YAY I'm updating! I decided to give you guys a treat on my bday week cause it's amazingly good so far and I feel like sharing the joy! That being said I will refrain from being negative today and I'll leave it for the next chapter, cause I have things to say (and you all go: 'AGAIN?! UGHHHH'). Okay, so enjoy the chapter and I think I can say that the next will come on Sunday, as scheduled :D

***

Darkness was surrounding him despite the fact that he felt completely rested, like after a night full of sleep. However, the darkness was implying that it couldn’t have been day yet. Otherwise there would be light pouring through his curtains, teasing at the back of his eyelids and slowly coaxing him into wakefulness.

Sungmin flipped on the mattress and rubbed his cheek against the soft pillow. It didn’t feel right. His pillowcases were store-bought, some fancy material, soft but also uncomfortably itchy in the heat that fell over the city this summer. This pillow was cotton and just on the right side of worn, making it feel like home. Making him want to sink his face into it and fall back asleep, no matter how rested he already was.

A thunk of metal hitting the tiles jostled him up suddenly. He swept his gaze around the room blearily and noted that he wasn’t in his bedroom. However, it was still familiar. He had spent the night in it before. It took a longer moment, and more clanking from the outside of the room, for his befuddlement to be replaced with memories of the previous evening and understanding of his predicament.

He was at Kyuhyun’s hanok. They were going back from Sooyoung’s birthday party through the village and Kyuhyun suggested Sungmin and Sungrin stayed the night since they would still have to walk all the way to their apartment and they were obviously exhausted.

Swinging his legs down the bed Sungmin rubbed at his face.

Yesterday was just slightly hazy. He knew what happened, but it seemed all pushed behind a veil, one he could look through but only see shapes and distorted images.

He had a panic attack. It hadn’t happened since the last time he saw Sungrin’s grandparents, which was a good while back. Seven… eight months. His counselor said that it was likely one would assault him in the least expected circumstances, but he didn’t think a simple birthday party would trigger it.

Propping his elbows on his knees he hid his face in hands.

He should have never talked about Sunkyu.

Just because he told Kyuhyun, in a therapeutic kind of discussion for both of them, didn’t mean everything was already buried and healed. It was more like a band aid was slapped over a gaping wound. Just a feeble precaution.

The darkness of the room was only adding to the shadows lurking in the corners of his mind.

Quickly pushing onto his legs Sungmin strode towards the windows and harshly pulled the curtains open. They were heavy and thick, not letting any light in.

The moment first rays touched his face it seemed like the shadows shrunk and retreated deeper into his mind. Light was good. Light helped.

He opened the window and took in a few deep breaths. The view was onto the internal garden of the house, obviously kept up by some help Kyuhyun must have been hiring for that purpose. But the confinement of the high fences around wasn’t exactly going well with the suffocating feeling that was still squeezing his chest.

Huffing with irritation Sungmin snatched the polo, which he was wearing the day before, from the chair he threw it onto. The sports shorts Kyuhyun gave him to sleep were slightly too long for him, but perfectly loose and comfortable.

The bathroom was just opposite his room and he quickly splashed his face and brushed his teeth. No point showering yet.

The clanking served as his breadcrumbs, he followed the sounds which lead him to the kitchen. Kyuhyun was flipping pancakes.

‘Um…’

The younger man swerved so fast that the pancake slid to the edge of the skillet.

‘!’ Kyuhyun cursed and tried to salvage the food, tipping the pan to the other side and making the deliciously caramel-colored food slide back into the middle of it.

Any heaviness that was still weighing Sungmin’s heart down simply lifted as an unexpected huffing laugh escaped his lips. It was just that easy. He couldn’t believe it, but it really was.

‘Okay, saved.’ Kyuhyun murmured under his breath, tossed the pancake onto the pile that was already on the plate beside the stove and put two, shaped like cartoon characters, silicon forms on the surface of the pan and poured the pancake mix into them. Then he dropped chocolate chips onto them to create eyes, nose and mouth and when the bubbles started to break he flipped the pancake. It was only then that he allowed himself to turn towards Sungmin.

‘Sorry, Chunghee is helping Sungrin wash his face and hands and they’ll be here in a second so I need to have this all ready.’ He quickly explained gesturing towards already set table. There were jars with marmalade, apple mousse and clone syrup in the middle of the table and three sets of plates and cutlery. High chair was set right next to the one where, what looked like, Kyuhyun’s hoodie was tossed over.

‘Slept well?’ The younger inquired, eyes momentarily going to the pan and back to Sungmin.

