Hey, it's been a while.

The pages have gotten rough, the cover accumulated a heap of dust, and quite the surprise I felt when I found these old pages at the back of my closet. 

. . . So much has happened these past few months, I really don't know where to start. To be truthful, I wasn't going to write this last entry. In fact, I had wanted to throw this away because it was just written proof of how much I have suffered. I guess I'll just tell you straight. 

I'm better. I'm a lot better now. It's obvious that I was losing it five months ago, I was so broken. I did things that I still regret today, and I'm too ashamed to tell you, so you'll have to forgive me for that. Just know that I was extremely desperate to succeed in finding a way to you, to see you again and be with you, no matter the consequences. But of course, I wasn't able to achieve this, as I was too much of a coward back then, but it's not like I have found the courage to see you in person as of today. I think I'm far from that courage. And even when the day is to come, it would be unintentional. 

Yixing. You wouldn't know who he is, I didn't even know he was in my grade, let alone attended the same school. He's. . . a very quirky guy. Passionate with his guitar. Observant but never looks someone in the eye longer than a few seconds. Easily blends into the environment so he doesn't attract attention. Doesn't talk much, but when he does, his words are so meaningful it smacks you in the face hard.

I didn't meet him at school. I had run away from home when school stopped calling and started knocking. I wasn't in my right mind to keep count, but it was a few escapes later where I had caught sight of a male student. It took me a while to recognise his school emblem, a replica of the institution who kept insisting I return there. (Like hell I would have obeyed them at that time.) I had concealed myself so well inside the house that it was a shock to see another teenager, walking in my direction who still had not noticed me for his eyes were closed. He didn't even have earphones in. 

What kind of a person walks down a street, albeit a quite one, with his eyes closed the whole time? Of course I side-stepped, and his eyes did not even flutter. I was surely gaping at him, with my shabby shirt and tangled hair, and today I still do not know how he could have picked up something, because after a few steps past me, the boy abruptly stopped. Moments later, his head was turned, unthreatening gaze on me. 

Maybe we met because it was fate, maybe we met because I was so vulnerable it only made sense that it was time for someone to save me, but we clicked so well together I will forever be thankful to whoever is pulling the strings in this world. Yixing is so much closer than just a friend, and I really do treasure him. He makes me laugh, smile, built my walls back up for me, helped me see what life has to offer - all the things I've neglected.

I'm currently preparing for my upcoming exams, and have earned a few friends at school (other than Yixing), and my emotional state. . . I'm definitely feeling happy and accomplished. Yixing has been extremely careful when mentioning topics related to you, and he has offered enough comfort, but I've decided for myself. There is no other path. It is the most healthiest for me to accept that you're not coming back. I want to say that I wish to forget your existense altogether, but really, how can I rid all those memories with you, even when there's no tangible evidence you stepped into my life (that is, if I decide to throw this diary away in the end)? Damn my photographic memory. 

The memories kill me each time I revisit them, but it's perfectly okay since Yixing and my friends from school make me feel alive again. It's an excellent balance, if I do say so myself.

I'll be ending this now, and stashing this little journal in a safe-keeping place. At times, I regret disintergrating everything, so the most I can do is keep this purple notebook. 

I'm very happy Luhan. I have loved you for a great amount of time, and I still love you. I will always love you, because you have given me so much, even though you left me crying my heart out when you left. You were the one spark in my life, when I had nothing left, and if it weren't for you, I would never grow to be the adolescent I am today. You forever have a place in my heart, and I refuse to let you go.