Dear Jiyong,

I have no idea why I'm writing to you like this. You're sure as hell never going to read it. Perhaps I'm just replying to your goodbye note. Or perhaps I'm just doing this for myself, really - to get all these things out. There are things left unsaid. I can't tell anything to anyone, thanks to you and your stupid secret. I have to hide things and bury my feelings down and pretend that nothing is happening when in fact it's all eating me up from the inside.

So, that wasn't very nice, you know - you leaving without even saying a proper goodbye. Very -ish on your part, which shouldn't surprise me, really. I'm genuinely angry with you. It's a good thing you're far away and I'm not able to tell this to your face, because it would surely come with a slap across your face. Consider yourself lucky.

So, I guess that's all I wanted to say to you for now. You could've and should've just given me a proper goodbye, that's all. I would've given you a hug and the medical supplies. So there you go. you.

L. C.

 

~

 

Jiyong,

I haven't been the same. I hate it. I hate the way you opened my eyes in such a way that I am no longer able to be complacent with my life. Nothing seems right anymore. You spoiled it. You spoiled the perfect bubble and you left. I find myself wanting to change things. I find myself wanting to break away from everything. Harin says I seem different, when we skype. Every time she says it. She's worried. And I am different. And perhaps she should be worried. I wanna run away from it all, even if it means jumping off a building. Now I get you.

It's a tempting thought.

L. C.

 

~

 

Jiyong, 

I posted my designs on the internet. Well, Dara helped me. I'm terrible with computers and gadgets and stuff. I've told you about Dara a few times, perhaps you remember. Anyway, I've gotten nothing but great feedback. It made me feel happy and really good about myself and my work, even if it's just for a while. I've been told I'd make a great designer and probably a very famous one. It's flattering to hear, and perhaps it is true.

I've been thinking about you, probably a lot more than should be considered normal judging by our ''relationship''. I wonder if you're doing ok and if you're healthy. Don't jump off buildings and eat well. I hope you've found what you were looking for - the kind of life you wanted.

I'm no longer mad at you.

L. C.

 

~

 

Jiyong,

I met Youngbae one evening, I never told you. From just a short but impactful conversation I realized he was like a brother to you, probably the closest person to you. There was hurt in his eyes, in his voice, in the way he shivered when he spoke your name. I felt terribly guilty, and I don't have to explain why. I felt terrible, like the worst person on the planet. He was very pleasant and I felt like the devil.

We met again after that - by chance or fate, who knows. We decided to stop for drinks and just hang out for a bit and it was very soothing, very comforting. I enjoy his company and I think I could freely call him a friend in some alternative reality where he isn't just as famous as you were (are). We share a lot of things in common and get along very well. It's been a while since I've had a friend like that.

The last time I saw him was a few days ago. We hung out with some of his friends and watched a movie. He seemed to be feeling better. He looked better, at least on the outside. He smiled, a beautiful thing to see, but if you want my honest opinion: the cover-up is even harder than the fight on the inside. He's struggling. But he's doing well. I didn't want to ask him about it, and I try to avoid talking about you unless he mentions you himself. I don't want to be pushy; I'm just trying to be a good friend. I told him we're old friends, you and me. He never asked about too many details, so I'm good, for now at least. He makes me feel better about everything, about life.

I'm probably going to ruin that too.

L. C.

 

~

 

Jiyong,

I just hope you're alright, really. I hope you haven't been testing any other buildings recently. I hope your wound has healed completely and that you're healthy. I really wonder how you're doing. Are you better now? Is what you found on the other side of the fall really worth it? Is it worth jumping? I hope it is. I hope you have a better life now than you did earlier. But the more I think about it, the more insane you seem to me. What were you thinking, really? What were you thinking before you made that leap? And what were you thinking during the fall? What did you feel? Were you scared? Did you regret it the moment your feet left the edge? Did your life flash before your eyes? I wonder.

I also wonder why I'm still writing to you.

L. C.

 

~

 

Jiyong,

My friend Dara gave me a cat! Her brother gave her the cat as a gift, but the cute thing seems to love me more, so she gave it away to me. Needless to say, my apartment is constantly covered with cat hairs now.

I think you'd hate the cat. You seem like a dog person. I'm pretty sure you are a dog person, in fact. Have you ever had a dog? Hm.

