Sunday, April 16th, 2006

Dear Diary,


Today is Dad's wedding day. I don't know if I'm sad or happy right now. The second he kissed Lulu hyung's mom, that was when I broke up with hyung. I almost cried, but Lulu hyung smiled and clapped for our parents. I knew he was sad too, this morning we cried together, but he kept on telling me that we'd be fine. He has a really strong heart, I envy him a lot for that! I know, I know, he's four years older than me and he always tries his best not to cry in front of me because he's manly, but this time it's different and for goodness' sake we're losing our two year relationship! I think it's okay if he wants to cry a little bit more, before he turns twenty two in the next four days. Speaking of his birthday, I didn’t know what I should get for him, but then I got a brilliant idea! We exchanged our gifts today and he cried when he saw his present. For my present, he got me an expensive member card from this one bubble tea shop we always go to every weekends, and now I'm able to get free bubble tea as much as I want for a year! Woohoo! Isn't he a lovely hyung? Yes, I love him so much it hurts.


I swear he’ll still like the present from me better than the one he’ll get from Minseok hyung! Hmph, I'm still pissed off because Minnie hyung hugged Lulu today. I hope he won't take Lulu away from me. Since I'm now only Lulu hyung's brother, I can't stop him from dating anyone else. I don't know if I'll be able to accept it though, I might just die seeing him with someone else. I even got jealous seeing him interact with his family member! Why am I so possessive though? I hope Luhan hyung won’t hate me for this, since I’m now only his brother. I just can’t help it.

"Sehunnie, are you done yet?"


"Not yet, wait a minute!"


"What are you doing in there actually? I've been waiting for ten minutes already."


I was about to knock his door for the umpteenth time when suddenly the said door swung opened, giving a way for my soon-to-be-brother to poke his head out.


"You can come in now," he said, flashing his adorable eye smile and feline grin that I loved the most. I stepped in and eyed him from head to toe in awe.


"...But the wedding ceremony is in four hours."


"I know," he giggled, "I'm just trying my new suit. Do you like it?"


I stared at him for a little bit more; he was just wearing a plain black suit above his white dress shirt and a pair of black trousers, also a bowtie to complete it, but he looked as dazzling as ever. He just had to style up his black hair and he'd look absolutely perfect.


"...Yeah. Of course."


"What's with that answer?" he pouted, "You don't like it? My old suit is too small for me now."


I stepped closer to him, held his shoulders and smiled at him. "No, I love it. You look so handsome, Sehun-ah."


Sehun bowed his head and grinned bashfully. "Thank you, Lu." He spun me around and held my waist, pulling me closer to him until my back bumped his chest. We both stared at our reflection in the full-length mirror in front of us. I was only wearing a t-shirt and a pair of shorts, it looked so unsuitable with him backhugging me. An eighteen-year-old Sehun in suit was a very handsome and manly Sehun.


“Don’t we look good together?” Sehun smiled softly and rested his chin on my shoulder. “Sadly this is not our marriage.”


“Ya, haven’t we promised not to talk about it for today?” I chuckled and patted his arm. “Let’s just be happy now. For our mom and dad.”


Sehun turned me around facing him and cupped my cheeks in his hands. He stared at me somewhat sadly for a bit, but then smiled and pecked my lips.


"Have you got a present for me?" he asked expectantly.


"Sure!" I beamed, "Have you? Let's exchange our presents tonight."


We had agreed to exchange our birthday present that day; it was four days after his birthday and four days before my birthday, also the same day as our parents' wedding day.


"What if I haven't?" Sehun flashed a naughty grin.


"Then you won't get your present," I stuck out my tongue at him. He laughed and pulled me into a big hug.


"Of course I have. I wonder, what do you really want for your birthday actually?" he asked while rocking me back and forth, "Is it golden rubik's cube? Or a new soccer jersey?"


I want you. "Anything will be fine," I looked up and smiled at him.


While still hugging each other, we both wobbled towards the bed until Sehun plopped down on the edge. I climbed onto his lap, wrapping my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck, while he held my waist and stared up at my face with a loving smile gracing his pretty lips.


He was smiling; he did that a lot in the last one month. I didn't know what had changed him, but he was then back to a cheerful and bubbly Sehun, he reminded me of his younger self when I had first met him four years before. He had taken me out on so many dates, he had bought me couple stuff and we had taken countless pictures of us together. I was glad he didn't cry a lot anymore like the previous two months, but on the other hand, by smiling and laughing a lot, somehow he made me worried as well.


