Part Eighteen

Emptiness. So empty that it was probably possible to hear echoes.

Yoona didn’t want to call out again, although the word unnie tickled . It wouldn’t receive a response. The apartment was deathly quiet, washed in darkness.

Her feet dragged across the floor tiles, guided by the faint glow of the moonlight, she moved through the apartment and couldn’t resist throwing a hopeful look at Jessica’s room. Maybe she was asleep. Yoona held her breath.

“Unnie?”

Silence.

And Yoona refused to wonder anymore.
 

***

It didn’t seem that long ago when Jessica was asleep on the couch waiting for Yoona’s return.

Yoona stared at the note lying in wait for her on the dining table.

She had brushed it off as coincidence initially, but as time passed, it became obvious that it was intentional. The almost disappearance from the apartment, subtle distancing, every little hesitance from Jessica was pushing Yoona nearer and nearer to an explosion.

I have an emergency at the hospital, heat up the food, okay? I’ll be home late. Sleep early, Yoongie.

The ‘unnie’ left at the corner seared into Yoona and rage burst forth.

“Lies!”

Fingers closed in on the note, crumpling it mercilessly before flinging it into the nearest wall. 

Yoona’s gaze was glued to that ball of written concern. Hurt and confused.

Jessica unnie was the last one she expected this from.

In a few steps, she closed the distance. Defeated, she sat on the cold floor and picked up the crumpled note. It was the best she could have from Jessica right now. Smoothing out the note, Yoona read it again and again.

She hated this. Hated how alone she felt. How neglected she was and how Jessica was the cause of all these.

Tears trickled.

“Unnie… Why?”

Again, only silence answered.

Wiping away tears with the back of her hand, Yoona walked to her room and carefully placed the note in a box.

The pile was increasing with each day.
 

***

Yoona stood rooted, unwilling to open the door because she knew what was waiting for her behind the door.

Nothing.

How was Jessica so good at this? Were they even living in the same apartment?

She leaned against the doorframe and let out a shaky sigh.

Just yesterday, she had set the alarm at thirty minutes intervals throughout the night, hoping to spy Jessica’s return. A glimpse would do, Yoona had decided, just a glimpse.

Jessica didn’t return home at all. 

Weeks of this had her swallowed the reality with suppressed bitterness. The last thing she wanted was to question Jessica and be a burden. There must be a reason behind her behavior and another reason why Jessica wasn’t telling her.

Be mature about this, Yoona. Be mature.

She pushed the door open, dropped her bag and walked straight into the showers.
 

***

It was a curse. 

No one took Yoona seriously. By choice or by circumstances. Scratch that. No one older took her seriously. Yuri, her parents, Tiffany, Sunny, even Jessica. Especially Jessica. 


Because I'm Yoona. No, I’m Yoongie.


As though she would never grow up. Yes, it was a curse. A curse to permanently bind her to little Yoongie.


She had been stuck in an awkward spot where she was torn between wanting to stay as that innocent bright child and growing up. But things changed.


Jessica had changed.


Now, Yoona banked it all on Tiffany, the best friend. Desperate measures but Yoona felt herself closing in on that brink and it didn't matter anymore.


The two girls exchanged looks of surprise when they picked out Yoona from the small crowd in the café. She was at their usual table, a bi-weekly routine they established for quite a while now, looking extremely forlorn.


"Yoona?” Tiffany sat down with Sunny beside her, concern lacing her words, “Wow, Yoongie what's wrong? You look terribad."


The distraught look, the timing, this exact spot, everything was planned by Yoona. But they wouldn’t suspect anything because she’s little Yoongie and because Tiffany had such a motherly personality.


Yoona frowned. She had to be absolutely logical and objective right now. To play the pitiable card or the worried card? It had to be executed perfectly. Especially since this staged coincidental meeting provided a correct setting.


No longer the simple child, she had long learnt that people often took what they saw more seriously than what they heard. So she had to let them see it- see this- voluntarily instead of looking Tiffany up.


"Jessica unnie... She-" Yoona broke off, as though she was looking for the correct words.

“Jessica? What about her? What is it, Yoongie?”

