Siwon could probably be called “a man of conflicting emotions”. He was apprehensive about his stand to go and visit his ailing ex-girlfriend even when his best friend had done whatever he could to convince him. But then again if he ever were to ‘really’ and ‘truly’ move on from his troubled past, he thought that it’d be best to give it a shot no matter how nerve-wrecking it was. And then there was his confession to Kyuhyun which he had decided to make this evening. All of which in a nut shell, summed up into a colossal train wreck of a nervous breakdown that even his boss had a hard time refraining from blowing his top at him during an important meeting. Siwon couldn’t think straight and it seemed like his thoughts were all over the place, straying and disorderly. Hence he had requested his boss for a sick leave and left the office early. Well lets just say that his boss was more than willing to grant him a two-day leave just so he could get his act together at work but he deemed that a day should more than suffice.

It was 4:30 p.m. And it was much too early to be going home without arousing suspicions. He knew that his mom would unleash a series of queries about his general well-being like a carpet bomber. And he wasn’t exactly in the mindset to handle it. Hence with nothing much useful left to do till the evening, he had decided to kill time by paying a visit to Seoul National Hospital, to visit Jessica. After all, he wouldn’t want to miss out on “the most important evening” in his life for the world, the day when everything he had wished for would finally and hopefully come true at the rink. The hospital was a 10 minute walk away from his office and on the way he spotted a florist selling fresh flowers. He decided that it was only appropriate to bring a bouquet instead of showing up empty handed. He bought a bouquet of beautiful yellow magnolias and even bought half a dozen apples and oranges.

He had not planned to stay there for long as the mere thought of meeting up with her suffocated him. And to top it all off, she was in poor health, meaning she had high chances of seeping into his skin. Siwon found himself crude and heartless at that thought. He cursed himself and slapped himself mentally to snap out of it before he lost it completely.

What am I thinking? She just wants to see me after a long time!

For God’s sake Siwon, she isn’t gonna try and sleep with you! Yeesh!

He stopped at the door step of the multi-specialty hospital. The place was huge and had scores of patients with varying illnesses thronging it like flies to a lamp, figuratively! But that didn’t mean the numbers were getting any lesser and Siwon couldn’t help but feel shivers running down his spine as he watched people in pain, crying and clinging on to the last ray of hope to keep their loved ones alive. With a heavy heart, he dutifully dropped his office bag off at the security counter before heading towards the reception counter to ask for Jessica’s whereabouts. The pretty receptionist flashed him a dainty smile and guided him efficiently through the corridors. The smell of a combination of rubbing alcohol and an assortment of medicines welcomed his senses as she stopped at the front of a particular room and opened the door.

The smile that greeted him immediately made him feel like he had gone down memory lane way back to his “wild” college days. The smile that made him fall head over heels, the smile that made him feel a thousand butterflies fluttering merrily inside his stomach and finally the smile that was all but fake and dashed his hopes mercilessly and let him plummet into a fathomless pit of despair. And as soon as that thought crossed in his mind, he remained stoic and unfaltering.

“Hey …its been long. Siwon!” she said.

“Hey, you said you wanted to see me”, was his reply. To her right, he could see a frail looking old woman with thinning hair and wrinkles around her eyes. He could see faint traces of Jessica in her that he swore that if he ever had the chance to see Jessica 10 or 20 years from now, she would look exactly like her. The old woman approached him with a faint smile and ushered him in. She took the bouquet from him and gently placed it at the corner of a table beside the bed and kept the bag of fruits beside it.

“Its good to finally see you Siwon. Jessica has told me everything about you when you two were dating. Even now she never fails to mention you. Always talks about you….” Siwon was struggling to maintain composure as the last thing he’d ever wanted to reminisce was his brief stint as Jessica’s boyfriend. Just when he thought he would never hear the end of it, he heard Jessica clearing signalling her mother to stop.

“Um…Mama, I would like to spend some alone time with Siwon, if you don’t mind. Why don’t you go and join Papa for tea at the cafeteria?” she said politely.

“Alright. You two must have a lot of catching up to do”, she said and exited the room leaving them alone. An uncomfortable silence prevailed in between as both were struggling to say the first words to break the ice.

“So…um….how are you getting along?” Siwon managed to ask.

