Baekhyun felt like banging his head against the wall; maybe that would help him remember all the things he was forgetting. He couldn’t remember Chanyeol at all, it was like someone had carefully erased every single memory he’d ever had of Chanyeol and touched nothing else. He also couldn’t remember why he was in the hospital in the first place, but that seemed less important than Chanyeol. Baekhyun was certain, that if he’d had a choice, he would not have chosen to forget Chanyeol; he would have chosen to forget everything expect Chanyeol.

What was it about Chanyeol, though? Why did Baekhyun feel this inexplicable attraction towards the other male? Whenever Chanyeol came around to see him, the most natural smile would appear on his face, and he just felt so incredibly happy. There was just something about Chanyeol, Baekhyun couldn’t explain it, but he could talk to him for hours on end, and he’d never get bored, or even look away from his face. From the deep crevices of his memory, Baekhyun could briefly recall a short conversation he had had with Yixing regarding love. Is that what he felt towards Chanyeol, did he love him?

One thing was certain though, Baekhyun felt something towards to Chanyeol, and it was more than friendship. He felt a strange sense of déjà vu as he thought about this, like he had experienced this feeling previously as well. Is that what Chanyeol wasn’t tell him, that the two of them used to be in a relationship? He made a mental note to himself to ask Chanyeol about that later as his mother entered the room, looking calm, and beautiful, with a wheelchair in her hands.

“Good morning, Baekhyun-ah,” She smiled. “Ready to go home?”

He was more than ready. For an entire month, he’d been stuck in this hospital bed. He could barely move, he wasn’t even able to sit up without pain shooting up his spine; he felt completely useless. He tried to pretend that he could still feel his legs, tried to pretend that he would be able to walk when he was allowed off the bed, but of course, he most likely never would again. On more than one occasion, he’d cried himself to sleep at the thought. Whatever had happened, it had stripped him of his freedom. He knew about the spine fracture, the arm fracture, the leg, not that that mattered, and the ribs. He’d been broken into actual pieces, and he didn’t even know how it happened. Pain coursed through what he could feel of his body as he struggled to sit up, he knew he wouldn’t be able to make it into the wheelchair without help, but he wanted to at least try.

His mother was by his bedside in an instant, practically carrying him into the wheelchair; Baekhyun felt embarrassed. For a moment, though, Baekhyun imagined that it was Chanyeol that was holding him, and he instinctually leaned into the touch, until he remembered that it was his mother. She settled him into the wheelchair, making sure that he was comfortable. His back was screaming in discomfort, but he never voiced that; he didn’t want his mother to worry anymore, he wanted her to believe that he was better. Baekhyun was fighting a losing battle; he had to bite back a cry of pain every time he was jostled in the slightest. As his mother pushed him out of the room, and eventually the hospital, Baekhyun kept looking back, hoping that Chanyeol would appear, but he never did.

When they arrived back the apartment, Yixing was waiting for them by the door. He looked tired, but happy, like something he had been waiting for finally happened. As Baekhyun was pushed into the apartment, Yixing leaned down and whispered into his ear, “It’s okay, Baekhyun-ah, you’re safe now.” Baekhyun smiled, thinking that he meant that he was safe because he was home, but the way he said also seemed to carry a different meaning. Baekhyun’s mother pushed him into the living room before leaving, saying that she would bring him and Yixing some fruit.

Baekhyun pulled the blanket off his legs, pretending he was warm, even though he couldn’t feel them. Desperate for something, even pain, he balled his right hand into a fist and punched his leg as hard as he could. That was a mistake. He felt nothing in his leg, but his arm was then throbbing with a dull pain.

“Baekhyun-ah, what are you doing?” Yixing was next to him in an instant, concern in his eyes. “Are you okay?”

It was a stupid question, and Baekhyun was sure that Yixing knew it, yet he still asked. No, he wasn’t okay; he was anything but ‘okay.’ Besides the fact that he could no longer feel his legs, he couldn’t even remember how he had fallen into such a pitiful state. He didn’t answer Yixing’s question, instead he just looked down at his lap, fighting the tears that were threatening to spill. And then Yixing’s arms were around him, and if it had been before, Baekhyun would have relaxed into his hold. At that moment though, Baekhyun found himself wishing that it were Chanyeol’s arms he was in.

