[SEHUN POV]

I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for 2 years now. But it feels like he doesn’t love me, as if I’m just a plaything that he plays with sometimes. But I love him. Or at least I think I do. And I’m glad he makes the effort to come back to me, to indulge me, even for just a little while. It makes me happy. Happy to know that someone loves me. Even just a little bit.

But it’s not enough.

I need support. I need attention. Someone to lean on. Someone to depend on. And I know deep inside that it won’t be Luhan. The realization makes me sad and angry with myself.

So I tried. Tried to look for something… someone else, with a different smell, a different voice and a different touch.

Sometimes, I feel this sudden pang of loneliness, and the first time it happened, I went to a party, got piss drunk and woke up the next day in some strangers’ room. I shuffle around, picking up my clothes and dressing up in the process, strangely aware that the night’s partner is no where to be found. I went my way out carefully to what I assumed would be the front door, until a voice spoke behind me…

“Where are you going? Sehun-ah?”

And that’s where I met him, Huang Zitao. I almost dropped everything and ran because, hello I slept with mr. murderer. But he shoved a pancake to my face and hey, he must be a good man despite his looks because no bad man would give out free food. Free food.

I find out that he’s my biology classmate, and since then we’ve been going to and fro the class together. We chose to become lab partners and I laugh at his antics.

“Sehun-ah! Help me get the flasks from the storage room please!” He pleads like a little boy wanting some ice cream.

“Sehun-ah! Come with me to the washroom!” He needs someone to hold his hand always. “They say there are ghosts there!” And is terrified of ghosts.

I laugh at him most of the time but can’t seem to get away from his cuteness. He’s like a magnet, like gravity. It’s almost a sin how natural it is to fall by his side.

With more time spent with him, the more I know about him. I learn that he looks frightening at first, but is apparently an actual softie inside. He cries at the sight of cockroaches and did wushu for 7 years. He loves taking selcas and walking by the seaside. He’d take pictures of cute stuff and post them on instagram. He has a stuffed dog he’s named baby. He’s just so adorable.

I wish I could keep him.

He joined my dancing club soon after and we’ve been inseparable ever since. We’re together most of the time at school. And it’s become normal, but we fool around too. I’ve never been like this with Luhan. And I don’t know, but I feel as if I’m getting used to it. All the attention he gives, all the love he pushes on me.

I feel as if I’m starting to desire him more.

His smell. His voice. His touch. It’s all too addicting. I can’t get enough of it.

But as I wait for Luhan again, at our usual meeting place, I know that me and Tao will never work out. Because I have Luhan. Because I love Luhan.

Besides Tao is…

I look out the window, the ice clinking in my milk tea as it melts. And I spot him. Spot them. And I’m reminded why we’ll never work out. The name of that reason is Wu Yi Fan. The reason why I can only hang out with Tao inside the university. Why that time at the party was only a one time mistake. Why I can touch him, but never have him as mine.

I can’t get enough of him, but it feels like he’s had enough of me.