Pain. Pain.

Searing through his chest. Not alike the acute pain of a surface wounds or that if a heartbreak. But one of constriction, tight and gripping. It wounds its grasp around Kyungsoo's chest, suffocating him. At the same time inducing the adrenaline to pump through his system. Kyungsoo's frame shuddered as he gasp for air, eyes squeezed shut but the tears still escaping. He was curled in his bed, body in the fetal position. The blankets were a mess, trapped between his legs, weaving around him, suffocating. The pillows were strewn everywhere, swiped away as Kyungsoo twist and turn, willing the pain to go yet stay.

It was like a ghost hiding in the shadows of Kyungsoo's mind, waiting or the right moment to be unleashed, free of boundaries. Its slow and calculative, not compulsive. It creeps on Kyungsoo at a trot, head held high as it seeps the power out of him.

He was sticky and dirty with mud trailing down his arms. The boot camp he was attending was compulsory for all grade male students. It was like a rite of passage for them to transition into manhood while the females get sent to some luxury place elsewhere. There are females that opted to join the males, wanting to protest against this obvious gender stereotype. They were not doing a good job seeing as how they are complaining endlessly.

The activity that left Kyungsoo feeling disgusting was a wrestling match in the mud. For whatever purpose he does not know. He had stepped into the ring only to get thrown around by his classmate Huang ZiTao. The luck of his to get a black belt as his opponent.

The toilet was located only a few shrubs away from his cabin much to Kyungsoo's delight. It was currently empty since it was still not break yet. Kyungsoo couldn't take the icky feeling so he had sneaked away to take a quick shower. The icy cold water was like a jolt of electricity, causing the goose bumps to appear on Kyungsoo's skin instantaneously. His rigid fingers hurried to wash himself, teeth chattering constantly. Just as he was about to reach for the soap, Dove body wash with pomegranate scent, he heard a click.

The toilet was empty and no one should be entering the shower stalls. What was that click? Kyungsoo glanced around and between the door and the wall the was a block of silver that was not.suppose to be there. Squinting a little, Kyungsoo saw the tell-tale black circle of the camera lens of an iPod.

Someone was filming him.

Its as if the world was watching him at the moment. Kyungsoo did not know what to do. The fear was sudden, like a vice around his neck. His dignity and rights, gone in a flash. Should he scream? No one would come for him. Someone would see the video. Should he confront the person standing outside, hidden in a corner with a camera tucked between the doors? No. Kyungsoo was too afraid. He didn't think he could hold himself together to face the culprit.Kyungsoo hurried up. Not even bothering to wash with soap he avoided looking at the door as he dried himself and put on his clothes. Right before his hand reached the door lock the silver disappeared. When he opened the door all he saw was the back of a dark green shirt leaving.

Memories. Memories that probe at the wound. Memories that remind him there's nobody he can trust. Memories that remind him that the happiness people spent their whole life looking for was a lie. Countless betrayal from his friends and family. Nobody. He can trust nobody.

Happiness is uncertain. Happiness is sporadic. Feeling happy when you receive a gift, when the weather is nice, when a stranger does something kind. They occur at random times of the day. It may happen, it may not. Its all uncertain and its nothing you can rely on. Fear, betrayal abandonment. Those are constants in Kyungsoo's life. Never-ending moments of disappointment the leaves him hanging, drowning. Those Kyungsoo thinks, are certain. They have happen and they will happen and somehow, Kyungsoo has became accustomed to them.

At dinner Kyungsoo was a dazed, in shock by that accident. The mulch sitting in the bowl was anything but appetizing. He looked up to see a guy wearing a dark green shirt sit in front of him.

That guy was Kim Jongin.

The room was quiet with the exception of the wrecked sobbing in the corner of the room. The thoughts that ran through his head were the exact same ones that were running through his head that fateful day after he discovered Jongin was the offender. In the corner of the room in the cabin. In the corner of the room of his studio apartment. The same hot tears that tracked down his face. The same excruciating ache of betrayal the plague his heart. Fingers threaded through his hair as he yanked at it hard, willing the pain to go away. His head burned from the crying and exertion.

