♛ Title: Monster
♛ User Name: PopoBabo
♛ Story link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/635634
♛ Genre: Angst, romance 

▬▬ The Review▬▬

Title: (3.5/5)

The title is definitely not a first on AFF, but I was somewhat enraptured by it. So, it was all good!

Poster: (4/5)

What can I say about your poster? I ing love it! Kai looks so freggin’ hot there! I didn't care about how it was just a picture. YOu actually fooled me in believing that it was an actual poster.

Presentation/Description/Foreword: [8.5/10]

You definitely did not disappoint me in the description, but it would have been better if you moved the disclaimer and the whole ramble about the ‘monster’ thing to the crotch instead. Technically you’re still talking to the readers.

Grammar: [8.5/10]

Overall, your English is pretty decent. There were no big problems with it. It’s pretty clear, except there were subtle mistakes that you seemingly overlooked.  In the first chapter you had a spelling mistake and an inevitable mark will be always deducted for this. I mean, you are typing it up and you can always search it up online. It’s ‘tragedy’ not ‘trajedy,’ and ‘eerie,’ not ‘eery.’ This will not create a good impression to picky readers.

Also, you don’t do it often but you repeat words often, such as “believe/ think, hear/head, knew/know, was/were.” The last one was a real killer and could have been avoided 7 times.  I’m going to show you how to do it.

Example:  ‘He was trying to keep himself in control…’

You could have avoided this word “was” by utilising the word “tried” instead of “was trying.” This is the grammatically correct way.

Punctuation [8.5/10]

Nothing too bad with this part either. But I’ll point out the most common mistakes people make and give you tips on how to correctly write it.

Basic thing I tell everyone. ‘?!’ and ‘!?’ is not correct no matter which way you put it. To be correct in punctuation, you must choose to use either ‘?’ or ‘!’ In the ‘Not guilty’ paragraph, you should have used: "Not guilty!" The prosecutor exclaimed, his whole face overcome with disbelief. "You mean to…” At first I thought to use ‘?’ however, the prosecutor is exclaiming this, hence that he is stating what he can’t really come to believe.

Another common mistake that you took into play was ‘nor’ and ‘or.’ You used ‘or’ instead of ‘nor’ in the line: ‘Neither mother or father had sisters or brothers.’ If you’re trying to say that both the mother and the father don’t have any brothers or sisters, then you would use ‘nor.’

Plot [15/15]

The plot was pure amaze. I don’t think I’ve got much to say. Fabulous, keep your imaginations going! I LOVE YOUR STORY!

Style (13/15)

Excellent? I think that is merely an understatement, but I am at loss of words. I love it and how you wrote it. But a more detailed description of their expressions will create an atmosphere which will allow reader’s hearts to feel the story.

Characterisation (17/20)

There was a good consistency of characterisation. I felt like you were a cook, throwing enough hints of this and that, balancing out to what you have. The characters felt so alive, even though you were writing the story in third-person.

Though I loved Jongin very much as a character, but there was a little thing that annoyed me. There was just a slight detail that I would want to alter in Jongin. The fact that he should hate Sehun should bring him to hit the boy he loves. But it should be the type to hit him, but not hard enough to do any near-fatal injury. Or maybe talk to him in sarcasm. When we get betrayed, but we still love the person, we will still ask the person about their well-doing before lashing out with them. This should apply to everyone and monsters aren’t really monsters since most of them do this.

Since the story is a Kai based one, I know Sehun isn’t someone I should criticise too much. I felt like he was ‘too normal’ and ‘too cliché.’ Everyone knows that when one finds out that the other is bought to give love, it’ll end up ending that the two would love each other. His personality fits every plot that is like this and is far too common.  Personally, I would use Sehun to lash out to Jongin, attempting to explain his state or at least avoid the whole thing vaguely. Small attempts of things would make your characters better.

Flow (5/5)

The time just flew and it was all good. It fit the time frame perfectly.  No flaws here either.

Originality/Overall Enjoyment: [5/5]

It’s so original and so fabulous! I definitely enjoyed reading it. Keep up the good work!

Total mark: [88/100]

▬▬ Author's Notes▬▬

This is the highest score by far and the only one that I willingly subscribed to. I love your story, and I’m prepared for more of your next comeback. I think you have a superb potential in becoming a good writer. Continue your amazing imagination and I’m sure that you’ll become a hit author and pass Twilight by millions.

Though I am sick, but your story was like medicene!

(Sorry for the not-very-detailed response. I'm like half-dead in my bed.)

GOOD JOB!