The bile was at his throat but Kyungsoo tried his best to swallow it down. He did something wrong. Its his fault he thinks. He shouldn't have said no, shouldn't have said what he wanted to say. He gagged and heaved as his stomach churned dangerously. He was light headed and dizzy and sitting down did not help.

He was eighteen when he last saw Jongin. They were close friends, closer than close. Jongin was interested in him, he could tell. From the continuous invitation to study together to the relatable nudge he gave Kyungsoo every time they met. Jongin was sending signals and Kyungsoo was getting them. Kyungsoo was thoroughly flattered. Jongin was quite popular in school, with his tanned skin and killer smile. He charmed the socks off most girls and guys. But more than that Jongin was someone Kyungsoo confided in, told all his secrets to and Kyungsoo really cherished him.

But Jongin let Kyungsoo down more than once. While Kyungsoo beck to Jongin's every call, it was not the same vice versa. Kyungsoo believed that everyone needed a supporter, someone that will always be there for you. He was willing to be Jongin's supporter but Jongin was not and he did not understand why. It's okay he told himself. Loyalty and friendship is being understanding even when you don't understand. So he swallowed the pain and continued to be Jongin's supporter.

When Kyungsoo had been revoked from being the emcee of Jongin's dance concert because he was in the competition team, he was utterly devastated. Jongin was the one who personally requested for Kyungsoo to be the emcee and Kyungsoo had to fight tooth and nail with the other speakers to get the job. Getting revoked because he was on the competition team did not make sense to him at all. He was angry and upset. So he talked to Jongin, told him he was upset.

When Jongin asked him if he was okay Kyungsoo replied that he was not but he would be. What he needed for Jongin to do was to be cheer him up, be upset with him and be at his side, tell him that everything will be alright. Instead Jongin ignored him for the next two days and Kyungsoo wondered, maybe Jongin was afraid? Maybe Jongin did not know how to comfort someone sad. Maybe he should not have said that he was not okay. That must have scared him off.

The next time Jongin talked to him it was after Kyungsoo had received the call that he was to be emcee again. It was only after Kyungsoo begged the head of the club to talk to the teacher-in-charge did he manage to get the job back. Life went on as per normal after that. Kyungsoo was there when Jongin was a nervous wreck before his solo dance. He was there during rehearsals, giving him tips on stage presence and more. He was there when one of Jongin's other best friend decided not to turn up for his concert and Jongin was upset. He was always there.

The next time they had a fall out was a few weeks before finals. They were planning for a post finals holiday. Jongin wanted to go trekking in Borneo, Malaysia but the guided tour was expensive and the whole trip would have mounted up to about a thousand dollars. Kyungsoo did not have that money and his personal saving was only a little over half a thousand. Kyungsoo was already saving up to buy a laptop that he would need during college and he did not want to ruin that plan.

He told Jongin about it and Jongin was anything but understanding. He tried continuously to persuade Kyungsoo to go, adding fuel to the fire that was Kyungsoo's guilt. It was tough enough that he had to forego the trip but it was even tougher that he had to say no to Jongin. Jongin knew that and he was relentless. Finally when Jongin has had enough, he told Kyungsoo to forget about it, to forget about going on a trip together.

Kyungsoo had suggested plenty of alternatives that were cheaper and more worth their money but Jongin was unforgiving. Kyungsoo even apologized to Jongin, though he did not feel like he was in the wrong. Jongin refused to reply him even then. Kyungsoo knew that Jongin was giving him a hard time because he could and Kyungsoo could not understand why someone, anyone would do that. Why? Why would you want to hurt someone intentionally?

Whatever the reason was, it was unforgivable. Kyungsoo did the only thing he felt was right. That was to retract from Jongin. He stayed away from him because he felt that the only thing Jongin did nowadays was to hurt him so it made sense to stay away. Even after that, Kyungsoo still blamed himself. Maybe he should not have said no. Maybe if he did not say anything, everything would have been alright.

