Chapter 5: On Thin Ice

“Sooyeon, Sooyeon!” Taeyeon helplessly cried to her weakened friend, who was lying on the cold hard sidewalk by the entrance of the subway. “What’s wrong? Are you hurt? Come on, we’re almost near the apartment, Sooyeon…”

Sooyeon was still conscious and her eyes are still barely open, but she just felt too weak to get up anymore. Her breath was also too shallow to be considered normal. Something was terribly wrong. It seemed like she just might turn unconscious on the spot.

“I… need… to go… to the hospital…,” Sooyeon said in a soft voice in short intervals. Her eyelids felt rather heavy, yet she still fought to keep them open.

“What?” Taeyeon just did not know how to process this at all. Throughout the day, Sooyeon was doing well—or at least she thought so. Why is this happening now? “Help! Someone help us!”

“Child, are you okay?” asked a passerby woman with a dyed blonde hair and dressed in a cool-looking leather jacket who crouched down to meet Taeyeon’s eyes level.

“Please, call an ambulance,” Taeyeon finally said feeling her heart beat faster. Then she caressed Sooyeon’s light brown hair and cried, “Sooyeon, hang on.”

The passerby woman immediately called the medics with her phone as the other people stood close to the scene in worry. Since a small group of people were beginning to form around them, it drew attention to someone very familiar to Taeyeon—the kind policeman who took her to the orphanage.

“Hey, hey, what’s going on here?” the tall young policeman said when he approached the scene and saw the crying Taeyeon holding onto the collapsed Sooyeon on the ground. “Huh, aren’t you that girl…?”

          When the ambulance came, Sooyeon was immediately transported to the hospital. Taeyeon rode with the policeman right behind the ambulance. As for now, our naïve little Taeyeon was just confused about everything. Her heart was beating so loudly in her chest, filled with an excess of emotions that wants to burst through. What happened? she kept asking herself that her brain could not help but sketch scenarios and theories that only made her feel worse. For now, all she can do was hope that Sooyeon was going to be alright.

“What happened?” the officer asked as he was driving.

“I don’t know,” Taeyeon sadly replied.

“Did you run away from the orphanage? Because the orphanage called earlier this afternoon saying that you disappeared. Thank goodness we found you and your friend!”

When they reached the hospital, Taeyeon saw the old lady from the orphanage and her grand-aunt, whom was supposed to adopt her today, but she did not see Sooyeon at all. She must have been sent to where the doctors check her or something. Wherever Sooyeon was, Taeyeon badly wanted to see her.

“There you are, you rascal!” yelled the old lady from the orphanage. “Your grand-aunt came but we found that you were not around! How could you run away with Sooyeon?! Don’t you know how reckless you just acted?!”

“Please, please,” said Taeyeon’s grand-aunt, trying to calm down the cranky orphanage woman. Her grand-aunt was rather short and obviously, very old. Just like Taeyeon described her, her eyes were too weak that she had to wear ridiculously thick eyeglasses that probably wouldn’t help with her sight anyway. Plus, her winter fashion should be something to be laughed at too. That horrendous cloak with cat prints on it just looked terribly embarrassing to be seen under lights. “I’ll deal with my grand-niece from here on.”

Taeyeon just sulked and refused to be held by her grand-aunt. “Where’s Sooyeon? What happened to her?”

“Sooyeon was none of your business from the start, young child. If you hadn’t taken her out of the orphanage, she wouldn’t have gotten worse!” the orphanage woman argued.

“Taeyeon, let’s go,” her grand-aunt said as she grabbed Taeyeon’s hand and forced her to come with her.

Taeyeon burst into tears and broke free from her grand-aunt’s grip. Once again, she cried, “Can’t I just see Sooyeon? Please? I want to see her for myself and know that she’ll be okay!”

“Come on, child. Let’s not make a scene here at the hospital,” said the policeman who came with her.

“No! I need to see her!” Taeyeon refused once again.

Sadly, the police officer and her grand-aunt had to drag her away against her will. For the rest of that unfortunate night, Taeyeon sulked and cried on the passenger seat of her grand-aunt’s car. They were headed out to the province, where Taeyeon will be staying for the rest of her childhood. Her grand-aunt already signed the adoption papers. It cannot be undone. Once again, she felt that the whole world was nothing but cruel and painful to her. All she wanted was to make her dear friend happy, but now she was not even allowed to see her dear friend. And just like what the orphanage lady said, Taeyeon highly believed that it was all her fault.

