Part Nineteen

“Everybody has secrets.”

Yoona’s eyes swept the lines on the textbook, dry and sleep-inducing but it was much better to be memorising words than to answer her friend with words. She could feel eyes intensely fixed on her but it was too obvious a trap.

“Im Yoona.”

Accompanying the call of her name was a yellow highlighter, flying at high speed and hitting her square on the shoulders before dropping to her lap. Jinah, or better known as Nana among friends, was giving Yoona the look and she was all too familiar with that.

Spill.

“Yeah, Im Nana?”

“Tell me yours.”

“Secrets? I've got none.” Yoona shrugged and jabbed her finger at Nana’s textbook. “Study, Nana. Even though we’re known as the lazy duo.”

“Why am I even friends with you?”

“Because you like me.”

Flashing a smug grin, Yoona returned the highlighter, throwing it like a dart and hitting the bull’s eye with accuracy that'd shame even the professionals. The subsequent cry of pain and clutching of the nose from her friend drew snickers from Yoona.

“Seriously, the those boys see in you.” Nana rubbed her reddening nose,.“But I’m sure glad that you aren’t looking like it’s the end of the world anymore.”

Only things I want them to see.

The quiet voice echoed in her mind as Yoona’s gleeful laughter halted prematurely and faded into a small smile. “You’re such a drama queen. Why aren’t you in the drama club? They should beg you to join them.”

Nana smirked and flipped her hair with her usual sass. “Too many people at my feet, not their turn yet.” Then, her face straightened, and all traces of humour vanished. “Stop evading my question, you’ve been looking like someone’s died for the past weeks.”

“Love you and your god-awful mouth, Nana.” Yoona dodged the question smoothly and flicked her eraser, ending it with another hit to Nana’s nose.

Several curses later, peace took over for a good while as both of them were drawn into the world of relentless studying. The pressure was on and no one could avoid the looming examinations. Yoona, for all her academically-inclined brain was worth, wasn’t spared either. ‘I'm smart enough, Mom’ didn’t cut it when her mother rained down the concerns and worries. Jessica’s reassurance did, but Jessica was another problem in itself.

The older girl had been smeared with layers of question marks, rolled in a new coat of mystery and finally presented herself as simply Jessica Jung Sooyeon to Yoona. The unnie line had blurred and Yoona was adjusting herself to it: Internal conflicts, confusion and many nights of lying in bed with wide-opened eyes despite the fatigue. This unfamiliar sensation towards Jessica was the newest distraction.

It was kind of scary.

Groaning and closing her notebook, Nana broke the silence, “So... who died? That’s the secret, right?”

Yoona rolled her eyes. “No one, Nana. There’s no secret.”

“There must be a reason to your angsty funeral face. You looked so ing scary. I didn’t even dare to probe.”

Yoona shook her head, dismissing Nana. Her thoughts and emotions were a mess but no matter how much she liked Nana as a friend, she couldn’t share all of that with her. The desire to fit in, to be liked and the fear of judgement and disgust sealed away that part of her. Telling Nana about her feelings towards Jessica was out of the question and too risky.   

Was there even anyone out there she could share this with, now that Yuri was no longer an option?

Seeing Nana’s quirked eyebrows, Yoona immediately dropped her gaze and pretended to immerse herself in studying again. Maybe that would finally deter Nana from digging into this. A heaviness, like a weight on her heart, made it hard to breathe.

Hiding, pretending, keeping herself guarded was tiring. At that very moment, pangs of longing hit her. Jessica-- her safe smile and doting embrace. Yoona could be as ridiculous and childish as she wanted before Jessica, and the older girl wouldn’t mind. Things were stress-free; there were no consequences to think about.

Once again, she was caught between being grown-up Yoona and little Yoongie before Jessica.

A light slap landed on her arm, and questioning eyes bore into her when she looked up. She cursed her body reflex; Nana wasn’t letting her off now.

“Wild guess, Jessica unnie?”

“The books got to your head. It’s got nothing to do with her.”

Nana scoffed, disbelief written all over her face.

“What?”

“You at lying, Yoona. From what I know, chill Yoona is only affected by her Jessica unnie,” Nana spoke with a teasing laugh, but there was a hint of seriousness in her eyes.  

Yoona laughed, genuine enough to appear believable, and with much effort, she finally changed the topic. Some latest scandals and gossips about that new teacher with looks comparable to those of boy groups did the trick.

