Sunday, December 23rd, 2007

Hi Diary,


It's really cold today. I guess I've caught a cold... Physically and mentally. I don't know, is it even possible to mentally catch a cold? My heart is shivering inside.


Ah~ I'm just so sad right now. You know, I've cried so much that I've become fed up with my own tears. I don't know what to say anymore. Life is being harsh on me. I sound so pathetic, don't I?


So if you wonder what's wrong with me... Today I went stalking on Luhan hyung's date with Minseok hyung.

 

"Luhan-ah~ Good morning! Have you just woken up? I'm sorry for calling you this early, I'm just soooo excited for today! It's been quite a while we haven't gone out on a "date". Is it okay if I call it a date? Kekeke~ I've got your text message, by the way! It's really okay, Lulu, we don't have to go anywhere far away. Snow is everywhere! So... I guess I'll be waiting for you to pick me up! See you soon, Lulu~"


A smooch and a shy giggle ended Minseok's voice mail that made me grin like a e that morning. It was still early, seven in the morning, yet he had called me two hours before. How could he get up so early though? It was really cold outside, I was curling in my bed with the thick covers wrapped around my body tightly. If I hadn't had any plans that day, I wouldn't have woken up so early in the morning.


But the real thing was that I had a "date" with Minseok, so I had to climb off my bed and drag myself towards the bathroom to have a warm shower. As I was cleaning myself, I let my mind wander aimlessly. Mostly it was all about Minseok and Sehun that I was thinking about.


Since we had been caught by Sehun in my office months before, Minseok had been trying to hold himself back whenever he was around me. He had also stopped coming to my office for a pretty long period of time, until I myself had asked him to come again one day due to so much pressure at my workplace. Since then, he had started to come again everyday with Sehun's permission. Although I had been relieved at first that he hadn’t been around me, so things hadn’t had to be awkward between us, I couldn't bear seeing him keep all his feelings to himself. I had thought, how long would I pretend to be oblivious? So, out of pity, several months before I had decided to pull him back and actually open my heart for him. But then, it was probably not pity anymore. I wasn't sure, I just really enjoyed my time with him, so I always looked forward to our next "dates". It had been a complicated process to reach that point though. Such a dilemma and I had had to face it alone without being able to share it with anyone.


What about Sehun? He preferred spending his time with Jongin more. He brought him home almost everyday, sometimes with Kyungsoo too. He covered up really well; he barely showed that he was upset, but on the other hand, he had never failed to make me fall a little again for him. While playing innocent, he did things on purpose that could make my heart rate increase a tiny bit. That was how he fought to keep my heart stay in his grip.


As Mom and Dad had kept asking me about the progress of my relationship with Minseok or any other girls, if there had been any, the way I took their questions had eventually changed; I didn't feel like being "pushed" anymore because I had been used to it. Instead, somehow I was always happy to tell them about my day that I spent with Minseok, because it was always fun. Sehun was also there to listen to my stories, at first I had felt uneasy, but he didn't show his dislike anymore. Instead, he listened to each of my stories intently, even asking some questions about them as if he were actually interested. This condition had been going for a while, he had covered up really well so far, making me feel comfortable and free to talk about anything to him that I forgot about his own feelings. Everything seemed perfectly fine, I thought he was over me already.


I was just too afraid to admit that deep inside I was a little bit disappointed. Sehun had used to be a very possessive one and strange enough I kind of missed that side of him. Really, at that point I couldn’t be certain about a thing, I couldn’t even understand myself and what I wanted. I was actually letting life drag me anywhere it wanted.


While being carried with the flow, without any fights, I let things around me affect me and my feelings. I had gotten this kind of empty feeling inside my chest and I really needed something to fill it. So I tried many things to busy myself, I listened to everything people said, especially my parents, and did what they wanted me to in order to please them and just to be a good son. But still, at the end of the day I still felt something missing and it wasn’t much of a pleasing feeling. It wasn’t that I didn’t know what could heal this “disease” that I was having; each time I saw my brother Sehunnie, even though it was just the back view of his black hair or his tall figure in the distant, I still felt a little excitement in my chest that made me want to run to him and hug him tight and never let him go ever again. But I ignored that feeling, even mentally scolded myself sometimes, Stupid Luhan, what are you thinking? You’re his hyung, wanting him that way is bad and wrong!


