“I should probably go."

"Are you sure?"

Yixing nodded. "Nai Nai will probably be getting worried."

Joonmyun joined Yixing in rolling off the bed, and Yixing sighed heavily, before pushing him back down.

"What?"

"You've done enough for me, today. I'll walk."

"Then I'll walk with-"                                                                                          

Yixing shut him up with a kiss. Whilst primarily because Joonmyun wouldn't shut up if you signed at him, it had its ulterior benefits. "I appreciate it, really. I think I need some time to think, though."

Joonmyun smiled weakly in return, although nodding his head in understanding. "Okay."

It wasn't that he was sad about being rejected, he just didn't want him to be alone.

He did, however, walk Yixing to the door.

"Message me if you need anything, alright?"

Yixing nodded as Joonmyun pressed a kiss to his forehead, and then the door shut.

The air outside was cold as Yixing walked home, yet the numbness he'd felt before was thawing away. He didn't know what his position with Baekhyun was- ever since they were young they'd been best friends, their only fights ever consisting of who got the bigger slice of Nai Nai’s cheesecake, and the occasional "Don't make me feel like I'm controlling your life!" from Yixing. Baekhyun had always told him that he'd be there, but now he didn't know where he was.

It hurt.

It hurt that Baekhyun was the one that he would run to in situations like this. It hurt that he was the one person he couldn't run to. And it kind of hurt that he was one of the two that he would.

Yixing knew it was partially his fault, but there were just so many other ways he could have dealt with it. He wasn't one to usually overthink things, preferring to just go with the flow, but this time he couldn't stop it. He told Joonmyun he wanted to think, but as the dull throbbing that he'd felt in his heart begun to sting, he found himself walking back the way he’d came.

Joonmyun opened the door instantly, not like he'd been expecting it, but that he knew it might happen. Yixing felt like he was one of the two people that knew him better than himself, despite how much he'd been left in the dark.

"I don't want to think."

"I'll get my stuff."

"Can't sleep?"

Yixing nodded, back pressed against Joonmyun's chest. Joonmyun's thumbs began rubbing circles on to the skin of his stomach, palms pressed into the surface under his shirt, giving Yixing a comfort that managed to shock him every time. He knew that Joonmyun could very easily, take it further, and he knew that he’d cave without any need for convincing. He was thankful he didn't, however- both he and Joonmyun knew that he was worried about the things that would come out of his mouth. Yixing would never forgive himself if the first thing he said was in a situation where he didn’t have a grasp of the situation.

"Me neither," Joonmyun kissed the back of his neck, Yixing sighing into his hold, before turning himself over.

"You are so beautiful."  

"You're just saying that."

"Now you're just saying that."

Yixing ducked his head to hide his smile. "Tell me a story." he sat up, legs crossed.

"I tell you stories all the time!"

"Tell me another one! I can't sleep!"

"I can't sleep either!" Joonmyun was being honest. He'd found it difficult to sleep when the one he was holding on to had not yet found rest, his breath still uneven. "You tell me a story."

Yixing sighed, "Fine. But turn on the light, I don't know how you can see ."

Joonmyun flipped over to turn on the lamp, before looking back at Yixing, head resting in his hand as his elbow was propped up on the bed.

"I was ten, when they died."

Joonmyun's eyes widened instantly, his face dropping. This wasn’t what he’d expected.

“You don’t have to-”

Yixing covered Joonmyun’s mouth with his hand, before pulling it back.

“I want to tell you. I know so much about you yet you really know so little about me.”

Joonmyun bit his lip anxiously. “You don’t have to…”

“I want to. I want you to know- you deserve to know. You’ve done so much for me.”

Joonmyun looked down. “Okay,” he said softly. It wasn’t like he hadn’t wanted to know this since the day he’d laid eyes upon him- he just didn’t know why Yixing had changed his mind all of a sudden.

“You probably figured it out, but I was ten when I stopped talking too. My mum and dad had moved to Korea before I was born. Said it gave me more opportunities, so I could grow up bilingual. The situation in their hometown wasn’t good, either. They moved here and things got a lot better fast so they decided to stay.

Baekhyun’s parents lived a few houses down from them. They became friends because Baekhyun’s father can speak Mandarin so he worked with them on their Korean. I was born first but from the moment Baekhyun was, we grew up together so… he’s basically my brother.

I was just an average kid, honestly. I liked to play guitar, and sing. I liked to play soccer but I also liked to dance. My mother was a dancer so I think I got it from her.

Then, one day, the three of us were in the car. I can’t remember exactly where we were going because my memory is a little hazy, but dad was driving and mum was in the passenger seat. I was behind him. I can’t remember what dad was saying, but all of a sudden there was just- we just got hit. It was- it was a ing fifty zone, and they were going at least at a hundred, and when they turned the car didn’t turn sharply enough. I was looking at mum’s face just before it hit and- her eyes had widened so much. I can barely remember a thing but I know she knew it was coming, and that she could do nothing to stop it.

It hit the front side of the car, crashing into the beginning of my door but mostly dad’s, and he was- he was killed instantly. It must have been painless. It all happened too fast to not be painless.

