When Kyungsoo was in high school, ipods had just started making their way to the market. Far from ubiquitous, only the kids from the well-to-do families received them as special gifts for holidays and birthdays. Kyungsoo was pretty sure that had his mother lived, he might have gotten one too--mom liked to spoil him when she could--but as it stood, he was stuck with his walkman. Not that he particularly minded; there was something comforting in listening to old CDs on an old machine when life changed far too quickly.

Those days, Kyungsoo liked to get to school early so he could enjoy a few moments to himself before the nervous, chaotic energy of high school kicked in and overwhelmed him. He would sit at his desk with his head down, blasting incomprehensible yet vaguely familiar Japanese rock through worn earbuds. The loud music against the calm winter morning---a welcome relief from the dank apartment with its stifling despair.

That morning started out no differently, giving little hint that the day would unfold in such an dramatically unexpected way. Kyungsoo was only half-conscious, pale cheek pressed against cold wood and thoughts a thousand miles away, when he felt someone tug one of his earbuds out. Startled, he bolted upright and blearily studied his surroundings. It took only a moment for him to lock eyes with the boy that hovered at the side of his desk, still holding onto his missing earbud.

"Hey." Kim Jongin, peering down through half-lidded eyes at the sitting Kyungsoo, looked only half awake. Strands of his hair stuck this way and that. His voice sounded unusually deep for a high school student. Kyungsoo didn't know what to make of him.

"Can I listen with you?" It wasn't much of a question--Jongin was already stuffing Kyungsoo's earbud into his own ear as he plopped down into the adjacent desk. Under Kyungsoo's speechless stare, Jongin merely slouched into his seat and closed his eyes.

"Dir En Grey?" A pause, as Jongin listened to the song. "Good choice." Then he fell silent.

In retrospect, Kyungsoo could have said a number of things.

What are you doing?

Why are you here?

Can I have my headphone back?

But at that moment, Kyungsoo's mind blanked. He stuttered a quiet thanks?, and waited for Jongin's next move. Only there was no next move--by all accounts, Jongin seemed to have already fallen asleep. Kyungsoo, realizing the situation, sat stiffly in his chair and turned his head away to stare out that window. His senses tingled from Jongin's presence and he wanted to shake the other boy awake, but that seemed against the rules somehow, as if he would be conceding too much. It's no big deal right, to share headphones? Maybe people did it all the time, and he just didn't know, because he didn't have friends--it would be embarrassing if he made a big deal about it. That's right, better to play it cool.

The two boys sat silently until the first footsteps and chatter of other students began to echo down the hallways. Jongin slid out of his seat and quietly handed back Kyungsoo's ear piece.

"Thanks."

"Oh. Uh. N-no problem."

Kyungsoo felt a sense of relief wash over him as he watched Jongin glide to the back of the room. At the same time, the fledging tingle of disappointment hit him too, because though the uncertainty of sitting by Jongin had been excruciating, it had also been special in its own way. A special occurrence on an otherwise mundane morning, and now it was over.

***

That day, Kyungsoo made it until lunchtime before he felt the need to escape. With his sparsely packed bag, he wandered to the back entrance of the school building before he was stopped.

"Need a lift?"

Jongin again. Leaning against the brick walls of the school with a cigarette dangling from his finger, he looked far out of Kyungsoo's league. Kyungsoo stared at him in bewilderment.

"I can give you a ride," Jongin explained patiently, albeit with a hint of boredom. "If you want, that is."

"O-oh. Why would you...?"

Jongin shrugged. "I was about to leave too. My bike's parked just outside."

There it was again, that simultaneous feeling of exhilaration of disappointment. Of course he wasn't waiting for you, Kyungsoo reprimanded himself. But all the same, it seemed exciting. Someone--one of the coolest people in class, someone who never bothered with him before--offering him a ride. He wanted to ask why--why me? why now? what do you want?-- but maybe that would ruin it. Maybe Jongin would retract his offer. Better to take him up on it now, because really, what were the chances?

"Sure. Thanks."

Kyungsoo wished he could tell his mom--she always wanted him to have more friends. 

***

As it turned out, by bike, Jongin had meant motorbike. Zipping along the Seoul highway in the dead of winter, Kyungsoo felt as if he were being cut by blades of wind. It hurt like hell, and he was scared. Clutching gingerly at the stretch of seat between himself and Jongin, he wished he had made a different choice. He hoped he wouldn't fall off and crack his head open.

Above the whistle of the wind, Kyungsoo heard Jongin yell, "Hold on to me!"

Embarrassed, Kyungsoo shook his head no, but that only prompted Jongin to steer one-handed as he used the other to grab Kyungsoo's arm and hook it around his waist. "You'll fall off, you !"

Seemingly with no choice, Kyungsoo hugged Jongin around the middle. He definitely wished he had made a different choice. Or did he? It was weird, putting his arms around another boy. He didn't think he liked it. It made him feel self conscious. He wondered if the drivers to their side were judging him, for riding like a girl. But Jongin was warm. He felt more stable.

