Chaerin would like to be as strong and as fierce as the character she constantly portrays with such determination. She'd like to be so extremely confident about everything, and hard, and... merciless. She'd like to be able to just throw her worries and insecurities out the window, and never hear of them again. She masks it all, and she's very good at it. And she's become tired of it.

Ever since young, she's always felt the weight of the entire universe pressing into her very bones. She has always been a perfectionist, and she has always lived so as to be a role model - to her sister or to whomever else would find any sort of inspiration in her. She made it her duty and responsibility to be the best version of herself she could be, but sometimes, the effort of it would just be too much of a burden to bear. She's become tired of it. Sometimes she'd just like to loosen the hell up. Do something crazy. Take some risks. Quit her job. Have a one-night stand. She'd sometimes like to truly live.

It's been almost a week since Jiyong left, and not a damn day has passed without Chaerin thinking about him. It worries her, actually, as it makes no sense to her at all. She's realized that she's missing him. She's aware he was there for only a few days, and yet she's missing him. It makes no sense at all, none of it - and yet maybe it doesn't have to. All her life everything's had to make perfect sense and be in perfect order. Maybe not everything in life has to necessarily go by the book? Maybe.

She feels the odd need to go to his grave. She doesn't know why as it's obviously nothing but a stone with his name, but she wants to go. Maybe she'll even talk to him. People do that in dramas all the time. She would really like to get all these feelings out of her. They're biting at her heart from the inside. If only she could get them out, tell anyone... but she can't.

It's been over a month since he left and nothing much has changed about the way she feels. She wonders if he thinks about her as much and in the same way as she thinks about him. Christmas and New Year's have passed and holidays were the only thing that kept her mind off of the drama-like turmoil her life has become, at least temporarily. Her family and friends re-united for the holidays and it soothed both her mind and her soul, but then it all passed and she was back to her empty apartment and dreary habit-driven life. She hates that she misses him, though it does not affect her life much at all. She's never let anything affect her life, no matter what.

It's a gloomy Saturday morning this February. She's decided to go visit Jiyong's fake grave. If it's going to make her feel at least a little bit better, then why not? So she gets dressed and gets going, picking up flowers on her way. She's not surprised that there isn't a group of fans there already; time has passed and people are starting to forget. It's a bit sad, but it's life. She finds only one person -  a man standing before the stone with Jiyong's name. He is dressed in all black and strands of platinum blonde hair are streaking below his black hat. His haircolor reminds Chaerin of Jiyong's, and he is almost the same in height as well. His head is lowered and Chaerin is sure tears are streaming down his cheeks. Silent cries, she thinks. The worst kind.

When she approaches, she recognizes who this man is, but pretends she doesn't. The moment she steps closer, the man quickly and nervously wipes his cheeks with his hands and clears his throat. Chaerin doesn't say anything; instead she just stands next to him and lowers her head as well. She closes her eyes and thinks about how crazy this all is. Is coming to Jiyong's fake grave really going to ease her mind? She thinks about this for a while, before her chain of thoughts gets broken by a ''Were you a fan?''

She turns abruptly to the source of the voice. It sounded hoarse and filled with sadness and of course it came from the man next to her. He looks at her with apparent composure, but Chaerin sees the piercing sorrow glistening in his eyes.

''N-no...'' she answers, looking away.

''Did you know him?''

''Yes... an old friend.''

''Dong Youngbae'' the man introduces himself, and his hand stretched out to meet hers is what brings her eyes back to him.

''Lee Chaerin'' she says, shaking his hand.

''He never told me of you.''

''Were you his friend?''

''I think I was his only friend'' he says and tries to chuckle, but it comes out sounding like a desperate sigh and only a sad smile remains to linger on his face.

''He was known as a bit of a douche,'' she says with a smile, ''But there wasn't a bad man beneath all that.''

''No...'' he says quietly, more to himself than to her, ''No, there wasn't.''

Chaerin has never felt such strong guilt in her life. She could almost cry; it's agonizing. She holds the key to this man's happiness. Youngbae is completely crushed, and she has the power to make it all better. But she can't. She mustn't.

She sees him biting his lip. She knows he's doing his best not to cry in front of her, and that pains her even more.

''It is alright to cry,'' she says, ''It's a demon, holding it in. Pretend I'm not here. Just...''

''Every Saturday I come here, and every Saturday I cry a little less,'' he says, ''It's because I'm drying out. There's no more tears left in me. It's not because it hurts less.''

She feels another strong pain in her chest - like a cut of a knife across her heart. She opens to say something but she doesn't know what, and whatever she was going to say just froze mid-way in . She tries again but this time she realizes she shouldn't speak at all, but listen. There is someone by her side in desperate need to talk and he is about to speak again and the least she can do is listen.

''It doesn't hurt less at all... and I don't know if it ever will,'' he continues, ''It's like... I know that he's gone, for good, and I've made peace with that fact. It's not even about that, you know? It's the little things. The things I never even paid any God damn attention to, but now they seem to be what tortures me most.''

Chaerin stays silent, even though she wants to give some words of comfort. She feels incapable and she feels terrible. 

''I'm sorry, you probably don't want to hear about this,'' he says, realizing her silence, ''I'm smothering a complete stranger. I'm sorry.''

''Oh, no, no! Not at all!'' she replies right away, insisting. ''You're not smothering me and if you wish to talk, I'm here. I'm listening. Don't worry about it, please. I want to hear it.''

''It's stupid, really...'' he says, giving a smile of no humor, now encouraged to go on and let as much as he can out. ''It's the smallest things, you know what I'm saying? Like... I haven't been able to delete his contact from my phone. His number, his messages - it's all here. I can't delete it. And every time I see it, I... Yeah. The stupid, little things... The scribbles he left at my studio, our unfinished songs... the photographs he's not even in but which he took. All that stuff, but you know what's the worst?''

''What?''

''The silence,'' he says, ''Especially the silence on Sunday afternoons. Time reserved for us. Sunday afternoons...''

He's looking away into the gray cloudy sky. Chaerin knows he's reminiscing, musing to himself. She does not know what to say; so she just says:

''I'm sorry.''

She places her hand on his arm and she's not sure how appropriate that is but she does it anyways. It's all the comfort she's allowed to give.

''Yeah, I'm sorry too... Well, I should go. It was nice meeting you, Chaerin'' he says, putting a hand on her shoulder and giving her a warm smile before walking away. 

She remained standing there for quite a while, and the feeling of unworthy-ness kept creeping up inside her. She felt like a hypocrite, and yet... she did it all for him. She is bearing a burden of a terrible secret - and it is all for Kwon Jiyong.