1. There won't be an update next week. I won't be even remotely close to computer to pull that off. Hope you'll forgive me!

2. I wish some of you understood that Kyuhyun WON'T take Sunkyu's place in Sungmin's heart. It doesn't work that way. Sunkyu was and forever will stay Sungmin's love and soulmate. Don't be disrespectful even if that is a fictional character. No one can replace someone dear when they're gone.

List of kids and parents:

Parents ⇒ kids

Kyuhyun ⇒ Chunghee [5yo]

Sungmin ⇒  Sungrin [18 months]

Siwon/Sooyoung ⇒ Jiyah [2yo], Jiyoung [5yo], Jisoo [7]

Ryeowook/Hyelim ⇒ Kyuyoung [4], Yuri [1 month]

Kibum/Hyoyeon ⇒ Hyosung, Hyojin [4yo]

Jessica/ Shindong ⇒ Haeun [3yo]

Jongwoon/Luna ⇒ Jinwook [5yo]

Youngwoon/Taeyeon ⇒ Youngjin [5yo], Minyoung [11yo]

***

Sungmin halted and quickly raised his hands before the contents of the trays he was carrying spilled all over the grass. When the threat, in the form of three kids he couldn’t remember the names of, run past him he sighed with relief and continued on his way to the table with food. Sooyoung made everyone participate in setting the party and so each guest entering the premises was immediately given a task. Kyuhyun was currently helping Siwon with trying to figure out the siphon for the beer keg. It was supposed to have some complicated switch to prevent kids from being able to use it. Apparently the adults dealing with it weren’t all that bright either.

After setting down the trays he snatched a cracker with salmon and avocado from one and turned to take in all of the chaos around. Tons of people he knew from nursery and some he had never seen in his life before and who were probably some relatives or work friends of Chois, were scuffling around the yard and between the tables, chairs and toys littering the ground. Sooyoung had a great idea with spreading the sail-like cloth between the fences so that half of the backyard was in shade. She must have been quite experienced with the preparations of such parties because there were fancy-looking ice trays under the food that could go bad in such hot weather. Everything had a very sophisticated touch to it but managed to stay homey. Sungmin even felt overdressed in his khakis and designer polo, considering that Siwon and Kyuhyun were running around in cut-off sweats and sleeveless t-shirts. Similarly to most of the guests. Even women looked more like they just left home in the middle of watching their favorite soaps while lying lazily on their couches.

‘I came in a suit the first time.’

Sungmin’s head turned to look at his new companion. He remembered the man’s name to be Ryeowook, they talked during the play day at nursery, but only for a brief moment before the man had to take his exhausted wife home. It was quite a surprise Hyelim even decided to leave home after her surgery was not that long prior.

When a question furrowed Sungmin’s brows the other male chuckled.

‘You’re tugging at your polo while looking at some people. Quite obvious give away.’ Ryeowook himself was in shorts and a t-shirt. He had a sling draped across his chest, his youngest daughter sleeping peacefully in it among all the ruckus around. ‘Next year you’ll know.’

Releasing a breath with amusement Sungmin nodded. ‘Yeah, I think we’re here to stay.’

They were just observing the crowd as things were finally starting to look more or less organized. Sungmin caught the glimpse of a cringing Hyelim working around the cups.

‘How’s your wife?’ He inquired, body tilting towards the slightly shorter male.

Ryeowook cocked his head and threw a glance at his wife.

‘She’s okay. There were quite severe complications after Yuri.’ He sighed and a sad smile appeared on his face as his eyes fell down to his daughter. ‘We won’t have more children. Hyelim’s uterus had to be taken out, otherwise it would be dangerous for her life. She had a follow up procedure that’s supposed to make her produce hormones responsible for arousal and we’re waiting for her to heal completely now. I know she’s tired of it all and that she’s doing it for me. I wish I could take at least some of that pain onto myself.’

Sungmin blinked, slightly befuddled. He didn’t expect to get such a detailed report or the confession of feelings. As close as he was with Kyuhyun and as friendly as Sooyoung and Siwon were, he was still an outsider actually. At least that was what he was thinking up until that moment. And he was slightly taken aback – not knowing what he was supposed to say in such situation. He wouldn’t speak about Sunkyu to anyone here so easily. He told Kyuhyun because that seemed like the right thing to do to make their relationship progress.

