It's been a year! Sowwy!

22 January 2014

      "What do you mean?" Kris was the first one to break the silence. Kai stayed quiet for a long time before he settled on the couch beside Sehun.

      "It was last year, when we were cycling around the Han River one evening. I said those words to him for the first time when he fell from his bike - what you see may not necessarily be what it seems. I told him to hitch a ride on my bike, and... it was meant to be more than just a friendly gesture on my side -"

     "Wait, what?" Chanyeol interjected, eyes widening in shock. This was the first time anyone heard about Kai's feelings towards Kyungsoo. He never told anyone except Kyungsoo anyway, so the look on every body's faces were just pure confusion, and some 'amusement'. "You like him that way, Jongin?" Xiumin asked, a blank expression on his face.

     "Yeah," Kai replied shyly, not meeting anyone's eyes. He knew that some of them would be judging him oddly if he simply blurted out his feelings months back. Kyungsoo might not like it too, so he took it upon himself to keep everything a secret. The current situation, however, gave him no choice. Just like everyone else, he wanted Kyungsoo to come back safe and alive. It didn't matter anymore if people knew he was gay. Let them judge. Let them think. His feelings for Kyungsoo would remain the same.

     "Well, this doesn't really tell us if Kyungsoo is alive though," Suho spoke first, looking at the letter. All of them sighed, wondering how many more secrets of the past were still hidden within the group. Finding out that Kai was gay was nothing big, because everyone wondered why he never paid much attention to women, even when they had to socialize on TV. Discovering that Kyungsoo may or may not be dead for reasons unknown was too much of a blow to deduce anything about these mysterious notes right now.

     They had to wait a little longer, hoping for another note to slide under their door soon.

     It came five days later.

===XOXOXOXO===

27 July 2013

     "Kris, why are there laws in a country?" Kyungsoo's sudden inquire made the Chinese leader drop the bowl of cereal in his hands and it crashed to the floor messily, spilling milk and soggy cereal all over. Damn, was all he muttered before picking up the empty plastic bowl. Kyungsoo came in with a mop by then, his motherly instinct taking charge as he started to clean the mess.

     "I'm sorry, Soo. I wasn't paying attention with anything earlier. It's not just you."

     Kyungsoo's shoulders drooped slightly, but the small smile on his face didn't falter. "It's okay, duizhang. We should shop for groceries today since we're free. I think we ran out of milk."

     "Let me grab my wallet."

     Kris was inclined to pay for the grocery that day, since it was his fault for wasting the last bowl of milk. He grabbed his coat, and Kyungsoo's one too, still feeling a little guilty for what he did earlier. The smaller male was done cleaning by then, so they headed out together, Kris's hand automatically snaking its way into one of Kyungsoo's coat pockets because it was already a habit by then. He always walked with one hand wrapped around Kyungsoo's when they go out together. Kyungsoo never minded the skinship much because he loved all the guys equally, so he allowed his hand to be held, large fingers wrapped around his smaller ones, and it was warm.

     Winter was coming soon. The winds were picking up lately.

     "Tell me something I don't know, Soo. You read a lot these days." It was one of the traits he admired about himself - the ability to observe s well. Suho had been training him to observe a lot of things lately, and Kyungsoo, even in his quiet demeanor most of the time, was more interesting to watch than the younger three dongsaengs - Kai, Sehun and Tao.

     The younger male talked about a recent book he read, while Kris silently watched the movement of his lips.

     Kyungsoo was a puzzle he wanted to understand, a face he wanted to embollish in his mind. His was a beautiful mix of taboo and a sweet escape; of an impure thought and a guilty pleasure; of what's horribly right, yet amazingly wrong. Kris didn't know any other word to describe this, but he wanted Kyungsoo in ways that should hold him a sinner, but at the same time, he felt it was only because Kyungsoo had such an exquisite look which could surpass him as an angel and Kris was merely admiring it.

     He knew he was heading into dangerous grounds when he decided to give fate a try.

     What if they ended being together? Was that even possible in an enclosed, conservative Korean society today? Back in Canada, he would not have hesitated to pour out his thoughts and feelings to Kyungsoo, since he rarely preferred to keep secrets to himself. But here, there were too many restraints, too many judgemental looks that he'd rather avoid.

     But then Kyungsoo had to go and give him that brilliant smile of his, and Kris's heart was thrown into a whirlwind again. Unsure. Tempted.

     "What's bothering you, hyung? You've been oddly quiet for the last ten minutes. We're here already by the way, if you didn't notice," said Kyungsoo, smirking slightly. He released Kris's hold from his hand and casually strolled into the supermarket, not bothered to wait for the older male. Kris went in after him, counting up to 50 in his head, waiting for his heart to stop beating so fast.

