[Lay POV]

“Good afternoon, Mr. Zhang. Here for a check up again?” The nurse tells me, a kind smile plastered on her face, like everybody else in this hospital. Sometimes, I think it’s funny how fake they can be, always, always smiling, even though they know that in front of them lies a living, walking corpse. But I guess it also makes my heart warm, at how dedicated they are into not letting us notice.

Not letting me notice…

Too bad, I already know.

“Yes, umm, I have an appointment with Dr. Kim?”  I say, putting on that smile I’m never sick of showing. I always smile… because I feel thankful.

Thankful for the little life I have left…

The nurse skims through her file. “Oh, Dr. Kim from the oncology department?  Please wait a while.” She connects through to his office and tells me to go ahead. I look down at the polished marble floors, hear the bustling of the people around, and position myself in the waiting line for the elevator. This familiar scene, this strong antiseptic scent… I wonder for how long I can continue to feel it.

I reach his room… again, it’s crowded with people. I chuckle at his popularity and admire his talent. I sit in a corner of his office where I spot a little boy staring at me. I smile and wave at the little kid in a wheelchair at the far corner and wonder, when will I be like that? Strapped to machines with barely any life left?

Finally, it was my time to go into the office. What welcomes him inside is a tired, worn out young doctor, who looks sicker than he was. The room was as plain as ever, a few action figures on his cabinet and a cute pororo plushie on his desk. Dr. Kim has always been the cute kind of guy having all these toys, but knowing him, it may be for kids like the one outside.

“Good day Mr. Zhang.” He smiles like an angel, despite the weariness on his face. “What seems to be the problem today?”

“Well, a few days ago… I drank some alcohol with a friend… and I’ve been having some problems.” I say.

He frowns. “Mr. Zhang, I told you to avoid alcohol…” He reaches for my records and scribbles some things into his notepad.

“I’m sorry doc, I just couldn’t avoid it that time…” I smile towards my feet. I couldn’t bear to let Kris know of how I am. Of how I really am…

Just a rotting piece of flesh…

“Mr. Zhang…” Dr. Kim says and I turn to face him. “Do you trust me?”

“…Yes” I answer.

He holds my hand and pierces me with one of the strongest gazes I’ve seen. “If you really trust me… then stop thinking that you’re going to die.”

I look back at him, shocked.

“I don’t think I…”

“You do, Mr. Zhang. I see it all over your smile. Please, we’ve had this talk a dozen times. What are you supposed to call me?” The doctor squeezes my hand. I’m still amazed at how he can just see through me.

“Suho.”

“That’s right, Suho. I’m your guardian. So as long as I’m here, you don’t have to be afraid. Ok?” The doctor says, smiling his usual smile. His smile, that unlike the rest of them, looks so genuine I feel like I have a chance at actually living.

If it’s him, I can live.

I can have a reason to live.

I smile back, tears welling up in my eyes. I can’t believe how much trust I have in this man. Despite having lost all hope, I still cling to this small light. Once again, I’ve regained my will to live, even if it’s just for one more day when I can see his smile.

As the session moves along, the doctors’ phone on the table vibrate and he answers with ease. Not planning to eavesdrop, I focus my attention on the pororo plushie on his table. It looks pretty worn out, like it had been used a lot.

“Sorry, Mr. Zhang. Can I take a moment please?” I look back at Suho. He’s pinching the space between his eyebrows, elbows on the table. He looked so so stressed. And truth is, I wish to help him out, even just a little.

But really what can I do.

I want to reach out and pat his head. I want to tell him “It’s ok.” I want to console him and comfort him.

I want to share in his feelings.

But I simply sat there, staring at the pororo plushie like it was the most interesting thing in the world. In the end, I never did reach out. I never did say any encouraging words. I never did try to console or comfort him. I never did share in whatever it is he felt.

It’s just that I want to be seen as his equal, as his companion, as his friend.

But I guess that’ll never happen.

As I sat there in silence, Dr. Kim immediately went back into business. Asking me questions, looking at his files, jotting down notes. And finally, the session comes to an end. I pick up the courage to take a step forward and ask for his number.

“Sorry… Mr. Zhang.” He smiles back, the same sincere smile. “But I can’t give out my number. If you need to contact me, please do so with my secretary.”

I smile back, knowing. “No problem doc, I’ll be seeing you”

I knew it from the start, but I couldn’t help for hope just a little bit that somehow he could see me as a companion. I wanted to share in his problems to relieve him.

But I guess I got too much problems on my own.

A/N: Oncology = Cancer department