But there was nothing that could be compared to him, nothing big enough to fill the gap he had left. Well, at least there was one that was bigger than anything else I could find, although it was nothing close to Sehunnie. And this big thing was my best friend Kim Minseok. Not physically big, but he meant a lot to me. He had been my strength.


And lately I found him cute. He had always been cute for as long as I had known him, but no, he had strangely become cuter. Almost… like a girl.


I’m sorry for saying this, Minseok.


You can say I had put quite a lot of interest in him. I had let myself feel these new feelings for him for certain reasons; by pretending to be oblivious to his feelings, ignoring his attempts to approach me and not giving him any chance, I had been so unfair to him. If I thought about it, we had known each other for so long, even longer than I had known Sehun. Though it didn’t have anything to do with that; I let Minseok enter my heart not because of how long we had known each other, but because of how desperate he had been while trying to hide it at the same time. We had been best friends since forever and I had figured out that I wasn’t supposed to act like a stranger who didn’t understand a thing about him, while I actually knew every little pieces of him as well as I knew myself. So I had given the key to him.


I didn’t know how it could have grown into something like this though, a rather big feeling. It was probably because he could act cuter than me and therefore made me feel so manly around him (I loved that feeling to be manlier), or maybe because I was taller than him that I liked sticking to him so I could be proud of our height difference, or maybe because he was warm both inside and outside, he was soft and fluffy and huggable. Maybe because he really understood me both inside and outside and he often surprised me by reading my mind. Or maybe it was simply just because of how much time we had spent together in the past several months. He was my escape whenever I needed a break from thinking too much about Sehun. Which was everyday, unfortunately. I just didn’t want to admit it. Lately I kept thinking about Minseok too though.


Like what cute stuff he would wear on our “date” that day, or how he would greet me when I picked him up. Or what kind of face he would make when I said some certain lines. I thought too much that I didn’t realize I had spent more than half an hour in the bathroom.


Humming a random song cheerfully, I dried myself with a towel and then wrapped it around my waist. Since the bathroom was inside my own room, I thought I’d just go out to pick some clothes from my closet and then get dressed in the bathroom. But an abrupt change of plan happened when I opened my bathroom door.


“Hyung.”


“Eek!” I instinctively clutched the towel on my waist and pushed the door to close it, but failed miserably because Sehun’s foot stopped it from being shut.


“Ow,” he said flatly, “don’t push it too hard. Why did you shriek like a girl? Come out here.”


I pressed my back flat on the door, shut my eyes and placed my hand on my chest in attempt to calm my jumping heart down. “I-I didn’t shriek like a girl! Y-You just surprised me. Why were you standing so close to the door anyway?” Ugh, I forgot to lock my room’s door.


“I thought I should help you for your date today. Aren’t I a good brother?” Without my permission, he stepped into my bathroom and grabbed my wrist, pulling me out of my hiding place.


“W-What- M-My date?”


“With Minseok hyung. Mom and Dad told me about it.” He stood in front of me and stared at me for a brief moment, to be exact at my exposed torso, causing me to bow my head out of embarrassment. It was embarrassing enough to admit that I felt like a small girl with flat chest being eyed by a hot guy, just because he was taller and slightly bigger than me. And maybe more handsome and manlier too.


“Don’t look at me like that,” I pouted and turned his face away by his chin. A naughty smile found its way to his lips as he snickered and brought my hand down, and then proceeded to torture my cheeks with his deadly pinch.


“Ow, ow! Let go!”


“Aww~ So my hyung can pout too. How cute!” Suddenly he scooped me up in his arms bridal style, causing me to yelp and hug his neck out of instinct. He carried me out of the bathroom while cracking a naughty laugh.


“Put me down! My towel is getting loose.”


“So what? You’ll take it off anyway.”


“Not with you in my room.”


