I tried reaching you for a few days. Your phone was either turned off. Or you didn't answer. 

I need help. Or maybe .. I don't deserve help. 

I have nobody to ask help from. I cannot bother members.. I cannot bother parents. I .. don't have any other close people.

You , won't ..pick up or return my calls..

I didn't do anything for months. Of course it's too late.

I didn't move my finger at all. I guess .. it's not worth it to try anymore. 

I am not worth it.

"I found God on the corner of 1st and Amistad, where the West was all but won."

"All alone, smoking his last cigarette..I said, "Where you been?" He said, "Ask anything"....."

Where were you when everything was falling apart?
All my days were spent by the telephone it never rang, and all I needed was a call that never came...to the corner of 1st and Amistad. 

"Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me, lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded..... why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me....dead"

"But in the end everyone ends up alone, losing you, the only one who's ever known...
..Who I am, who I'm not and who I wanna be...No way to know how long he will be next to me.."

So what if I am a drama queen?

So what if other people have worse lives than myself?

I am going to give all of the needy people a gift. I will give up on my life so there is a place for other great people in this world.

Not pathetic losers like me. 

Friday morning.

Super Junior dorm.

Ring Ding Dong.

Ryeowook opened the door with a surprised and happy look. 

''Hyung? Oh my god. Where have you been. Just because we don't have much to do it doesn't mean you shouldn't connact us. Or at least me."

I smiled. ''Can I come in?"

''Yes, sure.. everybody are here actually. It's a good timing you picked. Only Hyukjae is out, but he has some work or I dunno."

In front of the TV ..the members of Super Junior were sitting.. lying and even standing up watching old performances of us.

"Yah. Donghae! Where were you? You didn't call hyung at all?"

" I was busy Heechul hyung. I had... stuff to do.

"Lies, you are the same like Lee Hyukjae? Always working. Funny thing is .. we are in the same group.. but we don't have as much as work as you do. Tsk Tsk Tsk"

"I am sorry hyungs..I actually came to hang with you? Is it okay."

"No, of course you should go back to your work."

We laughed and I spent the whole day with them. We laughed like there was no tomorrow. I really missed them. 

Yesterday I went to see mother and Donghwa. 

I really had the desire to live...I needed help... but the words..wouldn't come out. 

I am so ashamed of myself.

I can pretend for a day that life is amazing.

But I cannot do it forever.. they are worth it..

...but I am not worth it. I am not going to confess to these people all of the things I did. 

This is the last part of the letter for you Hyukjae. I will now put it and all of the other parts, on your pillow.

"The early morning, the city breaks, and I've been calling for years and years and years and years....And you never left me no messages....You never sent me no letters.....You got some kind of nerve taking all I want!"

"Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me, lying on the floor surround me, surround me... why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me....dead"

                                 Why'd you have to wait to find me, to find me?