Sooyeon, I’m so sorry for everything… I did not know this would happen… I’m sorry…

***

          The next morning, Sooyeon woke up all alone in the cold, lonely hospital. White walls enclosed her, machines loomed around her, and the scent of the disinfected air aded the place. When she moved her hands, she realized that a tube filled with dextrose was injected into her left wrist, and a small clip-like sensor was attached to her middle finger. She could hear the monitor beeping out her slow heartbeat and the soft buzzing of the heater. Looking around the room, nobody was there. She was left all alone.

          A few minutes later, a kind nurse with a slight tan carefully went into the room. The nurse was polite enough to be quiet in case Sooyeon was still sleeping. She seemed to be a nice person. When she saw that Sooyeon was awake, she showed a wide, friendly smile and said, “Good morning, little lady!”

          Sooyeon just stared at the cheerful nurse through her weak, cold eyes and tried her best to smile back. Smiling was more difficult than she thought, but it did make her feel a tad bit better to do so.

          “You were worn-out when you came in last night,” the nurse chatted as she replaced the dextrose bag looming over Sooyeon’s head. “Just rest well for today, alright?”

          “Can I…please…sit up?” Sooyeon said in a soft, rough voice.

          “Sure!” Then the nurse readily pressed some buttons on the high-tech hospital bed to adjust the back rest of the bed. After a few buzzes the bed was lifted to make Sooyeon feel like she was sitting slightly upright.

          When she was finally sitting, she saw the clothes that Taeyeon lent her, including the scarf, all neatly folded on a chair cross her bed. “Miss…may I please… have the notebook from my…coat?”

          The kind lady went through her coat and handed it to her, along with the pen that came with it. “Do you need anything else?”

          “I’m alright…thank you.”

          Sooyeon opened the notebook to the first few pages—the calendar. After staring at the check marks for a while, her eyes wandered to yesterday’s date. The box was blank.

          Taeyeon…, Sooyeon thought as she stared at yesterday’s date. Yesterday was really fun…

          Then Sooyeon uncovered the point of her pen and instead of just checking that date just like every other finished days, she wrote something on it. “좋은 날” (Good Day)

          That three-character phrase really meant something to her. In all her life as a poor, destitute orphan, she rarely—probably never—had a “good day.” As a young child, she spent her days wondering what made her original parents abandon her. Did they not like her? Did they not love her? Did they not want her? Why? Was she not an appealing baby? Was she a mistake? Whatever the reason was, the whole fact that she was abandoned always broke her heart. The words “unwanted” and “unloved” were engraved deep in her heart; when in reality, no one in this big wide world would ever want to be defined by those awful, agonizing words. With that mindset, she went on with her life as if she was nothing but an undesirable piece of trash—discarded and worthless. Obviously, “good days” were never an option, because she was brainwashed into thinking that her whole existence serves nothing for the good of anyone in this world.

          Later, she found out from a blood test that she had leukemia—the cancer of the blood. As a young child, she had no idea what exactly went on with the process and science of this fatal sickness, but she knew that this would eventually lead to her death. The doctor once explained that her type of leukemia was chronic leukemia, which meant that it progresses slowly and that she may be able to live longer—even years—with it. In fact, she may not even feel the effects of the cancer at all during the first stage. However, recently this year, she had been feeling the symptoms of her illness. That was why she had been disappearing from the orphanage on some days; she needed to see the doctor when she felt too fatigued, had a fever, or lost too much weight because of lack of appetite.

Also, ever since she found out about her sickness, she had always kept some form of calendar to mark the days that she got through alive. She celebrated in this often. She already got through three years’ worth of calendars and still going strong at eleven years old. She wants to know how long she will last, and even if she won’t reach her nineteenth or even twelfth birthday, she doesn’t really care. Nobody will care about her disappearance from this world anyway. If anything, her leukemia will just end her miserable life and free her from the agony that she was going through. Because if she had to live the rest of her life unwanted and unloved, she probably cannot take it. She would rather die.

