♛ Title: Tantalizing Innocence

♛ User Name: SecretH3ro

♛ Story link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/544183/tantalizing-innocence-2pm-chansung-dongwoo-khunwoo-khunyoung-nichkhun-wooyoung

♛ Genre: Romance (Sorry if i got the genre incorrect)

▬▬ The Review▬▬

1.Title: [4/5]

The title is a very title which has does not use very commonly used words. It also doesn’t give away too much about the story line which is good as it doesn’t spoil the story for the readers. However,

2.Poster: [3.5/5]

The poster contained the main characters which is good as it gives the reader brief information about the characters. And by that I mean which characters appears in the story not their personality. However, I recommend you to use the posters in every chapter you update not a gif of the characters.

3.Presentation/Description/Foreword: [8.5/10]

Description and foreword was perfect. I read it and saw that you didn’t too much nor too less information which is very important. As description and foreword is like a blurb of a book so if it gives away too much it spoils the book. However, you did not which is good.

Your presentation, I think it’s good to use more colours and maybe some pictures? I think it is also good to include character description to give the readers basic information of the characters.

4.Grammar: [8.5/10]

Everything to my eyes looked fine but there were some mistakes. For example, in chapter 2 the sentence “He really looks like a kicked puppy. I almost feel bad for yelling at him. ALMOST.” I wasn’t sure if you were trying to write it as thoughts of the character. It should have been “He looked like a kicked puppy. I almost felt bad for yelling at him.” Your story is in present tense and it doesn’t change but sometimes you have to use past tense to make sense. For example, chapter 3 when Nichkun meets Chansung. It says “He only drinks this much when something serious happens.” It should be “He only drinks this much when something happened.” This is because he drinks when something has occurred when something is happening.  

5.Punctuation [10/10]

Your punctuation to me was fine. You used the speech marks, commas and full stops on the right places and used the words correctly after they were used. I find many mistakes like “Hello, my name is D.O,” He introduced himself. You see the mistake right? It’s meant to be “Hello, my name is D.O.” He introduced himself. However, you did not make those mistakes.

6.Plot [14/15]

The plot of guys developing feelings for each other as they stay together is very cliché. It is, however, not your fault as many writers tend to write stories where the main characters grow their feelings for each other as they get to know each other. But the way they meet is very unique. Many writers in AFF make their characters meet at a school or tutor or through a friend. However, you made them meet on a rainy day by fate. Fate is also very common on AFF but your fate meeting isn’t so cliché in AFF.

7.Characterisation [10/20]

While reading, I didn’t get much about the characters except that they were gay. (This could be only me.) I also got that they were caring for each other. That was the only things I got from your descriptions of characters while reading it.

8.Flow [3/5]

I got confused while reading as you suddenly changed the point of view. I was reading and I had to reread to see whose point of view it was from. This made the story flow weird and confusing. I think you can fix this by either focusing on one person’s point of view or relating what has happened previously with the character.

9.Originality/ Overall Enjoyment [2.5/5]

I personally don’t like and gay fanfics. However, I do see them a lot on AFF. Gay couple, even if it’s minor appears a lot in AFF making it very common. I personally wouldn’t read it again as I don’t read much or gay fanfics unless it is very good like a professional writer’s. However, it is very unlikely to find it on AFF as many of us aren’t professional so please don’t be depressed or offended.

Total mark [64/100]

▬▬ Co-Author's Notes▬▬

Hey, I  am sorry if you got offended by my comments or wanted a harsh marker! I personally don't and can't mark harsh. I apologise for that and I hope you understand! If you have any complainsplease pm me! I hope you understand my reviewing. Thank you!