“I don't know what to say.”

(But I don't want to cry.)

SLEEPLESS NIGHT - CRUSH FT. PUNCH

‘… Why you never smile when you’re with me…?’

From: Sunbaenim

Are we fighting now?

The message was sent two days after the unanswered question, not long after Hayoung turned around the moment she saw Sehun and his friends walking to her direction in the school’s hallway.

And Hayoung left this question unanswered too.

***

“Junhong-ah,” Hayoung called out, finger tracing the row of comics in front of her. They’re in a comic store, dropping by on the way home because Junhong’s favourite series just released a new one. The boy was busy picking out more comics to buy beside Hayoung and he simply hummed. Hayoung glanced from the corner of her eyes, wanting to see  Junhong’s reaction. “… Do you think I don’t smile enough?”

This time, Junhong turned his head to her, staring with a frown between his eyes, confused. “What?”

Realizing the odd stare she received, Hayoung quickly explained her question, “I mean, I smile, right? It’s not like I don’t smile or anything…,” she mumbled the last part.

Junhong still furrowed his eyebrows, but slowly he returned his attention to the comics. “That’s a weird question, but… yeah? You do smile, just okay. Not as much as Sooyoung, clearly, but no one smiles as much as that girl,” he added, snorting, apparently the thought was funny to him. Sooyoung did have a cheerful expression all the time. Junhong grabbed a comic and carried it together with the ones he already picked. “Although…”

Hayoung looked at Junhong, waiting for the rest of the sentence.

“Sometimes you can a little bit…,” Junhong shrugged, “… distant? It’s like you’re not here. I don’t know what you feel or what you think. … It kind of makes me feel useless as your best friend.”

He tried to act nonchalant, but Hayoung knew Junhong enough to realize it bothered him. “Junhong,” she touched Junhong’s arm. “I—”

“Crap, I didn’t mean to sound so whiny,” Junhong moved away from Hayoung’s touch, covering his flustered face. “Forget it.” He cleared his throat, and quickly changed the topic. “Anyway, why did you ask? Did someone say you don’t smile enough?”

“No,” Hayoung answered, shaking her head even as Sehun’s eyes, staring into her soul, came to mind. “Just asking…”

Junhong nodded, didn’t pursue the matter any longer, and he turned around to pay for his comics – the embarrassment after his confession still followed.

It wasn’t too far from the comic store when Hayoung tugged on Junhong’s sleeve, pointing at a doughnut store ahead. It’s easy getting Junhong for buying her a chocolate filled doughnut, and Hayoung was chewing her share, Junhong pushing his bicycle beside her, when Junhong nudged her.

“Hey, isn’t that Kim Jongin?”

It took a good couple of seconds before Hayoung’s eyes found the said senior on the sideway across the road. Jongin was still in his uniform’s slacks, but he already took off his tie and blazer, wearing a jacket instead over his untucked shirt. Although his hair was a mess, he looked simply attractive with a boyish charm with his over-all appearance. His arm was wrapped around a girl’s shoulder, too close at his side to be considered as a mere friend. The girl was extremely pretty, even from afar Hayoung could tell, and she didn’t look like a student with the make-up on her face. But then again, she didn’t wear a uniform – she wore casual attire, a blouse with skinny jeans and ankle boots.

“I thought you said he doesn’t have a girlfriend?” Junhong asked out loud the question hanging on Hayoung’s mind. He turned to look at Hayoung.

Again, Sehun intruded her mind. “Jongin is single by status, though it’s debatable.”

 “I don’t know, maybe I was wrong.” She bit her doughnut without any more word, but as Hayoung knew Junhong enough to read his body language, so did Junhong, and he caught her intention to leave the matter there.

Junhong nodded, pushing his bike back.

***

Sehun walked in into his apartment, his friends following right behind. Hyeri went to the kitchen, rummaging through Sehun’s fridge for something to drink. Jongin dropped his bag on the floor before he flopped down on the couch, while Sehun went in to his room first to change clothes.

“Hyeri, get me one!” Jongin said from the couch, turning the TV on, and even though Hyeri narrowed her eyes at him for the command, still she brought him a glass of orange juice. Jongin grinned and said his thank but Hyeri simply rolled her eyes, directing her attention to Naeun at the kitchen island.

