Only God knew how much I wanted to cry right now.

Just when I thought nothing would surprise me, everything got even more ridiculous and complicated. The plan had been simple – all I needed to do was throw my resignation letter at Luhan and get out of the café as soon as possible, protecting my broken heart from the cruel world around me. Instead, I’d failed miserably trying to collect the pieces of my shattered illusion of a happy life without Luhan, hurting myself even more with the sharp pieces of my soul lying on the ground around me.

It frustrated me how much I depended on him. It irked me how I couldn’t just run away from him. And it confused me how a small part of me was still happy having another chance to spend more time by his side. Dammit, why couldn’t I just turn my feelings off? Dealing only with hatred towards Luhan would be much easier than having those constant and endless fights between my brain and my heart.

I groaned with irritation and pushed the main door open to enter the café, taking fast steps towards the bar counter where Sehun and Jae stood wiping latte glasses. They eyed me with hints of bewilderment written all over their faces. As I came closer, Sehun opened his mouth, surely to sarcastically comment on my quick return after quitting my job, so I held my open palm in the air to stop him.

“Just shut up,” I said rapidly, glaring at him on my way to the place they were occupying. He only chuckled, handing me another wet glass as I reached them.

Taking one for himself to dry with the rag he was holding, he giggled again before speaking. “That was quick.”

It only made me scoff as I started venting my anger onto the poor glass in my hands. “Of course you wouldn’t shut up, why did I even bother to warn you?”

“Well sorry, but your ten-minute-long jobless status deserved a comment.”

That statement earned a short, cheerful laugh from Jae, who was standing next to us, and a frustrating groan from the very irritated and upset me.

He was damn right. I couldn’t believe I had come back when the only thing I desperately wanted was to be far away from Luhan. I should’ve said no. I should’ve torn that dumb piece of paper in front of his eyes and walked away with my head held high, crying later in my apartment because of those damn three thousand dollars I’d have to give him back. If only I had the money to pay for the course...

I couldn’t ask my parents for financial support when my father was just waiting for one small wrong move to bring me back home. He still couldn’t get over the fact that I had moved from Busan to Seoul. And he had always despised how I’d chosen to study and work at the same time to pay my bills when he was just sitting there, ready to pay for everything I needed. But what was the point of moving out and living on your own if your parents still had to pay for your expenses? As far as I could see, he had a hard time grasping the ‘independent life’ I was trying to achieve. That’s why asking him for money was the last thing I’d do.

“Sehun,” I mumbled, whining a little despite my will to stay strong. I didn’t really know why I wanted to ask him while already knowing the answer, but it felt like my words just came out on their own and I couldn’t hold them back. “Can you lend me three thousand dollars?”

“Of course,” he chirped, smiling widely at me while pausing in his wiping of the glasses for a moment to take out his phone from his jean’s pocket. “Let me just call my uncle Bill Gates to sign a check for you. Oh, and since you’re in a bad mood, I think he can buy you a pony as well.” He tore his eyes away from his phone for a moment to look at me, obviously ignoring the disapproving shakes of my head. “Which one would you like? White? Black? Razzmatazz?”

Oh Lord, this guy...

Jae, who till now had chosen to stay silent, leaned forward over the bar counter, eyeing Sehun with raised brows and confusion growing rapidly in his brown eyes. “Dude, what the hell is razzmatazz?”

“It’s a shade of pink,” he explained halfheartedly, shrugging while putting his phone back into his pocket. “And according to my sister, it gets along well with arsenic.”

“You mean that poisonous thing people use to kill their partners all the time?”

“No,” Sehun snorted, shaking his head. “I mean another color, you ignorant moron.”

Jae nodded slowly, acknowledging the fact that Sehun – thanks to his two younger sisters bombarding him with new fashion magazines everyday – knew more colors than an Art student, and I suddenly burst out laughing when the ridiculousness of this whole conversation finally hit me. I bent over, clutching my stomach and laughing till tears formed in the corners of my eyes and catching a single breath became impossible. I laughed, feeling relived and relaxed for the first time in forever, although I was sure these weren’t tears of joy running down my cheeks. The sudden truth poured down on me, painfully and harshly squeezing my heart and almost making me choke.

All the blockades in my head broke loose and I gave in.

After weeks of holding back I was finally crying, grieving over the loss of a part of my heart, over the old me who used to laugh like this in the past; the old me who was already dead.

* * * * *

I think I had reached the point in my breakup where I should have locked myself in my apartment with sappy romantic movies and at least two liters of ice cream. But my mind was torn between working on my body to show Luhan what he had lost and shoving every type of junk food in reach down my throat without a second thought. What’s worse, the second option seemed more tempting now – especially because Sehun kept talking about ordering pizza the whole day.

“Come on,” he whined, wiping the counter top. We were going to close the café in one hour, so he helped me and Jae clean up after finishing with his own work. “Just pick the movie and I’ll take care of the food. I know a good Italian restaurant in the neighborhood; their pizza tastes like heaven.”

I heard Jae scoffing before he retorted, “For you, everything under 5 dollars tastes like heaven.”

“Can’t disagree.” I leaned against the counter with a wide smile, exchanging knowing glances with Jae before he lifted a ten kilo package with coffee, propped it on his shoulder, and walked to the pantry, leaving me alone with a displeased Sehun.

“Okay, fine, no movie and pizza.” Sehun clicked his tongue with disappointment, mirroring my pose and leaning against the counter with his arms folded across his chest. “You guys .”

“No, Sehun.” I tried not to smile, noticing him pouting with irritation. “We just don’t want to watch any movie with you, knowing you’d choose something with chicks running around, holding guns. And I’d rather just stick with some salad today and have a night without TV at all.”

“Yeah, that’s exactly why you .”

“Well, it up, because no one cares.” I threw the rag I was holding at him, sticking my tongue out. It hit his chest before Sehun could catch it and fell onto the