Sighing Sungmin nodded. ‘More or less.’ He said honestly, but smiled softly.

Kyuhyun measured him with a long look before switching his attention back to the pancakes and repeating the whole process of pouring, flipping and such. When once again the mix was already safely bubbling he pivoted and took three steps, enough to place him right in front of Sungmin.

The elder tilted his head back to be able to look into the other’s face. He waited.

Kyuhyun stared at him for just a moment, before his hand snuck into Sungmin’s bed-tousled hair and he canted his neck, enough to level their lips.

And they kissed.

Sungmin brought one of his hands to Kyuhyun’s back, just touching the heated skin  through the fabric of Kyuhyun’s tee, and he tilted his head just enough to make the kiss more comfortable.

It was just a touch of lips, gentle and undemanding. A good morning kiss.

Sungmin sighed into it, and pressed just a little more. Kyuhyun rewarded him with placing another kiss on Sungmin’s upper lip before he withdrew.

‘Good morning.’ Kyuhyun whispered, their faces just inches away.

Sungmin huffed out a laugh. That was such a cliché thing to say after the kiss like the one they shared. And yet he couldn’t imagine anything better to say.

‘Good morning.’ He replied and sniffed. ‘Your pancakes.’

Kyuhyun’s eyes grew immensely wide and he spun around, thankfully in time to save the bear-shaped pancake.

Sungmin shifted and slid into one of the chairs, but his eyes were glued to Kyuhyun’s back. A small smile was playing on his face and it was exactly that moment that their children run into the room. Well, Sungrin waddled, since he didn’t grasp the idea of running yet and his legs were still too wobbly to allow anything that resembled running. But he was doing a great job nonetheless, following Chunghee when the small boy treaded into the kitchen.

‘Ming-ah!’ Chunghee exclaimed and quickly clambered onto Sungmin’s lap hugging the man immediately. Sungrin stopped and looked for a moment at them before he tried to repeat his friend’s maneuver. This time his height proved insufficient.

With Chunghee clinging to him Sungmin had troubles with helping his own son, but only for a moment. Kyuhyun swooped in and boosted the youngest boy, who immediately glued himself to his father like a barnacle.

Sungmin hugged both boys tight, marveling in the affection. Albeit he was just slightly overwhelmed by Chunghee. The boy wasn’t overly affectionate, even with Kyuhyun. They did share a couple of hugs when the boy was staying with him during Kyuhyun’s work, but those were short and mostly a copy of Sungrin’s impromptu need for smothering his father. This morning hug was new, but welcome.

Looking up at Kyuhyun Sungmin saw that the man wasn’t surprised by the gesture, simply continued filling their plates and bowls with food. He cut the smallest pancake for Sungrin and dropped single drop of every marmalade and syrup onto the pieces. Chunghee’s two pancakes had faces on them, slightly distorted since the chocolate melted more than he expected during their kiss.

‘Okay you leeches, detach.’ The younger male pulled on Sungrin, who immediately released his father and allowed Kyuhyun to transport him into the high chair. Food was the priority. Chunghee, on the other hand, just shifted and turned, one hand gripping tight at the material of Sungmin’s polo. He seemed to fight an internal battle of wanting to eat his bear pancakes, but not wanting to let go of his squeeze toy in the form of a grown man.

‘Hee, sit in your chair.’ Kyuhyun’s voice was stern and Chunghee lowered his chin looking at his father stubbornly. ‘Chunghee.’ Kyuhyun lowered his voice, but the boy didn’t flinch, only his grip tightened.

Sungmin didn’t want to interfere, since it wasn’t his place, but he sent Kyuhyun a placating look. It appeared to have mollified the man, who shrugged and plopped into his own chair and pushed Chunghee’s plate towards the boy. ‘One time. Again and I’ll take star from the board.’

Chunghee seemed to understand that his father was serious and simply nodded.

With the small crisis averted Sungmin shifted in the chair and canted his body so that with one hand he was holding Chunghee from falling and with the other he grabbed the fork and sank it into the fluffy treat on his plate.

However, conscious his moves were, his minds was miles away. He hadn’t expected that Kyuhyun would kiss him just like that. That one kiss at Siwon’s party the day before was nothing else than the sign of reassurance. That Sungmin could count on Kyuhyun to be there and support him. Of course they were both obviously conscious about the mutual attraction between them, Sungmin made sure his intentions were clear, but with so much on their plates this truly seemed slightly befuddling. As well because Sungmin was positive the initiative would have to come from him. Kyuhyun seemed unlikely to make the first move. But he did.

