Shiver

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I go through the motions of waking up mechanically, brushing my teeth and switching my shirt for a clean black one. Today we will arrive at the Capitol, and I’m not ready at all. I don’t know who I will ally with. I don’t know who not to trust. I also need to decide on a strategy. Am I going to totally up to the Capitol for sponsors, or just stay unnoticed? Getting sponsors can, of course, help me survive, but it might also turn the rest of them against me if they see me as a potential threat. For now, I can only wait and see.

I choose to have breakfast in a smaller carriage instead, to avoid the others, but I can see it’s no use, since when I walk in Yixing is already there, nibbling on a muffin. He looks up when I enter, and smiles widely.

“Good morning, Minseok. How are you?”

I have no idea how me manages to look so calm, so balanced. Either he’s just that way, or can hide his emotions incredibly well. But I respond cordially.

“I’m as well as I can be, Yixing, but thank you for asking.” He nods, accepting my short response, and continues working on his muffin. Yixing is nice, and I could imagine pairing up with him, but I need to know if he can murder, and from what I remember about our childhood days, he couldn’t even kill an ant. Still, times change, and people with them. This game of uncertainty is killing me, and I don’t dare make any offers yet.

I take a seat opposite Yixing and reach out for a chocolate scone. Halfway through, my neck tingles and I look up to see Yixing studying me with his perplexing grey eyes. He doesn’t look away, but continues to stare. I stand up, pushing the chair out loudly. “Well. I’ll be seeing you around then.” He acknowledges me, finally looking away, and I escape with relief. My nerves feel frayed and worn down, and I can feel his gaze return to my back as I leave the carriage.

It makes no sense that this would bother me, but I am so eager to get away from Yixing’s unnerving stare that I almost sprint down the hallway in my haste. When I turn a corner, I nearly crash into Kyungsoo, who is accompanied by Jongin. Jongin glares, and I mutter a quick apology before hurrying away. Kyungsoo’s eyes are swollen and red.

My room doesn’t offer me comfort, and I only feel more constricted. My panic grows with each minute we near the Capitol, and barely minutes after getting back to my room, I exit again, walking blindly through the train until I finally reach the end and find a heavy metal door labeled ‘Back Carriage’. My hands reach out and push, and then I am at the very end of the train in a small carriage that has a wide glass window looking out behind the train itself.

For whatever reason, my nerves settle down and I sit on the edge of the one of the plush seats. The tracks almost look like they’re being into the train, and I shudder, not completely knowing why. The view is lovely, though. Tall uniform trees line either side of the track, and I spot several free wheeling birds in the sky. I’m not sure how long I sit there, but I find that I am soon calm and much more balanced than I was before. When I leave, I pat the door gently and say thank you.

I am able to wait out the rest of the ride without panicking again. When they speakers announce that we have arrived and the train begins its tell-tale slowing down, the tributes are asked to gather back in the main dining room in preparation for arrival. I don’t look back when I shut the door.

The hallway is busy, and doors open and close as the tributes step out. I fall in with Sehun and Chanyeol, trailing a little behind. Boa is waiting for us, and we gather silently around her, keeping to ourselves. The carriage jerks a little, and then comes to a final stop. Through the wide glass window, we can all see the tall Capitol building, where crowds of people are gathered, presumably to welcome us. Suddenly, Kyungsoo runs to the trash can and throws up. Jongin is over by his side in seconds, helping him up and glaring at us when he catches us staring. We all look away guiltily, feeling we have intruded on something private.

Then the train doors are opening with a hiss, and Boa is stepping out, leading the way for us to follow. My throat is tight, and for a moment I’m afraid that my feet are stuck and won’t move, but somehow I’m still keeping up with the rest of them, and we exit the train one by one into a crowd of cheering, faceless citizens.

I study the others’ faces as they pass. Jongin’s face is private and closed. Baekhyun looks terrified, and Tao’s fists are clenched. Kris is expressionless and Yixing, as always, looks serene. Kyungsoo looks like he wants to throw up again. But what about me? I think I probably look like a small scared child, and it’s true: I’m scared beyond belief.

I don’t think I’ll be making it home alive.

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