Better writer? Where. Anyway. Since the poll's results are 6/9 in favor of me continuing like this (I checked the results till the last minute), that is what I shall do. Thank you for giving me an opinion ♥ Things might get a bit angsty for a while following the revelation, but once we're past that, things will pick up again.

(to get you in the right mood)

Enjoy!

I was stupefied. I had no idea for how long I had stayed cooped up in that tiny bathroom stall but my eyes were stinging and it was hard to keep them open — I was exhausted. The crying session had drained every ounce of my energy. I couldn't find the strength to move. I didn't even want to move, I had no will to.

I could hear my phone ring a few times, an insistent reminder trying to get me back to reality, but it sounded so distant that I barely even registered it. It was probably Jackson asking where I was. Or my mom, I really had no idea but there weren't a lot of options. Even Joonmyun had come knocking behind the door a couple of times, too, but I hadn’t answered his worried questions.

“Are you okay?”

Was I? Could I even be? Could anyone be when they were thrown in a situation like this, someone coming up and hitting you with a baseball bat while joyfully screaming 'surprise'? No, I was not okay. I didn’t feel okay. I was sure I wouldn’t be okay in a very long time either. How could I when I had a reminder growing every day inside of me?

I wasn’t sure how I got there in the end, but I stared at the front door of our house in a daze. My knees were weak and trembling and my sight was getting clouded with tears again. Just what I needed, more tears. Great. Just great.

I let out a bitter chuckle that sounded more like a strangled sob and turned my gaze to the sky. I did not want to start crying right now. Not now, not in front of my house, not when I still had to face my mom and… Jackson.

Oh my god.

Jackson.

Jackson was still inside, wasn’t he? He was still waiting for me to come back with the snacks. He had to be, it wasn’t like Jackson to just leave. I had told him I'd come back soon, but the situation had gotten a bit out of my hands. How late was it now even?

I took a shuddering breath and rubbed my face with a hand. I knew I had to pull myself together but it was easier said than done after this one hectic day. I blinked away the blurriness of my eyes and focused on the sky before I’d fall into panic. It seemed like I had taken a really long time, the sky was already darkening and I could feel the chilly air prickling my bare skin.

They must’ve been worried... Did Jackson call me? I couldn’t remember if it was just my ears ringing or was it really my phone signaling a call. I wasn’t even sure if I still had my phone with me. But it didn’t matter, I decided. Not now.

I took a few calming breaths and closed my eyes to really take in the outside air. It felt good to just breathe and think nothing, to just be. I started to calm down. After I deemed I felt okay enough to go, I opened my eyes and approached the door.

I could do this, I just had to trust myself.

With a shaky finger, I pressed the doorbell and waited. Every second felt like an hour and I was starting to turn into a nervous wreck again. Why did it take so long for someone to open the door?

I nervously shifted from one foot to another, glancing around in fear, afraid of people looking at me, judging me. It felt like with just one glance everyone would just know.

Know I was pregnant, that I was an irresponsible up that got herself pregnant before even graduating from high school, that I was someone kids shouldn’t hang around with because I was such a bad influence, a sinner that deserved to-

The door opened and it felt like my heart had stopped beating with it. My eyes briefly met my mom’s but I immediately looked away, burning with shame.

Was this how my mother raised me? Was this how I’d make her proud? I think not, I thought with a scoff inside my head.

“Jieun? Is everything all right? Why aren’t you coming in?”

It was suddenly hard to breathe. I my dry lower lip nervously and swept my sweaty hands on my clothes while trying to come up with anything to say. I gathered my courage and looked into her eyes again.

“M-mom,” I called. I could see she was getting really worried. She must have seen my puffy, red eyes, and the whole mess of a lot of reckless crying. “Mom,” I repeated as tears started to flow down my cheeks again. She raised a hand on my cheek, gently caressing it while wiping them away.

“What is it, sweetie?”

“Mom!” I cried and finally broke down. My legs gave up as I wailed. I could only wish my mom wouldn’t hate me. She sat down on the ground with me, hugging me tightly as she rocked my body back and forth to soothe me, her hand caressing my back. She even placed soft, little kisses on my temples every now and then in an attempt to calm me down, but I couldn't.

After a while, she tried asking me what’s wrong, what happened, but I couldn’t answer. I could only cry even more when I started wondering how I'd even start to explain all of this.

In the end, the exhaustion and the warmth of her body took over. The last thing I could remember of it was me crying on my mom’s arms before everything turned black.

