“I don’t understand!! It doesn’t make any sense Yongguk!!” exclaims a very pissed Daehyun that is sitting in front of me as I try to get some work done.

            “Well it’s life Dae.” I answer flatly, trying to cover how I really feel.

            “But you love her!! And she loves you!! Explain to me how it makes sense to break up then!”

          “It doesn’t! Alright! It doesn’t make sense but it’s done.” I explode, turning around to face him.

            I didn’t mean to blow up like this but I just wish he would drop the subject already. It was already painful enough without having him butting into it. Still, I can’t be mad at him. I know it is a weird situation for him. I mean, it can’t be easy to have your bandmate/leader dating your sister.
            I turn back to face the computer as a way to avoid the pity look he is surely giving me. I don’t want nor need his pity. That won’t change anything.
            I resume working and thankfully, Daehyun catches on that I want to be left alone now. He gets up, pats my shoulder and leaves through the door without saying another word. As soon as he is gone, I push myself away from the desk and lean back in the chair, rubbing my hands over my tired face. My thoughts instantly go to Jin and I.
            Daehyun was right. It didn’t make sense.

            Jin was the one to come to me and said she thought we should break up. She said that she thought it would be better for the both of us because we didn't make each other happy anymore. I tried to argue with her, that it wasn’t true, that we had great moments together and we loved each other. To which she said that we barely saw each other anymore because of our tight schedules. Then she asked me to honestly tell her that I was happy and, as much as I hated to admit it, I wasn’t able to say that I was. Eventually I ended up agreeing to it and we broke up while we both still loved each other.
            How absurd is that?

            It’s been a bit over three months now since Jin and I broke and if not for my group's promotion, I think I would have lost it by now. It managed to keep me focused on something else but her. I believe I am a very focused person but when it comes to Jin, I don’t know. She has that effect on me. Even back when we were just acquaintances, she managed to occupy my thoughts more than anyone else. So every time we got even the tiniest break from work, my brain kept playing with me. Or torturing me with thoughts of her, as I like to put it.
            At least all that thinking about her made me come to terms with the fact that we are over. That doesn’t mean I don’t miss her. In fact, I miss her more than I ever had before.   However, I also came to understand something during those three months. When she said we didn’t make each other happy, that was only a polite way to tell me I wasn’t making her happy anymore. Because the fact is that she made me happier than anything else. Back then I couldn’t tell her that I was 100% happy about us. I couldn’t because the fact that I couldn’t see her as much as I wanted, spend quality time with her, basically be the boyfriend she deserved, was upsetting me.
            So within these past months, I decided it was time to let go. It was time for me to accept that it was over.

            Today, the boys and I are back in the recording studio. A new album is coming up so it’s been pretty hectic. I have at least three songs to record today and that’s a lot. I decided to start with the maknae line and then go back up from Youngjae, to Daehyun and end with Himchan. That way they can all leave early and not wait for me as I’m probably going to be here all night.
            It’s around 11pm that I hear a knock on the door and I invite the person to enter. I am too focused on the computer in front of me to look up.

            “I know I’m late but you know how those girls get, talk so…Oh…Hi…” At that voice my head springs up in a flash. My eyes land on the young woman that is partly hidden behind the studio door.
            Did any of you hear of the saying “Karma is a ”? Well I can tell you that right now, I do believe in that saying. Even though I am quite dumbfounded to see her after three months, I manage to recover and let a small “Hey” escape my lips.

            “Uhm… I’m sorry to bother…Daehyun wanted me to bring him a book he left back home and told me he would be here today.” Jin says looking anywhere but at me whereas I can’t seem to detach my eyes from her.

            “He went back to the dorm.” I answer mechanically, as I simply can’t think of anything else to say.

            Silence falls between us in a heavy, awkward way. She is still avoiding my eyes while I don’t stop staring at her. My eyes go from hers to the line of her lips. She is nibbling on them. She does that when she is nervous and deep down, I feel a certain satisfaction knowing I still have that effect on her.

            “Could you maybe give it to him then?” she asks quietly and for the first time tonight, looking directly at me. For only a short amount of time, our eyes lock. A small smile starts appearing on my lips but it soon falls, the second she looks away.
            I just nod at her question, not feeling like saying anything else as a huge feeling of emptiness wins me over. On the other hand, I see her hesitantly walk over to me and she hands me the book. And now I’m the one that can’t look at her anymore.
            As I take the book from her hand, our fingers brush ever so slightly and that’s enough to send shivers down my spine. My body is craving for more of her touch but I know I don’t have any right for that moment to last any longer. So I brush it off, pushing the memory of that slight touch of her fingers in the back of my mind.
            I turn, once again, back to the computer in front of me and I see her in the corner of my eyes leaving the room. I’m about to launch the music on when I hear her speak up only loud enough for me to hear.

            “Please don’t over work yourself.” And then the door closes.