I was afraid that he was forcing himself to be happy, that he was only covering his true feelings and hiding them from me. I didn't want him to keep any secrets from me. So I decided to make it clear.


"Sehun-ah, are you really over it?" I carefully asked. And then his smile faltered.


"W-What do you mean?"


"Hmm... I guess you know what I mean?" I smiled doubtfully.


He lowered his gaze to my lips and gulped down the slump in his throat. "I... Honestly I don't know."


Seeing him get sad all of a sudden, I drew him into a hug and placed his head on my shoulder. I his hair and patted his back as he clutched the back of my shirt, probably trying to hold back his bubbling emotions.


"We're going to break up in a few hours," he mumbled, "that's what makes me still sad."


"Don't keep it to yourself then," I pecked his temple, "tell me about it, baby. It's okay now, but we shouldn't cry because of this anymore after we get out of this room."


Sehun tightened his arms around my body and buried his face on the crook of my neck. "I'm... I'm really sad... I don't want us to break up. Will we even be able to be this close without getting sad? Won't we be really awkward?"


If I had to be honest, I was also worried about that. But I tried to think positive, I was the older one here.


"No, baby. We won't be awkward at all," I said, rubbing soothing circles on his back with my thumb. "We've known each other for too long to be awkward towards each other. Right? We can still be close, although not in every ways."


"We'll go back to two years ago then," he sniffed, "In the end I've never got to actually touch you. It's ironic how I used to tell you to wait until I grow up if you wanted me to touch you. Now that I've grown up, we've never really done anything about that, because our parents didn't let us to."


He was right; it was so ironic I felt like laughing and crying at the same time.


"Well... Aren't you touching me now?" I chuckled awkwardly.


"It's not even funny. "


"Right. Sorry."


We remained in the same position in silence for a moment. I held the back of his head and kept on patting his back, until I stopped because of the feeling of something wet on the side of my neck.


"Sehunnie..." I held his shoulders and gently pushed him away a little bit so I could see his face. He was crying; after quite a long time he finally let me see his tears again. Nonetheless, he only let a few drops escape before he quickly wiped them away and then smiled at me. Seeing his smile I felt my own tears prick my eyes, it made me so emotional that he was really trying his best to be strong. I didn't realize I had started to cry, until he brought his hand up and gently wiped my tears away from my cheek. I leaned forward and encircled my arms around his neck.


"We'll be fine," I closed my eyes and whispered on his ear, "we'll be fine. Say it now. Say 'hyung'."


“…No.”


“Why? Come on, say it. We can’t go through this if you don’t even want to call me hyung. I’m older than you.”


“I can’t.”


“But you said it once earlier.”


“It was different. I can’t really call you that now,” he said somewhat shakily, “it feels so foreign on my tongue. It feels wrong.”


I slipped my hand between our bodies and pressed my palm on his chest. “It’s okay, you can do it. Say it just once now.”


I pulled back slightly to see his face, but he bowed his head to hide it. I held his chin and gently lifted his face until our eyes met with each other.


“Lu,” I mouthed without any voice. His lips quivered slightly before he repeated it.


“Lu.”


“Han,” I mouthed again.


“Han.”


“Hyung.”


“…”


“Hyung,” I whispered.


“…”


“Hyung,” I said again with audible voice.


“…”


“…Sehun-ah.”


“Hyung.”


He said it; I didn’t know if I should be happy or sad. “Luhan hyung,” I said, signaling him to repeat it again.


“…Luhan…” he paused and blinked a few times, “…hyung. Luhan hyung.”


I didn’t know why my eyes got wet again and why my chest felt so heavy, I had thought I had been over it. Without giving any warnings, I attacked his lips in a needy kiss, with my hands weakly clutching the collar of his suit. Surprised, he remained still for a moment, but then he slowly wrapped his arms around my body and held the back of my neck, tilting his head slightly, moving his lips in sync with mine. I caressed his cheek softly and ran my fingers through his hair.


“Good boy,” I whispered and smiled sadly, “we’ll be fine. I love you.” I kissed his lips once again before covering him in my embrace, letting him spill out all his tears, so that there would be none left to spill on the wedding.








A few hours later, Sehun and I, looking all dashing in our suits and with our hair done nicely, went to the church where our parents’ wedding ceremony was held. The place was really big with many rows of seats, yet there weren’t that many people, since it was still early.


“So… We’ll separate here?” Sehun let go of my hand hesitantly. We were also taking part in the ceremony; he was the best man, and I was Mom’s . This was the hardest part for us, we had prepared ourselves mentally since the night before.


