♛ Title : Destiny

♛ User Name : OceanELFishy

♛ Story link : https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/484898/destiny-jiyeon-myungsoo-jiyeonxmyungsoo

♛ Genre : Love 

▬▬ The Review▬▬

Title: [3/5]

I’ve came across a few stories with the same title, so it doesn’t capture my attention anymore when I see this word. However, it does have the correct grammar, and is relevant to the story is it’s all good!

Poster (3/5)

It’s good by itself, but it doesn’t ‘fit’ the story. It should have a more romantic or sad ‘look’ to it. It’s too comedic like, it gave me the wrong message from the beginning.

Presentation/Description/Foreword: [4.5/10]

• There is no need for character profiles; grow + develop with character (s)
• The author’s notes and credits should be placed in the foreword section, not the description section as nobody really cares.
• Everything about the story should be placed together in the description area
• The font is too ‘flashy’ for my eyes. It hurts while reading your summary. This isn’t a good thing; please change it to a black or a colour that isn’t so… vibrant.
• People highlight things to emphasise certain things, it feels like your emphasising the whole story- pointless once again.

Grammar: [6/10]

·         Your word choice was a bit off, even in the starter line. To me, that is a one, big no-no. Instead of saying ‘stuffs,’ say ‘stuff.’ The word ‘stuff’ itself already implies that there is more than one object.

·         You’re skipping from tense to tense. Not a good thing either. You use “was” and then you would “looking” and “packing.” This also would show the readers your lack of vocabulary. Instead of writing ‘While I was packing my stuff,’ you should have written ‘While I packed my stuff.’ This is the grammatically correct way of writing it.

·         As I was reading through your story, I realised you don’t have a good grasp on tenses. This is why you must double-check your story at ALL times. “You had just ate your lunch just now.” There are two problems wrong with this. One, you repeated ‘just’ twice in the same sentence- that is just being redundant. Two, ‘had’ and ‘just’ sort of contradicted each other. It should be “You just ate your lunch.”

Punctuation [8/10]

There isn’t much to say about your punctuation as you didn’t really write any long sentences for me to correct. In the following is what I got from a website to correct your punctuation. I hope that helps at least!

·         Your sentences are considerably shorter than the norm. In general, English sentences are 19 words long on average, while in academic writing, they are 23 words long on average.

·         You use considerably fewer commas than is typical of academic writing. In general, text in English has around 50 commas per 1000 words (about two pages of text), or an average of one comma per sentence.

·         You have 27 exclamation marks in your text. In general, text in English has less than 1 exclamation mark per 1000 words; in academic Engish it's 1 per 10,000 words.

Plot: [7.5/15]

It was too predictable. I was wishing that they won’t be together. Yes, it sounds sadistic, but this is what happens when you read too many stories with too many happy endings. It just becomes a bit old, when you understand and know what will happen.

Also, there were no big complications. I knew about the problem from the beginning, but there was no real interaction between the two. Like the girl didn’t moon about Myungsoo for ages, it was just that she happened to find the photo and fall in love again. Then just happened to meet him again and find out that they loved each other. That was just way too cliché for moi.  

Characterization: [7/15]

There are no particular personality traits evident throughout the two characters. Well, there are vague ones, but that isn’t good. I personally have a poor memory of things, but if there are certain characters that stand out, I’ll remember everything about them, from their name to what they like to eat and every little detail. But neither of your characters is that memorable. That’s a pity.

L’s personality is totally predicable and also for Jiyeon. I wish there was just a little feistier trait within Jiyeon to get a little action going, but there wasn’t. I was just so… yeah. I am lost for what to say. They aren’t bad, but they aren’t real enough to fit in reality or in an alternate universe. Work on emotions, such as anger, sadness and so on.

Flow: [4/5]

The flow was alright, but the fact that the girl is still mooning over L just makes me shake my head after TWO years without any communication or sight of some sort.

Style: [12/20]

• In professional stories, people tend to use third or first person. They would stick to ONE point-of-view rather than skipping about- this will not only confuse the author but also ruin your characterisation and your flow of the plot.

·         It’s best off, if you’re going to stick with any of the POVs, to actually be the character- that is, to actually describe everything from their heart, expressing their truest thoughts rather than dictating what they are doing. A load of adjectives would be a A+ help!

·         You should readjust to describing a lot of things. This is what a story is about. Instead of using ‘2 years ago…’ you should have written ‘Two years ago…’ and from then starter to describe the day, and what Yoogeun and Jiyeon were doing.
Also, when writing flashbacks, you must add ‘…’ between paragraphs to signify a change in scene and, or time.

·         You focus too much on talking. People in stories do not talk much. Please refrain in talking so much as this story is not much of a comedy piece nor is the conversation very important.

Originality/Overall Enjoyment: [2/5]

I was not really what I was hoping for, nor would I re-read this. But I’m sure other people will! I enjoyed marking this and I wish that you write more stories in the future. Heads up!

Total marking: [58/100]

▬▬ Author's Notes▬▬

Sorry for not being much help, but I tried. I’m pretty sick right now, so I was trying my best to help you with correction. Good luck for the future.