            I hear the distinct click of the door as she closes it and I shut my eyes tightly with my head in my hands. My heart is beating at a quick pace and I hate it.
Why? Why did she have to say that? Why couldn’t she just leave without a word?
            I bury my face in my arms as they wrap around it. And as I knew it would, my thoughts come out full on. Could it be that she regrets breaking up? Did her last remark mean that she still care? Does she still love me? And so on. Questions fill my mind and overwhelm me until I groan and dismiss all thoughts of Jin. Or at least try to.

            “Focus, Yongguk. Focus.” I try to motivate myself back to work. But time passes by and I haven’t made a single change about the song. Heck, I haven’t done anything but stare at the stupid screen in front of me.
            I let out a long frustrated sigh as I realize I won’t get anywhere with this work so I just give up for the night. I get up from my chair, my body aching from being seated there for a solid 12hours. I have no intention of going back to the dorm, all I want his to be left alone so I go to my bag and pull out a thin blanket from it. I then walk to the couch and make myself as comfortable as possible and close my eyes.

*

            The next day I wake up feeling numb. I hoped that sleep would wash that feeling away but it turns out it didn’t. And as I feared this numbness crawled up on me to the point it is now enveloping me. This was how I felt after we broke up. Numb. Not an unbarring pain, no. Just emptiness.
            I push myself out of my make shift bed and force myself to walk towards the dance studio. I don’t have the luxury of moping in bed and I surely don’t want to. I have responsibilities, my team is counting on me and I won’t let them down. I must remain professional over all. So even if it feels like I can’t feel anything, I sit down and start warming up a little, waiting for the rest of the group to arrive. They arrive shortly afterwards and join me. Having the members by my side helps. They are so lively and it is easy for me to let their playfulness and bright mood envelop me, making me forget about my troubles for a little while. The peace it brings me is well needed and I am thankful.
            We all work full on throughout the day, practicing the choreography again and again until we are all breathing heavily on the floor. We hear the door open and are heads all turn to the newcomer. And my eyes meet Jin’s. This time I am the first to look away but I see her looking down and my heart squeezes. Once again I can’t help this little spark of hope to creep in.
            I hear Jongup calling me so I get up and walk over him which makes me turn my back on Jin. Thanks to the mirrors I’m able to keep an eye on her and see her brother go to her. She doesn’t notice this though and I catch her glancing at my back here and there which doesn’t help the tight feeling in my chest as I try really hard not to think too much about it. But against my will I know that I am getting my hopes up and it angers me.
            So, Daehyun comes back over to us and Jin leaves so we resume are practice. While dancing I feel someone’s stare on me. I scan the faces of the members and meet eyes with Daehyun but he instantly looks away. Weird, I think but focus back on the choreography. As soon as I do that, I feel his eyes back at me. And the same little game goes on for the rest of the practice, him staring at me and looking away each times I look his way.

            Two hours later, we are all over the floor panting sweating and catching our breaths. Slowly, we get up to go pack our bags to go back to the dorm since we are done with today’s schedule. As usual they start leaving without me, knowing well that I’ll stay behind to check if everything is in order.

            “Hyung?” I recognize Daehyun’s voice coming from behind me. I turn around and give him a questioning look, wondering if he’ll tell me what was the staring about. His fidgeting says that he is actually sorting out if he should or shouldn’t tell me something.
            “She’s going on a date.” He says, his eyes looking straight in mine.

            At those five words my heart drops. A date. Yup. She is going on a date. Well there’s a reality check for me. I don’t know what I was thinking back there. But the truth is she moved on…Fair enough…

            “G-good for her…She deserves someone great.” I stutter and feel like an idiot.
Why am I trying to put up a front right now? It’s obvious that I am a mess. I can hardly feel Daehyun’s hand on my shoulder and hear him say he is sorry before leaving me alone in the studio.
            I stand there and I can’t breathe. I’m standing there with the words ‘she has a date’ repeating in my mind. My throat tightens as I try to hold back the tears but I feel my eyes watering slowly but surely until I can’t hold it anymore. I slide down the mirror I was leaning against and put my head in my hands, letting it out.
            It hurts. It hurts so damn much. But in the end I brought this up on myself. I should have known better than to let my hopes up. And for what? Because she looked at me. Damn it Yongguk, I say to myself. A complete idiot.
            When my tears die down and the ache in my chest enables me to stand up, I start walking towards the door and leave. I walk to the dorm, wanting the extra time to stop thinking. I manage to voice down my inner thoughts about this evening and walk down the streets. This time I welcome the numbness with open arms.

            After, I don’t know how long, I get to the dorm and enter carefully. My members must be passed out in bed by this time which is perfect. It isn’t that late, but with the couple of weeks we have had, our exhaustion has been piling up and since we got to leave the company “early” they must have taken that opportunity to have some well-deserved rest. And as I peak in, I am indeed welcomed by darkness. I walk over to the couch in the living-room, take out our laptop and start working on a couple of different songs to distract myself. Not long afterwards I hear a faint knock on our front door. I stand up mechanically towards it, wondering who could be coming over at this time.
            I open the door slightly and I think my vision or my mind is failing me, but I can’t really choose which one I’d prefer. I’m frozen in the doorway and my brain freezes as well.