The quiet girl already took out her books from her bag, now reading line after line on her notes with utmost concentration. Hyeri raised her eyebrows. “Naeun-ah, what are you doing?” she came to her side and offered Naeun her own glass.

Naeun shook her head. “There’s something that I don’t understand earlier… I’m just reviewing.”

Hyeri sat down next to Naeun, and she leaned onto Naeun’s upper arm. “Hmm… Teach me later.” It must be uncomfortable for Naeun to have the weight of Hyeri’s head on her side, but she just nodded, letting Hyeri did whatever she wanted to do.

“Don’t bother her, Lee!” Jongin shouted.

Right after that Sehun came out from his room, patting Jongin’s head with a book, saying, “You should review today’s lesson too, Jongin-ah, you slept over two periods,” and dropped the book on the couch beside Jongin before going to the kitchen for a glass of water. Hyeri laughed from her place, pointing at Jongin.

Grabbing the book – it was Sehun’s notes – and opening it at a random page, Jongin scoffed at Hyeri, “You skipped class, you have no right to laugh at me.”

Hyeri stuck out her tongue and ignored the boy, straightening her pose to look at Sehun. “Hun-ah, where’s Hayoungie?” She could feel Naeun tensed at her question, but Hyeri ignored her too. “You didn’t talk about her for days, and I never see her during lunch either.” She frowned when Sehun just stood on his place, sipping his water with a poker-face. “… What did you do this time?”

“… What?” Sehun raised his eyebrows, looking back and forth from Hyeri to Jongin, both were staring at him. He put his glass down on the kitchen counter, “I didn’t do anything.”

“Maybe that’s the problem, maybe you should do something!” Hyeri shouted to Sehun’s back since the boy retreated to his room. “Yah Oh Sehun!”

“… I think it’s better this way,” Naeun suddenly said in a whisper, but her friends heard it. The girl kept her eyes down to her book. “… Just us. Just like before.”

Hyeri was about to open , but Naeun’s phone rang at the same time, cutting her off. Even though it’s hard to tell, but Naeun’s eyes lightened a little bit reading the name on the screen. She grabbed her phone and walked to the guest room to have some privacy, oblivious to the resentment on Hyeri’s face, or how Jongin’s eyes chased her even after she closed the door.

It was Hyeri who noticed. “You’re pathetic,” she said, approaching the boy.

“Yeah…,” Jongin dragged his words, peeling his eyes away from the guest room’s door to look at Hyeri. “Tell that to yourself.”

“Touché,” Hyeri mumbled, sitting beside Jongin. “But really, what’s her problem with Hayoung? Hayoung is a real angel, I tell you. If it was me who found you beaten, I’d kick your balls and said you deserved it for seducing people’s girlfriends,” Jongin snickered at this, “and if I saw a problematic senior being a drunk at night, I’d take a picture and spread it.”

“Don’t say it like that,” Jongin turned serious as he spoke quietly, brushing Hyeri’s fringe away to make her look at him. “And. Hayoung did help us, but she is kind of Naeun’s problem, isn’t she. Of course Naeun will be wary of her.”

“I guess…,” Hyeri grumbled, grudgingly admitting Jongin’s point. “But it’s still nice to have Hayoung around, don’t you think? Naeun really needs other friends than us. What she’s going to do when we graduate? Don’t tell me you’re taking the same course as her.” Jongin just shrugged, a sign that he didn’t want to talk about it. Hyeri continued, glancing to Sehun’s room before she lowered her voice, “And Sehun...”

This time, Jongin thought about it for a while, lowering his voice as well. “… I can see where you’re going with this and I can’t say I haven’t thought about it before, but…”

 “It’s been more than a year,” Hyeri scowled. “I know that still tries to contact Sehun sometimes.”

Jongin winced, grimacing. “I get it. But what makes you think Hayoung will be interested in Sehun?”

“Are you kidding me? Have you look at our best friend? And he’s such a great guy too. Who wouldn’t be interested in him?”

“Hey, she can be interested in me.”

Hyeri smacked Jongin’s arm. “I won’t say things so recklessly if I don’t have anything to back it up.” Ignoring Jongin’s mutter of ‘Are you sure’, Hyeri shifted closer to him. “You know I’ve been hanging out with the first years because of Hayoung?”