“Okay,” I smiled and patted his arm, “we’ll meet again…in front of the altar.”


It surprisingly hurt to say that. So I turned my back to him and left quickly, heading towards the room at the back, where Mom was getting ready. I didn’t see it when Sehun sighed sadly and flew his gaze towards the altar before making his own way to his father.


A few moments later, after all the guests had come and the seats had become full, the ceremony finally began and I nervously waited outside for the part when Mom and I would enter the room. It felt so wrong that I was more nervous and fidgety than Mom, even though it was her wedding, not mine. But I was helpless; Sehun would stand there too.


“Relax, Xiao Lu,” Mom chuckled and hugged my arm. I bit my lip and glanced at her; she was as beautiful as ever, with a youthful face, but also a motherly smile. I somehow could feel how happy she was just by seeing her twinkling round eyes. Realizing that what I was doing – sacrificing my love – could make her smile like that, despite how much it hurt myself, I suddenly felt that my feelings didn’t matter anymore. I just wanted to make her happy, repay her for being such a strong and loving mother. She had raised me by herself for almost nine years and then it was time for her to have a break and get some help; a little happiness for herself.


I flashed a sincere smile as I gently wrapped my arms around her fragile body and lightly squeezed her. “Congratulations, Mom. I’m happy for you.”


“Thank you so much, honey.” She pecked my cheek and smiled at me lovingly. “This is all because of you too. You’re the best son a mother could ask for.” She tiptoed a little and encircled her arm around my neck. “I love you,” she said in the sincerest way, “we’ll all make a new happy family together.”


She pulled away and beamed at me, causing me to bow my head and chuckle shyly. It was somehow rather awkward to me, but I loved how her happiness radiated from her body to mine, giving me a comfortable warmth inside my chest.


“I love you too, Mom,” I said sheepishly. “Do I have a lipstick mark on my cheek, by the way?”


Mom laughed as she wiped the pink lipstick mark that she had left on my cheek with a tissue. “There. Perfect. My son is so handsome.”


After waiting for what seemed like forever, I could hear soft music coming from the inside; Sehun and his father were entering from the other door. When the door in front of me slowly opened up, I straightened my back and folded my left arm for Mom to link her arm with. The groomsmen and bridesmaids entered first, while Mom and I were the last to come in; it somehow felt like sitting on the last seat in a roller coaster and was slowly crawling to the top, and was about to go down really soon. When I stood face to face with Sehun; that would be the peak.


Mom and I walked down the aisle ever so slowly, I had never thought I would ever walk that slow. I looked straight to the front; there, in front of the altar, my soon-to-be father was waiting with a certain lanky boy standing straight next to him.


Once my eyes met with Sehun’s, I found myself not able to look away even just a second. As I slowly eliminated the distance between us, step by step, I felt my chest get heavier with all my bubbling emotions suffocating me. Even though my eyes were opened and a smile remained on my lips, inside my head I imagined myself in the very same position; walking down the aisle with him waiting at the end of it. I pictured myself smiling at him until I finally stood next to him, I tried to feel how I would shed happy tears when we said our vows to each other, exchanged rings and then kissed right after.


Standing together in front of the altar as one had always been our biggest dream.


But that wasn’t what actually happened; it was all my imagination. I realized that when Sehun looked away to blink back his tears for a split second, before turning his head back to the front and putting on a very forced smile. We had prepared for this part, but I hadn’t expected it to be that hard. I was on the verge of tears all the time, and I believed he was too. The heat stinging my eyes wouldn’t go away and I was unconsciously holding my breath, my feet were itching to run towards him and throw myself into his arms; it was all like a torture. I discreetly heaved a long breath to calm myself down.


’We’ll be fine. We’ll only be brothers, I’m not losing him at all,’ I reassured myself for the umpteenth time. When I finally stopped in front of him, I gave him an encouraging smile and a subtle nod, hoping that it would give him a little strength. Although he was still smiling, his eyes clearly screamed out his sadness. They looked as doubtful as ever, even rather scared somehow, but there was nothing I could do about it.


“I love you,” I helplessly mouthed to him for the last time before I stood next to Mom, who was then standing face to face with Sehun’s father.


I couldn’t keep my mind clear when our parents said their vows. When they slipped their wedding rings on each other's ring finger, I felt as if my heart stopped beating and I could barely breathe, and when they kissed, I died a little inside.


’It’s over.’