‘Sorry.’ Suddenly Ryeowook turned red and rubbed at his face petulantly, as if anger arose in him momentarily. ‘I shouldn’t have, you’re not familiar with all of us and you don’t have to care about all that stuff. I just suddenly felt that I need to tell you that. Besides, everyone knows, we don’t keep secrets like that here in case there is a possibility someone might help. If we did Jessica wouldn’t have contacted her sister, who is a nurse at that one particular hospital, where they help cases like ours. Sorry.’

Swallowing thickly Sungmin blurted out before his mind could connect with his tongue. ‘My wife died last year, half a year after giving me Sungrin.’

The way Ryeowook’s head snapped up and his eyes widened Sungmin was sure Kyuhyun didn’t speak about Sunkyu to anyone. He didn’t think the man would, but there was always that gnawing at the back of his head, reminding him what his parents where always instilling into his and his brother’s brains. People betray even the closest ones.

‘I’m so sorry.’ Ryeowook almost whispered. His daughter must have felt the distress of her parent because there was some fussing from the sling and a wail tore through the noise. ‘I’m…’ The man was looking lost at what he was supposed to do. Stay and keep company to the newcomer who just shared such tragic piece of himself, or tend to his daughter’s need.

Sungmin smiled tightly before shaking his head as if silently telling Ryeowook that he didn’t want any kind of pity.

‘That’s okay. Just… go.’

With last wavering look Ryeowook nodded and quickly made his way towards the house where he could check up on his child.

Sungmin shifted uncomfortably and threw a quick look towards the playpen where the youngest children where entertaining themselves on a huge pillow. Sungrin was laughing and clapping, eyes glued to Hyukjae, like every other child, as the man kept making funny stories with his sock-puppets.

It was good. Sungrin needed other children around for proper development.

Digging his hands deep into his pockets Sungmin tried to breathe slowly, the clenching of his heart telling him to grab his child and just run, back to the apartment. Back to the seaside. Back to the huge and empty house his family built for him and Sunkyu in the months before their wedding, before they were brave enough to say that they’re going to live in the capital, away from the family business.

That house was far, far away from all of these people who he didn’t know, who suddenly seemed like suffocating crowd wanting all of his life served on a silver platter. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t tell everything just like that. Sunkyu was his. They had no business in coercing him into telling how she was torn away from him and from Sungrin. He was no pity wagon, he didn’t need anyone’s sympathy because those few years with Sunkyu were enough for a lifetime and he didn’t want anyone to think or explain to him once again that she surely knew, that there must have been a history of the illness in her family and that she betrayed him. Or that he could have tried more to find a way to save her.

He should have gone back to the seaside. Just him and Sungrin. No one asking, prying. No one telling him there were no secrets.

Despite the hot weather he was feeling chills erupting in waves all over his body, his face suddenly moist with cold sweat, nails digging into his thighs though the thin material of the insides on his pockets. And his lungs. They were burning, they were ready to explode any minute now.

A gentle, but determined, hand grabbed the back of his neck and hauled him to walk. He didn’t see where he was going, the faces of people were distorted, he didn’t know them. Didn’t know any of those people. And they wanted to know, wanted to talk about Sunkyu.

His body shook violently with a shudder. But it was silent around. And the air smelled different. Like air freshener. Wasn’t he outside just now?

The same hand that grabbed him was now brushing through his hair, long fingers going through his dampened strands. And he was pressed into something solid. Something emanating so much warmth he could only get drawn to it more, press his whole body into it, his face snug against the hot skin.

There was no telling how much time has passed. No ticking in the room indicating that there was any kind of clock inside. But his panic subsided. The fog that suddenly fell onto his mind dissipated, the shaking of his body stopped and he could tell with certainty that he was indoors.

The need for a deep breath made him unclench the tight grip he had on the material of whoever’s been holding him shirt and drop his hands from being wrapped around a hard body.

