I'm sorry Luhan. I'm so sorry for everything. It's just so hard without you here, without you by my side.

What if I wasn't the one who started the fights? What if I wasn't the one who always threw the tantrums? What if I had stopped taking and started giving? Would you still be here? Maybe if I could stop the breakdowns at night so that you could continue on your own matters, maybe if I had just walked out of the cage that you had already unlocked for me ages ago, you wouldn't have left me.

I regret it, I regret it all.

If only, if only I knew. I would have stopped being such a dependent teenage girl. I should have known better to not take your love for granted. I should have known ages ago, when my family went on a car trip and never returned. I should have known when my aunt left me out on the streets. I should have been the expert in treasuring things. 

You came to me, like an angel from Heaven, and still I did not realise just how lucky I was. Whoever made up the saying "you don't know what you have till it's gone" must have endured devastating situations to have thought up of such a relatable quote. 

I remember the time when I used to despise the cold, but ever since I met you, freezing temperatures was the best excuse to seek warmth in your arms, and for that reason, I wished for the icy atmosphere every day and night. What if the face of the Earth froze over? Would you finally come back to me?

I remember our "first" date. We couldn't stop laughing on the way to the Christmas stores because we had been spending most of our time around each other. It felt like our hundredth date. It was a very cold Christmas Wednesday, and we were going to buy a tree for my house. "Need to lighten up the place", you said. Honestly, your smile is worth infinite Christmas lights, and maybe I should have said that out loud at the time.

I guess I did value our relationship and our moments, but I failed to sit back and maybe thank God for the wonderful gift I had received after I lost everything. Maybe one prayer could have changed fate, maybe one look to the sky would have strengthened the strings so that they wouldn't snap in the future, resulting in where we are right now. 

I just can't stop the "what if" questions. I think it's driving me crazy. Is it normal to feel dizzy when I stand on my own feet after five minutes? Or maybe I just need to change the heater; it's been doing me service for a while now.

I feel tired. The pen feels so heavy and my head keeps tilting forward without me noticing. My eyelids seem to be getting in the way as well.  I don't think I can continue writing today so I'll leave this entry with one more question that I hope I can find an answer for:

What if I had been a better girlfriend?