I sit down on a bench a few steps away from you.  Just as every day, since last month, when I have some free time I come here to watch you from afar. My…How you’ve grown, I think to myself.
            The last time I held you in my arms you were as light as a feather. You had looked at me with an innocent gaze. That was the day I feel in love with you.
You were so small, so fragile and harmless. Yet everyone was telling me to let go of you.

            “She will destroy everything you have worked so hard for.” They said.

           I was so young back then, so I’ve let them take you away from me. After you’ve been taken away from me, there hasn’t been a single day when I didn’t think of you.

            “Yah! Bang Minja! Be careful!” I heard a woman say to you which brought me back to the present. I focus my attention back on you. You are sitting on a branch high up in a big tree, your eyes are closed and a peaceful smile is plastered on your young face. I stay there frozen in my spot. I can’t explain why. There is something hypnotic about you that I can’t resist. I don’t know how long I’ve been watching you but when I feel my phone vibrate in my jeans’ pocket, I jump in surprise. I pick up and get up as duty calls. As I start walking away from you, I turn around to get one last look at you before turning at the corner of the park, losing sight of you.

            The next day I come back as usual, sitting on the same bench as you are sitting on a swing looking at the ground. And just as yesterday I get lost contemplating you. Realizing I’ve been staring at you for too long, I oblige myself to look away. I know people would found me very suspicious if they noticed how intensely I was looking at you. I bend over to catch my bag that is resting against my feet on the ground and pull out a notebook. I open it at a precise page where some lyrics are already written down. As usual I enter my own little world as soon as the words start pouring into the white sheet. I got so lost into my work that I jump in surprise when I hear someone speak beside me.

            “She has your eyes…and your lips.” I look up to see Himchan sitting next to me. His eyes are locked on your small frame rocking back and forth on the swing slowly.

            “You think so?” I ask looking back to you to study your features. Himchan doesn’t answer and we fall into a comfortable silence. After a while he speaks up again, this time looking at me.

            “What are you doing Yongguk?”

            I open my mouth to answer him but close it as I have nothing to say. I realize that I can’t answer his question. To be honest I don’t know what I am doing. When I knew I could come to see you at this park, I had thought that it would be easy. That I would see you and instantly walk to you and hug you close to me. Yeah… I know. Not the greatest plan. I don’t know what I was thinking when this scenario came up to me. Actually the first time, after all these years, I laid my eyes on you I got struck with fear. Fear that you would hate me for abandoning you, fear that you would want nothing to do with me, fear that you would run away from me.

            When you had been given away, against everyone’s will I kept in touch with your foster parents. I had negotiated with my parents no to give you up for adoption. I was strongly planning on taking you back when I would be able to take care of you.

            But still. I have no idea what you know/think about me and that scares me. Himchan gets closer to me and puts his arm around my shoulders as a brother would do.

            “You are wasting precious time Yongguk.” I nod my head knowing he is right. “She won’t bite.” He ads while standing up and leaving me. I stay there debating whether to go talk to you right now or wait until tomorrow. My phone rings once again and decides for me that I will talk to you tomorrow since my manager asks me to come back. I pick up my pen and notebook and bend over to put them back into my bag. When I straighten myself I gasp. You are standing in front of me, looking at me.

            “Appa..?”

***

Happy New Year everyiine! I hope that this year will be a good one for all of you!