Everyone cheered and applauded them; at that moment I felt as if I was slowly losing myself that I became numb with my surroundings, so before something unexpected could happen, with all my might, I raised my head and joined everyone clapping my hands for our parents, hugged them and congratulated them.


I smiled, but my heart felt numb.


Sehun looked away and covered half his face with his hand, blinking rapidly, struggling hard not to cry. Between the euphoric atmosphere, I let my feet move by themselves, bringing me to him. I pulled him down into a hug and squeezed him as tightly as I could.


“Oh Sehun, my little brother,” I whispered to him, “I love you.”


I could feel him squeeze the back of my suit in his fists. “…Luhan hyung,” his voice cracked, “I love you too.”


And we officially broke up. We were officially the Oh brothers.


After two years of waiting and another two years of our own, filled with love and happiness, we finally returned to the very beginning.


That time I strongly believed that I would never be able to forget everything we had been through. He was my everything and I loved him with all I had on me, but then that he was forced to walk out of my heart, he left my heart with a huge gaping hole. And so did I; we were both hurt.


But somehow deep in my heart I believed, as the time went by, while living as loving brothers, we could nurse our broken hearts together and someday, once again we’d be perfectly happy.


There wouldn’t be the time when we had to say goodbye; we’d be okay because we would always stay together.








Later at night on the same day, the wedding party was held in a huge ballroom in a five-star hotel. Everything in that room was decorated in white, my favorite color. Even the magnificent tall wedding cake at the front was all white too. The guests were coming one by one until the spacious room became all crowded. Sehun and I sat at an empty table on a separated area meant for the family, quietly watching everyone walk back and forth around the room and chat with each other. Most of the faces were unfamiliar to us.


Initiating a conversation, Sehun called me and poked my shoulder. “Hyung.”


I turned my head towards him and gave him my warmest smile. “Yes, Sehun-ah?”


He bowed his head and began to play with his fingers. “I’m just wondering… What kind of brother do you want to have?”


I raised my eyebrows, not seeing that coming, but then laughed lightly and squeezed his hand. ‘Well… I want a cute, bubbly and cheerful one. The one that does aegyo and smile a lot. Hmm, to be exact, just like the old little Sehunnie.”


He pouted a little, but then nodded slowly and smiled at me. “Okay. I got it.”


I raised an eyebrow and tilted my head slightly, the corners of my lips tugging up into a curious smile, but he only shrugged and flashed his adorable eye smile as the answer.


“Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeey! Sehun-aaaaaah! Luhan hyuuuuuung!”


Suddenly a familiar loud voice boomed from afar and we both turned our heads to see a certain lanky boy and a shorter one run towards us across the room, just like two excited puppies. They stopped in front of us and bent down to catch their breath.


“Chanyeol hyung, Baekhyun hyung!” Sehun stood up and gave each of them a hug, me following suit.


"You guys look handsome today," I chuckled and patted their backs as I hugged them. "Thanks for coming."


"No problem! We've been waiting for the food too, actually," Baekhyun snickered and wiped his nose. “Sorry I didn’t come to the ceremony, I had to babysit my cousins because their parents left with my parents. They’re such an if put together!”


“It’s okay,” Sehun and I answered in unison, chuckling at the pissed off puppy, who was groaning and his dark brown curly hair.


"You guys look handsome as well, by the way," Chanyeol grinned, "I was one of the groomsmen, but didn’t have the chance to tell you that. You look like each other, like real brothers! Oh, are you already brothers now?"


"Thank you," I giggled shyly, "yes, I guess you can say so.”


"We became officially brothers after the vow and the kiss," Sehun shrugged, "we tried to hold on as long as possible.”


Chanyeol and Baekhyun looked at each other, and then smiled apologetically at us.


"Bro hug?" Chanyeol offered and wiggled his eyebrows.


"Bro hug," Baekhyun parroted, and then four of us hugged together and giggled like teletubbies. I felt a little bit better because of these two dorks.


"Have you seen Jongin yet? He comes with Soo!" Chanyeol balled his hands, bit his lip to hold his grin and bounced on his heels excitedly. "That squishy Soo!"


"Really?" both Sehun and I widened our eyes.


"We rarely see Kyungsoo hyung, let's go see him now!" Sehun held my hand and the two puppies led our way to Jongin and Kyungsoo, four of us running across the big room like naughty little boys.


