Chapter Ten

Hey, Luhan.

I’m writing this because I’m missing you a whole lot, and looking at the pictures we took at the carnival just made me pine for you more. You’re so perfect, wonderful, and amazing. I fall in love with you every time we meet. It’s crazy, but a good kind of crazy.

Remember that day when you asked me how much I love you, and instead of giving you an answer, I just froze and kept quiet until you decided not to probe about it anymore? I felt so bad afterwards. I’d hate myself forever if you think for even just one second that I don’t love you. It’s not like that at all! It’s just that I found it hard to actually put how I feel about you into words, but I’ve had a long, long time to think about it since then, and I think now, I can finally tell you. Okay, so here goes…

I love you enough to fight for you; compromise for you; and sacrifice myself for you if need be.

Enough to miss you incredibly when we’re apart, no matter what length of time it’s for and regardless of the distance.

Enough to believe in our relationship; to stand by it through the worst of times; to have faith in our strength as a couple; and to never give up on us.

Enough to spend the rest of my life with you; be there for you when you need or want me; and never, ever want to leave you or live without you.

I love you this much.

But it took me so long to realize that. For a moment, I was lost. I was so obsessed with chasing my dreams that I couldn’t tell what really matters most in life. I broke your heart as easily as I took it, and I’m sorry for the pain I caused you. Every time I think about it, I want to travel back in time so I can kick myself in the .

When you came back into my life, I didn’t know what to expect. For one thing, I couldn’t imagine you ever forgiving me for what I’ve done to hurt you. Yet, there you were, standing in my room asking me to give you ten more days. You told me you wanted closure, but I realized from the fourth day, that it was me who needed that more. I needed to be reminded of how much you meant to me, and that you’re all that matters. I’m glad you’re back in my arms.

After I found out about your condition, I became mad at God. Why must He try to tear us apart when we’re so deeply in love? It’s not fair. Then I was angry at myself, because if it wasn’t for my selfishness that broke us up, I wouldn’t ever have to deal with such regret. But being angry is not going to make anything better. I don’t know what can, but I promise you; no matter what happens, I will stay with you till the end. You won’t have to be alone. I will be there for you, just like you were there for me during my darkest time.

Everyone deserves someone who makes them look forward to tomorrow, and for me, it was you. You showed me how to find faith and hope even when everything looks bleak. You taught me to be happy and live life fearlessly. Now, I look at the pictures we took and I almost couldn’t recognize the person next to you, for he’s smiling so much and I never used to smile more than I have to. But you just make it so easy, don’t you?

I’ve never seen a real hummingbird before, but that’s okay. Because I have you. You’re my hummingbird. The sole reason I continue to wish for a tomorrow.

Knowing you – and falling in love with you – is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Thank you.

Yours to the moon and back,

Sehun

I broke my promise to Luhan again.

He asked me to be strong, and I told him I would try. But I didn’t. I couldn’t.

He’s gone. He’s really gone.

My ear drums were shattered by the sound of my heart breaking into a million pieces, and everything inside of me just collapsed. I fell to my knees, hitting the cold, hard marble floor, but it didn’t hurt, for the emotional pain had numbed the physical pain.

I left the house after that, without another word to his parents. I decided that I wasn’t in any shape to comfort them on their loss when I was dealing with my own loss too. They needed some time alone to mourn, and so did I. I didn’t know how I managed to drive back home, but I did. And now, I’m lying still on my bed as the pain slams against me over and over again, and the tears continue to flow endlessly.

It is beyond unbearable. Every second is worse than the last. I’d call Kai and the gang to let them know, but I realize that I don’t really want to talk to anyone about Luhan’s death. The only person on my mind – and the only person I really want to speak to right now – is Luhan.

My mum comes into the room and stays there with me for the longest time; all while I press my face into my pillow and weep, my cries sounding like muffled whimpers. She doesn’t say anything, which I’m grateful for. Because at that moment, nothing anyone says or does is going to make it hurt less. They can say how I need to move on, and that it’s not really the end of the world, but that’s just bull. It may not be the end of their world, but it certainly is the end of mine.

“Do you want to be alone, sweetie?” my mum asks, my arm gently. I nod once and she leaves, saying that she’ll be around if I need her. I curl myself up into a ball, clutching the blanket that’s wet with my tears. From the corner of my eye, I see the pictures and the letter sitting on my desk.

Luhan said he wanted to travel around the world, and I told him I would make it happen, someday in the future. It could be a long time from now, but I wanted to see him smile again as soon as possible, so I searched online for photos of some of the world’s most beautiful places, and used Photoshop to edit them so it would look like we were there.

I don’t know what to do with them now that the person I wanted to give them to is no longer around. And thinking about that alone is enough to set me off on another round of tears. Will I ever stop?

“Hey, you should send the pictures to my phone.”

“Why? I thought you said you didn’t like them.”

“I don’t like how I look, but I love how you do, and I want to keep them.”

“Well, okay. Are you sure you aren’t going to use them for something funny?”

“No. I’ll use them to make your wish come true.”

That night, Kai came over. He knocked on my bedroom door twice, both which I ignored, but he came in anyway, bringing a tray of food which I presume to be my dinner.

“I’m sorry, Sehun,” he says, placing it onto my desk, next to the letter, and drags the chair closer to the bed. “I can only imagine the kind of pain you’re going through right now.”

I keep quiet. I’ve spent so much energy crying and feeling depressed that I don’t really have any left for conversation. Kai is known to give up rather quickly, so as long as I ignore him, he’ll eventually leave me to rot in my own salty tears. I just want to die. Alone.

But I’m wrong. He continues to stay in the room with me until I finally give in to exhaustion and doze off. The next morning, I wake up with swollen eyes, and Kai – he’s lying on the floor, asleep and hugging one of my pillows.

I’ve only been to a funeral once, and that was when Luhan brought me.

Luhan’s parents called me a couple of days back, and asked if I wanted to deliver a eulogy for Luhan on his funeral. I turned them down. My mum wanted to know my reasons, and I told her that I didn’t have anything to say, because every single word in my mind is meant for Luhan, and the funeral is not. As Luhan said to me once, funerals are not for the dead. They’re for the living.

I dreaded the day Luhan’s funeral is to be held. I don’t particularly want to be there when they lower his coffin into the ground, and I especially don’t want to be there when his friends and family talk about what a wonderful person he is and how he will surely be missed. I know how wonderful he is, and I know I’ll miss him. I just don’t want to be reminded that I’ve lost such a great person from my life.

My friends are already there when my parents and I arrive at the burial ground. They smile sadly as I walk past them – even Chanyeol, who is frowning grimly – and head towards the coffin to take one last look at Luhan’s handsome face. He looks so peaceful and at ease, like he’s only deep in slumber. All the feelings are rushing back to me and I bite onto my lip hard, trying to keep from crying. He doesn’t have to suffer from pain anymore. He’s free.

Carefully, I reach into my pocket and take out the folded envelope containing the pictures and letter, and place it among the flowers arranged beautifully on the coffin; I want him to have them. The top half of the coffin is open so that I could easily reach in and touch him, so I do just that. I trace my finger along his face, watching as a tear falls just a little under his left eye, and whisper, “I love you, Luhan. I always will.” Then I smile at him one last time before I walk back to where my parents and friends are.

“Today, we are gathered here to…”

I completely zone out the entire time the minister is talking. And after that, one by one, a few people are called up to talk about Luhan. As much as I tried to keep the words out of my head, I couldn’t. Bits and pieces of their speech still manage to reach my ears, telling me th