♛ Title: Crown Of Thorns

♛ User Name: Me0wxx_

♛ Story link: https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/633411/coincidence-angst-contest-drabble-daehyun the story

♛ Genre: Angst

 1; Title(3/5)

When writing titles, you do not need to have a capitalised ‘O’ for ‘of.’ Just remember to: a) always capitalize the first and the last word, b) Capitalize all nouns, pronouns, adjectives, verbs, adverbs, and subordinate conjunctions.
The first impression of the title just doesn’t appeal me. It feels like I’m going to be reading something about Jesus, so instantly I’m turned off by it. But that is just considering the context. The rest of the marks are given such as there is no title the same on Asianfanfics and too, you actually capitalised the first and second word.

2; Poster (0/5)

There is no poster, hence I give a zero.

3; Description & Foreword (3/5)

I read it and I was like, “Hang on! This was what I read yesterday, Coincidence!” But I noticed you changed the title, format to the word, whether to weather. Anyway, I was reading it again. I noticed you were trying to make blurb that so of, rhymed? But clearly, there isn’t enough words to make it sound, legit and it puts me into this half-half like and love relationship with your story. This is not something a writer should aim for. If you can make a poem embrace the audience, then that’s the correct way of doing so.
In the foreword you were being redundant. There is certainly no point in putting more stuff in. The poem itself was enough and adding what you had in your foreword just blew the top. You need to notice that you are making a blurb. If you read the back of any novel, it tends to be short, quirky and simple enough to nod at it with approval.

4; Plot(12/15)

I liked the plot and there was so much drama, I loved it! Problem was, I never knew why the girl broke up with Daehyun, so I was a bit lost. But I liked it, indeed I did. Also, I’ve read several plots similar to this, but it’s one of my favourites.

5; Characters (10.5/15)

Daehyun’s personality is in melancholy throughout this drabble. There was no real sense of character. He does not explore through a variety of feelings nor has a realisation of reality.

He did feel a slight tinge of anger, but not enough to bring his character to life. He could have kicked over a garbage bin and cursed. It’s to show off that ‘I can live better without you.’ But then he’ll go and pick up the bin. Small details will breathe life into your character.

6; Dialogue (3/5)

The only line was “Daehyun!” and I thought that maybe it’ll be nice if you add some flashbacks with snippets of dialogue. This is because it felt like you were using metaphors and merely words to describe how he could have felt, not what he had felt. There is a difference.

7; Flow (5/5)

The flow was good as everything happened smoothly, nothing to comment about.

8; Grammar(12/15)

Your grammar overall is pretty good, however there are certain areas that need improvement. Redundancy seems to be the problem. In the following, I’ll grab snippets to correct your word choice.

1.        He cursed because his socks were wet, because he did not do a good job.

He cursed because he could not make her stay, because he lost her.

It seemed like you were going in the lines of ‘repetition.’ But it didn’t pull out that effect. But it seemed like you ended up using pleonasm, the use of more words or word-parts than is necessary for clear expression. There is simply no need to complicate the basic sentences like such. You could say this instead:

He cursed about how his socks were wet. It was actually because he didn’t do a good job.

He cursed about how he could not make her stay. It was actually because he lost her.

If you can see how it’s more straight-forward and clearer, it allows the reader to process your meaning easier and it doesn’t seem like a stress when reading.

2.       “He smiled a sad smile.”

This is another example of what I was talking about. However, this is mainly due to the fact that you lack a broad vocabulary. I’ll advise you to not repeat the same word in the same sentence, it sounds incredibly awkward. It’s a common mistake that people make. Hence please notice these small errors. I think you should change this line to, “He smiled sadly-“Simple, short and clear.

9; Punctuation (11/15)
The first advice I could give you about punctuation is to cut down your sentences and make it shorter. It’ll make your stories seem neater and it will become a lot more eloquent. In the opening sentence, I liked it, but it was a bit too long. I can guarantee that some of your audience reads out loud and this would be a definite pain. Also, if you could, get rid of the comma after the ‘and. It should be: ‘The sky darkened and a soft rumble could be heard from above.’

I didn’t like this line the most: “A drizzle was descending from the sky, angling his face upwards, he smiled a sad smile.” You should not try to put two different ‘events’ in the same line. In this sentence, you are talking about the sky and then you skipped to describing what Daehyun is doing. This is just a fatal mistake. Referring back to my previous commentary, try to make your sentences shorter, otherwise you really don’t make any sense.

10; Vocabulary(3.5/5)

Throughout the whole entire story, the main character is referred to only to Daehyun or ‘he.’ This clearly shows how much you lack in choice of words. You could attempt to use something such as ‘the blonde’ or even try to not mention who it is, but merely describing the actions of the character.

There were six smiles and your work consists of five hundred words or so. Instead of the word ‘smile,’ you could try saying something descriptive, such as ‘the ends of his/ curled upwards.’ Something short, yet simple will help you achieve your goal, that is, without sounding choppy.

11; Layout (3/5)

I liked the layout of the actual chapter-story, but you need to note that the front page is where the layout is most important.

12; Personal Enjoyment (3/5)

I’ve read many stories like this and this isn’t the best that I’ve read. Improvements are needed, but you have a great potential! Keep trying!

Total Mark: (69/100)

▬▬ Author's Notes▬▬

If you had a poster made, I'm sure you would have gotten into the seventies. You’ve got great potential and it’s pretty alright how it is. But marks are deducted fairly and I don’t think I’ll remark this one. If you follow the tips I gave, I’m sure, when you come back next time, you’ll get into the nineties for sure! Cheers!