With the breath he took in the familiar scent of a chocolate body wash. The only one that made Chunghee bath without making too much of a fuss. And with another breath he managed to extricate himself from the entanglement of limbs he was apparently in and take a step back. His polo felt damp and it was stuck to his back and chest.

Upon lifting his eyes he looked at Kyuhyun’s worried face but didn’t say anything for a moment. He felt around him and plopped down onto an office chair he pulled from the desk in front of it. It seemed they were in some kind of a home office. It was silent, he couldn’t hear the sounds from the outside. Strange, considering he remembered how many people were at the party. Were they still at Chois’ place even? Maybe he out for longer than he thought.

‘What happened?’ Sungmin’s voice was croaky and harsh. As if he didn’t use it in some time, and his throat was still constricted.

Some shifting told Sungmin that the other male was moving around, and soon enough Kyuhyun pulled a chair next to his and sat down, face first to his side.

‘I’m not exactly an expert, but I’d say you had a pretty impressively cloaked panic attack.’ Kyuhyun’s voice was terse and the man was looking at him askance. He didn’t ask anything and waited. Just waited.

‘I told Ryeowook about Sunkyu. I don’t know why. I just did.’ He blurted, surprise lacing his words as if he was speaking about someone else’s actions.

‘Okay.’ Kyuhyun slowly leaned forward to prop his arms on his knees and extended his hand towards Sungmin. He grabbed the man’s hand and run soothing circled into the still sweaty palm. ‘And it brought on something that triggered your panic?’

Sungmin blinked trying to swim through the hazy memories.

‘He told me about Hyelim.’ Kyuhyun nodded to that, his thumb never ceasing the motion. ‘And then told me there are no secrets here. That everyone tell each other everything.’

Why had that terrified him so much? He told Kyuhyun about Sunkyu and it was fine. The man didn’t ask anything and didn’t pry into the story. But others might. What then? He didn’t want to be accused of not trying enough again.

‘.’

The curse made him look at Kyuhyun who was hastily ruffling the papers on the desk, opening the drawers and generally looking for something that he found when he opened second from the bottom drawer. He quickly pulled it out and pressed to Sungmin mouth.

‘Breath into this.’ Kyuhyun commanded and only then Sungmin noticed his breathing increased rapidly again.

It took another few minutes for him to calm down again. The attack wasn’t over. It was dormant and just waiting to be triggered again.

‘Sungmin, I have no idea what happened there and I’m certain Ryeowook didn’t mean whatever he did. I can grab Sungrin and take you home if you want.’ The man was speaking efficiently, fast, while one of his hands was still soothingly massaging his while the other wrapped around his own holding the bag to his mouth.

Suddenly Sungmin shook his head.

‘No.’ His voice was distorted by the bag. ‘No, can’t be alone. I’ll just… leave.’

Kyuhyun’s lips pressed into a tight line. ‘Okay. We can’t have you do that.’ He couldn’t have known what leaving meant, but he still acted along with it. ‘We’ll stay here as long as you need and then, when you’re ready to get out, you’ll decide what you want to do. Yes?’

Sungmin’s eyes were glued to Kyuhyun's, taking in everything the man was saying to him. He distinctly recognized the voice the younger was using as the one he talked to his own son in.

It took another half an hour for Sungmin to be sure he wouldn’t have another panic attack. He hadn’t spoken during that whole time and neither did Kyuhyun.

‘I… I can go.’ Finally, Sungmin pushed himself up from the chair, swaying just slightly. But he didn’t have to worry about falling because Kyuhyun’s grip was holding him up.

‘Good. Just one thing Sungmin.’ This time Kyuhyun’s voice was back to the normal one, back to the tone he spoke in with Sungmin every day. He stepped in front of him, hand sliding from gripping the elder’s upper arm to the wrist. ‘They are good people, out there. Whether you decide to tell them or not, they will understand and won’t ask, they won’t, believe me. You don’t have to speak about Sunkyu, about your previous life – you can keep them as yours as long as you want, even forever. If you ask me to act as if I don’t know anything, I will. If you want to stay among everyone, just be. Don’t think you have to tell anyone anything. It might not keep them away from talking to you, but you’re not required to reciprocate. Just be, with us. Me.’