“There’s nothing much that can be done here. They’re suggesting I go abroad if I ever want to live.” Jessica said with an apologetic smirk.

“I …am….I’m sorry to hear that…”Siwon said.

“Alright..enough about me! Tell me about you. How’s life going for you?” she asked with fervour.

“Wh..me? Well…” as he began he saw a doctor pass them by.

“How’s he doing doctor?” Jessica asked suddenly ignoring Siwon for the time being. That left him puzzled as concern was evident in Jessica’s tone of voice.

“Oh…well..he seemed to be increasingly agitated and he needed rest badly. I’ve sedated him and now he is sleeping. Anything concrete can be said only after his reports Ms.Jung.” the doctor said. Siwon was wondering who exactly it was that both of them were talking about and decided to ask Jessica about it once the doctor left.

“And how’re you today Ms.Jung?” he asked.

“Feeling better, much much better!” she said as her gaze was fixated on Siwon who was more enamoured by the swirling patterns on the tiled floor.

“So…A friend of yours?” he asked referring to an oblivious Siwon. However as Siwon just managed to snap out of it and began introducing himself, Jessica took over unceremoniously saying “Oh yes! He and I go way back.”

Clearing his throat, he stood up and shook hands with him introducing himself.

“I am Choi Siwon. I am Jessica’s college mate.” He said.

“Oh is that so? This is how friends should look out for one another. Its sad that I don’t get to see this happening nowadays. Nowadays people are so caught up at work that they don’t have time to bond over lost friendships. Anyway, I’d better go for my rounds. Take care” he said and smiled at Siwon before heading out.

Jessica, on the other hand, could sense Siwon’s uneasiness. She felt that he was trying his best to not look her in the eye as if he’d been the one who had wronged her when actually it was the other way around. This impromptu meeting at a hospital was certainly taking a toll on him but nevertheless Jessica let herself admire Siwon absentmindedly. He was still just as handsome, just as endearing. It was a while later that he actually opened his mouth to say something.

“So…..ugh…who was it that the doctor was talking about?” he asked.

“What?” Jessica was caught off guard by the question and so Siwon had to repeat himself, looking at anything and everything but her. She was guilty as charged. She admitted that. But she couldn’t help but feel offended by Siwon’s gesture. After all, the least that he could do was carry out a normal conversation with her instead of treating her like a total stranger.

her lips, she blinked twice before saying “Oh the patient on the other bed! A cute boy though! He seemed to be sick, too sick in fact. He was coughing non-stop till the doctor arrived.”And Siwon nodded in acknowledgement. He felt apologetic for whoever was suffering on the other side of the curtain and prayed that he would recover soon.

“Siwon you don’t have to torture yourself like this. I cant see you punish yourself by coming here. Its better if you leave and put yourself out of this misery if you’re planning to alienate yourself from me.” Jessica said and her voice quivered involuntarily. It was then that Siwon felt pathetic for being unnecessarily rude to her, especially when she was in such a condition.

“I am sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you. Its just that….*sigh* it’s just that I’ve been victimising myself and holding you responsible until now. And now, seeing you like this, I cant help but feel queasy. I don’t know what I should feel anymore or how I should react!” he sighed heavily and sank back in his chair.

“I thought you were happy with your boyfriend out there somewhere, partying, having the time of your life while I was wallowing in self pity, barely hanging in there!” he continued while raking his hair.

“It was all my fault. I never learnt how to treasure you. That was my biggest mistake that’s gonna cost me my life.” Jessica said with a sniff.

“I’m sorry….I’m sorry…”Jessica constantly chanted and Siwon didn’t know what to do except console her. He stood up and embraced her awkwardly and she snuggled into it comfortably.

“Its ok…….shhhh….its alright! Don’t cry” he said.

Suddenly they heard the door open and close immediately after. Siwon managed to take a glimpse of the person’s back before it disappeared behind the door. The young boy must have woken up and left. His attention again back to Jessica, he said “What has happened, no one can revert it! And I think its best not to drag this anymore. I forgive you Jessica. I forgive you. Now please don’t cry.”

“Stay with me.” He heard her say next.

“What?” he asked to clarify.

“Just stay by my side. Please Siwon.” She pleaded as more tears made their way down.

She just needs someone for moral support. I think it wouldn’t hurt to start anew.

