♛ Title: How To Catch Sehun in 10 Days
♛ User Name: MasterTrollSama
♛ Story link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/497766/how-to-catch-sehun-in-10-days-comedy-drama-romance-exo-sehun-kris-seohun
♛ Genre: Romcom/Drama (with a touch of angst)

▬▬ The Review▬▬

Title: [3.5/5]

I would definitely be captured to take a chance and click on it, that is, in hope it is a comedy. However, this quirky title is not enough. There are grammatical errors in it. The ‘To’ in the title does not need to be capitalised as it is not considered ‘important.’

Poster: [3.5/5]

The poster is good by itself.  However, it does not match up to the story at all. If I was reading a book, I would instantly think this was a sad romance one, but when I read it, I would feel like I’ve been conned. Your story should have a cover that is more bright and cheerful. Strong colours would be encouraged.

Presentation/Description/Foreword: [5/10]

Advice number one: Your description is where your blurb should be and your foreword is where the author’s goes. Okay, well your blurb. Um, so the diary entry that Seohyun wrote must be the blurb. It covers everything, yes, however, it covered too much of the actual future plot and spoils the journey for the readers. A clear blurb should have a three to four line slight basis of the plot. Not too much and not to less. Also, the choice of words would be important, as it is best to use certain adjectives to lure the reader into reading the rest of your fan fiction.

I liked your new way of writing a blurb, but stick with the original way of how people write one. It’s more… intriguing.

As for the layout, there wasn’t any special layout found on the front page. So can’t comment on that.

Grammar: [7/10]

Your story is a bit too long to actually pick out problems with. But there aren’t too many faults to nick on. I’ll just pick 3 to explain to you, what to fix and how to improve.

-          Anewed: I wasn’t sure if this was a typo or if you made it up. But spelling things wrong when there is Word existing is the biggest crime of all- it makes readers feel like you don’t about them.

-          “She went to college, cycling as fast as she could knowing Sehun was going to be there early as usual…”

The full sentence is a heck load to read, so I’ll advise you to minimise your words. Comedy books usually contain around 15 words per sentence. If more, it makes it too tiresome to read than interesting. You should write it like the following. It’s clearer and easier to read.

“She cycled as fast as she could to college, knowing that Sehun was usually early.”

-          “… I'm so handsome as it is and I guess it'd be logic to be like, I'm the most beautiful child and you may be beautiful but you'll never be an equal to me…”

I’m extremely unsure of what to say about this line. But for one, it’s too long and you used beautiful twice in the sentence. It shows your lack in vocabulary and he’s older, right? It makes him seem like he’s seven.

Punctuation [8/10]

There were no particular big problems with it, as I am sick, but I can’t big up some really big ones. But I’ll point out what I did notice.

-          “…disappeared off the face of the Earth yet managed to have time to explain HER business to Sehun's best friend?!”

Yet another person who does this- this is funny. ?!’ and ‘!?’ is not correct no matter which way you put it. To be correct in punctuation, you must choose to use either ‘?’ or ‘!’ In the ‘Not guilty’ paragraph, you should have used the question mark instead.

-          "Yeah BRUDDAHS" she beamed like a beaver.

Uh, I’ll dismiss that strange simile. To make your work neater, you should keep your capitalisation to a minimum. Also, keep it punctually correct too. After finishing what you’re saying between your quotation marks, add a common before the final quotation mark. This is the correct method of writing dialogue in stories.

Plot [9.5/15]

This plot is far commonly used. I wasn’t shocked to see another of these in my review requests. When teenage girls read these, they go extremely hyped up and go for the spree. But old people like me, get tired and bored when they know what happens next. I read a little and got my sister, whom happened to be happy to do it, read it, she said it was alright. But that was her first taste of fan fiction. She agrees with me that it’s pretty clichéd and that there should be occasional plot twists to shock the audience. However, do not attempt the following: kidnapping, the parents become insanely poor, the girl gets cancer or the boy cheats.

To get ideas for these plot twists, you should consider experiences from your real life. What was funny and unforgettable? What was something that made you sad? How did you feel? This will help you improve marks here and in other areas.

Characterisation [13/20]

Seohyun a pretty typical girl found in fan fiction. I written a few before, that I have deleted, and it was almost like yours, almost. I like angst. The heroine is a klutz slash an extremely talkative girl who made every girl hate her for going too close to the school’s prince charming. I can’t seem to like her character, she doesn’t have enough personality. She just seems so random, like a character born on the spot from me playing Barbie dolls with my baby sister. There’s just no depth in her. She should think a lot more, or show some regret in her own words. Like a kind of development.

On the other hand, Sehun was no different from Seohyun. Allow me to say this, he was a cold bastard. Clearly, he’s rude, but so is Seohyun. So  I cannot say anything to or against him. He has flaws, but it’s the same with every blood ‘I’m-so-freggin-cool’ male mains. It ticks me off and this was not another exception for me. Cliché characters are where teachers and personally, myself, take marks off.

To allow yourself to improve, you must write and write over again, on who they are. YOU need to be Seohyun, not Seohyun being doll with no life. After enough effort, I’m sure you’re going to feel this eccentric and electrifying feel when you’re writing up your story- it’s called pure excitement or just simple success.

Style [10/15]

I’ve got nothing against your writing style, except the lack of depth. I’m unsure of your context, so it’s a bit unfair of me saying this. But I gave you a moderate mark to keep your motivation.

As a reader, I like inspiring lines given by the author and sudden sparks. Also, the paragraphs should be somewhat larger and filled with more sophisticated words. But, yours is a comedy one, so it should be fine. But it would be awesome is you spiced it up by putting something COMPLETELY outrageous to make me laugh and ogle. I think you have a crack-fic writer potential. Maybe you could write in that direction, or just merely continue what you’re writing. Fluff might work with the way you write too!

Flow [4.5/5]

I guess it’s not too fast or too slow. But it would be nicer to slightly speed up the story. I mean, 10 days does not mean 10 chapters.

Originality/ Overall Enjoyment [2.5/5]

My sister and I reviewed this together. We both have read stories similar to this, so it’s not a ‘re-readable’ material for us. We enjoyed it to a certain extent, more for her as she is younger than me by a few. You need to know, that to write whether any story, you aim to please all of your audience, which includes your older ones. You need to excite the old people like me and make me so enthralled, I don’t want to walk away from your story. But I already knew what was happening, when my sister was reading it before I did. That’s a big pity. 

Total marking [66.5/100]

▬▬ Author's Notes▬▬

I’m still extremely sick so I can’t identify small problems, but I pointed out the big fat flaws that I did happen to notice. Keep a look out ahead from newer ideas and this will improve you stories by a lot. I personally, do like cliché stories, however, it’s best to steer clear and place original ideas. It makes you happier and certainly picky readers like me, even more!

KEEP YOUR HEADS UP!