Jiyong

I want to live life on my own terms. But I’m Korean, so my family is always there to guide me in everything I do, whether I want them to or not. Well, “guide” is too weak a word.
“Dictate” is more like it.

Mom didn’t ask if I wanted to leave America and move to Seoul/ Korea to live with my brother Seunghyun for my senior year of high school. She made the decision to send me back to Korea “for my own good”— her words, not mine. When the rest of my family backed her up, it was a done deal.

Do they really think sending me back to Korea will prevent me from ending up six feet under or in jail? Ever since I got fired from the sugar mill two months ago, I’ve lived how I want. Nothing is ever gonna change that.

When the plane lands, I watch other passengers scramble to get off. I hold back and let this whole situation sink in. I’m about to see my brother for the first time in almost two years. Hell, I’m not even sure I want to see him.

The plane is almost empty, so I can’t stall anymore. I grab my backpack and follow the signs for the baggage claim area. As I exit the terminal, I see my brother Seunghyun or should I say Top, waiting for me beyond the barricade. I thought I might not recognize him, or feel like we were strangers instead of family. But there’s no mistaking my big brother . . . his face is as familiar to me as my own. I get a little satisfaction that I’m taller than him now, and I don’t look anything like that scrawny kid he left behind.

“Welcome in Korea” he says as he pulls me into a hug.

When he releases me, I notice faint scars above his eyebrows and by his ears that weren’t there the last time I saw him. He looks older, but he’s missing that guarded look he always carried around with him like a shield. I think I inherited that shield.

“Thanks,” I say flatly. He knows I don’t want to be here. Uncle Jungsu stayed at my side until he forced me on the plane. And then threatened to stay at the airport until he knew my was off the ground.

“You remember how to speak korean?” my brother asks as we walk to the baggage claim.

I roll my eyes. “We only lived in America two years, Seunghyun. Or should I say, me, mom, and Seungri moved to America. You ditched us.”

“I didn’t ditch you. I’m goin’ to college so I can actually do somethin’ productive with my life. You should try it sometime.”

“No, thanks. I like my unproductive life just fine.”

I grab my duffel off the carousel and follow him out of the airport.

“Why are you wearin’ that around your neck?” my brother asks me.

“It’s a rosary,” I answer, the black-and-white beaded cross. “I turned religious since I saw you last.”

“Religious, my . I know it’s a gang symbol,” he says as we reach a silver Beemer convertible. My brother couldn’t afford a bangin’ car like that; he must have borrowed it from his girlfriend, Bom.

“So what if it is?” Seunhyun was in a gang before and dad was a gang member before him. Whether Seunghun wants to admit it or not, being a badass is my legacy. I tried living by the rules. I never complained when I made less than fifty pesos a day and worked like a dog after school. After I got canned and started running with the 동네의 전사 (Warriors of the neighborhood) , I made over a thousand dollar in one day. It might have been dirty money, but it kept food on our table.

“Didn’t you learn anything from my mistakes?” he asks.

, when Seunghyun was in the gang, I worshipped him. “You don’t want to hear my answer to that.”

Shaking his head in frustration, Seunghyun grabs my duffel out of my hand and tosses it in the back of the car. So what if he got jumped out of the Big Bang? He’ll wear his tattoos the rest of his life. Whether he wants to believe it or not, he’ll always be associated with the BB whether he’s active in the gang or not.

I take a long look at my brother. He’s definitely changed; I sensed it from the minute I saw him. He might look like Kwon Seunghyun, but I can tell he’s lost that fighting spirit he once possessed. Now that he’s in college, he thinks he can play by the rules and make the world a shinier place to live. It’s amazing how quickly he’s forgotten that not too long ago we lived in the slums of Seoul. Some parts of the world can’t shine, no matter how much you try and polish off the dirt.

“엄마 는요? (How's mom)” Top asks.

“She’s fine.”

“And Seungri?”

“The same. Our little brother is almost as smart as you, Seunghyun. He thinks he’s gonna be an astronaut.”

Seunghyun nods like a proud papa, and I think he really does believe Seungri can live his dream. The two of them are delusional . . . both my brothers are dreamers. Seunghyun thinks he can save the world by creating cures for diseases and Seungri thinks he can leave the world to explore new ones.
 
As we turn onto the highway, I see a wall of mountains in the far distance.

“The university is at the base of the mountains.” Seunghyun points off to the left. “I’ll take you there sometime. Bom and I take walks there when we want to get away from campus.”

When he glances at me, I’m looking at my brother like he’s got two heads.
“What?” he asks.
Is he kidding?—“I’m just wondering who you are and what the hell you did with my brother. My brother Top used to be a rebel, and now he’s talkin’ about mountains and takin’ walks with his girlfriend.”

“You’d rather I talked about getting drunk and ed up?”
“Yes!” I say, acting like I’m excited. “And then you can tell me where I can get drunk and ed up, ’cause I won’t last long if I don’t get some kind of illegal substance in my system,” I lie. Mom probably told him she suspects I’m into drugs, so I might as well play the part.