     "We'll be needing ketchup and milk. I think we need to spend lesser on cereal since you guys eat too much of it. We should get some meat for tonight and maybe I'll make kimchi jjigae." Kyungsoo chirped, merrily passing through every section with ease while Kris tagged along behind him, looking like a wreck.

...45...46...47...48...49...50...

     "What are you mumbling about, hyung?" Kyungsoo suddenly asked, and Kris realized that they were standing in front of the meat section.

     The basket was too full of stuff by then, and Kris wondered how much he'll need to pay for all these, but his eyes were fixed on Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo looked a little concerned, tilting his head slightly as if the answer to Kris's odd silence could be seen in his nostrils (or that's what Kris thought) but then he found nothing on the taller male's face to indicate anything so he ended up asking instead, "Are you okay, Kris?"

     The sudden mention of his name got Kris into overdrive again, and before he knew it, his lips were locked against Kyungsoo's soft plush ones. His mind drew a long blank; sort of like a TV reception gone wrong. Kyungsoo's large owlish eyes became wider when he realized the position they were in; when his head finally registered the kiss.

     It was a short one, though it felt like an eternity for Kris.

    When the blonde male pulled away, he noticed the slight blush on Kyungsoo's cheeks. He also noticed three elderly women standing behind Kyungsoo, staring at them with their mouths wide open. Society would be cruel to people like him if he doesn't thread carefully next time.

    "Sorry Soo, I saw some cookie crumbs on your lips and I thought I'd wipe it off for you," he stuttered, clearing his throat loudly before taking the basket from Kyungsoo. "Let's pay for these."

     Kyungsoo could only nod, following closely behind Kris, while seemingly trying to ignore the glaring eyes on his back. He didn't know what to make of the leader's action, but there was definitely no cookie crumbs on his lips. He didn't even eat cookies this morning. He had cereal and huckleberry juice. 

===XOXOXOXO===

27 January 2014

Mr. K,

     39...40...41...42...43...44... here's what I know about all those things I've read in the past. Do you know why laws have to be abide? Do you know why it bears so much weight on how society should act and why we couldn't do certain things in our lives even though it promotes the idea of freedom and unity? It feels like a hypocripsy, really, that we're not free to choose the ones we love simply because of gender restraint. Where's the unity in that? It's not wrong for the law to dictate how society should act, but it's not always fair. I realize now that it's not the law that should be blamed.

     It's the society. Ultimately, they're the ones who call the shot. This is hypocripsy at its best, for we are part of that same society, and we've shun those who think the same way as I do now. ...45...46...47...48...49...50... has your heart stop beating yet?

     This was by far the longest note they'd received thus.

     "What is this about, Jongin?" Suho asked, looking at Kai. The younger boy returned a small shrug, obviously clueless about this recent note.

     That was when Kris spoke up, "Kyungsoo asked me why we have laws in a country once, and I couldn't answer him. It was too early for smart questions like that anyway, so the subject was dropped before I could even say anything. I also dropped the bowl of cereal that I had in my hands. We walked to the supermarket after that and I guess... I might have kissed him there while we shopped."

     "You MIGHT have?!" Suho gasped, and Baekhyun dropped the glass of cold water in his hand. It shattered into pieces when it hit the ground; no one made any move to clean it. Everyone else were equally shocked by this news, but Jongin was frozen in his spot, sporting a hurt look on his face. Kris saw it in an instant, and he immediately felt bad for bringing up the kiss.

     "What the hell is going on around here nowadays?! It's like I don't even know any of you anymore, with all these secrets up your sleeves." Xiumin angrily exclaimed, slamming a fist on the coffee table. 

    "Care to explain, Kris?" Suho then asked the blonde leader, in which he only shrugged in reply. "Alright, let me get this straight... we now know that Jongin had feelings for Kyungsoo, and if we add Kris into this messed up love triangle they're having, it still doesn't tell us who Mr. K is, nor does it tell us whether Kyungsoo is alive or dead. There's no point deliberating on the past unless one of you..." He pointedly glared at the both of them. "...knows where to find him, now is the perfect time to kick start those rusty gears in your head. Is there any indication from these letters to show where we could find Kyungsoo?"

     Kris and Kai glanced at each other, speechless.

     "What if it's just a prank? What if... someone's toying with us?" Baekhyun spoke out, garnering everyone's attention.

     "We don't know that yet, so we can't assume otherwise."

