Kai sat on the front steps of the conservatory, looking across the city as the sun rose. Kai couldn’t focus all weekend, though he tried. Lay gave the dancers Saturday and Sunday to practice with their groups, trying to get used to each other’s dance styles as they went over old practice choreography or free styled amongst themselves.

It was much easier trying to handle seven of them as opposed to fifteen, but Daeryong and B-Bomb made it nearly impossible to do anything right. Every movement Kai made was criticized and he was starting to doubt himself as well. Having Minzy in the group wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be, without CL she was nice enough.
She still didn’t give him the time of day, but at least the insults stopped. Gayoon was terrible, as usual, but CNU and Baro put in effort to keep the two separate. There was one person, though, that Kai didn’t know how he felt about.

Sehun.

He thought back to seeing the boy at the piano, he didn’t know what came over him when he spoke to the younger. He couldn’t think of the motive or thought behind it. He just approached him. Kai couldn’t even remember what he’d said. Something about bubble tea. He grinned bitterly at himself—maybe that was all he said.
He couldn’t quite recall, but he knew that he was glad Sehun didn’t get the solo. He didn’t deserve it. Not after embarrassing Lay by getting drunk and making out with that girl in front of all the cameras. It made no sense to Kai, what he was thinking. It was ridiculous to the brunette. Why would he be so irresponsible? Why would he flaunt the opportunity Lay had given him and slack off as he did?

The sun started to peak over the tall buildings and Kai sighed. Things are so different now, too different. Things should be better. He’s surrounded by people with the same passion and same hobbies. But yet he’s so separate from them all. Kai didn’t know how much that was his fault or everyone else, but that couldn’t be helped now. They weren’t going to change any more than Kai wanted to.

He couldn’t let people back in, not after what happened. When you let people in and things happen, bad things, then it’s all your fault. Then you get the guilt. You get the nightmares. He shivered in the cool morning air. Then you’re alone. But it’s better to be alone, Kai decided. Then you can’t mess up again.

Practice will start today. Real practice. Group A is morning practice with Lay while B does individual practice, then it switches in the afternoon. The dancers still don’t really know the concept for the showcase, but they’ll find out soon enough.

The sound of footsteps coming from the stairs brought Kai’s attention off of the orange sky and he looked back to see Lay hop down the steps, a scarf wrapped around his neck and a thick sweater on.

“Oh, good morning!” Lay smiled down at Kai and stopped at the base of the steps. “I didn’t know you were out here.” Kai didn’t really have much of an answer to his statement so he just nodded respectfully. “Since you are,” Lay continued, “Do you mind telling everyone that I’ll be gone for about an hour and to start without me? I just have a quick errand to run.” Lay started to walk off, seeming in a rush, but then he stopped, turning back.

“Steer clear from Daeryong this morning.” He said quickly before turning back around and walking briskly down the street.

“Wait, why?” Kai stood and took a step off the stairs but then stopped, shoving his hands in his sweatpants pockets. He basically does that anyway. He let out a sigh and then returned back into the building, glad for the heat that warmed his body.

The building was eerily quiet that morning. The normal sounds of dishes clattering in the kitchen and video games and music blaring from the rec. room were absent. But then Kai heard it. Yelling. Daeryong’s yelling. The younger rolled his eyes and decided whether or not to see what the yelling was about. It was probably about Kai anyway, most of his complaining is. He took the few steps down the hall and noticed that the yelling was coming from the kitchen. The place seemed to be the hotspot all weekend, more occupied than the rec. room, even.

Kai stood outside the doorway, hiding slightly as he peered in. The place was a mess, that was the first thing he noticed. Several cupboards were opened and plates over every surface, leftover food still crusted on them. On the stove were used pots and pans and some food remnants scattered across the floor as well.

“—He doesn’t even try!” Daeryong’s voice pierced Kai’s ears and he shied away from the kitchen area, flattening himself against the wall. “Why do I have so solo with him? Why not Soryong? Huh? We’re not even in the same group!” A small crash made Kai jump and he backed up even more. Anger. So much anger.

“Daeryong—” Sohyun’s voice made Kai cringe visibly, the girl being a nasty piece of work, he thought.

“No! You don’t get it, Hyun. How did Kai even get in here? Lay wouldn't know what good dancing is if it hit him in the face. It makes no sense that I have to listen to that idiot! ”

“Then why are you still here?” Kai heard Sohyun coo, chills running up his spine. “You’re better than everyone here, I know that, everyone knows that. Soryong, too. You guys can do so much better in a bigger place with better dancers.” There was only thoughtful silence from Daeryong and Kai retreated back down the hall, going to the big practice room where the others would soon be gathering.