“Yixing hyung, do you have Chanyeol’s number?” Baekhyun could feel Yixing tense at the mention of Chanyeol’s name. “He never gave me his number…”

“I… “ Yixing moved away from Baekhyun, his lips pursed, thoughtful. “You can’t contact him anymore, Baekhyun-ah.”

“What? Why not?” Baekhyun’s forehead creased in concern, his eyes on Yixing. “Did something happen to him?”

“He… he’s in jail.” Yixing looked away then, like he was guilty of something, and Baekhyun felt something break inside him.

“What do you mean he’s in jail?” Baekhyun’s voice came out as a squeak “What did he do?”

Yixing didn’t reply though, all he did was look down at the floor, like Baekhyun wasn’t even there. Baekhyun felt like everyone knew something he didn’t, which they most likely did, since he’d forgotten everything about Chanyeol. What was Yixing not telling him about Chanyeol? And what was Chanyeol trying to hide from him? Were they trying to protect him, or just purposely keep him in the dark? Frustrated, Baekhyun reached out with his left arm and took a hold of Yixing’s wrist.

“Tell me,” Baekhyun was begging, but he was also demanding. “I need to know…”

Yixing sighed, his gaze on Baekhyun’s hand. “…It’s a long story.”

Baekhyun stared at him, no words leaving his mouth, waiting for Yixing to continue. The silence was long and dragged out, but eventually Yixing took a deep breath, his eyes still not on Baekhyun.

“You don’t need to know…” Yixing said lamely. “At least not right now…”

Baekhyun opened his mouth to argue, to try to convince Yixing that he did, but then his mom was entering the room, and he chose not to.

“Hey mom,” Baekhyun turned his attention to her instead. “When’s dad coming home?”   

“Your… father?” A number of emotions crossed her face, from concern, to sadness, to guilt, and Baekhyun didn’t understand any of them.

“Yes, he’s been too busy with work to see me, right?” Baekhyun looked from his mother to Yixing, but neither of them was looking at him. “Did something happen to dad?”

“No, baby,” His mother came over to him, after setting a plate of strawberries down on the coffee table, and gently ruffled his hair. “Your father is just… on a long business trip.”

“Oh, okay,” Baekhyun wasn’t completely convinced, but if she was lying to him, it was for a good reason. “Do you know when he’ll be back?”

“…Not for awhile.” And then she left the room, like she had nothing else to say to him.

“I think I should go,” Yixing said then, abruptly, already making his way to the door. “I’ll see you later, Baekhyun-ah.”

Baekhyun didn’t say anything, just watched him leave, feeling more lost than ever; what was he forgetting now?

Baekhyun was walking through a sea of flames. That was the first sign that it was a dream, the fact that he was walking, and second, was the sea of flames. The fire was bright, tall, and strangely, they didn’t hurt when they touched him. He reached out, sticking a hand directly into them, but there was still nothing, like they weren’t there at all. Why flames though? Baekhyun wondered as he walked. And then he saw Chanyeol. He ran towards him, as fast as his legs would allow, but then he tripped. When he tried to stand up again, he found that he couldn’t feel his legs, his legs wouldn’t move.

He reached out towards Chanyeol, his arm reaching as far as it could go, screaming his name. Chanyeol didn’t react immediately, but then he was looking at him, at least Baekhyun thought he was. And then he was walking towards Baekhyun, but he didn’t stop, in fact, Chanyeol went right through him. He was calling out Baekhyun’s name. Baekhyun tried to tell him that he was right there, but he never got a response. The flames were hurting him now, burning his skin raw, peeling. Baekhyun screamed as the fire slowly began swallowing him up. Chanyeol was looking directly at him then, like he could see him. He ran towards him, he tried to pull him out of the fire, but it was no use. Baekhyun knew this was the end. Softly, he whispered goodbye, allowing his eyes to drift shut, not seeing the tears that ran down Chanyeol’s cheeks. It was much too late for that anyway.

“Hey, Baek,” Kyungsoo sat down next to Baekhyun on the couch, this awkward, sympathetic smile on his face. “How are you feeling?”