“Is that so? Well unfortunately you can’t kick me out and I won’t let you go back to the bathroom, so you can either stay here with your towel for as long as you want, or go out and have your date just wearing that towel.”


You see, it was beyond hard to handle him.


“I- Ugh, aren’t there any better choices?”


Sehun dropped me on the edge of my bed, put his hands on his waist and flashed a shiny broad grin. “I’ll help you get dressed. You have to pick the best clothes.”


“Oh? How nice of you, Sehunnie, but I can pick my own clothes. It’s okay, you can get out now.”


Ignoring my words, Sehun went to my closet and began to dig through my clothes. “Hmm… Let’s see, you should pick a good color for your briefs too.” He grabbed a pair of briefs and held it in the air, stretched it and gave it a judging look. “How about this white one? It’s your favorite, isn’t it?”


“Sehun-ah,” I whined and covered my flushed face with my hand before rapidly walking over to him. I snatched my briefs from his hands, and at the same time in a blink of an eye he yanked my towel and tossed it away.


“Sehun-ah!!” I shrieked and covered my exposed manliness with my briefs immediately, while he laughed his off until he had to clutch his stomach.


“What a cute peepee.”


“Shut up. How naughty you are,” I mumbled as I turned my back to him to put on my briefs. I couldn’t believe he was already torturing me so early in the morning. My face and my ears felt warm and I bet they were as red as a tomato. We had used to take a shower together when we had been younger and when we had still been together, seeing each other , but it had been quite a long time and being exposed in front of him somehow felt different then. What did he actually feel though? Was it only me?


“Wow,” Sehun whistled teasingly, “pretty .”


I pulled my briefs up and spun quickly to give him a weak punch on his chest. That only made him laugh again. “Don’t be embarrassed, hyung. You’re beautiful. Minseok hyung is so lucky to have you.”


We were both quiet for a split second until he turned his back to me and started rummaging through my closet again while commenting about my clothes. Somehow I suddenly became sad seeing him, I wished I could have hugged him and told him what I actually felt.


’No, I was so lucky to have you.’


“Wear these, hyung. You’ll look manly in all-black.”


“huh? Oh. Yeah. They’re nice. Thanks, Sehun-ah.”


I absentmindedly put on each pieces of clothes that Sehun handed to me and checked myself out in the mirror. He had picked black stuff for me; black shirt, black jacket, and black jeans. They made my light brown hair perfectly stand out. I had to admit my little brother had a pretty good taste.


“See? You look handsome. Now let me see.” Sehun stuck his tongue out as he spun me around facing him and began to fix my hair. He even got a comb and brushed my hair with it.


“Do I look okay?” I asked after he was done with my hair, while he sprayed some cologne on me here and there. It was a new cologne that Minseok had bought for me as a complimentary gift. It smelled so good and manly, suited me really well.


“Of course! My hyung always looks good.” He stole a peck on my temple and quickly spun me back facing the mirror. He squeezed my shoulders lightly and smiled proudly at my reflection in the mirror. “Good luck on whatever you plan to do today, hyung.”


There was a glint of sadness in his eyes that I didn’t fail to catch, but he was good at hiding it. Sighing secretly, I turned around and cupped his cheeks in my hands, pulling his head down so I could peck him on the nose.


“Thank you, baby brother. You too, have a nice day with Jongin and Kyungie.” I flashed a sincere smile and he stared down at me with his lips parted slightly in surprise.


“Ah… Right. Jongin and Kyungsoo hyung. I almost forgot. Thank you too, hyung.” He took my hands off his face hesitantly and led me out of my room. Before we could reach the front door though, we were stopped by Mom and Dad, who had creepy smiles plastered on their faces.


“Sehun-ah, let us borrow your hyung for a second.” With that, Mom stole me from Sehun and they dragged me towards the nearest room, which was the guest room. As soon as the door was shut, I crossed my arms and raised an eyebrow at them, while they only returned it with their goofy grins.


“What is it?”


“Is it the time?” Mom asked eagerly, “You’ll do it today?”