It was half an hour later and the rest of the performance group congregated, save Daeryong. Kai mumbled about how Lay was going to be late and they barely acknowledged him. It was expected, though. The brunette hunched his shoulders and leaned against the wall next to the window, staring at the others as they stretched. A few minutes in and Sohyun walked past him, on her way to where her bag was in the corner.

“Why?” Kai spoke in the practice room quietly, the hostility in his voice evident.

“Why what?” Sohyun gave him a daring grin, pausing to look at the younger. “Oh, you mean the twins?” She laughed nastily and tied her hair up into a bun. “Now I only have to fight thirteen people for my time in the spotlight. Two are out of the way.”

The other dancers paid no attention to their hushed conversation and Sehun stepped to the front of the room, looking a little dejected.

“Daeryong and Soryong left the conservatory. I saw them on their way out… Uh…” The boy scratched the back of his head. “I texted Lay about it and he said to have me fill in for Daeryong…”

Of course.

Of. Course.

A string of swear words ran through Kai’s mind as he glared at Sehun. Everything is handed to him. Everything is easy for him. He wasn’t supposed to get the solo. He didn’t deserve it. There was no way he’d get it on his own, not over Daeryong. Kai refrained from leaving the practice room, but just barely.

He had to solo with Sehun.

Kai pushed off the wall and went to the stereo, playing the music so he wouldn’t have to listen to Sehun’s voice. The dancers looked towards Kai in question but he just went to his spot in the front, ignoring everyone as he started to warm up.

His movements were hard and rigid, power and force behind every swing of his arm and kick of his leg. He had a snapback on and pulled it farther down his head, blocking everyone from his mind. He didn’t get very far, though, before Sehun came up to his side.

“Here, your arm is too high…” The boy placed his hand on Kai’s forearm but he pulled away, turning to glare at Sehun.

“Stay away from me.” He snapped, his lip curling.

He doesn’t need any help from Mr. Fortunate. Mr. I -Get-Whatever-I-Want. Kai has worked as hard as he could to get where he is now and faced obstacles, loss, despair—What has Sehun had to deal with? Popularity, good luck? Kai didn’t know much more than that about the boy, except that his mother was a dancer as well—so he’ll just add that to the list. Anything else? Oh yeah, his dad owns some big company in Seoul: money, that can go on the list as well.

“What’s your problem with me anyway? What have I ever done?” Sehun barely got the words out of his mouth before Kai completely exploded.

“Nothing!” He screamed, shoving the younger before Baro could pull him back.

“Kai, stop it!” Minzy’s voice rang from across the room as she neared the three, but he paid no attention.

“You have done nothing!” He continued, his face reddening. “Everything is handed to you by your father! You don’t even have to try and the world is placed at your feet on a silver platter! I try and what do I get? I get to deal with you for a stupid partner!” Kai tried to go for Sehun again but Baro gripped his shoulders tightly, CNU moving in between them.

“You’re so selfish!” Sehun challenged, moving closer to Kai, though CNU was still in his way. “Do you know what they say about you? Do you know? And I still try to play nice?”

“What do they say?! Huh? What?” Kai pulled from Baro but B-Bomb came to him as well, being a little rougher as he pulled the younger back.

“They said that your parent’s threw you out! That they hated you!” Sehun was now pressed against CNU, trying to get as close to Kai as he could. “They called you a murderer!” Sehun barely monitored the words before they fell out of his mouth. He knew they were stupid rumors, ones that didn’t make sense, but the mention of his father ‘supporting’ him set his blood on fire.

“Spoiled brat!” Kai spat one last time, ripping from Baro and B-Bomb and barely making it past CNU. It all happened in a split second. A fist flew and then Sehun was on the ground, his face throbbing. Three pairs of hands grabbed at Kai as he tried to go for Sehun again, but the sound of the squeaky practice room door brought his eyes to the right, towards the noise.

His heart stopped.

“Kai… what happened to you?”

The voice broke something inside of him. It put a crack in the walls he’d spent years building, strengthening. But all it took was one face, one voice, one look to start breaking them down.

“Taemin.”