They did not talk after that and it was not surprising. Because it was always Kyungsoo that initiated conversations, made an effort to ask him out. Kyungsoo still have Jongin's number saved in his phone but he never did press it. Its not worth it he told himself.

The whole tidal storm of memories was dizzying. It opened wounds Kyungsoo thought he has healed.

"Kyungsoo are you okay? Do you need anything?" Jongin's voice was light, caring even. Kyungsoo's stomach lurched.

"Give him some space. Let him breathe. He must eaten something wrong for lunch." Kris tried his best to disperse the crowd that has gathered around Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo pallor was ash grey and his hand was clenched into a tight fist. There was a sheen of sweat that coated his face. When Kyungsoo gagged again Kris decided that it was time to go.

"Sorry guys, Kyungsoo is not feeling well. I think I should take him home. I'm sorry for leaving so abruptly."

"I have a car. Do you need a ride?" Jongin stepped forward, hands gentle on Kyungsoo's arm. Kyungsoo entire body tensed at the touch, eyes squeezed shut. It did not escape Kris's eyes.

"No it's okay I have a car too. Just stay and enjoy the party. Come on Kyungsoo, let's go." Kris pulled Kyungsoo up lightly and was glad that Kyungsoo could still carry his own weight. Kyungsoo bowed ninety degrees to his friends, whispering a small 'sorry' and offered a weak smile. His friends were understanding. shoo-ing him to go, to rest. All except Jongin who had a frown plastered on his face. The old yet familiar ache that felt was something Kyungsoo thinks he should not miss.

The car ride was quiet. Kyungsoo only broke the silence when they were a few blocks away from his house.

"What were you doing? The party haven't even started. You shouldn't have brought me home." Kyungsoo was looking out the window, eyes a glaze. At least his breathing was more relaxed now, Kris noted.

"You were about to be sick Kyungsoo. You needed to get away. You're not ready."

"When will I ever be ready?" Kris had no answer to that.

"Who was that guy? Why did you get so nervous when you saw him?" Kyungsoo sighed and looked down at his fingers. After a short pause he answered.

"His name is Kim Jongin. It's a long story." Kris reached Kyungsoo's house.

"Tell me tomorrow. Today, go home and rest. It's been a long day for you. Good night." Kris offered Kyungsoo a small smile but Kyungsoo just got out wordlessly and entered his apartment building. Kris sighed, dejected. Maybe he shouldn't have sent the confirmation letter.

"Have it ever occurred to you that he was playing with you?"

Kyungsoo was busy preparing for a meeting, hands in flurry as he gathered the necessary documents. The slight nod that he gave Kris was swift and short.

"Then why? Why did you still trust him for so long? Pined for him even though you knew he was not going to be yours?"

Kyungsoo sighed and answered: " I don't want to talk about this Kris. It's all in the past and I don't want to dwell in it. I don't even want to think about." He looked through the document he held is his hand, ensuring that whatever he needed was there.

"But I need to know Kyungsoo, so I can help you. Tell me Kyungsoo."

"I don't want to."

"Kyungsoo." Kris tone was steely and filled with authority, not that it scared Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo answered anyway.

"I-I thought that maybe it was my fault. That may be I wasn't doing something right. Maybe if I was a good boy, he wouldn't be so angry and treat me better for a change. That maybe if I tried a little harder he will change his mind, his heart and-"

"-fall in love with you?"

Kyungsoo hung his head and nodded in agreement.

"But it doesn't matter now. I knew better and I distanced myself from him Kris."

"Did it really work? Because from what I see he still has a tiny piece of your heart. He still has control over you."

Kyungsoo moved his head side-to-side fervently in denial. "That's not true."

"Then explain yesterday. Why did you panic when you saw him? You nearly had an anxiety attack for heaven's sake. You never really did let him go." Kris looked at Kyungsoo, daring Kyungsoo to tell him he was wrong.

"I don't want to talk about it Kris." Kyungsoo's voice was raised a notch, stressing out every word through gritted teeth.

"Fine. But you'll have to sooner or later."

Kyungsoo huffed irritably and stalked out the door.