            “Hi…” A very nervous Jin says, waiting in front of our dorm.
I don’t answer as I just don’t register what’s going on right now. She waits a few seconds before speaking up as she doesn’t get any response from me. “Can…Can I come in…?” She nervously asks and I move out of the way to open the door wider for her to come in. I close the door behind her and walk towards the living-room. I invite her to sit on the couch as I take a seat on the opposite side of her, as far as I can get. I don’t really know why I do that but I feel I shouldn’t get to close. As I do so, I see a slight sight of hurt in her beautiful eyes which confuses me some more. I turn my head back to look straight up before me but I feel her eyes on me.
            We sit in silence for a while. A long while may I add. But my cognitive functions not having returned, she’ll have to speak first or this can go on for the whole night. But throughout all of it I feel her stare on me. At some point se breaks her gaze and take her head in her hands with a loud frustrated sigh.

            “God… Yongguk I’m so sorry. I’m an idiot! Like really, how did I come up with this idea?! I don’t know! But you are to blame as well!! Why did you have to agree with me!! You should have fought me! Told me I was crazy!!” Jin started rambling while moving her arms all over the place before taking her head back once more into her hands. “And you did. You did and I didn’t listen. I’m telling you, a freaking idiot that’s what I am!!”

            For someone that was nervous and completely silent for a good 10minutes, she sure recovered quickly. But I don’t, I can’t mutter a thing as silence settles back between us. She goes back to looking at me while I keep staring at the wall is if it was the most interesting thing in the world. From the corner of my eye I see her look down at her hands and take a deep breathe.

            “I still love you…” she says barely as a whisper.

            She still loves me. She just said it. Why am I not jumping over the moon right now? I have no idea. She looks at me, clearly waiting for me to say something. When she realizes that she won’t get any answer, I feel her body scooting towards mine and I tense up.

            “Yongguk…Please say something…” she begs. And I want to say something but I just can’t.
            She gets even closer until her left leg is against my right one, sending electric shocks through me. Her hand comes up and I stop breathing. She cups my face in the palm of her hand and I feel how warm it is. All I want is to lean into her touch but something is preventing me of doing so. She guides my head to turn to make me look at her. Her touch is so gentle that I don’t resist anymore. I let her do it until my eyes fall on hers.
            We look at each other, her hand still against my cheek as she slowly moves her thumb in a soothing manner. I can’t take it anymore so I just close my eyes and give in to her sweet caress. My eyes are close when I hear some movement next to me. Before I have time to open my eyes, I feel her lips pressing softly on mine. My heart starts beating uncontrollably fast but that manages to make me snap out of it. As I start kissing her back, I feel her body relax in relief. It’s when her hand slides down to my neck that I suddenly realize what’s happening. I pull away to stand up and put some distance between us.

            “I can’t do this… You just went out on a date.” I say, with my back towards her, more for myself than for her.

            “Do you remember our first date?” She says out of nowhere, making me turn around in incomprehension.

            “What?”

         “Do you remember our first date?” She repeats not looking at me.

            Of course I remember it. It was a disaster. I had managed to get Daehyun to get the others out of the dorm since I wanted to cook for her. Don’t know what got into me since I’m a terrible cook, except if you consider ramen as cooking. Anyway. The cooking didn’t go well, I ended up burning most of the food while in front of her, otherwise where would have been the fun. So we ordered some food. We only had gotten the food that the company called me telling me they need me to go work on I don’t even remember what. The date ended up in my work place, ruining our night together.
            Jin asking if I remember how I messed up our first date is beyond me.

            “It was a disaster.” I mutter looking at the floor, not wanting to see her agreeing with me.

            “What are you talking about?” she asks, honest disbelief in her voice. “Yongguk that date was perfect. Everything about it.” She must see the confusion in my eyes since she continues. “Everything was so unexpected! That’s what made it special!” She pauses looking at me to see if she convinced me.

            “Then what about tonight...?” I pull up the courage to ask her.

            “Tonight was horrible. First of all, I didn’t want to go out with that guy. But my friend told me that I need to move on and at least give this guy a chance.” She explains while standing up to come face me. “At first I said no. But then I saw you that night when Daehyun asked me to come over and you were so indifferent that I thought you had moved on so I said I’d give the dude a chance.”

            She didn’t want to go on that date. She still loves me. I can slowly feel the numbness lift as look at her and see the sincerity in her eyes. A small smile is forming on her lips before she speaks up again.

            “That date was so…plain. There was no surprise, no originality in it. Just the normal perfect date you see in dramas. And that’s when I realized what big of a mistake I’d done.”

            This time I am the one to step closer to her and cup her face in my hands. I read anticipation in her eyes which gives me the courage to lean in and kiss her. Jin’s arms wrap around my neck as I hold her close to me.

            “Can you promise me something?” I ask, slightly breathless, as I pull back just enough to part our lips from each other’s. She answers by giving me a questioning look. “Promise me that if it ever gets hard again, we try to work it together. No more ‘it’s better if we break up’. From now on we try.”

            She nods at my words and closes the gap between us once again.

***

So this is my very first double update! Wooh! I hope this makes up a bit for the wait :)
Hope you will like these, please comment :)