     "Yeah, but I feel as though these letters are just keeping us in a loop. We have no lead as to Kyungsoo's whereabouts, the whole world thinks he's dead, we have a concert coming up, and now we're fighting amongst each other. What if someone's deliberately sending those letter to break us apart?"

     Baekhyun's words stung deep into everyone's hearts. SIlence befell upon them once more.

     "Baek... are you suggesting that we give up on Kyungsoo then?" Chanyeol asked, tears welling up in his eyes.

     "I can't give on him." Jongin then added, venom laced in his voice. "He's a family to all of us, he loves us as much as we love him. Would you ever give up looking for someone you love? I'm sure if Kyungsoo was here right now, he'd say the same thing as me."

     "Then what do you suggest we do, Jongin? I don't see any progress being made." Lay remarked.

     "I suggest... we go through those letters. There should be a clue somewhere, if we put our feelings aside." The last part had been directed towards Kris, who only looked solemn.

     They brought out all the other letters from Suho's room, laying them down on the coffee table in the chronological order of the date mentioned in each letter. 

     The first one came on January 4th, 2014. It was two weeks before the body was found in the basement level, a week after Kyungsoo's disappearance. The letter seemed to indicate that something bad had happened. It was odd that Kyungsoo would ask for forgiveness if he was presumed dead by then, as if he had been the one to bear the dirty deed. The next letter came on January 17th, 2014. four days before the body was found. Everyone thought it was addressed to Kris because up until Kyungsoo's disappearance, they had been sharing a room. 

     January 21st was the day the body was discovered. The day Kyungsoo supposedly died.

     The next day, a letter was addressed to Jongin. 

     Or was it? 

     The guys began to doubt Jongin's claim, since the words were so vague Kyungsoo could have applied it generally. It could have been for anyone, everyone. Kris tried not to let his inner demon squeal out because he saw how badly Jongin was affected after the others told him about their doubts. The moved on to the last letter, dated January 27th, 2014, five days after the last one. 

     Looking at all these letters, there wasn't a common ground that could be drawn, except for the fact that all four letters were addressed to Mr. K and the similar handwriting belonging to Kyungsoo. So far, they portrayed mostly of the sender's recollection of the past - bringing back lost memories and displaying regret. Kris felt as though the letters were meant for him, because they shared memories that others knew naught of. 

     "Guys, lemme look at that again." Kris said, reading through all four once more. 

     There was something odd about the handwriting, the way some letters looked slightly bolder than the rest, as if more emphasis were placed on them to relay a hidden message that only someone close to Kyungsoo would realize...

.... something that Kris recalled to be one of Kyungsoo's writing 'habits'. 

===XOXOXOXO===

3 August 2013

     "Soo, what are you doing?" Kris had asked, watching his dongsaeng from the bed, while Kyungsoo busied himself at the study desk. His pen moved across the paper with amazing speed, occasionally stopping at certain letters to trace it again. Kris thought that maybe the pen was running out of ink, so he sacrificed his own pen, quietly placing it beside the paper.

     "Use this, there's still a lot of ink inside." 

     Kyungsoo gave him a cheeky smile, before switching his pen with Kris's. "Thanks, hyung."

     "Yeah, no problem. What are you writing anyway?"

     "A story."

     Kris's eyebrow did a tick, mouth drawn in a thin line. "I didn't think you'd be the type to write stories." He leaned over Kyungsoo's head, trying to see what was written, and noticed the way some letter were bolded. Curious, he asked, "Why did you make these letters so thick? Was it the pen?"

     Kyungsoo slowly shook his head. "What you see may not necessarily be what it seems. The words I want to express is hidden in these letters, duizhang." 

     "What do you mean? Did Jongin teach you to write like that?"

     "No,he didn't." Kyungsoo sighed, suddenly pushing his chair back so Kris had to jerk away. "I'm starting to feel tired, hyung. Can we go to bed now?"

     "Sure, let me just turn off the lights."

     While Kris shuffled across the room to where the swtich was, he heard the rustle of pillows being fluffed and blanket being spread out from behind. He knew these quiet rustlings by heart, because Kyungsoo always fluffed his pillow first before slipping under the covers, while Kris always crossed the room to turn off the light. He also knew where to avoid ramming into the younger's bed after turning off the lights. Those few seconds of blindness burned brightly in his mind, so aware of the other male in the same room.  

    Much to his surprise, however, he was met with a small yelp when he finally stumbled into his comfy fortress of pillows. "K-Kyungsoo?! What are you doing in my bed?"

     "Can we just sleep together tonight?"