Not that Sungmin minded in one bit. However, he wasn’t surely where that left them. Even before he had trouble defining their relationship, which quickly transformed from partnership in the daycare, to friendship laced with attraction. And now what? Were they a couple? Or just friends taking advantage of the situation? He didn’t want to discuss the arrangement with Kyuhyun, but the instability in his life was something he feared. He still needed sure grounds to stop swaying whenever forced to talk about Sunkyu.

Lost in his reverie, Sungmin didn’t notice that Kyuhyun was staring at him, chewing slow on his food and probably not really tasting it.

‘Sungmin.’

Straightening his hunched shoulders Sungmin swerved his head towards the other male, Chunghee jostling on his leg, but obviously unperturbed by the sudden movement.

Kyuhyun’s look was piercing and intense.

Suddenly Chunghee broke the tension.

‘I can’t eat more.’ The boy pushed the plate away and wiggled on Sungmin’s lap, out of the man’s grip and down to stand on the floor. He reached towards the glass, just barely able to grab it, and drinking half of its contents before he trotted out of the kitchen and, most probably, towards his room.

Kyuhyun followed his son’s actions, but when the boy disappeared his eyes darted back to Sungmin. The elder male pulled his chair closer to the table and wolfed down the rest of his pancakes, all without any topping.

Kyuhyun wasn’t ready to let go.

‘Sungmin.’

Huffing petulantly Sungmin threw him an exasperated look, silent what? in his eyes.

Biting his upper lip just slightly Kyuhyun shook his head and pushed himself up, gathering all the empty plates. Sungrin was dozing off in his chair, not up for any playing apparently.

‘I’m going to set him on the couch for a while.’ Sungmin mumbled and transferred his child to the dark green suede couch, piled pillows on the side of the edge and two on the floor just in case. Then he swallowed thickly while looking in the direction of the kitchen and sighed.

‘Sunkyu’s family was very… aggrieved. After her death.’ He started a few moments after he got into the kitchen and leaned on the counter right next to where Kyuhyun was rinsing the plates before putting them in the dishwasher. ‘We married out of love. But they were thrilled that she married into money, which they thought I had loads of because of my family background.’

Kyuhyun leaned with his outstretched arms on the sink’s edge, head turned to the side and openly staring at Sungmin.

‘I’m not on exactly excellent terms with my family. We’re civil, my mom sometimes comes to take care of Sungrin.’ He smiled sourly. ‘Mostly when she’s schedule a Botox treatment or some other magic procedure to keep her forever young. She thinks, as a chain of spas owner, she is the face of the company. Any more face lifts and the chain will start to get mistaken with private plastic surgery clinics.’ He snorted and realized he was rambling. ‘Sunkyu’s family accused me of not doing enough, of not putting enough resources into saving her. While the only plausible solution was to abort…’ His voice cracked and he clenched his teeth to stop the emotions from overflowing. ‘To never let Sungrin be born. The doctors were very clear about that, but Sunkyu was determined, she believed in fate and always believed that if something was meant to be, it was meant to be.’

Sungmin risked looking at Kyuhyun since his eyes were glued to the floor until then and he immediately regretted when the swell in his throat disabled him from uttering anything more.

***

Kyuhyun was trying to school his face into that of sympathy, but without making it too obvious how pitiful he thought Sungmin’s situation had been. He knew he failed when Sungmin looked up at him and his eyes immediately glazed with tears.

Moving fast he grabbed the man’s shoulder and squeezed it hard, to make him focus on something else than his internal pain. It seemed to help when Sungmin hissed but looked with definite gratitude back at him.

‘I was just after the funeral, there were still tons of documents to take care of, Sunkyu’s will and just too many things. I was drowning in it all.’ Elder’s hand unconsciously traveled to where Kyuhyun was still holding him and rubbed the spot, despite the hand that was covering it.

‘Sungjin paid for all the medical fees and took break from classes to drive me from one office to the other. I was prepared for her death, no matter how much it hurt. And I had Sungrin to take care of, I couldn’t break down. But then Sunkyu’s parents came to me and said it was all my fault. I let her die. They tried to take Sungrin, but I had all the right so it dissipated before it even reached the court. They haven’t seen him until now. They just don’t want. My mother-in-law said that she couldn’t handle losing two children because of me. She said I killed Sunkyu.’

