https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQT82EOXX7c

A few weeks after out meeting... I thought I should act like a normal human being. And stop being depressed.

Thing is.... I didn't know that it would be one of the hardest things to do.. to get out of such a thing.

It took me all my strenght to text Hyukjae.

Hey, you wanted to talk to me about something? Wanna meet somewhere?

He then answered he will come to my place.

I prepared myself for this. I cut myself for the last time today.

The bell rang.

"I know there are many pretty girls out there..."...I do know. this

''Hey, Hae. How have you been?" He asked.

"And how much I try, there are things that can’t be done." .... I could never give you what they can...right?

''I've been well. What about you?" I lied.

"I know you’re just curious, like a butterfly, attracted to the fancy colors." ..You couldn't help yourself you thought.. ''What if we .. actually do something like this? With Donghae?"

''Me too. Listen, I don't know really how to say this. My mind was never at peace these past days. Thing is Hae.. we started drifting from each other. I think we both noticed it ...And I see you are doing well like this....you are really okay right?"

I nodded with a smile. Keep it up Donghae. I crossed my arms so I couldn't feel any pain from his next words.. just the physical pain.

"I don't want to lie to you. But.... I slept with other women and... I know how you feel about this and.. I .. I ..think it will be better if we depart for real..this time. What do you think? "

...I was not good enough. It's my fault. What did I think he will say? I knew he will just dump me like the trash i am. Of course he wants women. Whatever happiness we had, it was not the same for him obviously, plus look at me.I am a stupid child, I am pathetic. I said.. before he should let it go, and not keep me there with him.. I said I will let him go.. and I couldn't do it. But now him letting me go like this... it was even scarier. What will I do withouth him? He was my only happiness? He is..or was my best friend and .. he still is the man I love. How is my pathetic brain going to recover from this.. so I can move on for the sake of my career and Super Junior?

"Yeah.. I kind of saw it coming. But you know it's cool. It's fine as long as you are happy." I said in a small voice.. getting a little louder on the last sentence.

After this talk he nodded and hugged me, leaned a little to kiss me...mistake. What he pities me that much?

And he left. What do you think you are doing Hyukjae?

Few minutes passed and I stayed in the same position and place. Why didn't I stop you.... No.

... I will just hold it a little longer.

It will pass like this.

And we will ....ow it.

Desires sometimes are too strong. Craving for something is too strong. Will to fight and Desire coem from the same place.. the brain. And my brain is very ed up right now.

I went to try something new.

But u gotta know...Hyukjae

Ain’t nobody gonna love you like I do. Every little piece of you.

Ain’t nobody gonna understand you like I do....i do.

"I know why no one taught you about love, and how to love a girl or a boy, you thought it was all a game." ...sleeping around? Is it really exciting?

"With the strength of youth and yearning for experience, In search of new inspiration...." You also tried that game with me too .. saying ''it might be different Donghae..I don't know."

And then Miss IU? .."You wandered in the darkness and erased me for a moment...swept away by the thrilling sensation.."

And then .. '' Let's start over Donghae."

Tell me who’s the winner now, Hyukjae? I am crying.....All that’s left is pain
Tell me what we gonna do....? Even know when everything is broken down, I still love you.

You should know that ...ain’t nobody gonna love you like I did..ain’t nobody gonna understand you like I did.. ain’t nobody.

I cried and cried.. whispering to myself.. all of this...while doing special activites which include, pretty silver pieces, alcohol and smoke.