Taeyeon couldn't remember the details.

All she knew was that she was sitting on the curb, her whole body ached, and a policeman was standing in front of her. There were people – quite a lot of them - and they were saying things Taeyeon could barely hear.

"Miss, are you okay?"

Taeyeon breathed deeply. She could taste the blood on her tongue, and for a moment she thought she had sobered. She ignored the paramedic that was touching her arm, looked at her left, and saw the car on the pavement, front crushed the wall so hard the hood was bent.

"Miss?" The paramedic shook her shoulder.

Taeyeon balled her quivering fist before turned her head at him.

"Do you have a lighter?"

*

Taeyeon had been told repeatedly that she was a ‘difficult’ person. She didn’t even know what that meant, but she was pretty sure it had something to do with how much of a failure she felt sometimes.

Correction.

Most of the time.

She had very few friends. Yuri, her roommate, was one of them. She was the daughter of her father’s colleague she had known since back in middle school. They didn’t click instantly but somehow they tolerated each other better than other people so they became friends. Later, they became even better friends, very close friends, and years later Taeyeon considered her as the best friend

Yuri was the one coming down to the police station the day Taeyeon messed up big time – again. It was nearly three in the morning and her face was unreadable when she talked to the police. Not long after, Taeyeon’s family lawyer, Mr Fritz, came and together they settled things for the day.

“Let’s go, Taeng.” That’s the only thing Yuri said as she pulled Taeyeon up and pushed her out of the building.

Her mind could hardly function when Yuri held the car’s door for her. She had been smoking a lot and refused to go to the hospital to get checked. And when she finally sat in the passenger’s seat of Yuri’s car, her hands were still shaking.

That was two months ago and Taeyeon’s brain worked hard to block it from her memory.

She felt so stupid, not for the first time, but it was certainly was one of her ultimate stupidity. She couldn’t even recall properly what happened except for the moment she got out the bar drunk with no one to stop her. She remembered some crying and wailing and yelling to a random guy in the parking lot.  Maybe some screaming too.

That night resulted in a badly damaged car, some criminal charges, and a very angry building owner. It was only fortunate that no one died.

If not for the family, the money, and their amazingly great lawyers, Taeyeon could have been behind bars right now.

“Do you think you need to start attending that AA meeting now?” That was the way Yuri greeted her that morning, a cup of tea in her hand, body still wrapped in pajamas.

Saturday morning was the best morning to sleep in, but somehow Taeyeon had been awake since five and she decided to watch the rain falling outside from the living room. 

“You know I haven’t been drinking for two months –,” Taeyeon stalled for a while,”well, maybe a few times. But you get what I mean.”

Yuri sighed. She looked at Taeyeon so intensely Taeyeon felt like she should evaporate instead but she just looked away. Sometimes Taeyeon felt like Yuri was tired of her and she wondered why the girl never went away. Taeyeon ed up so many times honestly she didn’t think she deserved Yuri’s care. But she’s still around anyway.

“Your father called me yesterday.”

“What does he want?”

“He asked me why you never picked up his calls.” Yuri put her cup on the coffee table, relaxing on the couch. “Taeyeon –“

“Yul, please…”

“He helped you. You could’ve been –“

“In jail, I know. But I didn’t ask him to. Maybe I would’ve been better there–“

“Please stop thinking stupidly –“

“But I am stupid.”

“Taeng!” Yuri raised her tone, glaring at her friend. “Stop with the nonsense please. Just be grateful that you’re free.”

Now it’s Taeyeon’s turn to sigh. She leaned her head back and stared at the ceiling.

“I don’t want to talk about my father,” she said.

“He’s still your father, you know. And it’s because of him you can still be here -”

“I know. Can we please switch the topic? I’ll deal with him when I want to.”

After a while, Yuri shrugged. “Okay.”

Silence engulfed both of them and Taeyeon found herself yawning. She loved right now, when nothing was said, just her and the rain and her best friend lying down on the couch. When nothing was complicated – nothing really mattered.

