Do you know that feeling when things turn out just so different from what you expected and you're just standing there for a second, not quite grasping the situation yet?

Well, that's pretty much sums up my current situation.  Eight hours before I thought my day was going to be the very same as the first school day last year: school, friends, playground, and then part-time job.

School, yes. Friends? Not quite. Chie went home with her boyfriend who picked her up - by the way: when he was standing in front of our classroom, I was already wondering how he could be from this school when they met at the sea far away, when Chie explained that he was a junior at this school and he'd also only been at the sea for vacation, which reminded me of how incomplete our morning talk has been after all.

Megumi was weirdly quiet for the rest of day until she said she couldn't come to the playground because her stomach ached; it surprised me that Chie getting a boyfriend was that depressing for Megu. I'm not even that affected, well not yet. I have a feeling that the consequences will show slowly but have a lasting effect.

But back to my current situation: so I went straight to my part-time job, since everything else I expected didn't come as planned. And what surprise awaits me?

"Ah, Mei, I'm really sorry to say, but we'll sell this place soon because I need money to pay for my mother's hospital fees. And the possible buyer doesn't seem to intend to continue the ice cream business. I think you'll have to find a new job. I'm really sorry, but maybe you could try out the other ice cream parlor in town?"

My inner voice repeats what my boss has just told me few minutes ago again and again as I sit on the bench in front of the ice cream parlor I've been working at for two years. Rather than being annoyed about having to find a new job, I feel sad about this changing as well. Working here had some kind of sentimental value for me, it's been part of my high school life.

The one who will most likely buy it (he already came here and checked all things, the contract will be signed in a few days) wants to make a sushi place out of this, according to my boss. I would have still worked today, if my boss hadn't told me it would be better to quit today. I don't want to burden him, it's understandable that he needs to save money everywhere from now on. He's paid me until  the last time I've worked which is last week. So I wouldn't get the salary of a month but of two weeks. I am okay with it, and before leaving the shop, I wished him and his mother all the best.

And again I feel weird today. I quit this job I've had for two years and I won't get to see the workers and the boss and his wife I've got to see regularly when working anymore. These people won't be part of my life anymore. Just like that, it has happened. Without me having ever agreed to this change.

So here I am now, sitting on this bench, feeling a little dizzy from the from the little sleep I've had (or from everything that's happened today?), and wondering what to do with my life from now on. I kind of feel like laughing at the me from this morning expecting a déjà-vu. I wonder if I could have been more wrong. 

With a shrug of my shoulders I push myself up from the bench, and decide to get myself a drink first and then to stroll through town and look for a new job.As I walk I realize that I rarely go to town by myself, but it's not bad actually. I feel like I am paying more attention to everything because I am not talking and laughing.

There are many kids outside, and I feel this childish envy towards them because they're still so small and don't have to think about life and the future at all. In my mind I can hear our teacher's words from this morning "This year will be a very important year for all of you. It'll decide your future."

I know. Please stop mentioning it. All of you. Parents, teachers, all of them feel like they have to remind us of just how important this year will be for us. Even before spring break the teachers were telling us, during springbreak my parents reminded me. I have understood. I have understood the moment I was told, and yet, I can’t change the fact that even though this year is so damn important I don’t know what I should do differently from last year. I’ve always been doing my best in all my subjects, and I am a pretty good student I’d say, always in the top 20. But at the same time I never had that one thing that totally interested me, where I’d get 100 points all the time. A subject I could not live without. I just … don’t have it. And even despite being a senior now, I still don’t know what I want to study. I don't have anything that's everything to me. I enjoy many things.

It’s ironic, but I feel like I have all possibilities and simultaneously none. Because to me the word “all” says as much as the word “nothing”. I try to think about what I like, but there’s just nothing concrete. I don’t –

A gentle melody