I N N E R C I R C L E

 

PART I I I

C R I M S O N

 

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7.

 

  That night, when Mino left the small apartment located 5 minutes away from YG building, he knew that it was the last time he'd ever be there. Just three hours ago, everything seemed so normal; they went to a TV station, they had to record a show, they went home at four in the afternoon, Seungyoon was happily going out with his college friends, Jinwoo stayed in for a soap opera marathon and Taehyun went shopping. Mino went to meet Seunghoon in his apartment, and as usual, they spent the rest of the evening here. There was nothing new, except that after this, there would not be another time things could ever happen in that order. They would still have schedules and days off, the members would still go out, have fun, or stay in to watch movies, but Mino wouldn't find himself walking on this familiar street, follow this distinct path that leads to this specific place again. Funny how life took its turn in a strange way. One word, and what has been for so long could easily be replaced, discarded, forgotten; life vanishes even when everything stays the same, same old conversations, same old people, even the sky has the same color, but for the people living in it, everything is never the same again.

 

Today, he asked Seunghoon to stop whatever was happening between them.

 

Without a second thought, Seunghoon agreed to it. Strangely, that hurt him more than he could imagine. He tried to ask Seunghoon, why didn't you say anything, well knowing that he wasn't at a position to ask.

 

Mino has thought about this - the idea of breaking up - for more than once. Every time, he felt a little different. There were days when it seemed like he didn't need to see Seunghoon for the rest of his life and he would be perfectly fine with it. There were days when it was suffocating just thinking about it. There were days the idea was estranged to him like a floating seaweed on a strange shore amongst restless tides; reflecting on their relationship caused him an out-of-body experience in which he could visibly see himself sitting on his chair - elbows on his knees, face buried in his hands, or walking around in his small room, or continuously inhaling smokes in the parking lot; all the while, his face etched with shadow and deep thoughts. Dazed and confused, lost and anxious, wounded and in love; wandering amongst those thoughts, Seunghoon was the image of his fear.

 

He remembered mama always tells him that it is hard to be in love. Mama has never been in love, even though she had him and his sister - but she wasn’t in love, and it is okay, because she had them. Mama would tell him that no matter how old people are, they would forever be too young for love. And that sometimes what we think of as love will not necessarily be something beneficial. “But ain’t you lonely,” he asked, “spending time by yourself and not with someone else?” Mama would smile at him, her soft hand tenderly patting his head, “it depends on how you define loneliness. I am alone, but I am not lonely.” Mino wouldn’t understand it then, but as time goes by, he went through too many moments in life when he could identify the differences between the two. He wasn’t alone, but he sure was lonely. The excitement and mesmerization of a young crush would pass away too quickly too easily, and most often times, he would be left asking himself why he couldn’t get out of that suffocated feeling of being utterly alone.

 

Loneliness. It was what someone with such honest eyes and loud laugh like Mino shouldn’t have. It was what someone with such bright personality and quick wit like Seunghoon shouldn’t have. But for some reasons, the two boys came together, looking like they were okay, and entered too quickly a relationship. Mino didn’t realize it then, how not okay it was when he was too obsessed with Seunghoon, that a moment not touching or seeing him would drive him mad. He told himself that it was a young crush, that after a while when he could be c