Yifan Oppa,

It’s been hard not seeing you even just for three days. Last Monday I was so determined not to see you for I was too embarrassed with what I did; still I wanted to see you. I had this thought all day when in the afternoon I heard from Krystal that you chatted with Jiwon online. My heart sunk as soon as the words left Krystal’s mouth and she also hoped that you continue to chat online. Krystal glanced at me but I had to pretend I did not feel anything. I wanted to know everything about it, if you were the one who initiated it and why? Still I had to respect Jiwon’s privacy and feelings. She was so happy and I know she deserves it.

The next day I attempted to see you unfortunately I did not. Yesterday I missed you so much that I had to chase you along the hallway just to see you. It’s been so hard to stay away from something that makes you happy. Yet it hurts to always be the one chasing and knowing I might not even exist in your world. Well I hope I do.

I was so focused on wanting to see you that I just realized after that it was too obvious I was chasing you. It was just so stupid. I do not blame you if you also do think it was so stupid. IT WAS. I just… I just lose my self whenever you’re around.  

As I walk forward, I wondered if in those three days of not seeing you, did you ever wondered why you did not see me in the hallway. Were you expecting to see me? Did you want to see me? I was hoping that you did but when I saw you earlier I know you didn’t I do not even know if you glanced at me like you would sometimes. I was waiting for you to at least glance in my way but you did not. If that indicates that I seem not interesting to you I might as well start working on forgetting these feelings for you.

There were many times I told myself to stop it already for it seemed hopeless. I got hurt a lot holding to ‘what if’s’ holding to the thought of ‘maybe’s’. I wait and wait for that day when the two of us can meet and be in my best form; to get to know each other and just be closer to you. Now I still do and I do not when I’ll stop or if I would be able to.

I was checking out my SNS and I saw one post that you liked it said “RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU HAVE A HOPLESS CRUSH ON SOMEONE YOU CAN NEVER CALL YOURS!” and I immediately thought of Stephanie. Although I hoped it was me it was clearly her. She’s like your fantasy, your star; the girl on the pedestal. Everyone has their own versions of her once in their lives. I know how you feel for you are my counterpart of Stephanie. You are my star that I always wonder if I will be able to reach you. Every time I thought I get to be closer to you something happens and the distance between us seem to grow wider.

I always question if you see what I see. Do you view things as I assume you would? Would you really think the same way I thought you would? If I had one wish at this moment I want to know what you really think and feel about me. I’ve been dying to know since the day I started losing myself whenever you’re around.

Mark, one of my closest friend who i always talk to and knows more about me other than my girl friends, told me to be bold and initiate a conversation with you. I did think about it; I was going to if it weren’t for Jiwon I realized that it was Krytal who to you and knowing Jiwon if she knew I had feelings for you she would back down. More specifically she would not have developed strong feelings for you like she has now. I know this is bad but I do blame Krystal sometimes she knows I like him a lot and I met him way before they met him. I just do not want my feelings for you get in the way of my friendship with Jiwon even though I just met her I do not want her to think that I do not consider her feelings for you.

Sometimes I think Krystal’s just bragging that she’s closer to you than us and so she did it or it’s just me blaming her. I am such a bad person. I know it’s not her fault and it just happens. I just wished that she considered my feelings. What do I know? Maybe she forgot? AAHHHH!!! I do not know anymore what to think.

Honestly I am afraid. What if circumstances gave me a chance to get closer to you and maybe gave me a chance to be with you? If that happens I would be torn in two. If I would be selfish I would grab it. I’ve been waiting long enough for those chances and I do not want to be in the moment when I regret not taking those chances. On the other hand I do not want to be inconsiderate of Jiwon’s feelings. That might cause not only my friendship with her but also with the others and I would not want that.

I always hope that someone would come into Jiwon’s life to make her happy and prayed that it was not you. I know, I know it’s very selfish but it’s better than competing with her. Just kidding, I do not even know if it will happen but I hope it would, even if I would go crazy to decide. I just want to experience that moment when you know someone very important to you also cares for you. I just hope that when that happens, Jiwon would be happy with someone else also.

Shinhye,

October 4, 2014

1:19 pm