Wow, when life throws you lemons you either make lemonade or get a concussion. Sorry it's taken so long to come out with another aftermath installment, but be assured I haven't forgotten about you lovely readers. This one has been up on my desktop for literally six months, waiting for me to finish it (instead of doing homework...) and I finally convinced myself to just do it. *celebrates*

The good news is I finally graduated with my masters! I am a master now, all must bow to me. So now I have time to actually write for myself now that homework is a thing of the painful past. 

Anyway, that's the scoop peeps. Enjoy some more angst and leave a comment if you like it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

N was furious, but he wasn’t sure at who.

Hyuk, for being an idiot and getting himself killed. Jiyong, for being the dangerous murderer he was. Had been. Leo, for his stupid stubbornness and need to do everything himself. Hongbin, for allowing his tears to show next to him as they watched Leo being led away. Ken, for being so mysterious since Leo’s arrest. Ravi, for not even showing up.

Himself, for being unable to save anyone from this.

*          *          *

He stood outside the home with a backpack of clothing slung over his back. It was raining lightly, but not the kind of rain that made everything smell fresh and new. This was the rain that Leo would have liked—gray, gloomy, and with a wetness that kept you feeling damp for hours. N swallowed hard and glanced back at the closed door of the only home he’d ever known. He wished someone would look out the window, wave at him, and tell him everything was going to be okay. But he knew that wasn’t going to happen.

He opened the cheap flip phone a friend from school had given him and allowed himself half a smile at Ravi and Hongbin’s faces on the front screen. It gave him the courage to take a couple steps away from the door. He had always been the brave one, but now all that courage was gone. Hyuk, Leo, and Ken had taken it with them when they left.

He had a couple friends he could stay with and he knew he could couch surf for a few weeks, but after that...he knew he was on his own.

He was scared.

N wiped away a trickle of rainwater from his cheek and his hand came away red. For a moment he panicked, before realizing his hair was dripping its dye.

His shoulders slumped, as if the dripping color weighed his shoulders as much as his backpack. He glanced back at the closed doors. There was nothing left here but bad memories and gloomy skies. He paused for a moment, wondering if he had the courage to do this, but eventually hoisted his backpack higher on his back and plodded away from the home and didn’t look back.

He never noticed Hongbin and Ravi’s faces pressed against a different window in a different bedroom on the second floor, watching him walk away.

*          *          *

A harsh buzz echoed through the empty room and N stepped nervously through the gate that had just opened to admit him. He looked around at the stark cement walls, barred windows, and finally at the window where a guard was looking bored.

“Name?”

"Um, Cha Hakyeon.”

“Who are you visiting?”

"Jung Taekwoon.”

The guard plunked a plastic bin on the counter and walked around to stand next to him. “All personal belongings in here. Hold out your arms.”

N did as he was told and the guard’s rough hands patted his arms and pockets. “You’re fine. Straight back through the hall, big room, can’t miss it.” The guard plopped himself back in his chair behind the window and motioned for the person behind N to step forward for the same treatment.

The second door buzzed open and N stepped through it, following the dark hallway into a harshly lit room filled with bolted down tables. He spotted Leo in the back instantly and faltered when Leo glanced at him as he came closer.

He looked...different. While Leo had often worn baggy sweatshirts and jeans, the navy jumpsuit hung on him as if he was draped in layers of blankets. His already pale face poked out of his collar and shone practically white in contrast to the dark navy. He had lost weight and appeared emaciated, cheekbones standing out in sharp relief from his previously slightly round cheeks. They were hollow now. Handcuffs glinted on his wrists and ankles, attaching him to the table, like a warning in the fluorescent light.

Leo looked dangerous.

N squared his shoulders and marched right up to him, arms out for a hug.

“Hi Leo!”

Leo shook his head, flicking his eyes to the guards at all corners of the room. N’s arms dropped limply to his sides and Leo pointed his chin at the chair across from him. N sat. They looked at each other. Leo didn’t even so much as blink at him.

“So,” N began. He had no clue where to start. Leo had only been here three months. He’d had his 18^th birthday in here. This was the first time N had worked up the courage and forgiveness to come visit. “How are you?”

Leo rolled his eyes and shrugged. After a moment he raised his eyebrows.

“I’m good.” N was strangely proud he hadn’t gotten rusty in interpreting Leo’s minor facial movements. “Well, mostly. Been sleeping at the park for a couple weeks now, but it’s fine,” he added hastily when Leo’s eyebrows narrowed slightly. “I picked up some scholarship forms from school. Good thing I already took the entrance exams.” He tried to give a bright smile, but it might have made him look like he was in pain instead.

“So I’ve been working on getting into university. I was thinking of going for psychology, what do you think? I got some books out of the library and they were really interesting, so I thought I’d give it a shot.”

He was babbling, but Leo didn’t seem to mind. He blinked every couple seconds and N took that to mean he was interested. He told Leo that Ravi was working on getting into the police academy (Leo growled faintly at that, but N knew he’d be proud of Ravi eventually) and Hongbin was doing well in school and he hadn’t seen Ken but from what he heard he was doing well. He told Leo he made it a point to visit the home in the evening to see Ravi and Hongbin and his adventures sneaking past Ahjumma. He could have sworn Leo’s lips twitched at that. He talked about the owner of a nearby convenience store letting him stock shelves sometimes in the morning and he’d give him food in exchange.