“Yeah, you’re playing the nice senior card. They fall for your tricks?”

Ignoring Jongin’s mock, Hyeri kept on talking, “And you know how usually they always choose between you and Sehun for their favourite senior?” Jongin nodded, because he did know. It’s the same case with Naeun and Hyeri, even his friends liked to pick between the two. “So I ask Hayoung’s friends, and, guess who Hayoung chose.”

Jongin cocked an eyebrow. “If she’s pretending Sehun is her cousin, it’s natural if she chose him—”

“Na-ah,” Hyeri grinned, shaking her finger. “That’s what her friends think too after they know Sehun is Hayoung’s cousin, of course Hayoung would choose her sibling. But, Hayoung chose Sehun before she met us.”

***

It’s already past ten and usually Hayoung’s phone never rang after ten, so Hayoung didn’t remember to silence it. It rang loud and clear in the middle of the movie – it’s a good thing the studio was near to empty since it’s an old movie they played – still Hayoung bowed to the audience before she walked out. She had seen the movie before, it’s not like she’s missing a lot.

She only read the caller’s name when she’s already outside, and she was half-expecting Sehun to be the one who called, that’s why it surprised her when Monggu’s Appa was the name flashing on her phone’s screen. Monggu was Jongin’s dog, the oldest one, and Jongin had proposed the name Monggu’s Appa when Hayoung said her friends liked to search Sehun’s and Jongin’s number on her phone.

After tapping the answer button, Hayoung placed the phone beside her ear. “Hello, Sunbae?”

“Hoobae,” Jongin’s voice was carried through the line, “Where are you? You’re not in your usual diner.”

“Uh? I’m…,” Hayoung looked around her first, not really sure she wanted to tell Jongin where she was at. She sighed in the end, mentioning her location – on a small cinema in a random neighborhood.

“What? Are you watching a movie? You’re with your friends?”

 “… No. I’m by myself.”

Jongin chuckled, and his laugh sounded fruity – light and cheerful. “Will it be okay if we meet? Right now? There’s a park one stop from your house, want to meet me there? Or your movie is more interesting,” he laughed again, teasing.

No, anything was more interesting than the movie, actually, and Hayoung agreed to meet the senior at the park. She knew the park, there was a time she often visited it when she was a kid, but it’s been a while since she last came to the place. There’s a basketball court at the park, and when Hayoung was on the bus, Jongin had texted her to say that he’s already there.

Jongin was dribbling the ball alone by himself when Hayoung came, his bag lying near the ring. He shot a three point and smiled triumphantly at the girl. “Hoobae!” he greeted her with a radiant smile. “Can you play?”

Hayoung picked up the ball, trying to dribble it. “A little bit? I’m not really good at sport...,” she paused. “… I’m not really good at anything,” Hayoung added with a frown.

Jongin laughed again, making Hayoung look up to him. His face was a little too red. She wondered if he had a drink.

“Everyone is good at something, maybe you just need more time and explore more things to find your call.” Jongin nodded at the basketball’s ring, encouraging Hayoung to shoot. She complied, and missed it.

They played for a bit, Jongin with his laugh and Hayoung with her A+ effort and C result. In the end Jongin took out two cans of drink from his bag and plopped down to the ground, patting the empty spot next to her for Hayoung to join. He opened one can and gave it to her.

“Thank you, Sunbaenim.” But Jongin hadn’t finished yet, as he pulled out a sweater and placed it on Hayoung’s lap to cover her leg and gave her warmth on the chilly night – there’s a strong woman’s perfume from it. Hayoung bowed again in gratitude.

For a while, they did just that, sitting side by side, sipping their drinks while looking at nothing in particular. Jongin finished his drink first, and he threw the can to the trash bin a bit far away from them like he would do a ball. It went straight in, and Hayoung unconsciously said, “Woaa, so cool.”

Her admiration boosted up Jongin’s pride. “Want me to do yours too?” he offered, and Hayoung finished her drink so she could see Jongin’s demonstration once again. He succeeded and grinned to Hayoung. “Come to my next match. I’ll do better than that.”

Hayoung nodded, because her friends had talked about the upcoming basketball match with a neighborhood school.