“Better, I guess,” Baekhyun replied. It was half true, because physically, everything was starting to feel better, but psychologically, things couldn’t be worse. “Everything hurts less, at least.”

“Oh, well, that’s good,” Kyungsoo nodded, this awkward smile on his face. “I’m sorry for not being around.”

“It’s fine, you were busy,” He said with a dismissive wave of his hand. “You’re here now, though. And now I’ll see you even less since I’ll no longer be going to school… My mom found out about the bullying.“

“Oh, I’m sorry…”

Baekhyun gave a shrug, because there was nothing else to say. He didn’t want to admit that he didn’t quite remember how his mother had found out, he just remembered having a talk with her where he had admitted to the bullying before agreeing to be pulled out of school; that was the last thing he remembered before waking up in the hospital.

“Did you hear?” Kyungsoo said suddenly, he looked almost happy about whatever he was referring to.

“About what?” Baekhyun asked, curious.

“The arsonist,” Kyungsoo sounded excited, turning the television on. “The one that’s been burning all those buildings down, they finally caught him.”

The news report was talking about just that as Kyungsoo flicked to the channel.

“…He is only eighteen years old,” She was saying, it was probably meant to make the situation seem more tragic, but the way it was said, it seemed almost like an afterthought. “He claims that he never meant to kill anyone, and that he just really likes fire.”

Baekhyun frowned, those words sounded really familiar to him, but he couldn’t remember where he’d heard them.

“Hey, isn’t that…?”

A photo of the alleged arsonist appeared on screen, and Baekhyun in a breath as he realized that he recognized him. The person on the screen was Chanyeol. So, Yixing was telling the truth; Chanyeol really was in jail, but for serial arson? Baekhyun couldn’t believe it; he refused to believe it. Even that thought sounded familiar. Why couldn’t he remember? As more confusing thoughts entered his head, one very clear memory emerged: his father was dead. And suddenly, his mother's behaviour earlier, and Yixing's, it all made sense. He could even understand why they had lied to him. The doctor had specified that under no conditions were any stress to be put on him, that he needed to remember everything himself.

His father was dead. Baekhyun's hands went to his head, clutching it, pulling his hair, he screamed, again, and again, until he dissolved into tears. 
He could feel Kyungsoo's confused but worried gaze on him, and Baekhyun didn't know what to do. His mother was at work, and Kyungsoo had volunteered to help out. He felt like someone had just poured a bucket of ice cold water on his head, waking him from an otherwise peaceful sleep, a cold dose of reality. 


"My father is dead..." Baekhyun whispered, his arms wrapped around himself awkwardly, rocking back and forth in his wheelchair. "I forgot my own father's death."


"I'm sorry, Baek," Kyungsoo muttered. "I didn't know..." 


"I remember he died in a fire..." Baekhyun wasn't sure if he was thinking out loud, or if he was actually asking Kyungsoo. "Does that mean Chanyeol killed him? How has mom been paying for all my hospital fees?"


Another memory emerged, one of him in the hospital, but he couldn't remember what he was there for. Suddenly, he became all too aware of his useless pinky. He stared at it for a while, and realised he couldn't feel it, just like he couldn't feel his legs. He began feeling overwhelmed; his hands that were still clutching his head began to shake. Blood, that's what he remembered next, so much blood. The bullies' faces, a knife being driven into his arm, dragged down his arm, more blood. Baekhyun was screaming again. 


"Stop!" He screeched. "Stop it! I don't want to remember anymore!"


Maybe this is why he forgot all this, because it was all so horrifying. Just how many things was he forgetting? The memories stopped, and Baekhyun was able to calm down, to an extent, his breath still coming out in harsh puffs. Kyungsoo's brows were furrowed, concerned. 


"Um, can I do anything for you, Baek?" Kyungsoo's voice was shaky, like Baekhyun's behaviour had scared him. "Water, or something to eat?"


"Can you turn the TV off?" The request came out as a harsh whisper. 


Kyungsoo turned the TV off hastily. He and Kyungsoo had never spent much time together, alone or outside of school, but Baekhyun knew that Kyungsoo cared about him, that much was undeniable. 