Leo’s expression rarely varied and N didn’t know what he was thinking, but he could tell Leo was at least a little bit grateful he came to visit.

When it was time to leave, N felt cleansed; he’d forgotten how nice it was to talk to Leo. He knew Leo would always listen. He wasn’t sure if he was allowed, but he gave his best friend a pat on the shoulder as he passed him.

Leo leaned into the touch briefly, eyes closed, before N walked out.

*          *          *

The second time N stepped through the gate and told the guard (Changsub) who he was there to see, he wasn’t allowed through.

“Sorry, man. Jung Taekwoon’s in solitary, no visitors for a month.”

“What? What happened?”

Changsub shrugged. “Usual. Attacked another inmate.”

"The usual? What’s that supposed to mean?”

Changsub looked annoyed. “It means it’s not the first time he’s done it, and that’s why no visitors for a month.” He kindly left the “” unsaid.

"Do you know what happened?”

“Probably the same as last time. Someone says something stupid about him having a boyfriend, he jumps him, he’s put in solitary. That’s that. Now can you please leave? I’ve got a line.”

N didn’t move. “Boyfriend?”

Changsub smirked. “Yeah. Apparently other inmates find it amusing when someone gets a male visitor of the same age. Jung is 18. Easy target.”

N scoffed. “Leo is anything but an easy target.”

Changsub didn’t seem to notice the nickname. “Yeah, whatever. If you’re not here to visit anyone, please move out of the way.”

N had no choice but to turn around and leave the way he came.

*          *          *

Ken debuted.

Ken didn't debut as Lee Jaehwan.

Ken didn't debute with another name.

Ken debuted.

Ken debuted as Ken.

How could he.

N’s fists were clenched in his lap as he sat rigidly on his knees in his dorm room, books scattered every which way and clothes dumped on the bed. Their names were private. Their names were between just them. Their names were their secret. Their names were sacred.

How could he.

He couldn’t look away from Ken’s teaser. It had popped up on his roommate’s TV as he was unpacking and watching a music show. At first he hadn’t realized who it was. But then last week’s conversation with Ken on the phone came to his mind and he remembered Ken mentioning he was debuting. He hadn’t mentioned this.

How could he.

The teaser ended and Ken’s stage began. N hadn’t had time to watch the music video when it came out three days before. He’d been too focused on moving into the dorm and registering for classes. He watched numbly as Ken, decked out in shiny new stage clothes, a microphone taped to his cheek, hair dyed a rich chestnut color, danced and sang cheerfully to cheers and fanchants without even thinking about his friends. He’d forgotten them.

How could he.

N had never, in his entire life, felt as alone as he did then. Not when Hyuk was killed. Not when Leo was imprisoned. Not even when Ken left to the Jellyfish dorms.

No. It was now. Now that Ken had moved on and forgotten his friends, his brothers, his family.

How could he.

N’s roommate walked in just then, all long legs, cheerful grin, and large ears. He was about to greet N with a cup ramen and looked around for him, finding him frozen on the floor staring at the TV screen.

"Hey, Hakyeon?” Chanyeol asked uncertainly. “Are you all right?”

N didn’t answer.

How could he?

*          *          *

It took a few weeks for N to forgive Ken. He didn’t want to talk to him, or anyone for that matter. He stopped going to visit Leo for a month or so, and got the glare of his life when he finally went back.

The things his psychology professors were teaching him made his heart ache for his friends and the other boys left behind in Ahjumma’s grim care.

He learned about selective mutism. And depression. Anxiety. Social disorders. Panic disorders. Sociopathy. Psychopathy. Addiction.

Sometimes he had to excuse himself from class. Hyuk and Leo were so present sometimes he couldn’t breathe. Sometimes he wished he’d chosen another field of study.

But he would visit Hongbin and know he could help him. He would remember Hyuk and wish he could have helped. He thought about Leo and his heart ached all over for him. He talked to Ravi on the phone and knew his friend was hurting but didn’t know how to make it stop. He watched Ken on TV and knew when his smile was a mask.

Chanyeol learned not to ask too many questions about N’s adolescence or his family. He was an oddly comforting presence when N walked in, head lowered, books weighing down much more than his arms. Chanyeol was a music major, so while he might not know how to talk someone out of depression, he did know how to play the guitar.

He would look up when N walked into the room and stared blankly at the wall. He’d mutter to himself that he should be practicing and take out his guitar. He’d play softly for a little while and allow N to not think. When N looked up, he’d suggest going to the ramen shop near their dorm.

He was also the one to suggest N see one of the therapists in his department.

“Why should I do that? I’m fine.”

“I think you of all people know you’re not.”

N had no answer to that. He made the appointment.

The longer he was in college, the more his past seemed to fade away. Gradually there were days when N started to feel almost normal again. There were fewer mornings he would wake up with tears drying on his face. Classes became more bearable and he decided to work with children in difficult situations.