Twirling the ball in his hand with his index finger, Jongin asked out of the blue. “Is there something happened between you and Sehun?” He glanced to a startled Hayoung and smiled a little. “Hyeri is bugging Sehun about it, and he won’t say anything.”

She shrugged, playing with the sleeves of Jongin’s sweater on her lap. “… Just… because*.”

Jongin chuckled. “Ah, you’re cute. Hmm, I think Sehun is worried about you, but he knows you don’t want to see him. He’s the one who told me about your habit hanging out late at the diner. He always treats the girls like they’re a princess. It makes Hyeri even more spoiled, really,” he scrunched up his nose. 

“Sehun Sunbae…,” Hayoung thought Sehun’s name tasted weird on her tongue, “… He also takes care of you, Sunbaenim.”

“… That’s true,” Jongin mumbled, looking down to the cemented ground. “… Sometimes he’s so nice it’s frustrating.”

Hayoung glanced at Jongin – something about his tone when he said that Sehun was nice…

Jongin turned to look at her, startling her. “Do you know how we met? Have Sehun ever told you?”

“Umm… Sehun Sunbae only said that… he and Hyeri Unnie were friends in middle school, Hyeri Unnie and you were classmates during the first year, and then Naeun Sunbaenim is your childhood friend?”

“Well… That’s true too, I guess…,” he said absent-mindedly. “Oh, I think I still have some cookies,” he rummaged through his bag for a while before bringing out a wrapped cookies – they looked like they’re homemade. Jongin put the cookies between them, also putting down a bottle of water. “Sorry, we have to share this one,” he told her, opening the wrapper and picking a heart-shaped cookie. He ate it and hummed in appreciation. “… Hyeri got in a big trouble on our first year,” Jongin told her out of nowhere, and Hayoung realized he’s going to tell her about how they became friends. “It was a very serious problem, enough to get her expelled. We’re already good friends, Hyeri is cool, and she acts tough but she’s really a tender hearted girl. And I, huh, I never think before I do something, so I lied to the teachers to save her .”

Jongin cleaned the crumbs from his fingers before he picked another cookie. “But the thing was, I’m not exactly a model-student, I often got into fights even since middle school. And Hyeri too, with her attitude… Eh, you know how she is. Basically, the teachers didn’t believe us, so they called Sehun. … Like you said before, he knew Hyeri because they went to the same middle school, but he didn’t personally know me. And from Hyeri’s words, they weren’t exactly buddies either, they just knew each other.” Jongin paused his story to drink. “… But, even if he’s not our friends, he helped us, he lied to the teachers and to his father, for us. And that’s the first.”

“Hyeri cried like a baby, hugging him, and Sehun just laughed, patting her back like this,” Jongin demonstrated the move to the empty air in front of him. “And like that, we became friends. Naeun already befriended Sehun before through… some acquaintances, and it’s weird but we just clicked. Back then, Sehun was… Ah, he’s a really bright kid. Sehun covered for me a lot of times too, there was a time I couldn’t play in the team because I got into fight, and Sehun helped me with it. … I really like him, and I really like being his friend,” he added quietly in the end. “… But then I did something terrible to him.”

“… It’s better if he was mad at me, I wouldn’t mind, because I deserved it. But no, Sehun was not mad at me. He just shut himself up for a couple days, fixing the problem by himself like he always does. And... And that’s it. Just like that, he forgave me, he still calls me his friend, even if all I do is being a burden to him.”

Hayoung tried to speak, “… I’m sure it’s not like that—”

“It is my fault, that Sehun doesn’t smile like he used to,” Jongin brushed her off. “He already went through so much before, and I made it worse. I know he’s struggling himself, but still he protects me, Hyeri, and Naeun. Sometimes… Sometimes I wish he has someone, someone who he doesn’t need the feel to be strong in front of them. And sadly… that person is not us.” He turned to Hayoung with a meaningful look on his eyes that Hayoung felt her cheeks burned. She looked away, missing the way Jongin stared intently at her. After a while, Jongin continued, “… Do you know that sometimes Sehun can’t sleep?”

Cautiously, Hayoung nodded.

The corner of Jongin’s lips went upward in a bitter smirk. “… Sehun never admitted it to us, but I believe I was also the reason it got worse.”

