To Suzy,

Sometimes I wish I could muster up the courage to send these letters to you. I’ve written three journal’s worth of letters you’ll never read, letters you’ll never know about. 

I’ve emptied you out a million times already. 

The hundreds of photos we took together have already gone up in smoke and tears. I burned them until they became ashes and then I burned their ashes. 

But do you know what’s funny? At the time, I still felt you lingering in the smoke, mingling with the melancholy. The fragrance of your lilac-scented hair still filled my nostrils, choking me.

My mind has already erased you, Suzy. My heart scrubbed you away countless times, but I could never get rid of the essence of you. The harder I scrubbed, the deeper you embedded yourself in me. The more I tried to forget you, the more vividly the memory of you envelops me.

Forty nine days after you left, I met another girl. And for a long while, I wholeheartedly believed that I loved her. Like you, everything about her was captivating. She has bright, curious eyes like yours and a smile as memorable as the first rays of sunshine after a thunderstorm. Her chestnut brown hair dips down to her lower back and I can never manage to resist the urge to it. The sound of wind chimes aren’t nearly as nice as the sound of her laughter. The way she whispers my name sends chills down my back. She makes a name like Myungsoo sound holy. 

You see, Suzy, we’re engaged. 

But sometimes your name still slips out between my lips. When I hold her, I feel like I’m holding you. When she smiles, I only see you. When we kiss, I only remember the feeling of your soft lips. When we hold hands, I only remember your fingers, intertwined with mine like an unspoken promise. 

But I’ve emptied you out a million times already.

My mind has already erased you.

My heart has already scrubbed you away. 

But my eyes, my ears, my hands, my face, my lips, my heart and my soul... only remembers you.