I N N E R C I R C L E

PART I V

L O N G L O N G W A Y

_______________________________________________

11.

“NOOOOO.” Jinwoo exclaimed as he held his chest. “He did not do that. Tell me he did not do that.”

“Yes, he did. He smashed the mirror with his palms. I thought he lost his mind.” Seunghoon sighed as he threw himself onto his bed. Jinwoo stood up from the chair and joined him.

“How long has it been going on like this?” Jinwoo asked worriedly. He stopped for a second, then continued. “You rarely told me anything, so I thought things were going fine.”

“It’s complicated, you know.” Seunghoon cleared his throat as he reached for the water bottle on the floor.

“Hey don’t give me that. If anyone, I know you, Hoonie.”

“We just had a small fight is all.” Seunghoon took a big gulp of water and wiped his lips.

“A small fight doesn’t make people go smashing and hurt themselves.” Jinwoo made a small ‘tsk’ as he asked. “You haven’t told me everything, haven’t you?”

Seunghoon didn’t answer. He put a blanket to cover his legs then lay down. Jinwoo moved closer to the bed header and lay his back against the wall. He kept looking at Seunghoon, waiting for the younger one to speak up. But Seunghoon insisted on staying quiet. Just by looking, Jinwoo knew that the other’s mind must have been racing to a thousand places right now, and he respectfully waited. After a while, he heavily sighed as his hand reached out to tenderly caress Seunghoon’s forehead.

“You are not gonna speak at all, are you?”

“There is rather nothing to really talk about.” Seunghoon mumbled; he avoided looking at the beautiful face that was etched with wariness. Jinwoo knew him too well to let it fly, but he might understand that this is not something Seunghoon would like to discuss. He closed his eyes to feel Jinwoo’s slender fingers playing with his hair. “That feels nice.” He almost whispered but managed to stop himself.

“It feels nice, isn’t it?” Jinhoon’s soft voice startled Seunghoon. “You always like this.”

“Yeah…” Suddenly Seunghoon felt uncomfortable. He thought of some ways to get out of the situation without being rude. Jinwoo noticed his uneasiness and slightly chuckled. He pulled his hand away and kicked back. Seunghoon didn’t say anything, yet he gave Jinwoo a guilty look. Jinwoo didn’t return his gaze. He smiled and looked afar instead:

“ Hoonie, do you still remember what happened between us?”

After a moment of reconsidering, Seunghoon reluctantly replied:

“Of course I do.” Jinwoo turned to look at him as he smiled even more brightly. Somehow it pained Seunghoon to see that. He must have forgotten the way Jinwoo always smiled at him, despite everything.

“Mm. I thought you forgot.”

“Why do you say that, hyung?”

Jinwoo withdrew his smile. His facial expression became hardened. It was time Jinwoo dropped his act – and Seunghoon knew where the conversation was going. He swallowed with difficulty as he waited for Jinwoo to say the words. Those words that only Jinwoo would be able to say to him and he would have to take it. In the end, it was him who started everything.


* * *


Kim Jinwoo was twenty one when he first met twenty-year-old Lee Seunghoon. He has heard of Lee Seunghoon before, the golden boy of the famous audition program, Kpop Star. He has spared his time during the busy training sessions to follow up on the show to watch the boy from Busan weeks by weeks showing his unimaginable talent and passion climbing to the top. He was almost jealous at the fact that Lee Seunghoon, who seemed to have no experiences in singing or rapping, was able to get through them weekly competitions by his mere presence on the stage. But on the episode Seunghoon was eliminated, Jinwoo found himself crying along with the stranger he had never met – the tears streaming down on that face seemed somewhat familiar. At one point of his life, he had cried like that, so genuinely, so heartbreakingly, so painfully – the taste of a dream that was crushed when it was so close. An expected disappointment, a forseen loss, was what it was. That boy went through criticism after criticism, managed to do his job while smiling, but in those eyes, there was this hole of darkness and wounded gaze that perhaps not many people could see. But in the end, no matter what he did, it still wasn’t enough. He was expected to leave by so many people, and it was time he did. Lee Seunghoon wasn’t crying because he lost. He cried because he couldn’t prove those people wrong. Perhaps there were not many people who would get it.

But the ones who have felt that way before, would understand. People like Kim Jinwoo, would totally get it. What was more, he felt it so deeply, so heavily on his heart, that he skipped practicing that day and spent his whole afternoon crying in the bathroom of the practicing studio. When Kang Seungyoon found him, he was almost passing out on the floor. Jinwoo silently wiped what was left of his tears from his reddened eyes and told Seungyoon he was homesick. Seungyoon looked at him with concerns and offered to take him out for a meal, but he politely declined. “I want to stay in to practice tonigh,” he had said. “I’m haven’t practiced at all today.” Seungyoon nodded and later that night, he brought Jinwoo dinner and hot cacao. Jinwoo gratefully took it from Seungyoon. He ate his meal in the dark while crying.

The next day, and the day after that, Jinwoo practiced so diligently without even sleeping. Everyone was looking at him strangely, but they didn’t say anything. As trainess, whatelse were you supposed to do – he was the oldest amongst the kids. And the least talented, as one might never say to his face, but he knew. He knew because he could never join any rap battle, dance battle, and when Seungyoon and Taehyun played to each other their composed songs on the guitar, he would silently retreat to the recording room and rehearse his part for the thousand time. It was always lacking something. He was always lacking something. But he knew, despite everything, his dream was not.

A few months later, Jinwoo showed up at the studio to find the boy that he was secretly obsessed about was coming to be a part of the team. Kim Jinwoo was stunned at the sight of the strange-yet-familiar boy who was sitting in a corner and politely answering people’s question about the show he was in. He wanted to naturally walk next to him, say hello or ask questions like people did. But what could he actually ask, when the only thing that was in his mind was, ‘was your heart finally mended, are you okay now, Lee Seunghoon?” That question shouldn’t be asked by someone you never met. So he kept his distance and only slightly nodded at the boy, then took his brief leave to go practice.

It was almost two weeks until they had the first proper greeting. It was Seunghoon who came up to him and offered him a bottle of water when he couldn’t find one. Jinwoo awkwardly said thanks and received the