I never intended for this to be written but somehow, when it comes to crackfics, I just can't let my fingers stay still on the keyboard... thank you to everyone who subscribed though! I didn't think anyone would be interested in my idiot idea.

Two years ago, Kim Joonmyeon decided he wanted to start up a new newspaper. He got his best friend Kris along, and they started publishing from the basement of a building in the middle of Seoul. It was a rather small paper, but it grew unexpectedly fast and soon Joonmyeon realized he had to hire new employees. Kris, being responsible for the budget of the newspaper eventually came to hire ten people who were willing to work for minimum wage, because obviously he wasn’t hiring some professional journalists who knew how much they should be paid. Then again he also kept his ten employees as unpaid interns for a year but that’s another story.

It took exactly four minutes from they moved into new locals from their old ones, until someone ended up in trouble.

“JOONMYEON, HELP MEEE!” someone screamed from inside the soon-to-be office. Joonmyeon, holding the position as editor-in-chief, quickly dropped what he was doing and went to check what had happened. If they had to pay one more hospital-bill this month, Kris was going to go crazy.

But as soon as he arrived, his face went from worried to expressionless in half a second.

The news reporter, Byun Baekhyun, was being strangled by a rather irritated Do Kyungsoo, the one responsible for the newspaper’s opinions-page.

“Joonmyeon!” Baekhyun exclaimed, currently standing in what seemed like an uncomfortable position. Kyungsoo had an arm around his throat, looking down on him evilly.

Joonmyeon sighed. “Baekhyun, what did you do this time?”

“I don’t even know!” Baekhyun replied on the verge of breakdown. “Not this time!”

Joonmyeon realized he wouldn’t get anything out of Baekhyun today, and turned to Kyungsoo instead. He didn’t even ask – he just raised an eyebrow as a question.

Kyungsoo shrugged. “He exists.”

Joonmyeon nodded slowly. “Understandable. Just try not to hurt him too much, okay? Kris will start to cry if we get one more bill from the hospital this month, and we still have fifteen days to go until it’s March.” Kyungsoo gave him a thumbs-up and grinned, something that reassured Joonmyeon enough to walk past, believing he had saved another situation.

Just as he was past Baekhyun and Kyungsoo, he heard someone talk loudly in the other end of the room. “No, we can’t publish a picture of your goat on the front page because it is its birthday!” It was Kim Jongdae, the one responsible for Customer Service. That meant he had to handle all the people calling in, some of them who tended to be stupider that others. “Why, you ask? We don’t do goat stories! Well, unless you pay me – oh, two hundred thousand won. What – I’m sorry, but how big do you think the goat-loving population of this country is?! Yes, I understand. We’ll try to publish your goat with a colour-spread next week. Thank you, bye.”

Joonmyeon sent him a questioning look, to which Jongdae furred his eyebrows and shrugged. “What? We’re not going to publish it.”

Joonmyeon decided this was fairly reasonable and moved on. He didn’t search for long before he stopped again. The sports reporter, Luhan, was reading something out loud, and the other sports reporter, Minseok, was listening to it with a questionable look. Well, Minseok was written up as a sports reporter, but everyone (but Luhan) knew Joonmyeon had placed him there so he could edit Luhan’s articles so they were suitable for people under eighteen. He was the only one Luhan listened to as well, so to keep him from burning the place down after his favourite football-team lost, Minseok needed to be there.

As soon as Luhan saw Joonmyeon, he waved him over. It was clearly that the two sports reporters were disagreeing over something, and Joonmyeon didn’t really know if he wanted to get into it.

“Okay, listen to this. I even censored myself for this article,” Luhan said, pointing at the paper he held in his hand, obviously his new proposal for the sports page. He cleared his throat once, and read the article over from the start again.

“So as I expect everyone to know, Premier League in the UK just started. Also, as everyone must know by now, Manchester United is the goddamn best. BUT WHAT THE  UNITED, you are listing on 9th right now! ing Tottenham is over you! YOU ARE A ING DISGRACE TO THE FOOTBALL WORLD. You may as well be in Alaska! You know, this is all because Sir Alex Ferguson left. You shouldn't have let him you ball-kicking rabbits.” Luhan read it like he really meant it, and right now he was just starting to get into it. “YOU ARE ING MANCHESTER UNITED YOU CAN'T STAY IN THE MIDDLE YOU ASSHATS. Like five years ago no one could beat you and now you're not even in the top three. You know what I call that? Laziness, faces. I swear, if you don't start winning a little I will kill you in your sleep. You've already lost one game, and ended two of them with a tie. Just yesterday Aston Villa ran over Liverpool and you sit at home, brushing your baby dolls and complaining about your mother's burnt cooking. BE HAPPY YOU HAVE A ING MOTHER.” He was really getting fired up now, waving his hands around, starting to jump a little. He had really beautiful features – no one could say anything on that – but he also had a default ugly face that came out whenever he got angry, sad or just any kind of upset. Like now.

“Minseok by the way told me this was supposed to an article on the start Premier League. Uh duh Manchester United is the essence of that thing. Even my dead grandma could play better than that. Ever heard about following the black and white round thing while on the court? I'll give you this advice: that's the thing you are supposed to follow. ing Manchester United.” By the end, he had climbed up on a chair and was reading in a loud voice, loud enough for even Jongdae to ask him to keep quiet. And Jongdae used most of his time screaming at random people over the phone, be it readers or telemarketers.

After he was done reading, Minseok sent Joonmyeon a look that clearly said ‘you see what I mean?’ to which Joonmyeon could only nod.

“Uhh, Luhan?” he said in a cautious tone, careful not to make the already fired up Luhan even angrier. Usually, Luhan could behave (well, if he was fed sedatives and Minseok was there, but it had to count for something?), but when it came to sports – and especially football – he was one raging ball of fury. It had long since become a routine that whenever Luhan’s football team lost, they locked him in the storage closet for the rest of that day.

Luhan’s head shot up from the paper, looking expectantly at Joonmyeon. “It was great, wasn’t it?”

“Uh, yeah. But you don’t think you could censor the language a little bit more? Also, articles are supposed to be written to be informative, not be… taking sides.”

Luhan frowned. “But I already censored myself! No more than one swear word per senctence!” he complained.

Joonmyeon sighed. “Then more, okay? We can’t keep marking the sports pages as explicit forever, you know.”

The calm in Luhan’s eyes was way too well known, and both of the ones in the argument with him understood that he would throw an incredible tantrum in seconds. Minseok quickly pushed Joonmyeon away, and dragged Luhan with him to the storage closet.

It had been ten minutes, and Joonmyeon had still half his staff to go through. He sighed. This was going to be a long day.

you can watch the full article by Luhan here, though it's a rather questionable one.