This cat is very smart, you know. If nothing else, you'd hate the cat for being smarter than you :-)

L. C.

 

~
 

 

Jiyong,

this is silly. I'm still writing to you though you're not reading it. No one is. And you're not here, even though I see your face everywhere. The news still speculate about you. The papers still put you on frontpages. But you're not here. And you're not coming back.

I wish they'd stop talking about you.

L. C.

 

~
 

 

Jiyong, 

I can't believe more than half a year has passed. I'm not sure how much time has passed exactly, I lost track. But life has been decent. 

My dad came back to Korea with Harin, and they're in love with my cat. I named the little guy Jingyo. It's a funny version of your name. It's even funnier when I think how much it'd annoy you.

Youngbae has become a good friend to me, truly. I understand that he's a celebrity as well, but I don't see that aura about him when I hang out with him at all. He finds time for me and the rest of his friends. He's changed a lot since you went away, and perhaps its your ''death'' that taught him a lesson and now he's just trying to dedicate more of his time to the people he holds dear. He's afraid of losing someone else. He doesn't talk about it much, you know, but I think I proved to you that I'm a good people-reader. He reminds me of you, but he also is a lot different from you. And oddly enough, I can see exactly why you got along so well.

He hates cats too, which I find immensely amusing. You two are truly soulmates. I think I know this much. He doesn't hate Jingyo though. He can't help it. The cat keeps trying to cuddle with him every time he comes over, so his heart has just gotten softer I guess. 

He then later mumbles ''I hate cats'' as he's trying to get the hairs off of his Alexander Wang clothes. It's funny.

L. C.

 

~
 

 

Jiyong,

Youngbae and I watched a ''Lord of the Rings'' marathon yesterday. Jingyo seemed to be watching too, he barely moved from my belly. I guess it's all the special effects. I guess cats can watch movies too.

We went into a debate about which race we would all be in Middle Earth. Youngbae says I'd be an Elf, but I think I'm far too fallible for that. I think I'm Man to the core. Youngbae is more of an Elf, really. I almost blurted out a joke about him being a Dwarf, but I stopped right on time. He's not very tall and I'm not sure if he'd be comfortable with jokes like that. Though, he's not much shorter than you, is he? What would you be? An Elf too, I think. But an arrogant one. Like Thranduil from ''The Hobbit''.

Needless to say, my spine hurt from all the TV-watching. But it was fun.

I wish you had been there.

L. C.

 

~
 

 

Jiyong, 

It's really ing stupid of me to miss you. It's stupid of me to write to you. Just get the out of my mind. You were barely here. Leave my head.

L. C.

 

~
 

 

Jiyong,

I bet you'd laugh at me for writing to you. I can picture you doing it, with all your stupid snark and sass. God.

L. C.

 

~
 

 

Jiyong,

I find myself fantasizing about you. Really, it's not something that occurs to me often, about any man. Usually I can have whoever I want. (And I wonder about how many more letters in this box say the same things as this one.)

But I want you. I want to do things to your body and I wonder if you'd want me just as much. I wonder if it'd be a mistake. Regardless... I'd still do so many things to you and I wouldn't think about the consequences at all. Those arms... God, I find myself thinking about them embracing me way too often. I find myself thinking about touching your skin, every single muscle of yours... tracing my fingertips over every spot of ink on your body. I'd want to savor it all, drink you like wine. It's insane. I'm insane.

It's crazy and it needs to stop.

L. C.

 

~
 

 

Jiyong,

Do you think about me at all? 

If you do, do you think about me as much as I think about you? 

If you do, do you think about me in the same ways I think about you?

I've decided to stop writing now. It's the only healthy thing. It's been quite an experience, and it did help me. But the first step on my way to stop thinking about you has to be not writing to you anymore. When I look back on those few days we spent together, it confuses me. I don't even know why we connected in such a way. I don't even know what exactly happened. I'm not sure that I haven't started mixing facts with wishes.

All I know is that you saw me and I saw you. There was fire hanging in the air between us. You hurt me and healed me. You broke me and rebuilt me. I am different now. I have learned from you. I hope you managed to learn something useful from me. I hope you're doing alright. I still can't manage to get myself to even write down that I have feelings for you. But I do, oddly enough. And I wish these feelings would start diminishing. They're stronger every day, I'm afraid to say. I think by writing to you, I somehow mentally kept you here. And by keeping you here, I'm not allowing my feelings to go away. So this is it. I wish you well.

With all my heart,

L. C.