"I think I need to be alone..." Baekhyun said, his eyes on the black TV screen. "I'm sorry, Soo." 


There were quickly muttered reassurances as Kyungsoo left, offering well wishes, but Baekhyun heard none of them. After the door was shut behind Kyungsoo, Baekhyun started trying to go back to his bedroom, but then his wheel stopped moving. Desperate, he started shaking it, and he ended up on the floor in a heap of tangled limbs and blankets. Baekhyun cried out in frustration, pounding his fists uselessly into the floor. He didn't move though, not even attempting to right himself. And that was how his mother found him, hours later, on the floor, like he'd completely given up.

He called Yixing the next day, and all he got was an apology, nothing else.

Baekhyun begged his mother to take him to see Chanyeol a couple days later. He'd woken up covered in cold sweat, with a vague memory of being crushed by something, of Chanyeol’s face. He needed answers, and he needed then before he imploded trying to guess the truth. It took a little convincing, but his mother agreed. And then there he was, sitting face to face with Chanyeol, a thick sheet of glass between them. 


"Chanyeol-ah..." Baekhyun spoke first, placing a hand on the glass in front of him. "How are you?"


Chanyeol was dressed in one of those prison jumpsuits, and he looked like he'd aged about ten years in the last week. He sighed, clearly thinking Baekhyun's question was stupid, but then he was smiling at Baekhyun. 


"I'm okay, Baekhyun-ah," Chanyeol said, the words forced. "You don't need to worry about me... you shouldn't be here."


"I missed you, Chanyeol-ah," Baekhyun offered a sad smile. "And I started remembering things..."


Chanyeol paled considerably at those words, his skin almost ashen. He lowered his head, like he couldn't bear to face Baekhyun. 


"I loved you," Baekhyun admitted. "And I still love you. Despite forgetting you completely, finding out that you're in jail for arson, I've fallen for you all over again..."


"No, Baekhyun-ah," Chanyeol looked almost desperate as he pressed his hands against the glass. "Please no… You can't. Don't you remember what I've done? How much I've hurt you?!" His voice becoming steadily louder as those words left his mouth. 


"Are you responsible for my father's death?" Baekhyun asked then, and found that he wasn't surprised when Chanyeol nodded. "Are you somehow involved in that incident that caused me to lose feeling in my pinky?" Another nod. "In me ending up like... like this?" He asked, gesturing to himself. And Chanyeol just nodded again.

Baekhyun remembered then, vividly, how he had followed Chanyeol that one evening, watched him set that building on fire, confronted him, and then pushed him out of the way, the wall that had fallen on him; it was all related to Chanyeol. 


"The wall..." Baekhyun whispered, and Chanyeol looked away again. "No wonder you said I should hate you. Maybe I should hate you, but I can't. I still love you, Chanyeol-ah, despite everything."


"No, I'm not good for you," Chanyeol's voice was barely audible. "I'm not good for anyone."
And then he was gesturing towards the guard, asking to be taken away. 


"Chanyeol-ah, wait!" Baekhyun yelled, pounding the glass. "Wait, please..."


The switch was flipped of then, and Baekhyun knew he could no longer hear him. Before being led out though, Chanyeol turned to him, mouthing five words. 


I love you, I'm sorry...

Baekhyun's hands dropped down into his lap, stunned. Everything was true, Chanyeol was a murderer, an arsonist, and perhaps slightly psychotic, but Baekhyun still loved him, loved him deeply, unconditionally, like nothing else mattered. He hated himself, he hated that he couldn't hate Chanyeol, that after everything, he still loved him, but he couldn't help it. Baekhyun closed his eyes as his mother came in, asking if he was ready to go home, and he nodded. As she pushed him out, pushed him home, Baekhyun found himself realising a very scary truth: if it was by Chanyeol's hand, or for Chanyeol, he didn't even mind dying.

End of chapter 8

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I was going to post this last Saturday but then life and school got in the way, I'm sorry OTL So um, I swear with each chapter it just gets more depressing? so um, I'm going to end this soon, just so you know... 

Thank you to everyone that's upvoted, subscribed to, commented on, and just have taken the time to read this fic, it really means a lot to me ^_^

So until next time, hopefully two weeks, three at most. =3