“Alright, I…..I will stay.” He said.

She straightened herself up, wiped her tears away and said “So….friends again?” and extended her hand for him to take.

“Friends it is…” Siwon said and took her hand in his.

~~~~~~

Kyuhyun woke up in a daze after the effects of the sedation wore out. He realised he was lying flat on a hospital bed. That reminded him immediately about the fact that Siwon was here, visiting his ex on the other side of the curtain. For a long time, he couldn’t hear anything. Neither of them spoke and he was dying to hear what Siwon was going to say. He wanted to find out if Siwon still thought of her, thought of reuniting with her.

I must be paranoid! He’s just here for a visit!

He’s moved on. I just know he’s moved on for good!

 That’s when he heard Siwon asking about the patient that the doctor had mentioned earlier. Jessica replied to him. And then there was a lot of crying and consoling taking place in there that Kyuhyun couldn’t help but feel oddly placed. Siwon was apologising as well and with such considerate tone of voice was consoling her, embracing her tight in his arms that Kyuhyun felt instantly left out. He had fantasised that one day he’d be able to revel in Siwon’s warm embrace like that. He wished instantly that it was him in his arms and not Jessica. When everything got too much for him, he stood up and dashed out before anyone could notice him. His eyes teared up and his lips quivered as he sobbed and leaned over the closed door. He cursed himself for being emotionally attached to him.

“Just stay by my side. Please Siwon.” He heard Jessica say.

“Alright….I…I will stay.” He heard Siwon reply. And that did the trick. He left the hospital even forgetting to collect his culture reports that the doctor was supposed to give him after the consultation. As he stepped out, he didn’t mind that he got wet from the rain. He just wanted to get out from there as soon as possible.

~~~~~~

“When are they discharging you?” he asked.

“Tomorrow. Then I’ll have to come here every other day for check up.” Jessica said.

“I see…So where do you plan on taking your treatment from?” he asked.

“I am planning to go to the U.S. My uncle stays there. He has asked around for some of the best doctors there and I guess…that’s where I’ll be for a while” she replied.

“So…tell me. What’s been up with you lately?” Jessica asked.

“What’s been up!? Well, let’s see. I go to my office every weekday and come back home at 7 in the evening” Siwon replied. It sounded as if that’s the only thing that he hopes to live for his entire life. It made him sound like a sorry, sad and a pathetic little old wiener devoid of social life.

“Have you found anyone?” she asked out of the blue.

“Huh??”

“Are you seeing someone?” she asked again.

He wasn’t sure if things were so peachy between them as to bare open every tiny little nuance of his life. But he didn’t want to deny either.

“I am kinda interested. Don’t know if the person feels the same about me” he said.

“Wow….so when are you gonna find out? Confess, I mean” she asked and Siwon slightly fidgeted in his seat. Noticing that Jessica quickly stopped prying information from him. It was evident that Siwon was only getting used to this whole ‘forgive and forget’ thing. So she tried taking it slow from the beginning.

“Well look at the time! I must be on my way home.” Siwon said as he saw Jessica’s parents coming in.

“Can I see you again?” she asked as Siwon choked on his own saliva.

“I’ll ……see what I can do.” He said curtly.

“Tell your parents my regards as well” Just when Jessica said that, Siwon became tight lipped making a mental note to never mention anything about this meeting to his mom, even by accident. After all, even the mention of Jessica’s name made her flip out and Siwon didn’t think he could handle it.

“Its raining cats and dogs out there! Why don’t you stay till it stops?” Jessica’s dad suggested.

But of course, all that Siwon wanted to do right now was to head back home, freshen up and go to the rink to make his fateful confession. Even thinking about it excited him and now he was getting irritated at these people for making him stay.

“No I really need to be going. I have an umbrella with me here, so don’t worry. I’ll get going then.” He bowed and left.

Knock Knock…

Who’s there?

Donghae….

Donghae who?

The one whom you were supposed to give credible story space. Author-nim!

No need to feel itchy, fish face, you’ll get them damn dialogues in the next chappie. Now quit eating my brains and go bother monkey-boy over there! Shoo…..

Well heyya there! More drama, more melodrama and some more tear jerking updates await you all. Stay tuned! Tell me what you think so far too! Love ya!