But then Yuri broke her reverie again. “By the way, Taeng, Jessica is coming to the states. She will be living with us.”

*

Jessica was Yuri’s cousin. She was a year younger than Taeyeon and Yuri so the two of them viewed her as a little sister. Jessica was born in the US but then her family moved back to Korea when she was fourteen and she went to the same school as Taeyeon and Yuri.

Back then Jessica was having difficulty in making friends so she always clung to Yuri, the only person she knew well at school, and also became friends with Taeyeon. But then even though later Jessica gained her own popularity, she often hung out with the duo who always welcomed and treated her well despite the harshness of the school’s social peers.

Taeyeon tried to remember how Jessica looked like the last time she saw her two years ago in Korea as she sipped her coffee. She had seen Jessica’s pictures on Facebook, of course, but she still wondered how much Jessica had changed.

Beside her, Yuri was busy checking her phone. It was her idea that the both of them picked Jessica up from the airport. According to her, Jessica would be staying with them for at least a few months so she would be bringing tons of stuff and she would need Yuri to help her with those. Apart from that, Jessica’s mother had specifically asked Yuri to make sure her daughter had safely arrived in San Francisco.

Yuri hadn’t told Taeyeon completely why Jessica was coming except for that she was taking a break from college. There were so many nice places to visit other than SF, Taeyeon thought, and it also didn’t make sense why Jessica wanted to live with them while she’s there. Taeyeon herself didn’t think her mental condition was very suitable to host a guest right now – albeit the fact that Jessica was never a guest anyway, but Yuri said she shouldn’t question so much so she just shut up.

“Hey, they’re here.” Taeyeon nudged Yuri when she saw the people coming out of the gate. Yuri immediately pocketed her phone as her lips pulled up into a smile. She tiptoed a little, trying to see over people’s heads, while Taeyeon stayed still, one hand inside her pocket.

“Jessica!” It came almost like a shriek Taeyeon had to cringe. Yuri waved frantically, calling the girl’s name once again, and Taeyeon finally caught the sight of a familiar face approaching.

Taeyeon didn’t remember Jessica dyeing her hair brown, but that how she was right now. Skinny built, brunette, with a pair of big eyes.

In an odd way, Taeyeon felt like she was seeing the fourteen years old Jessica, running with a wide smile to Yuri, anxious yet excited. In a flash she pictured how they were in high school – Yuri, Jessica, and Taeyeon, living life as teenagers – probably the best time of all. The time when Taeyeon didn’t have to think that much, when she could push all her worries with a simple hug and kiss on the forehead.

Taeyeon smiled unconsciously.

“Oh, God! I missed you!” Yuri enveloped Jessica in a bone-crushing hug and the latter laughed – her trolley abandoned a few meters away.  

“I missed you too!” Jessica replied, high-pitched. She broke into the biggest grin before her eyes landed at the smaller figure next to Yuri.

"Hi, Taeyeon,” she greeted, releasing herself from the hug.

“Hi, Jessica. Welcome to SF.”

--

“Do you have a lighter?”

“Lighter?”

“Yes, please. I need a lighter. Do you have any?”

The paramedic looked at her quizically, but eventually he reached down his pocket and fished out a white plastic lighter.

After three tries, Taeyeon managed to lit a fire and she just sat there, looking at the flame, swaying slightly in the wind.

Momentarily, she shut her eyes and a moment from years ago played out in her mind.

“It’s your birthday.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“Whatever’s happened to you.”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s not your fault.”

“Here.”

“A lighter?”

“I don’t have a candle and cake but –“

“You want me to blow it?”

“You know what? It’s not about the candle. It’s about the light. When you’re in the dark, isn’t it nice to see the light?”

When she peeled her eyes open, all she could see was the face of that person in the flame. She didn’t know why but she just did. With a weak blow, the fire went off.

“Happy birthday, Taengoo.”

TBC