana when she is in a coma? Normally, superstars don't want to be tied down into a relationship because they want to enjoy freedom. What has made his love for her so strong? And I feel that Illiana, like me, doesn't know Kyuhyun as much as he knows her too.
Wow, compared to other agencies, SJ's company cuts them a lot of slack. Unless they are considered one of the older bands, I don't think they are permitted to meet Illiana and Suzy so many times (some agencies are so strict that they even confiscate their artists' cellphones!). The paparazzi also shows up at the worst possible timings, and at other time sthey don't show up at all, hu. Putting that aside, I like Suzy as a side character. She is a great best friend to have, honestly. Kibum doesn't strike out to me but I find some moments of their relationship adorable. Lucas doesn't behave like a child. I get that he is smart but how his POV is written makes him seem adult-ish, even the everyday dialogues as well.
Now to the antagonists' side... Sam, Eric and Ethan. Usually I like antagonists but these three are meh for me. There's not much known about Sam and Eric (all I know is that Sam is the one who treats Illiana badly and Eric helps Ethan and is somewhat related to both of them). I was astonished to know that the three of them are related but I wonder... where did the police go? At the later parts of the story, weren't they at South Korea? How did Ethan show up out of nowhere and even brings a knife with him? The earlier parts were confusing by the way; they should be at America since SJ went back to Korea later on, but how it was all set up made it seem like it was taking place in Korea. Do correct me if I am wrong here. The whole antagonists action is a bit too much for me and I don't know their reasons (well, I've noticed that you will be writing a one-shot for Ethan but still... what can be so bad that he wants to kill people? Unless he is a psycho or something...)
Another thing I notice is that the characters will somehow know what the other characters are thinking. Of course, you're the one who is writing the story so you will know what they are all thinking, but since the story isn't third POV, do try not to reflect it on the characters.

Plot: 9/20
Admittedly, the story is a bit confusing. The starting is okay with the idol-normal person relationship but then it moves on to Kyuhyun going back to Korea, then suddenly Illiana and Suzy can go to Korea too, then Kyuhyun coincidentally becomes her next door neighbor, then the whole company drama, then Ethan tries to kill Illiana and she gets amnesia, then Ethan tries to kill the SJ members. Uh, I feel like the story isn't really placing focus on anything which brings me back to the somewhat relevant title. The stranger next door concept is a part of the story but isn't really the whole story. So... in terms of originality, I won't say that it is original if I look at it in sections.
Realism-wise, the story is really unbelievable at the later chapters which is what I've mentioned; the whole killing and amnesia part. Besides, I don't think poison will lead to amnesia (coma maybe, but I haven't heard of cases when someone eats poison and gets amnesia afterwards). Actually, Illiana didn't seem like she had amnesia to me because she could magically remember a lot of things, just that she didn't know why. (P.S. How did Ethan sneak in the poison by the way? And once again, where is the police? I believe poisoning is a crime.)
This story is like a typical romance story in my opinion. There are many topics that are touched on, for instance, the restricted life of idols, friendship issues and revenge, but they are not fully explored because the focus is on the drama and romance. Which is kinda disappointing, honestly, but I believe that there are people that enjoy this storyline.

Flow: 1/5
The flow is really bumpy because of how the story is formatted. Although I understand the intentions behind the formatting, I think it would be better if you use omniscent third POV rather than first POV. Some content in Illiana's chapter overlaps with Kyuhyun's chapter and it becomes repetitive.

Grammar & Vocabulary: 10/15
I notice that the description is in present tense while the story is in past tense. Is there a particular reason why the tense shifted?
There are some grammatical errors. A few are due to carelessness, so you may want to read through your story again.
Chapter Five: "...but I could here them..." 
Chapter Five: "...I must have looked quiet stupid..."
Chapter Ten: "Shindong whispered asking Ryeowook..." - "Shindoing asked Ryeowook in a hushed tone" would sound better.
Chapter Ten: "Not a word out of you! Until we are in the office, you call yourself man but still act like a bunch of teenagers." - The second sentence is phrased oddly. I'm not sure if the manager is referring to Kyuhyun or SJ because 'man' is in singular form while 'a bunch of teenagers' refers to many people. "Not a word out of you until we are in the office! All of you call yourself men but still act like a bunch of teenagers."
Chapter Sixteen: "That's a relieve." - 'relieve' is the verb form of the noun form 'relief'.
Chapter Twenty-nine: "I plopped down on the ground, did he just say Illiana and hospital in the same sentence?" - The second part of the sentence can be a separate sentence on its own.
Sometimes, you would switch tenses unconsciously or consciously.
Note: You have a tendency to type this: "..." (name of character)
Try not to do that; it looks a bit unprofessional. Although it can be a hassle if your story has a lot of dialogue, it is better to type "name said" or something similiar.
Vocab-wise, there are some repetition in words and also in sentence structure.

Description & Emotions: 6/10
There is an attempt seen to describe the characters' behavior, but sometimes smaller and minor details are left out. The emphasis is more on 'telling' rather than 'showing' so sometimes, the feelings of the characters are conveyed vaguely. There is a lot of dialogue so you may want to try and cut down on the unnecessary bits and place focus on the narration.

Format (Graphics & Layout): 10/10
The layout is neat and the font size is readable, but the author note is a bit messed up (I think it is due to the fact that I am using AFF New Blue version). Poster is simple but well-made (Kyuhyun's image is a bit fuzzy though, if I have to nitpick) but it is pretty relevant to the story.

Overall Enjoyment: 1/5
As much as I want to, I can't bring myself into enjoying the story. There are many unbelievable aspects and the antagonists really did it. That may be just me though; I am sure that others do enjoy this story. 

Total: 58/100 //D (-) 
Firstly, I apologize if I have been too harsh for this review (especially from Plot section onwards). My opinions may differ a lot from others and I can see that a lot of people geniunely like your story. Nevertheless, I hope my comments are useful to you in some way! Thank you for requesting and please do not forget to follow the rules :)