***

Sehun tossed and turned in his bed, sighing loudly when sleepiness still wouldn’t come even after two hours he laid on his bed. It was one of those sleepless nights, and none of his friends could stay with him. Besides, Sehun didn’t want them to spend too much times there just because of him, they had a family who waited for them to come home too.

There’s an empty mug on the bedside table, the hot milk inside it made by Naeun before she left was long gone, and Youngjae’s Sehun’s Lullaby didn’t help either.

He got up, deciding that if he couldn’t sleep, it’s better to do something productive. But when he already sat on his desk, pulling his book from his backpack, the small alarm clock on the table caught his attention. It was after midnight, and Sehun’s mind flew to the image of a girl bending down on her book, sitting alone on the empty diner.

He wondered if she’s at the diner now.

It’s been a while since he saw her – and it was only a glimpse of her back in the hallway. This time, too, Sehun waited for her to be the one who called him first, but now it’s not because of his pride; he’s giving her time until she’s ready to face Sehun again.

Although, Sehun didn’t know why his question made her so upset with him.

Sehun frowned a little when he caught himself daydreaming of the girl. He opened his History book, ready to read another past war for a bedtime story, but then his phone buzzed, indicating a new message. Sehun tapped his phone to check it, and his eyebrows rose reading the message. 

***

To: Sunbaenim

Sunbaenim, are you already sleeping?

If you’re still awake, can you pick me up at the diner?

Hayoung wasn’t really sure what made her bold enough to send the message – or why she did it at all. She probably went mad. Ior her debating within herself before she sent the message, and she regretted it right after she tapped the send button. But it’s too late to backpedaling now, Sehun had replied and said he’d be there. Calculating the time Sehun would arrive, Hayoung packed her belongings beforehand and waited outside.

When the familiar Honda HR-V pulled over in front of Hayoung, she took a deep breath before getting in.

“Hey,” Sehun greeted, eyes on her. Hayoung mumbled back her greet, and he waited until Hayoung put the seatbelt on before he took off.

“Thank you for picking me up, Sunbae,” Hayoung finally found her tongue, keeping her eyes on the road in front of them. “Did… Did I wake you up?”

“No… Can’t sleep,” Sehun stated, hitting the brake when they reached a red light. “Thanks for calling me too. At least now you save my number.” He glanced to Hayoung but said nothing more, and Hayoung chewed on her lips, looking outside the window.

“Oh,” she exclaimed, remembering something. “Can we make a stop at the minimarket? There’s one after this road.”

“Okay.”

Sehun followed Hayoung into the minimarket but he went straight to the beverages, grabbing a bottle of energy drink and letting Hayoung did her shopping. When she returned to the cashier a few minutes later, Sehun raised his eyebrows at the amount of puddings on the basket she carried. “They’re delicious,” Hayoung said defensively, and Sehun just chuckled, shaking his head.

Soon they’re already in front of Hayoung’s house, and Sehun leaned back on his chair, ready to say his goodbye. “So, do you want me to pick you up every night, or, should I wait for your call?”

“I…,” Hayoung stopped herself, fiddling restlessly with the strap of the seatbelt. She definitely went mad, because right now she’s having a really, really, odd thought. An odd thought involving Oh Sehun, who seemed to be the only thing on her mind lately.

She wanted to stay away from him, didn’t she? But she was also envious of how Sehun took care of his friends, something that she wouldn’t get unless she got closer to him. Hayoung knew Sehun didn’t believe her and that’s why he lingered around her, and it was fine, before, but if he didn’t believe her why he told her so much about him? His passive-aggressive behavior toward her was confusing, and Hayoung was confused with herself too, because she found herself curious and wanted to know more about the senior – even more after Jongin told her about how they became friends.

What actually happened between them?

Hayoung thought about Sehun on his apartment alone, and she thought about herself, lying wide awake on her bed. She thought of Sehun, who stayed at school because he wanted the crowd, and she thought of herself, who wandered through the nights.

Perhaps they had more in common than what they originally thought, the perfect third year and the ordinary first year.

“Do you…,” Hayoung’s eyes flickered to Sehun for a split second before she continued, “Sunbaenim, …do you want to go up for a bit?”