He looked the same. Exactly the same. It was almost like they were still in high school together. Still screwing around and having fun. Partying, dancing, celebrating. Taemin’s hair was a dark brown like Kai’s and had a wave to it, a snapback keeping it tamed, just like Kai. Though Taemin’s hat wasn’t meant to keep people out, like Kai's. His face was clearly visible and emotions displayed proudly, or at least confidently. His lips were turned down into a frown and his eyebrows drawn together, staring at his old best friend just like how he did the last time they saw each other. Just like how he did when he was leaving for his aunts.

It was like nothing changed. It was like Kai was back at home and Taemin was there with him like he always was.

But that’s wrong.

Everything changed.

Kai relaxed in everyone’s grip and after a moment they let him go, the boy shaking his head and moving to the door. He slipped passed Taemin, making sure not to touch him as he left the room. He can’t have this, not after burying everything for so long.

“Kai?” Taemin’s voice traveled down the hall as he followed Kai, his wet sneakers squeaking against the floor as he started jogging. “What are you doing?” He grabbed Kai’s shoulder but he pulled back, picking up speed as he turned the corner, heading for his dorm. “Kai, just talk to me!” The older begged as he remained on Kai’s heels. “We used to be brothers! Please!”

The last word came out in a yell and Taemin grabbed Kai strongly, refusing to let go. Countless phone calls and text messages have been ignored for years and now that he had a chance to talk to Kai, he’s not letting it go. Kai reacted instinctively when Taemin placed his hand on him, pushing his hyung back and feeling his stomach drop when he hit the ground hard, landing on his back.

“Jongin… What happened to you?” Taemin’s eyes watered a little as he look up at Kai. He couldn’t believe who the younger had turned into.

The Kai he knew was sweet, and kind, and thoughtful, he’d never have hurt someone, ever. He made pinky promises and laughed, giggled, he helped Taemin with his dancing and singing and had compassion. The person who was standing over him now wasn’t the same. No trace of the boy he once was could be detected in the hard shell of what could be loosely considered a person.
He was cold and damaged and defensive. He was covered in spikes and barbed wire, meant to keep people out, meant to keep himself safe—but after years and years of this defense it’s started hurting himself. The thorns and points have turned against its host and scars were starting to form. Battle wounds.

Kai had been through much more than he deserved but he always thought that it was punishment, that it was his fault, that he could’ve prevented everything, but didn’t. He was selfish back then and he’ll be selfish now.

In Kai’s eyes nothing had changed, nothing that mattered—but to Taemin, everything had changed.

“…Min… Just leave.” Kai’s voice was weak but didn’t waver as he looked away from the older.

Taemin scrambled to his feet and tried once more to get through to Kai, to bring him back to his old self, to help him forgive himself and move on. But once he took a step closer to Kai he lashed out again, his hands coming out to shove Taemin. The force wasn’t enough to knock him back down, but enough to make him stumble back a few feet.

“I don’t want you here!” Kai finally screamed, a tear running down his cheek, “I don’t want you! Just leave!” He didn’t wait to watch Taemin retreat down the hall and pushed into his dorm.

He didn’t hesitate once entering the room and scaled the bunk bed to his spot, curling into a ball and looking out the top of the window. His chest hurt and his insides crumbled into nothing, leaving him empty. He cried for the first time since his father went into rehab years ago and couldn’t stop for hours.

Everything around him was crashing, everything was cracking and bursting and exploding and he felt like if he moved or breathed or blinked he would be hit with the debris. But he couldn’t stop crying. He couldn’t stop the tears from flowing for the sobs from wracking his body as the debris pelted him constantly. It was a warzone in his mind and he couldn’t stop it from raging on, the thoughts and memories and feelings being too much, being endless and merciless.

It was his fault. Everything was his fault. He should’ve been home and not out with Taemin. Not partying, not having fun, not being irresponsible. He should’ve listened to everyone. He shouldn’t have disobeyed.

The door to his room opened and closed a few times in the hours that he isolated himself from everyone but he barely noticed. A few people tried talking to him, calming him down, but he couldn’t hear them, he didn’t try to. He needed to be alone and did everything in his power to remain as such.

It wasn’t until noon when he ran out of tears, his throat raw and throbbing. He couldn’t move, feeling frozen, and continued staring out the window in a glazed and dazed silence. He saw himself in third person, watching helplessly as he tore himself apart.

He couldn’t stop it, he didn’t know how, and he didn’t know if he wanted to or not, anyway.

He deserved it.

He deserved every misfortune and every punishment that hit him.
He deserved it all for being irresponsible and for having fun and for partying.
He deserved it from not being able to protect them.
He deserved everything because everything was his fault.