“Unnie has been behaving weirdly,” distress permeated Yoona’s tone, it was safest to play a bit of both.

Tiffany cocked her head, curious. Sunny bit back a smart comment. 

“Unnie’s been avoiding me.”

This sentence was met with widened eyes and dramatic gasps of disbelief from Tiffany. Bewilderment from Sunny. It made no sense to them and it made no sense to Yoona either. She didn’t want to resort to this. But desperation brings out the strangest things in people. 

“She’s just really busy, I guess?  You know how crazy the hospital can get. Even Tiffany the slacker has been working hard,” Sunny’s attempt at comfort failed when the doubtful tone stuck out like a sore thumb.

Tiffany stayed silent, creased eyebrows, deep thoughts.

“It’s different,” Yoona’s shoulders dropped with a heave, slumping dejectedly, “I can tell the differences. It’s like she’s hiding something from me and…”

At this instance, words truly failed her when she realized that so many things she was feeling just couldn’t be explained. It was somewhat like an ominous tingle that vibrated through her bond with Jessica. Unexplainable, yet present all the same.

“We’ll sound her out, don’t worry,” Tiffany patted Yoona’s arm when she finally broke her somber look, “Yoona… maybe- nevermind. I’ll update you okay?”

Mission success.
 

***

The unsettling chain of texts was ignited with an innocent “So how’s everything recently?” from Yuri.

Yoona’s lips quirked up as thumbs flew to tap a reply on the screen.

Contact with Yuri had lessened considerably and, at the back of her head, she feared that it would be Sooyoung all over again. This insecurity lingered despite the sporadic messages and infrequent meetups.

Though nothing really prepared her for those subtle yet purposeful questions sneaked into the text conversation.

Been at home much?

How’s Jessica? Been hanging out with her much?

We should meet up.

Why don’t you get Jessica to come along?

The feeling that something was going on bubbled in Yoona. Some sort of ill feeling pooled and surfaced as irritation towards Yuri.

Time ticked by as Yoona stared at her phone. Gut feeling, maybe. Everything Yuri said appeared too purposeful, as though there was some change happening in her.

Anger and resentment poured into her, ran through her veins, feeding her heart. A distaste for Yuri, for everything happening settled on Yoona’s tongue. The putrid flavor of unidentified agony.

Change. Why was everyone changing? Even Jessica, even her.

Yuri had, unintentionally, destroyed the brittle balance.

For the first time since she had known Yuri, Yoona ignored the last few texts messages and threw her phone on the pile of notes she was previously reading.

The frustration only grew when she saw her phone's screen lit up again.

The sender wasn't Jessica and Yoona chose to ignore it and stared at the books on the shelves instead. She had never liked reading much, Jessica did, though. And where the hell was that update Tiffany promised?

Taps on her shoulder snapped her out of that empty daze.

"Hey, Yoona!"

Her eyes focused on the two boys who had appeared beside her suddenly. Their voices low but eyes gleaming.

"Didn't you receive our messages?"

Yoona stared back, blankly, not processing whatever they said. Boy number one Kang Sekyung and boy number two, the taller one, Lee Taewon. It took some time before Yoona pieced everything together. Her phone had been vibrating but knowing that the messages wouldn't be from Jessica, she hadn't bothered.

Some days ago, she had met each vibration of the phone with a thumping heart and hopeful eyes. Now, the fact that Jessica wasn't going to call or text was too glaring to ignore.

"Yeah?"

Without thinking, Yoona shot out the flat single worded reply. She wasn’t in the mood to entertain. All she wished was for something to swat them away with.

"Uh, just wondering, you know. How are you doing...?"

"I’m okay, why are you guys here?"

Their excited reply melted into background noise. A smile was plastered on Yoona’s face but her mind was elsewhere.

Jessica.

The boys that hovered around her were perfect smokescreens, keeping them at just the correct distance was a skill she somehow acquired. Just enough romantic attention from boys to keep more lesbian rumors at bay. The middle school incident ended badly and like a plague, that small but prominent fear followed her.

I'm gay, I’m a lesbian, I don't like boys. Go away.

Yoona suppressed the sigh