As words were pouring from Kyuhyun Sungmin could feel serenity spreading through his body. He didn’t have to say anything. Kyuhyun was right. No one ever asked him to speak and he was sure Kyuhyun would speak to Ryeowook, tell him to forget, to never mention it to anyone. And besides – they didn’t know anything.

Slowly, he nodded and took a deep breath. He was still feeling raw and as if his thoughts were all out on his face, but he knew that was not possible.

‘Okay. I’m okay.’ He finally said under his breath.

This time it was Kyuhyun’s turn to nod. But before they left the calmness of the office room Kyuhyun once again run his fingers through his hair and Sungmin smiled softly.

He wasn’t sure if he leaned in or if Kyuhyun lowered his head first. Most probably they both moved.

The kiss was soft and safe. Like he would kiss Sungrin after his son woke up scared of something in his dream. Like Kyuhyun was just reassuring him that it was all good. That he was fine and that the younger would make sure he stayed that way.

***

‘So what happened?’

Kyuhyun almost dropped the spoon he was putting the salad on his paper plate with. He probably wouldn’t have been as surprised if he weren’t completely distracted, eyes glued to the other side of the yard looking at Sungmin.

Dropping a hefty amount of potatoes with chicken, and some other things he didn’t care about as long as he had meat, he pushed the spoon back into the bowl and swerved towards the person who almost made him jump out of his skin.

Siwon was looking expectantly at him from over his glasses.

Rolling his eyes Kyuhyun sighed. He knew that sooner or later he will be cornered about the issue. Thankfully, Siwon was the only one, beside him, who noticed Sungmin’s panic attack. But that also meant Kyuhyun wouldn’t be able to wiggle his way out of that conversation without saying at least something. He felt compelled, Siwon was his best friend, after all, and it didn’t seem right to hide anything from him. Especially since both Chois were very open with him as well.

‘Not really something I can talk about without his consent.’ He hoped that it would be enough to stop his friend from prying too deep.

Sighing Siwon grabbed a small cutlet that arrived straight from the barbecue a moment ago and bit into it immediately. He chewed thoughtfully for a moment before swallowing and once again focusing his attention on Kyuhyun.

‘Is there something we could do to never trigger it again?’

And by we Kyuhyun knew Siwon meant their society in general. They were a close knit community after all, news traveled fast, but they also protected those who seemed to need it.

‘Just… maybe don’t ask him about his past and his wife.’ Kyuhyun answered thoughtfully. He looked down at the salad on his plate and suddenly didn’t feel like eating. He remembered the panic that leaked out of Sungmin’s eyes when they managed to get to Siwon’s office unnoticed. ‘He told me about it and it seemed that he’s fine and mostly over. Or as much over as one could be after such a short time. But I think something happened and he wants to keep the memory of his wife to himself. I guess it has something to do with his family, I get a feeling he escaped here from them.’

Siwon nodded slowly, listening attentively to every word. Which looked just a little comical since he was munching on his cutlet all the while.

‘Okay, we can do that. I’ll talk to Sooyoung and she’ll come up with something to tell the girls. They’ll probably just feel it’s hard for him, losing his wife so early, and leave him be.’

Yeah, Kyuhyun mused, that was a good approach.

His eyes once again traveled towards the smiling man near the playpen. Sungmin had one hand pushed into his pants’ pocket, the other wrapped around a cup with juice. Kyuhyun knew, because he fetched the refreshment for him.

After they emerged from the house again Sungmin gravitated towards the playpen and stayed close to it ever since. As if the presence of Sungrin was comforting for him. He also didn’t seem to like when Kyuhyun was going anywhere farther and longer than to get some food or drinks.

Clapping Siwon on the shoulder Kyuhyun started towards his… towards Sungmin. He didn’t know how to define their relationship. They were friends, that much was obvious. And there was all the flirting and touching, but neither of them ever spoke of anything more than that. And the kiss… Kyuhyun didn’t feel any kind of shift in himself or in the way Sungmin spoke or looked at him. That was the right thing to do, the comforting gesture. Like his son’s hair when the boy was sad or scraped his knee. Something natural, something he didn’t question the propriety of.