     Kris let out a small groan, obviously not happy about sharing, but there was a tinge of sadness in Kyungsoo's voice that he barely noticed if it wasn't for the silence surrounding them. He instinctively got under the covers with one arm stetched out towards the younger male, while his other arm folded into a makeshift pillow. Kyungsoo only gave so little space for him to rest his head on the pillow. He could hear the silence that, not as deafening because Kyungsoo was breathing lightly against his chest, fingers curled around the front of his shirt.  He could hear the beating of his heart, loud inside his ears.

    It felt too warm for him to fall asleep. Yet, he managed to doze off eventually.

===XOXOXOXO===

     He read through the notes a third time, making out the letters that looked like they were screaming for his attention. Then he saw it. In that instant, he knew he had finally unraveled Kyungsoo's whereabouts, the thought of it made his heart beat so fast he could almost faint.

      "Guys, I know where he is..." He said, in a rather breathy tone, and all eyes turned to him.

      "Where is he then?" Something then asked. Everyone held their breath, waiting for him to answer. Kai and Suho were on the verge of breaking down.

     Kris cleared his throat and began, "He's far away from here ---" only to be stopped halfway when Baekhyun suddenly interrupted him.

     "Oh no, don't tell us that he's dead! Anything but that!" The younger male started to panic, only to be held down by Luhan a second later, who told him to wait first before jumping to conclusions. 

     "He's not, Baek. In fact, I can assure you that he's pecfectly alive right now. It's clearly shown in the letters."

     "But how would we know if it's true?" Chen asked skeptically.

     "Just trust me, guys. I'm your duizhang, after all. Would I lie about something like this?"

      They kept quiet after that. "Alright, from what I interpreted, Kyungsoo is no longer in this country, which is what I meant when I said he was far away. I think he fled the country on the 4th, the day he first disappeared."

      "So where is he now?" Kai asked impatiently, biting his lips to keep them from wobbling.

     Kris looked through the final note once more, tracing the bolded letters... l a t i t u d e 50, it read. "Guys, could someone google what's on latitude 50? I need to be sure."

     Tao was holding his phone at the time, so he quickly unlocked the screen, tapping the first icon on the menu. "Ontario." He answered a few seconds later, earning loud gasps across the room.

     "I knew it. Kyungsoo's at my house. That's where we have to go if we want to find him."

     "B-But why would he choose to go there of all places?!" Luhan asked, unable to believe what he's hearing. It was just too absurd; too unexpected. "Are you sure you're just using this chance to book a flight back home? Just so you know, all of us miss our families too --"

     "Luhan!" Suho scolded back.

     "I'm not joking about this, guys." Kris said, raising up the notes. "You can see it for yourself. Kyungsoo always had a special habit of hiding messages in his writing. He would bold the letters, and the trick is to read it backwards, except for numbers. If you don't believe me, decipher them yourself." He placed the notes on the coffee table and everybody began to crowd around,

     It took a while because it wasn't easy to spot the bold letters immediately - Kyungsoo's handwriting was quite cursive. However, they eventually got the message, shock written across their faces. Kris simply looked smug, sitting back against the couch with his arms crossed. "Told you so."

     "This is insane! How did you know about this?" Chanyeol asked.

      "He writes every night. Stories, he said. I never really got around to reading one, but I noticed how he loved to bold certain letters. Rather than reading the stories itself, I began trying out out different ways to interpret the messages he wanted to convey. Most of them were sad, as if he was worried about something. The funny thing was that he was never direct with the messages. It's like they had a secret of their own. A secret within a secret, you could say."

     "We should tell the manager about this..." Lay suggested, but Kris and Kai immediately yelled out no.

     "Xing, I think there's a reason why he sent us those letters. It's only meant for us to understand. In other words, he wouldn't want the company to be dragged along into this." Kris reasoned out.

     "I agree with duizhang," said Kai.

     "Then what do you supposed we should do?" Lay asked.

     "I think... he wants Kris to find him in Canada." Baekhyun suddenly spoke out, stepping in front of the leader. "These notes would have meant nothing to us if it wasn't for what you discovered. He knew that only you could understand him. Also, it's addressed to Mr K. Hyung, there's no one else in the dorm whose first name starts with a 'K' except you and Kyungsoo. If it was meant to address a surname, then there'll be too many possibilities - Kim Jongin, Kim Jongdae, Kim MInseok, Kim Joonmyeon."

     Baekhyun's words made sense. Too much sense. It sent shivers down Kris's spine.

     "So... you want me to travel halfway across the world... and bring him home. What if he doesn't want to come home? The whole of Korea thinks he's dead by now." Kris remarked bitterly, wondering how this tale would end.

     "That's up to you to decide, hyung. EXO will still go on."

     It was settled then. Kris would be the only leaving one leaving for Canada in the coming week.