“Up…? Oh,” Sehun furrowed his eyebrows a little bit when he realized the invitation. He glanced to Hayoung’s house. There’s a question on his eyes, but he didn’t ask it. Instead, he asked, “… Would it be alright? It’s late. Not your usual visiting a friend’s house time.”

“… You’re not a friend,” came as the reply in a small voice, and Hayoung already freed herself from the seatbelt, opening the car’s door and stepped down. She walked to her house without looking back, but she heard the beeping sound of Sehun locking his car, and his steps following her after.

Sehun waited while Hayoung unlocked the front door, and he kept quiet too when Hayoung led him upstairs to her room. Hayoung let him in to her room first, mumbling an awkward, “Welcome.”

He shot her a small smile, walking in for the second time to the girl’s room.

Hayoung’s room was dominated with pastel colors – the furniture was light brown, the curtain was shades of pink, the bedding was purple polka dots. There’s a Super Junior poster from the Sorry, Sorry era – all thirteen members – and there’s a wall sticker of cats and stars above a shelf filled with books and CDs.

She noticed how Sehun’s checking out her room, and she tried to pay it no mind as she struggled to open a cup of pudding she just bought. Sehun turned his head, and seeing her, he reached out for the cup, opening it for her.

“… Thank you.” Hayoung handed him a cup of chocolate pudding without really looking at him before seating herself on the bed.

Sehun hummed, walking to the window, half-sitting on the window-frame. Hayoung hadn’t closed the curtains and Sehun blocked the light from the streets lamps that shone its way inside. He just sat there, eating his pudding, but with his casual clothes and his un-styled hair along with the absence of his smile, he looked like a forlorn little boy instead of the model-student he was during the day.

However, he caught Hayoung’s stare and smiled to her, changing back to the school’s vice-president, breaking the daze Hayoung was in.

“You’re right, this is delicious,” Sehun stated a second later, inspecting the cup, looking for the brand. It seemed like he didn’t pay any interest in Hayoung, but then he said, “… Do you like watching movies alone? Jongin walked you home safely, right?”

Talking to one of them was equal to talk to all of them, Hayoung noted inwardly, a little bit irritated with the fact.

“So what did Jongin say that made you like this tonight?” Sehun looked up at her, finally asking the question that he probably had refrained from asking since earlier.

Hayoung’s hand stopped mid-air and she put down the spoon, avoiding eye contact. What she’s going to say could drive Sehun away from her life, but it can also made him stay for good. Somehow, both ideas didn’t sound appealing to Hayoung.

“… I just want to be a normal girl,” she stated, deciding its best just to get to the point. “Average grades, some friends, some acquaintances, and some other wouldn’t even know my name. I just want… to be like that.”

Sehun took in her words, and he nodded in understanding after. “I guess I ruin your plan, being the principal’s niece makes you on the spotlight. No wonder you hate me so much.” 

“I don’t… hate…,” Hayoung trailed off, not finishing her sentence.

Sehun cocked an eyebrow, half-smiling. “But you know...  Normal people get curious.”

Hayoung glanced to the senior, and of course he was staring at her, waiting for her answer this time. “I do. I really do,” she said, starting to get riled up. “I want to know. Just what in the world you guys are? Friends don’t—Friends don’t do what you guys do. You act like you will do anything for them. I feel like a bad person, what did I do? Should I leave Hyeri Unnie when an old man was about to take advantage of her? Should I leave Jongin Sunbae on his own? And I didn’t mean to find out about Naeun Sunbae’s medicines. Even then, I promise to keep them for myself, why won’t you leave me? Why you live alone, why Naeun Sunbae looks terrified whenever I’m near, why you and Hyeri Unnie—” She caught herself and stopped, trying to breathe evenly. Sehun was still staring at her and Hayoung shook her head, changing her mind. “Why it’s so casual between all of you? I’m so curious, I want to know.”

Sehun’s eyes were fixed on Hayoung’s, undeterred with her sudden outburst. “Then why you didn’t ask anything?”

Hayoung tightened her jaw. “… Because, if I ask, if someone tells me about themselves, they will expect me to do the same, to tell them something about myself. And I don’t want to do that.”

“Hm. Then don’t say anything,” Sehun shrugged, as if he didn’t see the problem. “People can ask whatever they want, but you don’t have to answer.”