I gaped a little before dropping my head and scratching my nape awkwardly. “I don’t know. Please don’t make me nervous, Mom.”


“I’ll support whatever your decision, Son,” Dad said with an understanding smile, “you do what you think is right.” Still with the same smile, he sighed and put his hands on his waist, “Actually I still hope you’d find a girl, but I guess as a good father I should understand my son, no? I’ll let you pick who you want, as long as it’s not a bad person. And,” he flashed a naughty wink, “not in our family too.”


I understood whom he meant was Sehun, but I didn’t feel offended anymore because I was already used to my parents addressing him that way. My brother, my family. I had learnt to accept it.


“Sorry if I disappoint you, Dad,” I smiled apologetically, but Dad shook his head and patted me on the arm.


“It’s okay, we’re proud of you.”


“Good luck for today!” Mom cheered and clapped her hands.


After thanking them and sharing a hug with them, they let me out and return to the front door. I found Sehun still there, but before I could call him, I noticed that he wasn’t alone. The door was opened and I immediately hid when I saw a certain tanned boy jump towards my brother. They hugged tightly and it lasted a little bit too long for my liking.


“Sehun-ah! How are you doing, man?” Jongin laughed and patted Sehun’s back, “What’s with that face? You look like a zombie. As usual.”


I could hear Sehun’s heavy sigh as he let go of his best friend hesitantly. “It’s nothing. Where’s Kyungsoo hyung?”


“There,” Jongin pointed outside. From afar I could see a certain short boy get out of a luxurious black car that was parked in front of the gate. I recognized that car as Jongin’s, but the one who drove that car was always Kyungsoo, his adorable little boyfriend who was actually older than him. Kyungsoo beamed and waved his short arm at Sehun, who returned it with a friendly small wave.


“So where’s Luhan hyung?” Jongin asked with a big smile. Taking it as a chance, I took few steps backward and then walked out of my hiding place as if I had just come there.


“Hey, Jongin-ah!” I put on my best smile, “How long have you been there?”


“Oh, Luhan hyung! I’ve just asked Sehun about you. You come at the right time.”


Kyungsoo came too and all four of us had a little talk for a moment until I felt like I had to go immediately, even though it was still forty five minutes to the time I was supposed to pick Minseok up.


As if Sehun could read my mind, he said, “Hyung, you should go now. You don’t want to be late, do you?”


So I went away and drove off to Minseok’s house. The closer I got there, the more I felt nervous to see him. It was a strange thing that always happened in the past few months, I would get very nervous before I met him, but after I actually saw him and he greeted me normally with a hug and his giggle, I would forget about all my worries and nervousness as I got comfortable around him. The same thing applied to our meet that day.


“Lulu!” Minseok cutely ran towards me from his front porch and threw himself into my arms, hugging my neck as I squeezed him hard and lifted him slightly off the ground, spinning him around a few times. When he was back on his own feet, he giggled and tiptoed to land a shy peck on my cheek.


“You’re thirty minutes early,” he grinned bashfully and rubbed his arm.


Holding my cheek where he had kissed me, I couldn’t help but grin from ear to ear as well. “I’m thirty minutes early but you too are ready to go.” I slung my arm around his shoulders and dragged him back into his house. “Let’s greet your mom first.”


That day Minseok looked simply adorable with black and blue striped shirt and dark blue polka dot jacket covering it. He had also styled up his brown hair, maybe he tried to be manly but I thought he would always be too cute to be manly. I pointed that out to him.


“Minseok-ah, I’m manlier than you.”


“You think so? Let’s find a mirror first before we go.”


Without our knowledge, several houses from Minseok’s house was parked a certain black car with three boys inside, watching everything we had done in front of the gate.





Author’s POV


Inside Jongin’s car, Sehun sank into the front seat as he watched his hyung hug his giggly bun friend and spin him around like a happy couple in a Korean drama. Sitting next to him in the driver’s seat was Kyungsoo, staring into the distance with his big owl eyes while gripping the steering wheel. He shifted his gaze back and forth between the “couple”, the depressed teen next to him, and his boyfriend Jongin, who was sitting at the