I was still holding his hand like its the end of tomorrow, but it wasn't helping. Tears stinging my eyes. We were still looking up at the autumn shades of the overgrown rubber tree in the backyard of my grandparents house.
I wished he would shake my hand away; because I wouldn't bring myself to take the warmth away. We've been here since arrival; waiting for one of us to give in and pull as apart. Waiting. 
Eating the silence and breathing the emptiness we had between us. 
It was love.
Before.
But now; world knows. 
We were holding hands, as close as the two of us could be. But he wasnt with me. It was amazing how miles and miles have been put between us when our fingers are as tangled as they are. Its hard to explain what I'm gulping down my throat. Guilt, maybe. Because I see how perfect we could have been. 
To wake up to a mug of tea, to spend a day on the couch watching an old movie, to kiss him good morning everyday and night, to share every meal and breath with him and to drown ourselves in love... a million possibilities lied ahead of me, before.
Before when we had a billion and one to tell each other and complain of how time was never enough. When he loved me every minute with a chaste kiss and a hug, when we shared the laughter and the pain. When I watched him watching me, seated somewhere and dozing in our private get away. 
It hurt me how that now; we had all the time in the world; but had nothing to say to each other. Time flies. It flew when I watched us drown in the presence of the other. 
He was the only one who really knew me at all.

And look at me now. Am I just back to who I was before when I had him in my life? Was I this sullen and lonely? Was I this empty and broken?