However, now with Taeyeon in mind, the cold, expressionless little girl melted down to tears. All alone in the familiar, yet uncomfortable hospital room, Sooyeon did nothing to hold back the droplets from her sad eyes. She has made a friend who made her feel important and appreciated for once in her life, even though she did nothing much to deserve it. How could she just leave this world and let Taeyeon down? No, Sooyeon did not want to let her dear friend down. That was her whole point of being a cold snob to people; she did not want anyone to be too attached to her and eventually get hurt if she passes abruptly. Her death sentence will come sooner or later, and she would rather not drag the strong, yet struggling Taeyeon to be pulled down to her emotional wreck. Nevertheless, Taeyeon was already involved, and her view of her coming end was never the same again. This friendship was now on thin ice--they never know when they'll fall through a crack.

Taeyeon, I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough… I really want to be your friend, but I can’t… You will be hurt if you do…

***

          Taeyeon, who went to the far-off province with her grand-aunt, woke up to a giant fur ball prancing on her tiny face. It was one of her grant-aunt’s annoying cats.

          “Ugh, I hate this place,” Taeyeon grumbled as she sat up from her sleeping mat in the dusty attic of her grand-aunt’s old house. “My apartment in Seoul is way better than this…”

          For the rest of the day, her grand-aunt did not even talk to her unless it was necessary (like when it was time to eat or time to clean). Once again, Taeyeon felt lonely. Although Sooyeon doesn’t really talk much either, at least Taeyeon could feel Sooyeon’s warm heart beneath that icy surface. As for her grand-aunt, it was a different story. Her grand-aunt treats the cats more as children than she did to Taeyeon. So then Taeyeon just went off to do her own thing and just ignored her grand-aunt too. The cats don’t really like her that much either. They scratch her at night and wake her up with their creepy purrs in the morning.

          One day she asked her grand-aunt, “Can we please go back to Seoul just to visit my friend? I really want to know what happened to her. And I want to say sorry for the trouble I put her through. Besides, I never got to say goodbye. Can’t I just see her one last time before you ruin my life for good?”

          “Ruin your life?!” The grand-aunt was not in outrage. “I adopted you to save you from the rottenness that you would have turned into if you would stay in that orphanage! But I see that you are already a nasty little child who doesn’t even appreciate the kindness that I offer!”

          Taeyeon shut and sulked again in her corner. She had to admit that her words came out wrong, and that her disrespect would not even get her anywhere.

Nevertheless, in that point of breaking again, she thought of Sooyeon and how she had dragged her friend into such a mess. She could only imagine the orphanage woman getting mad at poor Sooyeon at the hospital now (although that definitely did not happen because the orphanage lady does not do anything to Sooyeon at all) and how Sooyeon must be feeling really sick because of staying out in the cold too long. Taeyeon just thinks that the whole reason for Sooyeon being the hospital was her fault—not really knowing that Sooyeon has been sick even before she met her. But whether it was her fault or not, her heart and care for Sooyeon was strong.

          Since she was still determined to see Sooyeon and find out what happened to her, she studied the house of her grand-aunt quite well to figure out how to get out and run away early before sunrise. The next day, she studied the town. Through books and maps from the local library, she found out that the nearest city with a subway station was two hours away by a bus from the small town bus station. Of course, she will need to transfer from subway to subway, but she knew that she will be able to get to the Seoul Station on her own. In about a few days, she already planned a detailed escape to see Sooyeon. Thank goodness Korail exists. (Korail is South Korea’s largest railway network.)

Her cleverness was not to be underestimated also. However, her young cleverness did have some limits, considering she did not even think of what will happen if by chance the policeman would find her again. Plus, all that cleverness involved so much recklessness and courage. All that she thought about was seeing her friend. Ever since her parents died, she had nothing left to lose, except Sooyeon. She did not really care if she was reckless anymore. She may very well think that she was mature enough, but in fact, she was just succumbing to her childish concepts of nobleness. She was just running straight on thin ice again.

          About a week after Taeyeon was taken to the province by her senile grand-aunt, she ran away again before the rays of light from the sun even emerged. There was no stopping her. With her trusty backpack hanging over her shoulders, she was ready to face the world again. Opening the latch of the door, she went out and shooed away one of the cats. Then she quietly closed the door. Her grand-aunt was still asleep to even notice, so it was easy enough to run away. Down to the streets and borrowing—or taking rather—a conveniently posted bicycle from a neighbor, she went off and zoomed down the slopes to the bus station with great determination.

Sooyeon, I’m coming back for you.

Author's Note:

I know Taeyeon keeps running away, but if you're young, don't go on running away, okay? That's not safe or advisable at all.