Leo hadn’t gotten into trouble for a while and a new guard at the prison (Ilhoon) was much nicer than Changsub. Ravi was interning at the police station. Hongbin had gotten a good score on the entrance exams. Ken’s latest album had sold a million copies (and ten of those might have been from him...).

He found himself thinking about Hyuk one day and one of the dumb things he and Ken had gotten themselves into a few years previous and found himself chuckling about it.

Not everything has to be a bad memory.

*          *          *

Things were going well.

Until they weren’t.

"Is this Hakyeon?”

N had been halfway through composing a text to Hongbin when an unknown number flashed across his screen. “Yes, who is this?”

"It’s Ahjumma.”

It was as if an ocean wave swept over him, leaving him choking and gasping for air. Ahjumma hadn’t acknowledged his existence since leaving the home. There was no reason for her to be calling him. Chanyeol looked at him in concern from across the room, but N waved him back to his composing. He wandered out of the room and into the hallway. “Ahjumma?”

“Yes.”

“Did something happen?”

She cleared and he wished she’d get on with it. He’d always preferred bad news all at once. “I’ve had a call from the police about Hongbin.”

The choking sensation was back. N didn’t think he could even keep talking. The calm voice that answered her didn’t sound like it was coming from him. It was as if he’d stepped out of his body, watching this conversation as if from the end of a tunnel.

He watched himself wander further down the hall, clutching the phone to his ear. “What about Hongbin?”

"He was found early this morning in a public bath. They brought him to the hospital but he was declared on arrival.”

N watched his fist clench his phone tighter. “I’m sorry?”

"I’m still officially his guardian, so I was notified. I thought you’d like to know what happened. The security cameras showed that he was alone.” She paused before continuing in a strangely maternal voice. “I’m sorry, Hakyeon.”

N didn’t answer and simply flipped his phone shut. He watched himself lean against the wall as all strength left his legs. He slid down to the floor.

He stepped back into his body and felt all the pain and hurt and sadness and the terrible feelings he’d been tested on in class all at once and he couldn’t breathe or move.

He stared at his half-finished text to Hongbin.

Sorry I didn’t call back last night, just got your message. Is everything o—

*          *          *

He had to leave a text for Ken.

It took two tries to get Ravi on the phone.

Leo had to be escorted out of the visiting area.

Hyuk’s grave was bare of flowers and stared at him as insolently as the boy himself had.

Chanyeol had given up on getting him out of bed and brought in the “big guns,” N’s therapist.

Surely there was nothing beyond this. Surely nothing in the world existed outside the agony pounding in his head. Surely there was nothing else to live for.

"Nothing in the world to live for?” the therapist asked skeptically. “Why don’t you think about that for a moment.”

N didn’t want to. He couldn’t take any more of this.

The silence dragged on before he whispered Leo, Ravi, and Ken’s names.

*          *          *

“I now present to you Dr. Cha Hakyeon.”

Applause rang through the auditorium as N accepted his diploma and walked back to his seat, tassel swinging from his cap. He heard whoops from the audience and grinned at Ken and Chanyeol’s voices.

Hongbin’s final resting place had fallen to Ahjumma to organize. She had purchased a small plot in the neighborhood church’s cemetery and N had stood at the small ceremony as they lowered the pitiful coffin into the ground. He felt once again separated from his body and watched himself throw a handful of dirt into the hole and step away to make room for Ravi to do the same. He watched Chanyeol pat him on the back and felt nothing.

It had taken a long time to forgive Hongbin. The anger he felt toward his friend was almost unbearable. It was worse than he had felt when Hyuk died. Worse than when Leo went to prison. N had held a letter from Leo in his pocket at the funeral, full of incoherent anger, resentment, hurt, and love. He dropped it into the grave when no one was looking.

He almost dropped out of school. How could he help troubled kids when he couldn’t see what was in front of his own nose?

He’d pushed through. Ravi threatened to never speak to him again if he didn’t finish his degree. Ken promised to dedicate a song to them all if he went back.

So he did.

Next week he would be beginning his fellowship at a clinic for troubled children. He’d seen his new office and sent pictures to his friends.

Family.

*          *          *

There was a framed picture on his desk. Chanyeol had taken it after his graduation ceremony. Ken and Ravi were on either side of N, pressing him so close his cheeks were mushed on either side. N was holding a rare picture of Leo smiling from several years ago, Ravi held a picture of Hongbin, and Ken held a picture of Hyuk. They were all celebrating his victory over life.

N was staring at it absently one morning after coming in and almost missed the quiet knock on the door with his first client of the day. He pulled the boy’s file closer to him and put on a smile meant to make him feel comfortable.

"Come on in, Taehyung.”

The boy slunk into the room with his mother and dropped into the chair opposite N. N glanced down at the file again and felt his heart give a funny little wiggle.

Taehyung has been displaying signs of social anxiety reflected in his refusal to talk to anyone outside his family. Referral by his school teachers for him to be evaluated for selective mutism.

His heart wiggled again and he let a sad little smile come out for a moment.

“Well, Taehyung, let’s get started.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Until next time!

~ELF