“Normal people don’t do that.”

“Well, normal people don’t invite their not friends to their room at midnight either. Unless they want to do inappropriate things, which, I doubt it will happen between us?”

Hayoung opened to talk back, flustered, but then she saw the mischievous glint on Sehun’s eyes and the amused smile he had. She pressed her lips, annoyed, and decided to finish her pudding instead.

Sehun did the same, and when he’s done, he put away the empty cup. “Alright. Let’s say you’re a normal girl. The average student,” he crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Let’s pretend we both are.”

That sounded like an invitation for Hayoung. She searched for Sehun’s eyes, wondering what does the boy wanted this time, but Sehun just gave her a challenging look. She gave up. “… Why do you live alone?”  

As if he already anticipated the question, Sehun answered immediately. “My parents got divorced when I was a kid. Father remarried, my new mother was pregnant, and when my brother was born, my father suggested that I live separately. He said he’s worried the baby would disturb my study, since it was almost my third year in middle school. I continue to live by myself until now.”  

That was unexpected.

“Since when… you can’t sleep?”

Sehun tilted his head slightly, thinking. “I’m not sure… It just happens that way.”

“Jongin Sunbae said…,” Hayoung hesitated, but Sehun raised his eyebrows, “Jongin Sunbae said it’s his fault that it got worse.”

A soft smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes bloomed on Sehun’s lips. “Perhaps.” They fell silence after that, until Sehun broke it. “Next question?”

There were so, so much that Hayoung wanted to ask him, but somehow the one popped in the moment was Youngjae’s question to her the other day. “Youngjae asked—Ah, he’s my friend—”

“Choi Youngjae, I know.”

Should she feel bothered that Sehun knows her friends? Hayoung wetted her lips and continued, “—he asked… whether you already like this since kid… Like this, um, good in everything.”

“Huh. Tell him I said thanks. And… Well, now when I think about it, … yeah?” Sehun frowned a bit. “Yeah. Back then, I… I thought if I was good enough, my mom wouldn’t leave us. Or she would return. So I studied hard and gave more effort than necessary in anything I did. I was... I am obsessed to be the best.” There’s something dark with the way he said it, but the very next second Sehun was already smiling again. “Is that all? What about me and the others being casual?”

“Nothing,” Hayoung said, trying her best to locked eyes with Sehun, determined not to fluster.

“Alright. My turn. Why do you always go out until late?”

Of course that would be his first question. “… Because no one’s looking for me even if I don’t go home.”  

“Where are your parents?”

The question made Hayoung pressed her lips tight, but then she remembered how Sehun dodged some of her questions. “... Around.”

Sehun seemed like he’s almost proud with the way Hayoung answered the question. “You visit the diner often?” Hayoung nodded. “Since when?”

“About two years ago.”

This time, when Sehun looked at Hayoung, there’s no smile on his lips; whether it’s the sincere or the polite ones. It’s just him and his low, quiet voice. “Do you feel lonely?”

Just like that - memories of Jongin’s words the other night at the park came back to Hayoung.

‘I know he’s struggling himself, but still he protects me, Hyeri, and Naeun.’

That’s why she asked back.

“... Do you?”

Sehun stared some more without answering, and there’s an emotion that Hayoung couldn’t read flashed by in his eyes. But as fast as it came, it was gone the next moment.

All of the sudden he stood up, smiling. “... I better go home now.”

“I wish he has someone, someone who he doesn’t need the feel to be strong in front of them.”

Hayoung bit her lips, feeling irrationally disappointed. She nodded, following Sehun as they walked down to the front door. He turned to her as soon as he’s outside, and Hayoung got reminded once again of how tall the boy was, standing in front of her. She remembered the first time he talked to her; PE class, “Don’t tell the teachers,”, the close proximity, the scent of his cologne, and his husky voice – but he didn’t remember that. He didn’t remember her.  

He looked down to her, his gaze dropping to somewhere below her eyes.

Sehun leaned closer, and for a split second Hayoung was almost sure that he would—

But he just smiled, patting Hayoung’s head lightly.  

“... Good night, Oh Hayoung,” was the last thing Sehun said before he went home.

*just because  = 근양 (keunyang);