We found them sitting together with two more of our close friends, Minseok and Chen. Kyungsoo was sitting quietly while holding a giggly Jongin on his lap, listening intently to what Minseok and Chen were joking about. He didn't even laugh nor smile a little bit, he just stared at them with his big owl eyes, seeming to be really confused as to what they were talking about and why it was funny.


"Oh look, they're coming!" Chen exclaimed, stood up and pointed at us. "Heeey congratulations guys!"


As soon as Kyungsoo turned his head and saw us, a big heart-shaped smile bloomed on his face as he shoved Jongin aside and stood up to give us a hug.


"Luhan hyung, Sehun-ah!" he threw his short arms around us and squeezed us together, "It's been a while. Congratulations on your parents' wedding!"


"Thank you!" Sehun and I answered in unison and returned his hug.


"It's nice to see you two happy tonight," he said rather carefully, yet with a warm friendly smile.


Jongin came from behind and slung his arm around his shorter boyfriend's shoulders. "Of course they're happy. It's because I wished them to be happy."


Kyungsoo looked up at the taller and raised an eyebrow. "So you're saying they're happy because of you?"


"Definitely," Jongin nodded confidently and smirked.


"Ya, don't be too full of yourself," Sehun scolded his buddy and swung his leg, pretending to kick him, but then laughed and shared a bro hug with him as well.


On the side, Chanyeol was creepily grinning at Kyungsoo, squeezing his hands together.


"Ya, what's wrong with you?" Baekhyun whispered and slapped his arm, "Don't wear that pedo look, you’re creeping me out."


"He's still as squishy as ever," Chanyeol said and presses his balled hands on his cheeks, "he still looks the same, he doesn't even grow tall."


Suddenly Kyungsoo turned his head towards Chanyeol and gave him an unimpressed look. "I heard that."


While the others were laughing, I shifted my gaze to the boy standing behind Kyungsoo and Jongin. A warm big smile grew on my face as I made my way towards him, until I finally stood in front of him.


"Baozi."


He looked up into my eyes worriedly, trying to read me like an open book, but I didn't bother taking off my smile. Maybe he could see a little sadness reflected in my eyes, but I just wanted to reassure him that I was fine.


"Lulu." He stepped closer and wrapped me in a tight hug. "Stay happy, okay?"


We hugged a little bit longer that I failed to notice Sehun's gaze past Jongin's shoulder.


“Hey look, isn’t that panda?” Jongin pointed at a boy coming from afar behind Sehun.


“What panda? My parents didn’t hire any clowns for their wedding,” Sehun said as he turned his head back. “Oh. Just them.”


“Hun-ah!” the tall panda boy jumped and clung onto Sehun’s back, causing him to wobble back and forth. “Wow you’ve become taller!”


“Get off, Tao hyung,” Sehun swung his hand back and slapped Tao’s . He sniffed like a puppy and then scrunched up his nose in disgust. “What perfume are you using again? It’s too strong.”


“It’s expensive, I tell you! I got Kris to buy me that,” Tao declared proudly, while the very tall guy standing next to them nodded silently and secretly the wallet in his pocket.


“Kris,” I beamed at my old friend and opened my arms, letting him come to me and give me yet another bro hug. “Long time no see, dude. I’ve just realized that I missed you.”


My tall ex-classmate chuckled and patted my back. “Missed you too, Lulu. Congratulations, by the way. Isn’t there any alcohol around here? We should get you drunk again.”


“No way!” I laughed and punched his arm playfully.


It was so good to meet these two high class men after quite a while, I had actually missed them. Seeing how tall Tao had grown, even taller than me, I realized that time had passed really quickly. I remembered the first time I had met him in Kris’ car, on our way to the New Year’s Eve party at Chanyeol’s house about three years before. He had been fifteen back then, a sassy tanned-skinned boy who had worn huge sunglasses at night inside a car. Then, he had become a very handsome and fashionable teenager, just like Kris. About their status, it had always been unclear. Through the years, they still bickered a lot about unimportant stuff, but they were inseparable. Maybe it was wrong, but I thought there was a possibility that this boy was gay, because he used to praise Sehun a lot for his look, just like a teenage girl adoring a boy idol.


“Hun-ah, I like your hair! Just keep it black, don’t change its color like Lu ge.”


“Really, Hun-ah, it’s been only half a year since the last time I met you but you look so mature now! Have you done something to your face? I guess it’s a little prettier now?”


“Hun-ah, you look so manly in this suit. Unlike Lu ge, he still looks cute even in suit.”


While chatting with the others, my ears kept catching the compliments Tao was throwing continuously at my new little b