BONUS

To: [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]

Cc: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: I’ll ing destroy you…

…if any of you try to do anything weird at my wedding. I’m not kidding. I’ll straight-up you guys up. You guys think Kyungsoo is scary, that’ll be nothing compared to me if Jongdae even THINKS of doing his stupid Russian accent during his best man speech, or if Luhan makes any jokes at all when I ask him to give his speech. Luhan, as much as I love you, I will castrate you with a stapler if you tell the German hobo joke. Yifan, I’m going to ask you to please, please, PLEASE don’t try to “fix” or “improve” on the decorations. They cost a lot of money and effort. Kyungsoo, try not to kill anybody. Or, if you’re going to murder somebody, please do after the wedding. And Baekhyun+Chanyeol, whatever you’re planning, don’t do it. Just don’t do it. (Also, Baekhyun, everybody knows you’re Gossip Girl.) Yixing, a live horse with a unicorn horn isn’t an acceptable gift. Jongin, Sehun, and Zitao, I’d like to remind you that this is not a frat party, because if you think it’s ok to do keg stands at work, you guys will probably think it’s ok to start an at a wedding. Don’t. Minseok, I have nothing to complain about you. You’re my favorite.

If any of you make any bridezilla jokes, I will rescind your invitation. I’ll do it. You guys are, without a doubt, the most ed up group of people I have ever met, and I have never felt so justified writing angry emails towards anybody.

Lastly, I love you guys. Thanks for the past few years, you guys are the best family anybody could ask for. I’m truly grateful for everything you all have done, even the really, really weird things.

Recap: Saturday, June 16, 2018 at Joonmyun’s parents’ country house in Jeju. Don’t show up or in Hawaiian shirts or in anything but a suit. Please, please, please, and I can’t emphasize this enough, wear pants through the WHOLE EVENT.