For all his discomfort, the ride was exhilarating. Even today, on lonely, boring nights, Kyungsoo would sometimes think of that ride, the wind cutting at his face, his arms around Jongin's warm body, himself a bundle of nerves, drowning in cold sweat, but feeling so, so, excited. 

The ride ended soon enough.

As Kyungsoo hopped off, Jongin remained seated, expression nonchalant. "Are you...heading back?"

Jongin shrugged. "No, don't think so. Gonna go see Lu Han--you remember him from a couple days ago? He's staying at home because he broke his leg skiing. Think we're gonna hang out or something."

"Oh. Well. Thanks."

Jongin shrugged again. No big deal. 

"I'll see you around?"

"Yeah. Sure." 

Kyungsoo watched Jongin turn his bike around to go the other way. Another special occasion, coming to its end. Just him and the empty apartment again, thinking about mom, and death, and the hopeless future. He couldn't stop the words from tumbling from his mouth:

"Hey, do you wanna come up?"

"What?"

"Um. I mean, no one's home. You can stay if you want. I have...food and DVDs and stuff, you wanna...hang out?"

"Oh, uh...no, I think..."

Kyungsoo felt his heart sink as Jongin fumbled with his words. Of course, he wouldn't stay. That was stupid. Now it's awkward again. Kyungsoo s for ways to salvage the situation, but draws blank. . 

Beep beep. Jongin's phone goes off--new text message. He stops mid-sentence, and his expression changes. 

"Actually," Jongin says just as Kyungsoo's about to dig a hole and bury himself, "I'll take you up on that?"

"What?"

"I mean, let's hang out? Lu Han's busy and I don't have anywhere else I need to be."

Kyungsoo, despite his best efforts not to, beamed at Jongin with genuine happiness. 

"Great!"

***

It became a recurring deal for the next few weeks. Jongin never seemed to have anything pressing to do in the afternoons. Other than the first day, he never mentioned the need to visit Lu Han again. Kyungsoo assumed that, somehow, Lu Han managed to remain incredibly busy for the duration of his recovery period. And like that, ditching afternoon classes became par the course, despite his teachers looks of disapproval. No one ever called him out on it though--they pitied his loss of a parent. And his dad certainly never cared, always out drinking at odd hours of the day. And so it came to be that Jongin and Kyungsoo would spend afternoons at Kyungsoo's apartment. 

For the most part, they spent it in companionable silence, watching whatever was on--kid's shows, anime, dramas for old housewives. They helped themselves to soda and candy for lunch, until neither could stand it anymore. Then Kyungsoo would cook, which Jongin seemed to like, which made Kyungsoo happy.

Sometimes, Kyungsoo felt like it was too good to be true. A fat kid like him, hanging out with Kim Jongin? Friends with Kim Jongin? How ridiculous. Maybe it was all a dream, and one day he would wake up and it'd just be him again. Only, that too seemed unfathomable. How could he live alone again, now that he was used to Jongin? He couldn't, wouldn't, let that happen. 

Maybe that's why he reacted the way he did. It had been a couple weeks of tenuous friendship. Kyungsoo was growing comfortable--too comfortable--around Jongin. They were watching Prince of Tennis, another stupid anime, but for some reason, Kyungsoo started crying. Maybe it was Ryoma's fantastic shot, or maybe it was because he had once watched this same episode with his mom, or maybe he was just sad for no particular reason. But there he sat, trying to hide his tear drenched face in his hands, when Jongin gently pushed his hands aside and brushed a tear away with his thumb. Kyungsoo watched breathless as Jongin leaned closer, closer, closer, pausing for just a moment to stare into Kyungsoo's large eyes, before pressing a kiss against his lips. 

"Don't cry," Jongin whispered in his husky deep voice after pulling away just slightly. 

"W-what?"

"Don't cry. It makes me sad. I like you. You're--"

Ugly? Fat? Dumb? 

"--special."

Jongin leaned closer again as Kyungsoo held his breath. "I like you," Jongin repeated softly. "You like me too, right?"

Like? Like in what sense? Kyungsoo didn't know. He wanted Jongin to stop. Or explain. Or something. His heart beat a thousand beats a minute. Could they still be friends if he said no? But was it a no or a yes? 

Stop. Please stop. 

His eyelids fluttered shut as Jongin kissed him again. 

***

"I thought we were getting lunch."

Kyungsoo rolled his eyes as he slid into his desk. "No. Do you not see how much work we have?"

"But you told them you were taking me out to reward me for being such a great intern--"

"Sehun, you better shut up or I'll just straight up fire you now instead of letting you stay until the end of summer."

Sehun frowned at Kyungsoo. "Well, someone got up on the wrong side of the bed today."

"Back to work."

He shouldn't be mad at Sehun, actually, because he had told them he'd take Sehun out to lunch. They had a meeting earlier that morning, him with Lu Han and Jongin, and he had grabbed Sehun along for the ride last minute and against his protests ("it'd be educational for you, really"). The four of them sitting around a conference table, poring over stacks and stacks of financial statements and projections, Kyungsoo wanting to get the hell out of there, every minute being torture. Every eye contact with Jongin, every ing smile from Lu Han. Just shoot him, really.

