Lifeless.

I couldn’t seem to find my soul and my mind. Lifeless, I was. Walking around the corridor, dragging my body, forcing myself to go on. I was so stupid – I wanted to scream at her, I wanted to hit her; I wanted to ask her why in the world would she leave me – I gave her everything I was. I gave her myself. I forgot what’s wrong and right, and accepted her apologies even though I knew for myself I was being ridiculous.

But she still left. I lost her, for real this time.

Trudging with great difficulty, I finally found myself in my first class. I dragged my feet towards the last seat at the back and groggily sat down.

“I heard Jessica Jung left.”

I heard someone whispered in front of me. I clenched my teeth, yes, yes she did. For some reason, she left the school.

“Someone told me she was excluded!”

“Eyy, even Jessica Jung was popular she’s quite the good girl, to be honest.”

My brows furrowed as I subtly leaned closer to them. Excluded? Why would Jessica be excluded? What has she done wrong? My curiosity was itching, and at the same time my heart was pounding extremely inside my chest.

“Look, don’t tell this to anyone, alright?”

Biting my lip, closing my hands into fists – I was never this nervous in my whole life.

The girl leaned closer to the other one’s ear and I found myself nearly at the edge of my seat.

“She’s pregnant.”

Just like someone had dropped a bomb on me, I exploded inside.

Tears suddenly streamed down my cheeks and my body trembled vehemently. I put my hand over my mouth to refrain myself from making a sound. Confusion, happiness, and scepticism washed over my body and for a while my mind was completely blank. My heart was pounding fast but now it seemed to die down.

“I reckon it was Kim Jaejoong. I saw them in the lockers room one day.”

“Oh God, seriously?”

What?

My breath hitched. Kim Jaejoong.

But I was the one who had with her... how...why... unless she had... oh God, please no.

Mindless and hurt, I ran off. I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t take it if all this time – all this freaking time I tolerated her, all this time I became stupid for her – she was cheating on me.

I needed to talk to her.

--

Running around their neighbourhood, I frantically looked for their house. Nothing was on my mind but the need and my desperate desire to talk to her.

She was my everything and I wouldn’t be able to move on if my questions wouldn’t be answered right now. I was ready to let her go, I definitely was.

If ever she’s pregnant and if ever Kim Jaejoong was the one who impregnated her, I would accept the fact and let her go. I just needed her to confirm it for me. I just needed her to say it with her own mouth... because even with the thinnest, abject thread of hope that I had, I was still hoping that the baby she was carrying was mine.

Finding their door, I knocked mindlessly. “Sooyeon!” I screamed. “Sooyeon! Please talk to me!!” I knocked with more power.

Three minutes have passed but nobody was answering the door.

My hope was gradually decreasing.

I sat down on the ground and put my face in my hands. Tears once again continuously escaped my eyes. Sooyeon, Sooyeon please talk to me.

“Excuse me?”

I wiped my face with my shirtsleeves and looked up. I saw a man, looking at me, squinting as if pitying me.

I stood up and he patted my shoulder. “Kim Taeyeon?”

I nodded; I couldn’t even be bothered to ask how he knew my name. “I’m Jung Yunho. Jessica’s brother.”

Bewildered, I immediately knelt in front of him. If this is the only way to talk to her for now then I would risk my pride. “Please let me talk to her. Please, I’m begging you.”

“Hey, hey, stand up, man.” I stood up and pleaded him with my eyes. “Look, I really wanted the both of you to talk but Jessica... she’s a total mess right now.”

My heart clenched. “Please...” I tried again. I was in despair – I could do anything just to talk to Jessica.

“Taeyeon, Jessica’s pregnant.”

“I know! That’s why I wanted to talk to her. Please let me! Please, I’m begging you!”

Putting his hands on his hips, he sighed. “Leave her be for now. She needs to sort herself out. She still couldn’t accept the fact that she’s pregnant. She’s only 18, Taeyeon. The both of you are.”

If only he would let me, I’d be kneeling again to beg at him. “Please.”

He shook his head. “You’re the father, Taeyeon, just keep that in mind. Don’t think about anything anymore and leave her alone for now, you hear me? Go relax and think how you’d be able to raise a family with her. Jessica will talk to you if she’s ready.”

Feeling a bit of weight being lifted from my shoulders, I sighed in relief. I was the father, he said. A small smile tugged at my lips. She would talk to me. In time, she would. “Please... please tell Jessica that I’m always here.”

“I will.” He patted my shoulder and went off.

***

Ten months seemed to have passed by like the wind.

Ten months of not seeing her. Ten months of waiting for her. Ten months of suffering, longing, and curiosity about her, our baby. I held on to what her brother had said: she will talk to you if she’s ready. Would she, really? How much longer would it take for her to talk to me? A year?

Our baby would have probably born right now, yet I was not there.

I sat on the ledge and dangled my feet to and fro. Visiting Han River had become a daily routine for me these ten months.

Heaving a sigh I stared at the flowing river. I hoped my mind would be peaceful and tranquil like that. But thoughts – hurtful thoughts seemed to be my twins. They would never leave me alone.

I stood up and walked back towards our home.

Every night I dreamed of seeing my baby, seeing Jessica. I dreamt of working a professional degree and then coming back home with Jessica’s arms widely open for me, and our baby would by then be sleeping. I dreamt of becoming the perfect dad... but every night I couldn’t help but to think if those dreams would ever come true.

However, as I always thought to encourage myself – yes they would come true. I just needed a longer patience. For ten months now I kept on telling that to myself. Sometimes I felt like I was becoming crazy – that I was slowly losing my insanity, but I would remind myself to hold on. I couldn’t be insane when I would welcome my family now, would I?

It was tormenting to live like this, miserable. But I needed to keep my grip on reality.

The sun was slowly setting, leaving the sky in a yellowish orange state. I was about to sit down on a bench when my phone suddenly vibrated.

Looking at the caller, it was my mother. I pressed the answer button, ready for some nagging, but that wasn’t what I heard.

I heard my mum’s voice – frantic. “Kim Taeyeon, go back home right now! Hurry up!”

--

“Mum, did you see who left them here?!” I held my mum’s shoulders, slightly shaking her in desperation. However she shook her head; eyes still glued to the two infants in the twin stroller.

Glancing at the babies for a quick moment, I hurriedly went out of the gate and searched for Jessica. However, I never saw her. The sidewalk was empty, and there were nothing but speeding cars on the roads.

I almost heard my heart cracked into pieces.

I walked back home with regret. I opened the front door and saw my mum still staring at the babies – my babies.

“Taeyeon, there’s a letter here. I think you might want to read it.”

I took the paper in my mum’s hand.

Take care of the twins, Taeyeon.

A tear streamed down my face. What did she actually want? Did she really love me? Did I just make a fool out of myself and become stupid for her? Wait... were those two even my babies?!

I looked down and gazed intensely at the two crying infants in front of me.

“Taeyeon, forget about Jessica and raise your children.”

No. How could I forget about her? How would I be able to if she left me two precious things... that would forever remind me of her? “I... “ My mum patted my shoulder and that was then that all my bottled up emotions for ten months overflowed. I cried, in my mother’s arms.

--

It was past midnight when I heard crying sounds from the door next to my room. Half-asleep and groggy, I reached for the doorknob and saw the twins crying hard.

I took one of them in my arms and patted the other one in hope to calm them down. But their cries only intensified. “Shh,” I cooed.

The both of them continued crying regardless of my effort to stop them. I was already panicking.

 Luckily though, my mum finally went inside and gave a bottle of milk to the baby lying down. He then took the one in my arms and put it