The only other thing I remember is mum. The car that hit us had pushed the car to the sidewalk, and it’d hit a pole where mum’s window was. A ing pole just had to be there. Maybe it would have been better if it hadn’t been there and I just- what are the ing chances, you know? The window was smashed, and I couldn’t see the left side of mum’s body but I found out later I found out that- totally broken. I could see the blood dripping down her head though and the pain on her face as she tried to turn around to face me. She kept on talking, telling me about how much her and dad loved me. How much of a beautiful young man I was going to be, how much I looked like my father. How proud she and dad were of me. She knew- she ing knew she wasn’t going to make it and I was. And I should have said something. I should have ing said something but- I couldn’t. My neck hurt and the door was digging into my leg and I couldn’t ing say anything.”

Yixing took a deep breath in. He wasn’t looking at Joonmyun as he bit his lip, and continued to sign.

“I’m never- I’m never going to forgive myself for it. I feel like a small part of me hoped that it wasn’t happening. That dad was going to be fine and mum was going to be fine and everything was going to be normal but I ing knew that. I knew that it wasn’t going to be and I couldn’t say a goddamn thing. I couldn’t say thank you. I couldn’t say that I loved her, that I loved dad, that I was so thankful for everything they’d done. I couldn’t even ing cry. I just- it was nothing.

I passed out before emergency services came. Mum passed away in the ambulance, but I was unconscious. The person that’d crashed was with us too. I’m glad I didn’t see him, I found out later that he’d survived without any major injuries. I know he was charged, but I never bothered to see him. It wasn’t what mum and dad would have wanted and I’m not sure what I would have done.

When I woke up I was hooked up to monitors and drips and my head hurt and I couldn’t move and Baekhyun and his parents were sitting next to the bed and I could tell they’d been crying. Baekhyun was telling me how thankful he was that I was okay and I didn’t know what the hell he was talking about. All I knew was that something was wrong and my body felt heavy and I still couldn’t bring myself to say anything. For some reason I was too scared to say anything.

The doctor came in, said I had a concussion but it wasn’t too major. Asked me if knew what had gone on and I shook my head. His face turned grim and- then he told me what had happened. I just,” Yixing paused, sighing. “Cried. I didn’t say anything. I just cried.

The memories didn’t flood back to me, or anything. It took a few days. Nai Nai was on the first flight from China and God, it must have been hard for her because I didn’t see her cry once and- she loved them. She loved them so much. All she said to me was that she was glad I was okay.

She didn’t go back to China after that. She could have moved me back there but I think she didn’t want to take my friends away from me. I was let out of the hospital after a few weeks, on crutches because my right leg had been bashed in pretty badly. They wanted to put a metal plate in it but I wasn’t grown enough, so I haven’t been able to dance and I lost that, too.

I had no parents. I couldn’t dance. I couldn’t even ing talk properly. When I was in the hospital, Baekhyun would visit me every day for a few hours. He’d tell me what happened, what homework he had to do, that everyone wished me a safe recovery and was awfully sad about what had happened to my parents. He was nine and he asked me if I was ever going to talk again. It really scared me, that question. I didn’t know what he’d do if I said how I felt but- we’d always been honest with each other, so I shrugged and wrote that I wasn’t sure. I thought for sure he was going to say goodbye, walk out and never talk to me again, but instead he said it was okay, and pulled out a book from his bag that he’d found at the school library. He said he’d heard about it one time on TV, and thought that maybe, if I didn’t want to talk with my voice, I could talk with my hands. He said he thought it was cool, because then not many people could understand us. It’d be like our secret language. It was the first thing that made me smile in weeks.

After that, he studied with me every day for hours. I will never lose my gratitude for him, no matter what he says to me. When I got out of hospital and finally went to school, of course, I was happy and my friends were happy but- we just drifted apart. I don’t blame them, I really don’t. I was hard to communicate with. We’d be off to high school eventually and it’s not like they were going to use sign language with anyone else.

But- Baekhyun was there. He was always ing there. He’s the only one in my life that has always been there. It’s not that he makes me feel confined- I don’t know what I’d do without him- but, I feel like I’ve been controlling his life. How much did I hold him back? When he was a kid, he always told me he was going to quit school and become a singer. That dream disappeared as soon as the accident happened. He tells me it’s not my fault but I’ll never forgive myself.

I just- I feel so stupid. What is my purpose? Baekhyun probably feels like he’s wasted all his time, and after seven years I still can’t say a ing word because I’m too scared. I have this ability that people that people who are really mute don’t have, yet I’m too terrified to use it. I didn’t say the most important things to the people I loved and I lost them, and they’re never going to hear them ever again because they’re dead, why the do I even deserve to be able to say anything?” Yixing let out a shuddered breath. “I’m a burden, Joonmyun. I’m just a ing burden on everyone.”

Joonmyun bit his lip, trying to stop the tears from falling. It was a lot for him to take in and he knew that it must have been a lot more for Yixing to say. As far as he knew, no one else had been told the story because Baekhyun was there when it unfurled.

“Yixing...”

“Do you get it now? Do you get why it’s such a big deal for you to like me? I just- I’m so used to people walking away because they can’t communicate with me but- you ing. I’m a burden but you still want to be with me and I still don’t fully understand.”

Yixing bit his lip, now, tears falling down his face.

“Don’t leave me. Don’t you ever dare ing leave me because I don’t need someone else I care about so much leaving, and right now you’re the only one I have.”

Joonmyun wrapped his arms around the Chinese as he trembled slightly, breathing ragged.

“I’m not going to leave you,” he kissed his forehead, leaving his lips to linger for a few seconds. “I won’t.”

 Authors Note 

So now y'all know Yixing's story.
Thoughts? 

As always, thanks for the subscriptions and upvotes, they mean a lot :)
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