However, he didn’t know how to proceed from there on. Where they supposed to make it something more regular? Would they start greeting each other that way, kiss goodbye? He knew that they were approaching the grey area between friendship and dating, not anymore in one, but not exactly in the other yet. And he was still battling with his own insecurities, wondering if that was the right course to take. Sungmin didn’t seem to have any doubts about that, judging from all the touching and suggestive comments coming from him whenever they were having dinners together. And apparently neither of them wanted to give up easily, no matter how uncertain Kyuhyun still was, if their recent misunderstanding, and the way they were both relieved to find out everything was okay between them, was any indication.

Sungmin tore his eyes away from Youngwoon’s face, however not stopping whatever he was saying to the man, when Kyuhyun approached and gave him a plate with the same salad that was sitting on the younger’s one. He nodded his thanks and went back to discussing the pros and cons of today’s estate market as he saw them in opposition to what Youngwoon must have told him from the perspective of an agent. He seemed content and well enough, no traces of earlier anxiety visible. But Youngwoon had that effect on people, too. He might have been in a nasty divorce dispute with his ex-wife, but in general he was a calming presence. The man’s youth was rebellious and riotous enough, culminated with a short stay in a correctional facility right before he entered army. Currently he was the haven of calmness and Zen.

Feeling safe to leave Sungmin in the hands of his friend, Kyuhyun quickly demolished his plate – his hunger back once again. After placing a reassuring hand on Sungmin’s back, to inform him that he was going away for a moment but he’ll still be close, Kyuhyun turned towards the playpen.

Chunghee was sitting in front of it, Jisoo and Youngwoon’s son Youngjin beside him. They were talking loud between themselves, showing things to their small audience in the playpen. It consisted of course of Sungrin, who was giggling gleefully, Jisoo’s younger sister Jiyah and two barely crawling kids of Sooyoung's sisters.  This time Sungrin was dressed in a green t-shirt with a hood (always the hood!) which had a pair of round pompons on it with black and white spots imitating eyes. From earlier inspection Kyuhyun knew that the inside of the hood was red, and there were pinkish straps coming from the inside of the hood with small flies attached to the ends – Sungrin was a frog. The kids were apparently much more enthusiastic about the show before them than all of the toys tossed into the playpen. 

‘What’s going on here?’ Kyuhyun crouched next to Jisoo and patted the boy’s head. Siwon’s oldest was spending so much time at his home when he was younger that sometimes it felt like he had two kids.

‘We’re showing Chunghee’s brother and Jiyah the puppets Hyo-ssi made with us.’ Jisoo immediately supplied Kyuhyun with an answer.

Brows hitching, Kyuhyun looked bemused at the boy. ‘Chunghee’s brother?’

Jisoo nodded and waved his socketed hand at his own sister who was clawing at the playpen’s net. The boy was very fond of her, according to Siwon he took his big brother role very seriously.

‘Sungrin, dad.’ Chunghee rolled his eyes at the questioning look from his father.

A small smile appeared on Kyuhyun’s lips before he chuckled. Apparently Chunghee adopted Sungrin without his knowledge.  He didn’t know why he was even surprised, considering how attached his son grew to the younger kid. Never before he had shown such dedication towards any other of the children Kyuhyun was taking care of as a sitting partner. Sure, he up a fast friendships with Jisoo and Youngjin and the trio seemed attached at the hips when the oldest of them was still in the nursery, but the connection with Sungrin appeared to be much different.

Leaning back, most of his weight supported on his heels as he crouched, he regarded his own son with more scrutiny. Was Chunghee lonely without a sibling? Or was that a matter of being raised by a single parent? The boy often fell into silence and contemplation, but the psychologist reassured Kyuhyun that he was just that kind of a child. That his development was perfectly normal and there was nothing to lose sleep over. However, since Sungmin and Sungrin entered their life Chunghee’s moments became fewer and father apart. He could immediately snap out of his reverie, without Kyuhyun needing to repeat himself like before.

Sighing, Kyuhyun pushed himself up and with one last look toward the kids went back to Sungmin’s side. There was enough confusion for the day. He should try and enjoy what was left of the party.