As, they neared the end of the meeting, Lu Han suggested getting lunch.

"We haven't seen you for so long," he said, eyes twinkling merrily. Then, to Sehun, "Kyungsoo went to school with us. We were really good friends. Too bad we lost contact for awhile. I know a great sandwich place down the street!"

No. Was what Kyungsoo wanted to say, but it seemed unprofessional--he needed an excuse. Sehun must have noticed his uneasiness. With his usual deadpan expression, he hooked an arm through Kyungsoo's, as if they were high school girl friends.

"Hyung promised to take me out today, actually. Didn't you, hyung?"

All eyes turned expectantly to Kyungsoo. Jongin's looked especially piercing.

Well, him.

"Yeah, Sehun's been a big help and you know, the rest of our week's pretty booked so I want to make sure I have a chance to take him out." Blah blah, we should get going, blah blah, it's great seeing you guys again, ask if you need help, blah blah, alright bye, see you around. 

When Kyungsoo felt Sehun shoot another glare at him, he sighed and walked over, a homemade cookie in hand.

"Here," he said, handing the cookie over. "I made it. Sorry for bailing--I just really do have a lot of work to do. Meeting with Kris first thing tomorrow to go over the reports on BDT." 

Sehun frowned. "BDT?"

"You know, the new pregnancy pill we just rolled out. Apparently the reports are important for this round of auditing. Anyway, try the cookie. I'll make it up to you some other time." Then, before walking back: "And thanks, by the way. For helping out."

Sehun rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. You owe me, hyung."

***

April flowers, May showers. Kyungsoo wondered why he always forgot his umbrella when there were downpours. He eyed the torrential rain with some consternation as he stood on the front steps of the building, wondering whether he should risk the run to the metro or whether he should wait. 

A silver lexus slowed to a stop on the street just before him. 

"Hey, you need a ride?" It was Jongin, shouting through an open window. Kyungsoo stared at him in surprise. "I can drive you!" 

Finally coming to his senses, Kyungsoo shook his head ferverishly. 

"Come on! You can't walk in this rain! Is this still about what happened before?" Kyungsoo noticed people--passerbys, colleagues--beginning to stare as Jongin continued shouting. "Because I--"

Kyungsoo quickly ran to the car and hopped in the passenger side.

"Oh hey--"

"People are staring."

Jongin looked around and grinned sheepishly. "Sorry about that. Look, I just--"

"Just drive, okay? Shut up and drive.

***

The silence in the car was beginning to feel opressive. After giving his cross streets, Kyungsoo stared sullenly out the window, resolutely refusing to speak again. He could feel Jongin turn to look at him every so often, but he ignored it. Finally, when it felt like the car might implode from silence, Jongin spoke.

"I want to apologize." His voice was steady, deeper than when he was eighteen. "Apologize for what Lu Han and I did. We were really stupid. We didn't--we didn't know how to care about other people. Everything was a game. I'm sorry you got hurt."

Kyungsoo wished he could block out the voice. He wondered if he opened his eyes really wide, if they would dry up and the tears would flow inward instead.

"And I'm sorry we left without explaining ourselves. Our parents were angry--they were adamant about sending us abroad--it wasn't--we wished we could have seen you one more time. I'm sorry."

"I'm really sorry."

Another stretch of silence. Everything looked bleary through the rain. Or were they tears after all? Kyungsoo wasn't sure. He thought he might throw up. He wanted to get out of the car.

Jongin cleared his throat and started again. "And I...I know you probably don't want to talk about that anymore, so I won't, but there's something else I have to say to you. And look, I know you don't trust me or Lu Han anymore, after what we did to you. But I promise, I swear this has nothing to do with it."

The urgency in Jongin's voice caught Kyungsoo attention; he turned to look at Jongin despite himself. 

"I want you to quit your job."

Kyungsoo's eyes widened. "What?"

"You need to leave Wu Di Group."

"What are you talking about?"

"Look, the company isn't...it's complicated and I can't disclose anything, but you really need to leave as soon as possible. I can help you find another job, any job you want, but you need to leave now--"

"-- you, Kim Jongin." Kyungsoo's voice was quiet, controlled, but it couldn't hide the rage boiling in the pit of his stomach. "If you think you can just walk back into my life and start telling me what to do again--"

"--No! It's not about that! I swear, it's just that the company--"

"--I'm not your toy anymore, okay? I'm not a stupid toy caught up in your stupid little game! I have my own life, my own career, and I can't help it if we're on the same project, but just know that I would've been so happy if I never had to look at your face again, so you need to back the off."

"No, listen--"

"Stop the car."

"I don't want you to get in trouble--"

"Stop the car!" Kyungsoo screamed. Startled, Jongin swerved to a stop next to the curb, and before he could react, Kyungsoo had already left the car and slammed his door with a bang.

Jongin watched with a helpless frown as Kyungsoo's small, lonely figure disappeared into the downpour. He wished he could make him understand.

But more than that, he wished could have told him, told him that at some point, it had stopped being a game. At some point, when he kissed those heart shaped lips, or stared into those large beautiful eyes, he thought he had found eternity. 

Only, who would believe him now?