But she couldn’t dismiss the feelings in her heart. Jessica no longer avoided her, but the hospital continued to keep her busy. Yoona sighed silently and tried to focus on her notes after the short chat with Nana.  

As messages came pouring into her phone every now and then, she hoped that one would start with a letter J. There wasn’t any, just one that popped in from a sender with a letter T.

Tiffany unnie, it said.

***

Contacting Yuri took a lot out of Jessica.

As she stood before Yonsei University, eyes raking over the impressive but foreign architecture, she swallowed nervously.  

I’ll be at the courts, training would’ve ended when you get here.

Her last exchange with Yuri happened an hour ago and it hadn’t hit her then. Now, she felt disadvantaged, because it wasn’t her home ground and there wasn’t anywhere to run.

Taking a deep breath, she walked on. It wasn’t hard to navigate those unfamiliar grounds, she just had to ask a few students but as each step brought her nearer to where Yuri was, the hesitancy grew.

She could bolt, the freaking hospital had been her go-to excuse. But Jessica recalled that night with Yoona, the heartbreak, the guilt and everything in between. Surely, she must right all the wrongs. Or some.

At least, try.

I got this. It’s fine.

“I understand your concern, Yuri. But your seniors are outstanding, the third years especially, they’re really a golden generation.”

“But coach, there’s a way, right? I can improve, I-”

As she approached the hall, Jessica heard Yuri’s voice, slightly muffled, but not enough to cover up the distinct difference from her usual tone. There was a weakness to it. Some cracks, as though panic was seeping out.

“I know you’re under a lot of pressure, Yuri. Jongmin being your father doesn’t help, but-”

“Coach, you know my dad?”

“Yes of course, in fact I’m acquainted with your mother too. We were in the same team for the Games back in the days. I was around for your first birthday, you know.”

The view before Jessica was of a paralysed Yuri and a sympathetic coach patting her shoulder. Everything about the scene was strange. How abnormal Yuri was. How she suddenly seemed entirely out of her element, even though this place was supposed to be just that.

“Yuri.”

The tall girl snapped up, bewildered by Jessica’s sudden appearance.

“Jessica?”

“Yes, it’s me, I texted you, remember? Come on, let’s get out of here.”

Pulling Yuri by her wrist, Jessica marched out of the volleyball court, dragging Yuri behind her. It was instinctive, almost like she knew how the  environment wasn’t doing Yuri any good.

After they’ve covered a good distance, Jessica stopped, dropped Yuri’s hand and smiled. “Tour of Yonsei, please?”

“Oh, sure! Wow, we’ve really walked quite a bit. That’s my dorm, over there.” Yuri was back, as she pointed at a building meters away, but not exactly back.

“Are you okay?”

“Hmm? Yeah, of course.”

“Back there, I overheard…”

Yuri laughed--it was the most forced and ingenuine laugh Jessica had ever heard from the girl. Something, some secret or some unhappiness. There was definitely something hidden underneath those layers. Jessica wasn’t sure if she would like to know that much about Yuri. Especially when Yuri already knew so much about her.

“The players here are great. My seniors, they are so much better. I’m just lucky that peers of my year aren’t that amazing or I wouldn't stand a chance.”

Yuri kept smiling, lips tugged up mechanically with eyes devoid of happiness. It was an ease that was forcibly stuck on.  A fabricated confidence.

They walked on, infrastructure, facilities and random lecturers’ names of Yonsei were a blurry backdrop as Jessica gaze fell on Yuri.

“Sorry.”

Yuri stopped. “What?”

“I’m sorry. For cutting off contact, even though you were worried.”

“Oh.” Yuri was truly back now, and the underlying tension was gone. “It’s fine. I just wanted to know if you were okay.”

“And I’m sorry for dumping all that on you. It wasn’t supposed to happen.” Jessica ran a hand through her hair, before continuing with uncertainty, “Yuri… Forget I ever told you those stuff, okay?”

Yuri had her eyes on Jessica, like she was studying her or looking for something. Jessica didn’t know and didn’t want to know what.

Finally, after a shake of her head and a sigh, Yuri spoke,“I can’t. It’s happened. Things happened and we can’t turn back time, Sica.”

Jessica winced. She caught the hidden meaning in those words and couldn’t stop herself from looking away. Yuri knew too much now and even though she tried to deny it, hide it, or even stomp it out, Jessica could feel it. A bond had been formed since that night. Healthy or otherwise, it would be hard to destroy.

But that m