I woke up groggy, head dizzy and heavy as everything that had just happened to me started dawning upon me. I couldn't even think properly when I opened my eyes, just staring at the ceiling from where I lied, eyes stinging. Was it really true? Had I not dreamt it? It made me anxious to just think yesterday through. God, was I really pregnant?

My head was starting to hurt from the cold, so I removed the wet cloth resting on my forehead, carelessly tossing it aside. My mom must've taken care of me after I passed out. She must've been worried sick, but at least she was sleeping now. I didn't see her inside my room at least.

Guilt traveled up my throat and I had to blink furiously to keep the tears at bay. Suddenly I was just so ashamed of myself for my mom. I was blessed to have someone as caring as her as my mother, I was aware of that, and I was extremely grateful for her existence. She had helped me through so many things I couldn't possibly have dealt with by myself. She did not deserve a shock like this. I cleared my constricting throat before throwing off the blankets and getting up.

I didn't want to see anyone right now. I didn't think I'd be ready for it. But I just couldn't stay still either. I packed my school bag, wondering what there was to say to anyone, to Jackson, mom, dad... What could I possibly say? The truth was the only option, but I didn't want to deal with all of this yet.

I sighed, ready to head out to clear my head a bit before school would start, but froze when I caught a sight of my reflection on the body length mirror in my room. As if in trance, I walked up to it, eyes locked on the specific area around my stomach. You couldn't see any difference through the clothes yet, but my mind kept screaming 'there's a baby inside of you, of course people will notice!'

I lifted the hem of my shirt and just blankly stared at my flat stomach. No abs. I’d have no loss there. But it didn't really matter now anyway. I'd rather worry about abs than this. Unconsciously, I started to gently rub my stomach, turning to my body in all angels to see it even better.

Did I really have another life living inside of me? I didn’t want to believe it. It felt too unreal. But I had to, didn’t I? Even if it would turn out not to be that, better prepared than not… right? But deep down I just knew, I just knew that it was true. I’d have to call a doctor to make sure because if I really was responsible for another life, I needed to know.

The whole idea was making me dizzy. I let my shirt fall back down as I backed up and sat on my bed. For a long time, I just sat there, staring at nothing, mind blank. I didn’t know what to do.

I knew I’d have to have a talk with my parents so that they could help me with the doctor’s appointment, and somehow explain how all of this happened, and perhaps get even more people into trouble with all this. But more than that, I wished they would just look past my mistakes and tell me it was going to be all right. That I shouldn't be afraid. I seriously needed some warm hugs right now. But what if they didn't take it that good? What if they got mad? I couldn’t even imagine them getting mad at me. I didn’t want them to, I didn’t want to disappoint them.

I wasn’t ready for this. Any of it.

Distressed, I took my bag and walked to the door of my room. I would go to school a little early today, so that I wouldn't have to face them yet. It wouldn't be a good distraction for that long, but I wanted to push the confrontation back even the slightest.

I wanted to run outside, too nervous to even breathe properly, but I knew I'd only end up waking everyone up, so I carefully tiptoed downstairs. Fortunately, it was still quiet, no one seemed to be awake yet. Maybe I did have a chance at sneaking out without being noticed.

I wasn't far from the door, just outside the living room when a sudden noise made me jump. I bit my lip as a string of curses almost left my mouth. Heart hammering in my chest, I walked inside the room and cautiously approached the sofa I suspected the sound had come from. I wasn't ready to meet anyone but I was ready to beat the crap out of a thief if it was necessary.

I peeked over the edge, the school bag in my hands, ready to swing it at pretty much anything that would move, but almost dropping it in relief as I finally saw who was making all that noise. Jackson. Snoring.

For goodness' sake, Jackson. Did you really have to give me a heart attack? He was always doing this to me, awake or not. Rolling my eyes I walked away, even more determined to get out of the apartment now.

In a way, it was good that he was still here and I was forced to see his face. It made me feel guilty for lying and worrying him and my parents, but the annoyance he had caused calmed the anxiousness inside me.

I felt more stable now as I stood in front of the door, ready to go, but my feet still stopped in place. I hesitated. It felt like the moment I'd step outside, my secret would be out and I'd no longer be able to live my life peacefully. But staying home till my mom would wake up felt even worse of an option. I wasn't ready to explain, and I couldn't even imagine the look in her eyes once she'd find out.

So, with a deep, shuddering breath, I took a better hold of my bag, and took off.