Frayed ends of imperfection Kyungsoo has tried his best to tame and preen. Maybe if he was better if he was nicer, more perfect no one would leave him. No one would betray him. No one would do things that hurt him. So he kept hush about the incident. Pretended like he did not know about it, was not aware of such actions. He talked to Jongin smiled at Jongin like camp never happen. But anyone could tell that there was something missing, that something change within Kyungsoo.

Looking out the window at the falling snow, Kyungsoo wonders if he will ever get hope back.

The soft click of the door signalled the entry of Kris, gentle steps making their way up the steps. Kyungsoo paid no heed and continues to stare out the window. Snowflakes are cold, they take a bite out of you and melt, escaping as a silver of water. But they are pretty, really pretty. Unique. He could see Kris looking at him from his periphery, lips moving, hands gesturing. But thats all he registers. He brings his legs closer to himself and hugs his knees to his chest. He laid his head on his knees, gaze never leaving the window. Kris will go after a while. If he does not respond, Kris will leave.

Kyungsoo does not register the warm blanket the enveloped his body. Nor did he register the body of warmth that sat beside him till next morning.

Everyone leaves anyway.

Kyungsoo has a best friend and Kris made use of that information. After much tedious digging, he managed to get hold of Baekhyun’s number and arrange a meeting. Which was why he was currently staring at a mousy young man with a tattered cardigan, splotches of paint decorating it.

A soy latte and iced Americano sat between them, warm steam wafting up through cool air. The snow was light, dancing to a merry tune outside the window. It was late afternoon, streets busy with people making their way home from work. Rushing, rushing. A jingle, along with a gush of cool wind, resounded across the cafe occasionally, signalling the entry or exit of another patron.

“Kyungsoo did not use to be so detached. He was happy, or so I thought he was, before Kim Jongin.” Baekhyun sunk into the cushioned seat, legs crossed in an Indian style. Baekhyun looked forlorn. The topic at hand is sensitive and it is bringing out memories Baekhyun is uncomfortable with.

“What exactly happened?” Kris, on the other hand, was all prim and proper, back impeccably straight as he listen to Baekhyun speak.

“Summer of 2007, 2 days into the boot camp. That was the day Kyungsoo changed. He became detached, unresponsive. It’s like he flushed his emotions down the drain in a night. You have no idea how shock I was the next morning. His eyes change and I hadn’t got a clue what happened. He walked right past me at the dining hall and i’m usually the second person he greets, right after Jongin. What was even more astounding was that Kyungsoo didn’t say anything to Jongin too! He was fine a day later but I am quite sure that Kyungsoo was different. Same yet different.” Baekhyun face was animate, despite the seriousness of the conversation. He struck Kris as eccentric.

“Did you talk to Jongin about it? Perhaps he knew something.”

“Yeah I did. He didn’t know anything.” That was weird, Kris thought. Jongin was closest to Kyungsoo at that period of time, but he did not know anything.

“Well Baekhyun, thank you for your time. I’m sorry for calling you out so abruptly. Next time I’ll be sure to ask Kyungsoo along.” Kris stood up hand out stretch for a handshake, a kind grin on his face.

“You’re welcome! You can call me if you anything you need to know. I’ll try my best to help you. Tell Kyungsoo I miss him and I know its not really in my place to say this but thank you, for fixing him.” Baekhyun stood up to reciprocate the handshake. His head only reached up to Kris’s chin and Kris had to make an effort to look down. Baekhyun’s hand was rough, calloused. Probably for the great amount of time he spent painting.

Kris departed after, Baekhyun preferring to stay in the cafe to finish his drink. He felt a need to check on Kyungsoo so that was where he went.

“Have you ever felt lonely, like there’s a hole in you that you can’t fill and it’s just so empty, void of anything?”

“No. I’m not like you. I have friends, family and I don’t feel lonely. I’m not like you so I don’t feel lonely.”