Yifan Oppa,

I am such an impulsive girl. When I my feelings are all over the place I do not think first before I act. Iam so disappointed in myself today. I promised myself to wait and not to do the exact same thing yet I did it anyway. I feel so weak and so pathetic. I was doing well holding back and just in a split second I lost it.

I was so scared of something I don’t even know if I should be scared about. Just the sight of you and Stephanie in one place drive me nuts. It’s been a long time since I saw you two together and I was just surprised so surprised I got to do crazy things. I just thought that may be at that time you were starting to take interest in me. Unfortunately I am still the delusional girl hoping that one day you would notice me.

 You haven’t had interactions with her in SNS for a long time. You did not even like any of her posts these past few weeks even though you have been active in SNS. She had been posting a lot and I was relieved that I don’t see your name appearing as one of the many who likes anything she posts unlike before when you always do. Surely when I checked a while ago the recent photo she posted, I was still hoping I won’t see your name on the list, I did see your name. I was so sad but I knew it.

 I know you like her a lot. She’s the typical lovely girl who everyone loves. She’s really pretty with her milky white porcelain skin, has a very nice bright smile with her small cherry lips, long beautiful hair; just like one of the manga leading ladies coming out to life. What can I do? You love manga so much and that had a big influence of you liking her.

Now I wish that something would happen; anything to distract me from punishing myself into getting to something that might just drive me even crazier than what is happening now. Yes, honestly I was hoping Sehun oppa would talk to me right now. I would love to talk to him about anything just to keep my thoughts away from this mess but unfortunately he’s not reaching out to me at the moment. I don’t want to bother. I’ve been the one opening up to him for the last two interactions and I was hoping he would start it the next time. I know he will be very accommodating but I just for him this time to reach out. In that case I wouldn’t worry about him being bothered unlike when I start the conversation. I also told him last time that if he needed someone to talk to when no one seemed like to, he’s really welcome to do so.

With what I have done many will react and I know it will be difficult for me for the next days. Krystal and the others will tease me and ask why I did it. I am also worried of what Jiwon would think and what would Krystal think also with our other friends who knew about it. I just hope no one would assume things that might cause misunderstandings.

I am planning on stopping doing anything just to see you. Even though it would kill me not to see you for this case I would rather die than facing you. I am so embarrassed right now I do not even know how I should face you. I don’t know if I am making a big deal out of it but I am just really scared of many things.

By this time, the higher power answered my prayers. My sister just called about how bad she felt with what’s happening at their place. I think she’s really having a hard time considering it’s her first time being away from home for a long period of time and some of her friends are having some troubles so I usually do not use my five minute call to anyone unless it is an emergency but I think it’s very urgent for her to venture out her frustrations so I did. she also kept me distracted away from what I am going through so I am thankful for that I hope that I did help her too.  

What was sad about it is she and her boyfriend is also having a hard time. It’s a different environment from here and I think that all of them have their own coping mechanism and their differences are challenging them at the moment. I really like her boyfriend because he’s the younger brother of someone I know. I think that they suit each other well though at time I find their relationship very weird yet they manage to stay long enough taking into consideration my sister’s personality sometimes is not that pleasant. I would them to work it out for there are not many guys who will be very understanding of my sister’s way of thinking and he’s someone I know.

Yes, she’s younger and she had a boyfriend before I did. She’s really pretty even though she doesn’t have the milky white porcelain skin. Many said she resembles Taylor Swift in some aspects but with a darker skin tone. Her boyfriend on the other hand is also good looking. They were the IT couple in their high school days and the also were crowned as the Prince and Princess during their prom in their third year of high school.

I am very envious of her because she got to experience young love. I know that there are many reservations regarding experiencing young love. For me I think there is a need for it at times. Young love is very different unlike entering a relationship maturely. I would like to experience the innocence and passion of young love; it’s very nostalgic as well. I would like to have my first love be as nostalgic as young love if it would be possible.

Though I might not have the passion and innocence of the youth I wanted to be my first as special as I imagined it to be or even more. Anyone would want that and I hope that I would shre it with you. I just need to stop messing everything up.

Shinhye

September 28, 2014

11:01pm