Kyuhyun tried to keep the rage building in him under a cap, but it was so hard. He knew that Sungmin’s life looked way too perfect and settled. He shouldn’t have assumed, especially after the elder told him the story of his wife. And there were never any family members, aside from his brother, he had mentioned visiting or coming over. Sungmin lead a solitary life until he put Sungrin in the daycare, being in contact with Hyukjae only for a short time before that and only because they accidentally met on the street.

What he said now explained the panic attack. He was being accused of killing his own wife, a woman who meant world to him, right after her death to a long and painful illness. There was a threat of his child being taken away from him. Everything in a span of what could have been weeks.

Silence fell over the kitchen. They could hear Chunghee in his room, watching TV. And the sounds from the street through the open windows.

Without a word Sungmin pushed himself off the counter and sauntered to the back door, leading to the internal garden.

Kyuhyun followed him without a question, stopping in the entrance door and leaning on the frame, waiting.

Sungmin was breathing deep and slow. Face void of emotions, eyes closed. He was calming himself.

Just standing there, shoulder pressed against the doorframe, Kyuhyun tilted his head and looked at the man before him. At the start of their friendship Sungmin seemed invigorated, focused on his son, but full of happiness. The saying about appearances being deceitful was around and popular for a reason. Sungmin was still battling the ghosts of his past. Kyuhyun couldn’t say he was free of his own either.

How long has it been this time? Five months now? She hadn’t called or suddenly appeared on his doorsteps for about five months. Chunghee was asking about her only when he caught the sight of the pictures, which Kyuhyun made sure to systematically hide. Psychologist assured him that it was the best way to teach Chunghee about loss. Hopefully, with time she would stop coming altogether – maybe this was already the time. Maybe she left, like she bragged she would do. Maybe they were to live stabilized life from now on. Chunghee was so much better already.

‘Kissing, Kyuhyun.’

Snapping back into present Kyuhyun furrowed his brows. Sungmin was facing him, hands propped on his hips.

Pushing down the sudden embarrassment, Kyuhyun went down the steps and walked up to his friend. Sungmin eyes were expectant.

‘What about it?’ They kissed already, twice, and the talk was inevitable.

Sighing Sungmin run a hand through his hair. It was unwashed and slightly greasy from the sweat and the strands stuck out in a very messy way.

‘Let’s not pretend that we didn’t know where we both wanted this to go.’ The elder’s voice was serious and straight to the point. ‘I admit I thought I’d make the first move, but I don’t think there is a point in discussing that now.’

Kyuhyun nodded and folded his arms on his chest waiting for the rest. He didn’t feel trepidation that he thought he would, because apparently Sungmin wasn’t aiming to reject him. This seemed more like a talk a teacher gives students at the beginning of the year, about the rules.

‘Kissing means we’re dating, at least for me.’

Swallowing thickly Kyuhyun successfully managed to fight off the blush.

‘I suppose. Yeah.’

Slowly nodding, but more to himself than for Kyuhyun’s sake, Sungmin turned to the side, lips pressed tightly and it was obvious motors in his head were working on full speed. He swerved suddenly to face Kyuhyun again.

‘I’m a mess. I try to it up and gather the pieces that are left of my life, for Sungrin’s sake, but I can’t deny I’m a mess.’

The words were so matter-of-fact like that Kyuhyun didn’t even feel any pity for them. Sungmin knew his predicament and wasn’t looking out for sympathy.

‘I don’t know if there will be any more panic attacks. Maybe no, but maybe it’ll happen again tomorrow. I didn’t think this.’ Sungmin gestured between them. ‘Would happen so fast, but since it did I say we try and help each other pick up what we can and together build something new.’

He stopped and looked expectantly at Kyuhyun.

Without tearing his eyes away from the man before him Kyuhyun mulled over the words. There wasn’t an ounce of hesitation in him, that much he could already tell. He might have been apprehensive before, when Sungmin was showing the first signs of interest, but the way Chunghee warmed up to him sealed their relationship.

Chunghee liked staying with Siwon and Youngwoon, and Kibum as well if the man had time and was in the country to take care of the kids. However, he had never expressed such attachment to those men.

Arms falling to his sides Kyuhyun nodded.

‘Yeah, that sounds like something we should do.’

A small smile broke on Sungmin’s face and the man stepped closer to Kyuhyun, head tilted back so he could look at him.

This time Sungmin grabbed the back of Kyuhyun’s head and pulled him down before they pressed their lips together.

And before a wail once again disturbed them.

Chuckling Sungmin released his new partner and patted him on the shoulder.

‘I’ve got this.’

Kyuhyun smiled softly, watching the back of the retreating man.